PAGE 4 Letters To The Editor Avoid This Planet At All Possible Costs After watching the episode of Star Trek for the sixth time, the Trekkies of 2nd floor starbase Church imagined what would happen if Capt. Kirk and Mr. Spock materialized on the grounds of our own Capitol Campus. And whl would be the first to arrive at the scene but our own Officer t'aul. As we all know, Mr. Spock has the Vulcan Nerve Grip which renders humans powerless and unconscious. What would happen if he tried it on Officer Paul? He hasn't any nerves in his body, so the nerve grip couldn't work. Mr. Spock also has the Vulcan mind suggestion and mind probe power too! Need I say more about the uselessness of that? Kirk and Spock were in a quandry what to do. "Let's beam him up", Kirk says, "for observation". A brilliant thought came to Officer Paul, "wouldn't the U.S.S. En terprise make a great police car?" Meanwhile, he went to Sick Bay where Dr. McCoy's in struments blew up while trying to find out what makes Officer Paul tick. He deducted that they shorted out because officer Paul has, an ice cube for a heart. At the same time, Mr. Spock, was on the next bed having a ner vous breakdown trying to figure out why his powers couldn't work. Officer Paul went to the bridge for a visit. While there, Kirk asked why Officer Paul had a look of shock on his face. Kirk then looked over to Lt. Uhura. She had bent over to pick up a pencil off the floor. Kirk was quick to deduct the reason. Kirk then ordered Officer Paul to get off the ship because he produced pure havoc while he was there. He was tran sported back to earth to resume the role of the mild man nered security chief of Capitol Campus. Oddly enough the frequency of the communicators on the Enterprise coincide with that of the frequency of the police car. Ask Bob Abrams about that. Officer Paul picked up a call to the Federation's Star Fleet Command saying to avoid this planet at all possible cost. Still, I don't care what they say, Officer Paul, you're all right in my book even though you gave me 15 tickets for parking, 10 tickets for going the wrong way.... P.S. Mr. Spock is said to have been sent to a Mental In stitution!!!! Sexual Drought Solution Proposed Dear Dave, How are you, I am fine. We, the "Brown Eyes" from the first floor Church, just finished reading the dissertation on the sexual drought here at Capitol Campus, by the High Acres Club. They think they have problems. At least they have "women" to look at. Here at Church Hall, horniness runs at epidemic proportions. What happens to someone who lives here constantly? Believe it or not, you get used to it, after all, who needs girls? We guys get along really well. We're not saying we're not horny, but when you drop your soap in the shower, just be sure you have your back to the wall. Now we know why we aren't allowed to keep pets. The other night, I had a dream. I dreamt I was down on the waterfront lying face down on the dock. On top of me there was a gigantic fish. It's scales were digging into my skin. When I woke up, I realized it was my blanket. The social committee spends huge sums of money on bands and beer to come here so we can stand around like freshmen at a junior high school dance. We propose that this money be spent on saltpeter to be issued daily to each and every male resident student, due to the rising cost of Vaseline. That's all there is to say, it's time to go sharpen our horns Things are well in hand. Religion Has Bombed Out In reference to, 'The History Of V. D.', which appeared in the February 14th edition of the C.C. Reader. I agree, religion has bombed out. Man trying to get to God just doesn't make it. But, a total commitment to Jesus Christ is where one finds true reality. And that's something one will never experience unless they accept Christ as their personal Savior themselves. A person can never forget 'those guilt complexes'. He can put them on a shelf or shove them aside, but, they will always be with him. Whereas, through Jesus Christ, one can be completely forgiven and at peace with himself, because of His love. God knows the kind of life that will bring us the most satisfaction. That's why He gave us morals, which are guide lines to protect us from things like V.D. "I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly". ---Jesus Christ. So friends, if your interested in getting the most out of life, ask Christ into it. References: John 10:10, John 3:16, John 14:6, Matt. 10:32 & 33, and Romans 3:23 to 26 inclusive. The Trekkies of 2nd floor Starbase Church "Brown Eyes" Ist floor Church "No-Tell Motel" Steven A. Gundel C.C. READER McDonald's Defended Editor Why are you clowns on that miserable excuse for a newspaper always downgrading McDonalds? I've read your publication with much disgust thru the last two terms as you've repeatedly cast slanderous monotonic aspersions on this great American restaurant chain. My heart was gladdened when that one brave soul last erm wrote in defense of McDonalds. My major question, though, is why is McDonalds always your perennial target? Isn't Mr. Paul good enough material for slander anymore? What happened to all the bitching you used to do over parking rates? I think your paper has gone to pot. The old Capitol ist used to be much more interesting and report on more substantial controversies. They even used to run McDonalds ads with coupons for free sandwiches. What happened? I eat at McDonalds all the time, and there is nothing I like more than the smell of a three-hour-old Big Mac. Like the hookers say: try it, you'll like it! Boys Will Be Boys Dear Highacres Club, Boys are boys and men are men and if you're a man you'll go out and get a girl and bring her to a social event. But as the saying goes- "Boys will be boys". Dear Highacres Club, I appreciate your empathetic approach to my situation, but the problem is still here and if you or anybody has any type of feasible solution it would be appreciated. I am sure that not only myself but the person who is to get stuck with this rap next year will appreciate it also. YOUR Social Committee Chairman, Dave Nicholas Personal To The Mysterious Chingus Khan No wonder you don't reveal your real identity. It takes a lot of balls to make the statements that you have been making and if your real I.D. was known you probably wouldn't have them any more. The Woman's Side out, but wow, they're way out in left field somewhere. I can't say that this is true for all guys here, because it's not, and I thank the guys for whom it is not true. We need more of you! It's the others that I'm directing this letter to. It's too bad that those few ruin it. But, I've never ever been faced with this type of situation in my life, and I really can't stand to be in it now. I hope people here can grow up a little so that future girls on this campus won't be put through this. I hope that it is not too late to help now though. Shape up guys and try to re evaluate. Things could be different if people everybody- would try a little harder. The Girls who Have To Live Here Cathy Began *************** Educational Stipends-Taxation Scholarships for which no services are rendered are not taxable. Regular scholarships and G. I. Bills are not taxable. Scholarships such as Graduate Assistantship where professors have Graduate Students assisting them in teaching any given course are taxable. If you need more info, see Roberta McLeod, Student activities Coordinator in WlO6. TO THE EDITOR I am one of the rarities on Capitol Campus, a girl, and this letter is the result of finally figuring out how some guys think on this campus and, to tell you the truth, it makes me sick. Go ahead guys, laugh. Who'd ever dream a girl would have any problems on this campus, ha! It's really bad when a girl tries to talk to a guy on a friendly basis and then all of a sudden the guy thinks, "Aha' She's flirting with me!" I'm serious, a girl can't even say a simple hi to a guy or automatically she's flirting. Then, if she's not friendly to people, she's labeled a bitch. A girl is stuck too when accept ing and refusing dates. If she refuses to go out with guys that she has abso lutely no interest in, they say, "Oh, she's too stuck up. Don't every ask her out." If she does go out with guys, it automatically said, "She goes out with everybody; she must be 0.K." That's really a sick attitude, don't you think? Kind of reminds you of high school, doesn't it. Also, I've heart it said that the girls on this campus are "cock teasers." If that isn't the best yet! When girls hear this, they are really upset about it. I know. Guys read so much into a girl that it's pitiful: They think they've got us figured Larry Surak & Household Dave Replies Chingus Khan? Occupants of 119 Church Hall Sincerely, Sara Semeneater FEBRUARY 28, 1975 Cave Dwellers— And Others Hi, Fun lovers! Sorry to hear you're feeling down but remember, the best is yet to come! Yes sir, seniors, graduating this year isn't going to be like being shot out of a cannon. No, this year we're coming out like the V.C. drips. A real spot on the shorts of America. Too bad, isn't it. But what to do? Well remember it was Shirley Temple who got us out of the Great Recession, not F.D.R. So what does that have to do with us? Simply that now is the time for a little imagin ation, and I'm afraid that we at Capitol have shown as little as anyone lately. Take a tip from HACC, a little vitality can go a long way, all the way to network T.V. But talk is cheap, little chickens, as you've seen lately in this campus rag. I propose we start submit ting ideas to the Reader for some spontaneous and non-spontaneous activities How about a Provost Roast or perhaps a tongue-in cheek "Worst Professor" award for each curriculum. We could preceed it with campaign posters spelling out the "attributes" of our favorite profs, like the en gineering prof who, it is rumored, takes his clothes off and plays with his Hewlett-Packard, or that history prof who sublim ates his sex drive by per forming obstreperously in front of female students. We could have an awards banquet for student and faculty in the student center with a hot dog and sauerkraut sit down dinner. Or how about a "Why I like John Paul" contest or per haps a "Bring a Friend to Capitol Day". Imagination, not bitching is what we need, Cave Dwellers (dormies), Super-Suburb anites (Heights fold), and Silent Majority (commut ers). Maybe a sports super star contest, or a grass brownie day, or a ravine scene or a.... Evans *************** Vets Visit Vets "Vets visiting Vets" is the way Edna Keister, a veteran herself, describes a forthcoming trip of former Gl's who will visit a Veterans Administration Hospital. The XGI Fraternity at Penn State-Capitol Campus will visit and entertain patients in the drug detoxification ward at the Coatesville VA Hospital on Friday, February 28. Ms. Keister, the only woman member of the XGI Fraternity at Penn State- Capitol Campus, stated that wives, girls friends and mothers will prepare baked goods and serve refresh ments. Entertainment will be provided by two guitarists, Jane Shueand Jane Jones.
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