LIMA BEAN IN SEARCH OF ....IRVING, "Everything was going great. We were having a wonderful time, then suddenly I felt as if I had hit something. I lost my balance and fell over. While I was in the water I felt a yeechy, scaley, slimy substance, sorta like the food in the modulars, grab at me, pulling me under, It was just sO... (sniffle)..horrible, so horrible,.(sob)." That is how Larry Gallone told it the day he was unpretentiously water skiing down the Rio Delco and had an unexpected encounter with the sea monster called Irving. Since then many other people, including students, bathers, sport fisherman and skin divers have reported spotting the grotesque monster that inhabits the Rio Delco, amazingly in description not unlike his slightly more famous Scottish cousin Lochy. What is this Delco monster? Where does he live? What does he look like? What does he eat and will he be transferring to University Park in the Fall? These are questions that burn in the hearts of all PSU students this spring. Let us first examine Irving's presumed habitat, the river Rio Delco, Like the Nile, the Rio Delco is long and narrow, It reaches a maximum depth of 3/4 of an inch and its trecherous undercurrents cause problems for even the most skilled deep sea divers. Nonetheless, the Rio is regarded as one of the States® most popular resort areas and its survival is crucial to our campus® economic survival, "Frankly," says a University spokesman, "I'm scared! All those rumors about Irving are discouraging promising high school students from enrolling at our campus." Probably the most frightening aspect of these rumors concerns the mon=- ster's diet: Irving eats meat! During a recent practice session, two members of the campus water polo team mysteriously disappeared with their horses. Afterward; enormous belches in great volume were heard rolling through the campus hills, sending chills through many a spine. There are many theories on what Irving is, ranging from a giant octopus to a frustrated marine biology major.in a rubber suit, Whatever, a campus official who wishes to remain unidentified (but whose office is located in 312G) vows,'"We're gonna find this sucker!'" Jacques Cousteau and his crew, the men of the Calypso, have been hired to traverse the Rio in search of Irving this summer; aided by underwater cameras and the latest electronic equipment, So far no concrete evidence of Irving's existence has been turned up. Only the glimpses and glances of a huge shadowy figure and occasional storiea from people like Larry Gallone, "So horrible," he again repeated, wiping away the tears with his only arm. 'My other arm and both my legs may be in that creature's belly," he continued, "but I don't hold a grudge." We can only hope someone catches him, or the days when spring term meant a quick dip in the Rio between classes will be gone forever,
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers