The Highacres collegian., September 19, 1958, Image 8

k
The upper crust is just a bunch
of crumbs stuck together by their
o ' own dough.
WOOFERS AND ME
A COMPLETELY DISJOINTED COLUKAT PRITTEN
THROUGH TBF COLLABORATION OF PROFESCOR
K.Q.BISHOP AND HANS VON SIDEBURN)
Fellow re cord scratchers,
These columnists are putting all their
efforts in the direction of beginning
a record collection for the new Student
Union. Naturally it will be necessary
to pre-scratch all records. Donate
your services freely, and please don l t
fool the slight bit inhibited about
making particularly deep scratches. As
we all know, the greatest men make the
best impressions. (Old pipe cleaners are
particularly effective in making deep
scratches)
Now, a little advice on warping and
scarring. A hard,blunt instrument, such
as an old tire iron, is especially effective
for widening groves, giving that polyphonic
effect. Warping recordings is one of the
most elevating of defacing processes.
And for those who prefer the polyrythematic
effect a sharp rake drawn horizontally
across the aurfaco will prove moat
edifying.
The real enthusiast can do a little
experimenting with hid needle and find
out just what it is that is recorded
on the felt surface of the turntable.
Soaking the turntable will help.
Itis amazing the interesting interpretation
of Bach that can be obtained by using a
wooden needle.
Now, for a revolutionary idea in record
vandalism. Cut two records of identical
make in half. One record should be some
thing equivalent to Beethoven's 7th
symphony, whereas the other should be
similar to Pete Daly's Dixieland Holiday.
MMI
FRESHMEN WEEK EDITION
Now, interchange the halves of the
records and glue them together. You
now have two very interesting recording
Mixing fun with pleasure, play the
recording while a music professor is
present. If the professor is of
particularly sturdy stock and does
not go into a state of shock from
which he will never recover, one con.
try saving the record in thirds and
inserting a section of Mozartfs
Requiem.
Now, lets close with a little practical
.6vic.— Pr-.w people know what to do
with their old, worn out records.
However, vie do. They are particularly
useful as matters for heavy drinkers,
as mirrors for blind people, and as
doormats for heavy footed people.
You could even pass them off as
licorice covered pizza's.
7or you students who are ultra-faaatics
our next article will deal with how
to vandalize phonographs- yours,
your ftiendsf and record shops'.
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