COMMENTARY Enjoy a Filled Colonic Sheath at the Ball Game By Bryan Kapschull Capital limes Staff Writer Eye of newt... horse genitals... wing of bat. A witches wicked brew? Nope, just basic ingredients in your average hot dog. Let’s explore the mystery of North America’s second favorite meat tube. The hot dog was created in 1815 by motel manager Sir Ron Hassyburg. Sir Ron, arguably the greatest man ever to live, was famous for his extreme frugality. He substituted trash bags with sections of pig intestines. After tying off one end of a foot long section (not unlike one would tie a balloon) he would distribute the fleshy intestinal sacs to his motel guests. Sir Ron insisted they dispose of their rubbish tidbits in these bags of filth. Motel guests would fill the sacs with cigarette butts, mustache trimmings, and rancid pork. One fortunate day Sir Ron (in an opium induced stupor) boiled, injested, and digested one of these tubes of disgust. To his delight, it was savory and delicious, the hot dog was bom. However, Sir Ron initially named his unique food invention the “filled colonic sheath?’ There have been countless variations on the hot dog since its genesis. Com dogs, chili dogs, the footlong. Among the forgetable versions of the tube-steak; the caramel dog, an extremely unseccessful attempt to capitilize on the popular caramel apple. Also, the Christopher Walken dog, molded in the shape of Mr. Walken’s for boding face. That hot dog stared back at its eater as if to say “You’ll regret eating me, asshole.” Although the hot dog has met as much ridicule as it has praise, it remains a staple of the American diet. The French have their snails, the Scotts their haggis, and the Canadians their bacon. We have hot dogs. The hot dog marks another great victo ry for America. When challenged to pro duce thespians of worth, we gave the world Don Knots and Richard Moll. It was doubted that American authors could produce literature of cultural signif icance, along came STAR magazine, and this very essay. The Soviets contested our space pro gram, NASA answered with the Hubble Telescope, and the Challenger Space Shuttle. Our culinary superiority over all other nations has always been evident as a result of the hot dog. May the glorious reign of the filled colonic sheath continue. May its love shine on our nation as does the sun. And most importanlty, the next time you enjoy a deli cious hot dog, may you remember to give thanks to Sir Ron Hassyburg... and opium. rca Our Lager Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I tui/f be drunk, At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As ive forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not into incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the Beer, The Bitter, and the Lager, Barmen ; < bJ