HIGHACRES COLLEGIAN .T LAST* THE BOYS CLASSIFIED Girls, here is the article you have been waiting for so long. W© realize you couldn { t make a move until the males have been as neatly classified as the females* With this guide, you can now aufc with the assurance that you will not make any mistakes or, heaven forbid, commit any serious breach of etiquette* Let's start with the "Sponge’J We*ll get this class out of the way first, because, really, he is not very pleasant to dwell upon* This type Is invariably out of cigarettes (temporally, of course), homework, paper, etc* Ih fact, he’s just out of it, period. Now let’s move on to our next oategory of the male animal, ’’The Anti-Social Type." lou've all seen him, or rather, not Seen him in his favoiite roosts—corners, back stairways, behind doors* It's no. use greeting himj he’s in a world of his own, lost in a dream or a cloud of cigarette smoke* Then, there is the "Man of the World." He : s been everywhere, seen everything, and has nothing more to learn. He. has an opinion on every subject, and will volunteer it on the slightest encouragement* The trouble is, he's never been farther away than Jeddo, and his reading is confined to "Mad" comics* We’ve all seen the" Athletic Type." His girl goes bowling every Saturday night, and, presumably, they handwrestle in their more tender moments. To make a hit with him is very simple* memorize the batting averages of all the major league players since 1925, und know who came in first at Aquaduct for the last ten years* Emily Post offers this method as effective, but no one could possibly be worth it* (This goes for auto-- maniacs, whose taste in conversation runs to carbitrators, dual exhausts, R.PoM.'s, pistons, etc*) As a special, warning, to you .girls, we now "Hell, he fell flat on his face. He couldn’t walk without his crutches*’’ Olga Markus present the "Boor*" He has never met the parents of a girl yet, and does not intend to* His car is equipj»dwith an extra loud horn (sounds like a dying bull elephant), which is used to tell the g"~ that "lover boy" is here* It’s no use he. waiting for him to open the car door;, ov any other doors* Tte girl who dates this type has to be very self-sufficient, definitely not the dependent type. Now we come to a very common breed—" The Man with the Line," also known as lover boy, Romeo, Don Juan, etc. Here's the set up* the year— 1-958 $ the time— lo s3o P;M<,j the place-a deserted roadj the excuse-’ the car’s out of gasj the cast- one very disgusted girl, plus the eager pitchmanc the risk he is taking is that she brought along a pint of gas* His dates can often be seen walking home late at night, and, eventually, he has to branch out to neighboring towns to get dates* Now we'll briefly mention an almost extinct breed, once known as "the gentleman*" There are few now in captivity, and it would not pay to go into a lengthly classification for the few specimens still left walking around* Of course, this classification does not refqp to any of the outstanding males in this "institution." They are in a class of their own. P.S* All letters to the editor concerning this article may be deposited in a special wastebasket which will be provided for that purpose* The drunk was telling of his days as a salesman* " he said, "I sold a bottle of my miracle rub to a cripple* He rubbed some on his right leg and threw away his right crutch* Then he rubbed some on his left leg afid threw away his left crutch." "Well, what happened then?" asked his listener* MARCH 14» 1958
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