COMMENTARY
Enjoy a Filled
Colonic Sheath
at the Ball Game
By Bryan Kapschull
Capital limes Staff Writer
Eye of newt... horse genitals... wing of
bat. A witches wicked brew? Nope, just
basic ingredients in your average hot dog.
Let’s explore the mystery of North
America’s second favorite meat tube.
The hot dog was created in 1815 by
motel manager Sir Ron Hassyburg. Sir
Ron, arguably the greatest man ever to
live, was famous for his extreme frugality.
He substituted trash bags with sections
of pig intestines. After tying off one end of
a foot long section (not unlike one would
tie a balloon) he would distribute the
fleshy intestinal sacs to his motel guests.
Sir Ron insisted they dispose of their
rubbish tidbits in these bags of filth. Motel
guests would fill the sacs with cigarette
butts, mustache trimmings, and rancid pork.
One fortunate day Sir Ron (in an opium
induced stupor) boiled, injested, and
digested one of these tubes of disgust. To
his delight, it was savory and delicious,
the hot dog was bom. However, Sir Ron
initially named his unique food invention
the “filled colonic sheath?’
There have been countless variations
on the hot dog since its genesis. Com
dogs, chili dogs, the footlong. Among the
forgetable versions of the tube-steak; the
caramel dog, an extremely unseccessful
attempt to capitilize on the popular
caramel apple.
Also, the Christopher Walken dog,
molded in the shape of Mr. Walken’s for
boding face. That hot dog stared back at
its eater as if to say “You’ll regret eating
me, asshole.”
Although the hot dog has met as much
ridicule as it has praise, it remains a staple
of the American diet. The French have their
snails, the Scotts their haggis, and the
Canadians their bacon. We have hot dogs.
The hot dog marks another great victo
ry for America. When challenged to pro
duce thespians of worth, we gave the
world Don Knots and Richard Moll.
It was doubted that American authors
could produce literature of cultural signif
icance, along came STAR magazine, and
this very essay.
The Soviets contested our space pro
gram, NASA answered with the Hubble
Telescope, and the Challenger Space
Shuttle.
Our culinary superiority over all other
nations has always been evident as a result
of the hot dog.
May the glorious reign of the filled
colonic sheath continue. May its love shine
on our nation as does the sun. And most
importanlty, the next time you enjoy a deli
cious hot dog, may you remember to give
thanks to Sir Ron Hassyburg... and opium.
rca
Our Lager
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I tui/f be drunk,
At home as in the
tavern.
Give us this day our
foamy head,
And forgive us our
spillages,
As ive forgive those who
spill against us.
And lead us not into
incarceration,
But deliver us from
hangovers.
For thine is the Beer,
The Bitter, and
the Lager,
Barmen
;
<
bJ<O TIHC Tb
3-l<3P?
VISIT MY
SHOPPING SITE!
Find many
“As Seen On TV” items
BELOW COST
Shop for yourself or start
Holiday Shopping
for everyone on your list!
Site is very user friendly.
WWW.BLMALL.COM
Enter Code #D000670
Look Out For the following Viruses:
CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails every
one about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer goes down
(but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy :P
PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but IT
WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then
discards it, through Windows.
'Train up a child in the way he should go:
and when he is old he will not depart from it"
"The first wealth is health."
- Bible, Proverbs 22:6
- Emerson