HIGHACRES COLLEGIAN
.T LAST* THE BOYS CLASSIFIED
Girls, here is the article you have been
waiting for so long. W© realize you
couldn { t make a move until the males
have been as neatly classified as the
females* With this guide, you can now
aufc with the assurance that you will not
make any mistakes or, heaven forbid,
commit any serious breach of etiquette*
Let's start with the "Sponge’J We*ll
get this class out of the way first,
because, really, he is not very pleasant
to dwell upon* This type Is invariably
out of cigarettes (temporally, of course),
homework, paper, etc* Ih fact, he’s
just out of it, period.
Now let’s move on to our next oategory of
the male animal, ’’The Anti-Social Type."
lou've all seen him, or rather, not Seen
him in his favoiite roosts—corners,
back stairways, behind doors* It's no.
use greeting himj he’s in a world of his
own, lost in a dream or a cloud of
cigarette smoke*
Then, there is the "Man of the World."
He : s been everywhere, seen everything,
and has nothing more to learn. He. has
an opinion on every subject, and will
volunteer it on the slightest
encouragement* The trouble is, he's
never been farther away than Jeddo, and
his reading is confined to "Mad" comics*
We’ve all seen the" Athletic Type." His
girl goes bowling every Saturday night,
and, presumably, they handwrestle in
their more tender moments. To make a
hit with him is very simple* memorize
the batting averages of all the major
league players since 1925, und know who
came in first at Aquaduct for the last
ten years* Emily Post offers this
method as effective, but no one could
possibly be worth it* (This goes for auto--
maniacs, whose taste in conversation
runs to carbitrators, dual exhausts,
R.PoM.'s, pistons, etc*)
As a special, warning, to you .girls, we now "Hell, he fell flat on his face. He
couldn’t walk without his crutches*’’
Olga Markus
present the "Boor*" He has never met the
parents of a girl yet, and does not intend
to* His car is equipj»dwith an extra
loud horn (sounds like a dying bull
elephant), which is used to tell the g"~
that "lover boy" is here* It’s no use he.
waiting for him to open the car door;, ov
any other doors* Tte girl who dates this
type has to be very self-sufficient,
definitely not the dependent type.
Now we come to a very common breed—" The
Man with the Line," also known as lover
boy, Romeo, Don Juan, etc. Here's the set
up* the year— 1-958 $ the time— lo s3o P;M<,j
the place-a deserted roadj the excuse-’
the car’s out of gasj the cast- one very
disgusted girl, plus the eager pitchmanc
the risk he is taking is that she brought
along a pint of gas* His dates can often
be seen walking home late at night, and,
eventually, he has to branch out to
neighboring towns to get dates*
Now we'll briefly mention an almost
extinct breed, once known as "the
gentleman*" There are few now in
captivity, and it would not pay to go into
a lengthly classification for the few
specimens still left walking around*
Of course, this classification does not
refqp to any of the outstanding males in
this "institution." They are in a class
of their own.
P.S* All letters to the editor concerning
this article may be deposited in a special
wastebasket which will be provided for
that purpose*
The drunk was telling of his days as a
salesman* " he said, "I sold a
bottle of my miracle rub to a cripple*
He rubbed some on his right leg and
threw away his right crutch* Then he
rubbed some on his left leg afid threw
away his left crutch."
"Well, what happened then?" asked his
listener*
MARCH 14» 1958