Page 6 The Lion’s Eye Opinion October 24, 2005 Commentary: M. Bruder Dear President Bush, I'd like to start by saying I think we got off on the wrong foot. After all we have gone through I think it's time to bury the hatchet and move on. To be honest Mr. Bush we're not all that differ- ent. I am the most wanted man on the planet and you are the most hated. All of my monetary successes can be attributed to my family, much like your own. Terrorism, by definition Mr. Bush, is the use of or threat to use force or violence against people with the intent of coercing a society or government for ideological or political reasons. I admit that I have been a bit zealous in the past. I have used violence to farther my own ideologies, can you think of an instance when you may have done something similar? I have noticed your strong desire to push your fundamentalist views on the people of your nation as well as the international community; I myself have a tendency to do the same. Mr. President, I respect your desire to take away the rights of women. Personally I have always thought that whole Roe v. Wade thing was a careless decision. There are too many infidels running around in your country. Most of all I admire how you stood up to the nations of the world and let them know their opin- ions don't matter. You spit in the face of the United - Nations, meanwhile I can't even get an invite to the General Assembly. Mr. Bush the way in which you wield your power is truly captivating. Most of all I cannot express my gratitude for your actions in my region of the world. At first I was upset when you bombed my empty "terrorist" training camps. When you sent your army and Marines in to hunt me down I was personally hurt. It was not until your invasion of Iraq that I was able to see how mutually beneficial our relationship is. Mr. Bush since your occupation, the international community has shifted their focus away from me. "Iraq has become a recruiting tool" for my "ter- rorist" network Al Qaeda, as you say. Your bombing of my training camps was most unfortunate, but proved to be only a mere set back. Now thanks to you, we no longer have simulated training, we are able to engage in combat with our true enemy in Iraq. Mr. Bush, your own intelligence reports specu- late that Al Qaeda has obtained 20,000 new recruits since the U.S. led occupation. Most of all Mr. Bush both your forer and current chiefs of staff agree that my dream will live on. In a meeting with your congress they reported that the invasion of Iraq has spread anti-Americanism that combined with other Muslim extremists will lead to the "next wave" of terrorism that “will endure with ‘or without Al Qaeda." I feel that we have done each other well Mr. Bush; by letting me run free, we have both gained. On one hand I am able to keep your people in fear, on the other, you are able to put images of me on the nightly news anytime you need to scare your approval rating back up, it proved to be quite useful during your-last election. In fact Mr. Bush I know that you have three years left on your term but you are so good at scaring the sh-t out of the American people that I was thinking of making you a job offer. As far as I am concerned you have given me enough to last my Jihad and we will be victorious. In short Mr. President Bush: I thank you. Love your friend, Osama Bin Laden (Aka. M.Bruder) PENNSTATE Delaware 3 County The Lion's Epe Spider-man Prostitute Nun James Bray Isaiah Dixon Meg Ford DUS DUS Anthropology Old School Batman | want to be an | don't celebrate Acme employee. Halloween. Lauren McCauley Fadi Elamin Jim Heller Business Mgmt Engineering Biology The Future of Horror Movies Seems Foggy Last week, a remake of "The Fog" was released. Once again, Hollywood has taken on another classic horror movie remake instead of coming up with a good idea all on their own. It's been pretty obvious that the Hollywood "idea well" has been running dry since the current fad of old television shows going full screen such as "Bewitched", and "Dukes of Hazard." As for myself, I await the "Saved by the Bell" movie that is sure to come out sooner or later! Carrot Top could play Screech, Johnny Depp as Zack, and Sean Connery as Mr. Belding. Wow, what a goldmine! The thing that bugs me about the latest horror movie remake fad is that they are taking great movies and mak- ing them into crap. Why not take the terrible movies and make them good? They recently announced that they're going to remake "The Omen." For what reason would you remake a film masterpiece such as "The Omen?" Then again, I asked myself this when they touched "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." I've gotten into quite a few arguments over ~ I guess the major problem is that there are no good original film ideas anyway. So far, of all the "original" horror movies I've seen this past year were awful, except for one. The three that were terrible were remakes in their own right. I will tear them apart now. First, Saw, or as I called it the "retarded" version of "Se7en;" the movie had such promise in the beginning. They show us how all the victims were murdered in the past in a very CSI type way. After that, it's an hour of two terrible actors in a room, and this huge shocking end. By the time you've gotten that far, you're extremely annoyed that you've just wasted 90 minutes of your life watching a film when you don't care to find out who the hell the killer was! Second was a film called "Malevolence," the title is about where the creativity of this stinker stops. The movie rips off every classic film from "Halloween," "Friday the 13th," all the way to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "House of a 1,000 Corpses" (Itself is a rip off of Texas Chainsaw massacre, but Rob which is better, the original "TCM," or the 2004 remake. I personally thought that the remake not only was one of the worst remakes of all time, but a complete and utter disgrace to the original as well. The number one reason people com- plain the original wasn't as good was because it "was grainy." They don't realize that the low- budget quality is meant to enhance the film and take it from just a typical horror movie and make it more similar to a documentary. This By Matt Kelly Zombie is awesome, so we can forgive him). The movie has a stupid ending that tries to send chills down your spine; instead it just eats up an extra ten minutes of your life. The third Film was "S.I.C.K." (Serial Insane Clown Killer). This movie's first sign of being a pile of poop was the fact that the title is gram- matically incorrect. It's about a clown killing people so it should be SIKC, the current title means someone is killing clowns! The only was an idea later ruined by "The Blair Witch Project." Recently, there was a remake made of "House of Wax." What bothers me is how there was absolutely no desire to make a movie even remotely like the original. What was once a beautiful "Phantom of the Opera" rip off became the "Texas Wax House Massacre." What Hollywood should be doing, instead of ruining classics, is to take a film with potential that turned out like crap and fix it. "The Amityville Horror" remake could have been a huge advancement to the original; instead they somehow managed to make it just as bad, if not worse than the original. good thing about this movie, and the only rea- son I actually bought it, was that even though it sucked, it's campy, like "Ed Wood Campy." You can just sit there and rip this film into pieces ala "Mystery Science Theater 3000"(Which in my opinion, was the most under- rated show ever). If you're curious about which film I loved, it was Cabin Fever. Most people totally misunderstand this awe- some comedy-horror. Then again, you have to understand it's a comedy with a very sick and violent sense of humor. In the end, Hollywood hires me to write scripts! I can wipe my butt with a piece of paper, I mean that's what most of your scripts are nowadays right? Lion’s Eve Editorial Board 05’-06’ Managing Editor: Gerry Dungan Photo Editor: Matt Kelly Associate Editor: Dan Delaney Copy Editor: Andrew Walter BusinessManagers: ShanaGoldson Sports Editor: Katie News Contributing Staff: David Hardison, Amar Ganti, Sean Collins, Jusin Couch, Michelle Roche, John Miller, Sharon Achilles, M. Bruder, Frank Friday, P.J. D’Annunzio, A.J. Santini STAFF ADVISOR: Professor Lynn Keyser Contact the Lion’s Eye: email: gmd 138@psu.edu, telephone: 610-892-1258, office :202 Comons =
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