By Marian Winik Special to The Capita! Times Welcome to the Butt Assessment Test (BAT)! While factors such as person ality, intelligence, education, and work experience are all impor tant to a woman's self-esteem and prospects, these indicators are secondary compared to the importance of her butt size. Even the most brilliant, kind ly, accomplished and beautiful woman can find herself living in the Seventh Circle of Hell if her butt is too big. And how do you know? I mean, once in a while you end up in a department store dressing room with fluorescent lights and the three-way mirror and you see to your shock that a hideous alien life form is now posing as one of your body parts. Fortunately, this is rare. Most of the time, your butt is in your head, and that is why psycholo gists have at last provided an assessment tool in this critical While a written test like the BAT cannot determine the actu al, i.e., “physical,” size of your butt, studies have shown that physical reality is far less impor tant than delusional projections when evaluating the effect of BBS (Big Butt Syndrome) on a woman's daily life. The BAT is designed to mea sure how big you think your butt is, and how neurotic you have become about it. And it's fun! Multiple Choice Section 1. The best thing about my butt a. It looks so good in a thong. b. Guys are crazy for it. c. It is comfortable to sit on. d. It is in a place where I rarely see it. 2. When I was a child, people made fun of my: a. little sister b. lunch box c. beautiful red hair d. butt 3. The most serious obstacle to my personal happiness is: a. my boring job. b. my abusive partner. c. my drug and/or alcohol addiction. d. my butt. 4. It is said that some men prefer women with big butts. This is: Ass’essment Test a. irrelevant. b. a pipe dream. c. true only in Third World countries d. proof of the existence of a benevolent God. 5. Which of the following is best for minimizing the appearance of your butt at the beach? a. a bathing suit with a French-cut leg b. a striped suit with a belt at the waist c. a frilly skirt over the hips d. no one will know if you don't take off the giant t-shirt 6. The best exercise for your butt a. leg lifts b. stairmaster c. arm circles d. stuffing it into jeans that are too small. 7. A large butt has been directly linked to: a. a highly sensual nature. b. ease of childbirth. c. unusual intelligence. d. Pop-Tart consumption. 8. Liposuction is: a. dangerous, b. expensive. c. vain. d. always a possibility. 9. One of the most unfair aspects of the disparity between the sexes is: a. Men are paid more for the same work. b. Men don't menstruate or bear children. c. Men control virtually all aspects of government and busi ness. d. Even totally out-of-shape men rarely have big butts. 10. I absolutely hate women who: a. sleep with other women’s husbands. b. sell our national secrets to enemy countries. c. cut in line at the grocery d. have high, well-muscled, cellulite-free butts. Analogy Section 11. Good. Evil: Claudia Schiffer's butt: a. O.J. Simpson's glove b. Bob Dole's neck c. Medusa's hair d. my butt True and False Section 12. At least my butt is smooth and unblemished. 13. At least my butt looks good in a pair of jeans. 14. At least my butt is not the size of a Chevy Suburban. 15. At least my butt is not responsible for the many prob lems of the world. Scoring Score one point for each “d” and each “False” answer you 0-5 points Okay, so your butt is fine. What about your thighs? Your stomach? Surely there is some unsightly part of your anatomy you can obsess on! 6-10 points Your butt-image is something of a problem. Have a friend take a Polaroid shot of you from the back naked. This will either put your fears to rest or send you to the bathtub with a razor blade. 11+ points Your gargantuan butt is ruin ing your life. But you knew that already. From Our Readers famiCy c l(ian(q> Editor: The article in the Oct. 6, 1999 edition of The Capital Times was a wonderful trib- ute to our precious son, Michael. His presence and so many cherished memories will remain in our hearts forever. We shall long remember your kindness in the hour of our sorrow. Leslie Kermick brought a framed copy of her lovely poem to Michael’s father and I. It is in our family room where we spend a lot of time. With sincere gratitude, Alvin, Marie and John Hemer Nov. 1, 1999 Glad I Found You I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, the lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. I carried you from the car and through the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tighly, fit ting you like a glove, exposing your tender white skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm, running them through the beads of water, making them trickle down off your body. I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit Policies of The Capital Times The Capital Times is published by the students of Penn State Harrisbuig. Viewpoints are solely those of the authors and are not representative of the college administration, faculty or student body. Concerns regarding the con tent of any issue should be directed to the editors. Advertisers are not sanc tioned by The Capital Tunes. The Capital Tunes welcomes signed letters from readers. No unsigned submission will be reprinted. However, a writer's name may be withheld upon request and by approval of the editors. You may reach The Capital Times at Penn State Harrisbuig Campus, W 341 Olmsted Building, 111 W. Harrisbuig Pike, Middletown, Pa., 17057. Phone us at: (717) 948-6440, or email: captimes@psu.edu. All materials - articles, photographs and artwork - are property of The Capital Tunes. No parts of this paper may be reproduced without the expressed written permission of the editors. Advisor: Crispin Sartwell • Editor: Matthew McKeown Business Manager: Serena Silverman • Sports: Barry J. Hicks Design & Layout: Alice Potteiger Wilkes, Matthew McKeown Writers & Contributors: Nicole Burkholder • Brad Clements • Amanda Fry Tabitha Goodling • Jesse Gutierrez • Deb Hoff • Bryan Kapschull Jill Karwoski • Ken Lopez • Paula Marinak • Daniel McClure Brad Moist • Cathie McCormick Musser • Kristy Pipher Barb Roy • Tina Sickler COMMENTARY can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door. As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. Slowly at first I put a little in, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more; you take it will ingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can’t put any more in. You are so tight. With your legs wrapped tight ly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth. You are so hot and moist; you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste. “Oh yes,” I say to you, “I must say grace.” “Thank God for Butterball turkey. Amen.” Pliny the Younger
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