COMMENTARY Enjoy a Filled Colonic Sheath at the Ball Game By Bryan Kapschull Capital limes Staff Writer Eye of newt... horse genitals... wing of bat. A witches wicked brew? Nope, just basic ingredients in your average hot dog. Let’s explore the mystery of North America’s second favorite meat tube. The hot dog was created in 1815 by motel manager Sir Ron Hassyburg. Sir Ron, arguably the greatest man ever to live, was famous for his extreme frugality. He substituted trash bags with sections of pig intestines. After tying off one end of a foot long section (not unlike one would tie a balloon) he would distribute the fleshy intestinal sacs to his motel guests. Sir Ron insisted they dispose of their rubbish tidbits in these bags of filth. Motel guests would fill the sacs with cigarette butts, mustache trimmings, and rancid pork. One fortunate day Sir Ron (in an opium induced stupor) boiled, injested, and digested one of these tubes of disgust. To his delight, it was savory and delicious, the hot dog was bom. However, Sir Ron initially named his unique food invention the “filled colonic sheath?’ There have been countless variations on the hot dog since its genesis. Com dogs, chili dogs, the footlong. Among the forgetable versions of the tube-steak; the caramel dog, an extremely unseccessful attempt to capitilize on the popular caramel apple. Also, the Christopher Walken dog, molded in the shape of Mr. Walken’s for boding face. That hot dog stared back at its eater as if to say “You’ll regret eating me, asshole.” Although the hot dog has met as much ridicule as it has praise, it remains a staple of the American diet. The French have their snails, the Scotts their haggis, and the Canadians their bacon. We have hot dogs. The hot dog marks another great victo ry for America. When challenged to pro duce thespians of worth, we gave the world Don Knots and Richard Moll. It was doubted that American authors could produce literature of cultural signif icance, along came STAR magazine, and this very essay. The Soviets contested our space pro gram, NASA answered with the Hubble Telescope, and the Challenger Space Shuttle. Our culinary superiority over all other nations has always been evident as a result of the hot dog. May the glorious reign of the filled colonic sheath continue. May its love shine on our nation as does the sun. And most importanlty, the next time you enjoy a deli cious hot dog, may you remember to give thanks to Sir Ron Hassyburg... and opium. rca Our Lager Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I tui/f be drunk, At home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As ive forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not into incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the Beer, The Bitter, and the Lager, Barmen ; < bJ<O TIHC Tb 3-l<3P? VISIT MY SHOPPING SITE! Find many “As Seen On TV” items BELOW COST Shop for yourself or start Holiday Shopping for everyone on your list! Site is very user friendly. WWW.BLMALL.COM Enter Code #D000670 Look Out For the following Viruses: CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory. VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails every one about what it did. RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB. DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files. ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted. TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on"). DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy :P PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK. LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it, through Windows. 'Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old he will not depart from it" "The first wealth is health." - Bible, Proverbs 22:6 - Emerson
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers