The parking problem is
a satire by S.R. Hnasko
I overheard administrators whisper
ing in the library last week. Peeking
between Stephen King’s "It” and “The
Unabridged Illustrated Encyclopedia of
Dining Hall Foods (the book is two
pages long, folks),” I saw their faces
alive with glee.
“The students keep complaining
about parking on campus,” said a man
wearing a navy blue jacket
“What if we just prohibit on-campus
freshmen from bringing their cars to
campus?” asked a bald man with a
bushy moustache and rumpled suit
‘Troublesome,” said a woman in a
monogrammed sweater. ‘Too trouble
some. Besides, I thought we’re building
a parking lot near the temporary class
rooms.”
“We are,” said Navy Blue. “But
that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I know
what to do so we’ll never have a
parking problem again 1”
Navy Blue’s colleagues looked
skeptical, but he would not tolerate
their doubt He pulled out a large
white sheet of paper, which, to my
The Collegian, Penn State Hazleton
It is the editorial policy of The Collegian not to prin ,
letters unless they are signed. Those unsigned will not bt
printed; however, they will be investigated if the concern
is newsworthy.
While this newspaper is subject to the legal practices anc
standards which govern all newspapers The Collegian wil
not be censored in any form. The Collegian is of tht
students, by the students, and for the students.
Editor-in-chief: Scott R. Hnasko
Asst Editor-in-chief: Michael T. Jesky
Advertising manager: Tug McErlain
Staff: Anthony Hahn, Tony Kraemer, J.T. Maziekas, Bob
Vley, Kevin Newhart, Mike Rose, Michele Sales, Amy
Spalluto, Meredith Tracy.
Penn State Hazleton
unbelieving eyes, unfolded to be a
blueprint of the campus.
“This is Highacres as we know it
now,” said Navy Blue. Rumple sat
forward in his chair while Monogram
slipped on a pair of reading glasses.
“What’s your plan?” she asked. Navy
Blue smiled a nicotine-yellow smile.
“Look at the Kostos building.
Describe it for me.”
“It’s a four-story building,” Rumple
began, “containing offices, class
rooms...”
’’...providing a moderate auditorium,
chemistry labs...” continued Monogram.
“That was Kostos in the old days,”
Navy Blue interrupted. “The new Kos
tos building will be a four-story parking
garage!”
Monogram and Rumple sat in silence
for a moment They soon began to
applaud, cheering “Brilliance!” and
“Genius!”
‘That’s not all! We’re going to knock
the walls out of the Phys Ed building
and make it a 198-space parking lot!”
“Yellow lines as far as the eye can
see...” Monogram gasped.
solved...
“Asphalt and gravel and blacktop, oh
my!” Rumple cried.
“You know the Commons building?
And the library and the bookstore?”
Navy Blue asked.
“You don’t mean...” Rumple trailed
off as his eyes welled up with tears of
joy.
“Yes, my friend. We’re going to level
them for parking! And the Memorial
building! Laurel and Chestnut cottages!
We’ll even bulldoze more of those ugly,
useless trees!”
“What about the new academic
center being built?” Monogram asked.
‘The academic...oh, yes..you were
never told, were you?” Navy Blue
giggled. “It’s really going to be a
gorgeous three-tier parking complex!
The Evelyn Graham Parking Center!”
“The Administration building and the
soccer field! The security hut and the
tennis courts! The temporary class
rooms and the dining hall! All will fall
to make way for parking!” Rumple
chanted.
“The students will never complain
again!” Navy Blue yelled.
“Wait a second,” Monogram said
with a tremble in her voice. “Where
will the students have class?” The
libraiy was silent
Merry Christmas
December, 1990