The parking problem is a satire by S.R. Hnasko I overheard administrators whisper ing in the library last week. Peeking between Stephen King’s "It” and “The Unabridged Illustrated Encyclopedia of Dining Hall Foods (the book is two pages long, folks),” I saw their faces alive with glee. “The students keep complaining about parking on campus,” said a man wearing a navy blue jacket “What if we just prohibit on-campus freshmen from bringing their cars to campus?” asked a bald man with a bushy moustache and rumpled suit ‘Troublesome,” said a woman in a monogrammed sweater. ‘Too trouble some. Besides, I thought we’re building a parking lot near the temporary class rooms.” “We are,” said Navy Blue. “But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I know what to do so we’ll never have a parking problem again 1” Navy Blue’s colleagues looked skeptical, but he would not tolerate their doubt He pulled out a large white sheet of paper, which, to my The Collegian, Penn State Hazleton It is the editorial policy of The Collegian not to prin , letters unless they are signed. Those unsigned will not bt printed; however, they will be investigated if the concern is newsworthy. While this newspaper is subject to the legal practices anc standards which govern all newspapers The Collegian wil not be censored in any form. The Collegian is of tht students, by the students, and for the students. Editor-in-chief: Scott R. Hnasko Asst Editor-in-chief: Michael T. Jesky Advertising manager: Tug McErlain Staff: Anthony Hahn, Tony Kraemer, J.T. Maziekas, Bob Vley, Kevin Newhart, Mike Rose, Michele Sales, Amy Spalluto, Meredith Tracy. Penn State Hazleton unbelieving eyes, unfolded to be a blueprint of the campus. “This is Highacres as we know it now,” said Navy Blue. Rumple sat forward in his chair while Monogram slipped on a pair of reading glasses. “What’s your plan?” she asked. Navy Blue smiled a nicotine-yellow smile. “Look at the Kostos building. Describe it for me.” “It’s a four-story building,” Rumple began, “containing offices, class rooms...” ’’...providing a moderate auditorium, chemistry labs...” continued Monogram. “That was Kostos in the old days,” Navy Blue interrupted. “The new Kos tos building will be a four-story parking garage!” Monogram and Rumple sat in silence for a moment They soon began to applaud, cheering “Brilliance!” and “Genius!” ‘That’s not all! We’re going to knock the walls out of the Phys Ed building and make it a 198-space parking lot!” “Yellow lines as far as the eye can see...” Monogram gasped. solved... “Asphalt and gravel and blacktop, oh my!” Rumple cried. “You know the Commons building? And the library and the bookstore?” Navy Blue asked. “You don’t mean...” Rumple trailed off as his eyes welled up with tears of joy. “Yes, my friend. We’re going to level them for parking! And the Memorial building! Laurel and Chestnut cottages! We’ll even bulldoze more of those ugly, useless trees!” “What about the new academic center being built?” Monogram asked. ‘The academic...oh, yes..you were never told, were you?” Navy Blue giggled. “It’s really going to be a gorgeous three-tier parking complex! The Evelyn Graham Parking Center!” “The Administration building and the soccer field! The security hut and the tennis courts! The temporary class rooms and the dining hall! All will fall to make way for parking!” Rumple chanted. “The students will never complain again!” Navy Blue yelled. “Wait a second,” Monogram said with a tremble in her voice. “Where will the students have class?” The libraiy was silent Merry Christmas December, 1990
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers