Collegian Page 4 Strange Daze; by Ed Miseta Collegian Staff Writer "After much thought and debate, I've finally decided to toss my hat into the ring," I said to my friend Dave. ’Tve decided to run for president of the United States of America." "You must be kidding" he said. "Isn't it kind of late for that?” "Not really" I said. "I figure once news about my campaign and my views on the issues gets out, my popularity will spread faster than the bull during a Dr. Kurre lecture. Biit first things first. I’ll need a good slogan. How about this: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for Ed,’ What do you think?" "Sounds like you went to the Joe Biden School of Slogan Writing" he replied. "But the American people won’t fall for catchy slogans. They'll want to know that you are indeed the best man for the job." "And I intend to prove to them that I am" I said. "Go ahead, ask me anything.” "Okay” he said. "How do you feel about reducing nuclear arms?” ■*Xg7| MAZDA’S HIGH VELOCITY PHILOSOPHY. THE NEW-GENERATION FUEL-INJECTED 1957 MAZDA RX-7. Standard features: Fuel-injected rotary engine Dynamic Tracking Suspension System, and much more. 0 to 60 rnph in 8.0 seconds. 2315 West 12th Street Erie. PA 16505 (814) 432-6441 S-S 3 — _ ~ jr THE ROAD CAR OF SMALL CARS. THE FUEL-INJECTED 1987 MAZDA 323. The solid-riding, front-wheel-drive 323 comes standard with a 1.6-litre OHC engine, 5-speed overdrive, and fully independent suspension. 2313 West 12th Street ' Erie. PA 16505 (814) 452-6441 EUROPEAN INSPIRATION. MAZDA VALUE THE FUEL-INJECTED . 1957 MAZDA 626. Come drive the world-class front wheel-drive road car that's priced lower than many ordinary cars. Its the performance value of the year. 2315 West i2th Street Erie. PA 16505 (814) 452-6441 "I’m all for it” I said. "We should reduce nuclear arms, especially among people who work in restaurants. We wouldn't want any radiation from their arms to get into the food. We should also reduce nuclear legs, necks, and most importantly, nuclear groins. The last thing we need is some form of radioactive V.D. running rampant in the heterosexual population. Iran is always wanting more arms. We should ship some to them." "Well," he said, "that's not what I meant by...” "Next question" I said. "How do you feel about Euthanasia?" "That’s a ridiculous question" I said. "Lord knows we have enough problems with the youth in America. Why should we worry about the youth in Asia?" "No, no" he said. "I meant euth...” "Next question" I said. "Okay, what are your views on the I.R.A. in Ireland?" "I don't see anything wrong with it" I said. "Individual Retirement Accounts are very popular these days. Everybody has them." "What about the Persian "Well, the Persians play golf the same way we do here, don't Nothing to do at Behrend = Not by Kevin Trenney Collegian Staff Writer Yes, they’ve done it again! Who are they and what have they done? They are the fine people in Student Services and they have once again brought a top-notch speaker to Behrend. Who was it this time? And the answer is. . . Mr. David Ben-Dove, Consulate General of Israel, in Philadelphia. The quest for peace in the Middle East was the subject of his presentation - quite a timely topic, one would think. Now I must go on. You see, it is now time for me to fulfill my second calling in life. It is time for me to preach. My sermon is directed to all of those "yummies" (people who blob through life). To quote (steal from) my former chemistry teacher (where he stole it from is beyond me), I wish to entitle my sermon, "Nothing to do at Behrend? Ha! I hate you, you apathetic cretins." Oh, yes, there is nothing to do at Behrend! Speakers are no good. Why would anyone want to attend cultural events or listen to speakers who' address important issues? It is beyond me. Could it be that one wants to expand one's horizons, grow intellectually, become a well rounded individual, become more Webster’s Learning Corner Do you know what each of these words mean? RACISM- 1: the assumption that psychocultural traits and capacities are determined by biological race and that races differ decisively from one another which is usually coupled with a belief with the inherent superiority of a particular race and its right to domination over others. PREJUDICE- la: injury or damage due to some judgement or action of another (as in disregard of a person’s) : resulting detriment - now used briefly in phrases "in the prejudice of' "to the prejudice of his own interests"; b: injury in general: DETRIMENT, HURT 2a: (I): preconceived judgement or opinion: leaning towards one side of a question from other considerations than those belonging they? We should send some of our pros over there to play with them. By the way, what was all that controversy about a few years ago over the shawl of Iran? Couldn't they just knit another one?" "What about welfare for the "That’s something that has got to stop. The rich get their well water for free. Why should the poor people have to pay a well fare?" "This is going nowhere" he said. "Have you given any thought to who you would want in your cabinet?" "Yes, I have" I said. "For secretary of defense I'd get Ollie North. He seems to know a lot about that kind of stuff. For secretary of the treasury I'd get Jimmy Bakkcr. He’s good at raking in the cash, and spending it. I’d get Nancy Reagan to be my budget director. Then, whenever Congress comes asking for something, she can 'just say no'. I would also need a good first lady. I was thinking about Madonna. Think Sean Penn would loan her to me for four years?" "I'm not sure" he said. "What about Vice-President?” "I was thinking of Samantha Fox" I replied. "Why Samantha Fox?" he informed? Sorry, I forgot, these "party 'til they puke-rs" have already reached that pinnacle of fully realized potential! They are completely developed intellectually. I know that if I were in this position, all that I would want to do is offer sacrifices to the many porcelain deities and become an absolute ass through the avenue of alcohol. Nothing to do = Bull = Not enough parties here. Ah yes. I hold them all so dear in my heart. Well if -I "walking brainstem," a "jello-head," a "dumb-bucket" - to quote someone else, I could say this about all of those apathetic creatures (as sub human as they may be). Please forgive me for my unkind comments. I am simply made ill by people who can't come out of or see past their own little worlds. Are these "yummies" unable to see the danger in their lifestyle? Herein lies the danger. When people don't exercise their rights or keep informed, there is a greater chance that their rights will be taken away from them. Knowledge is power. Without knowledge they will be powerless to prevent the undesirable and change the unjust. Oh well. Where do people like David Ben- Dove, Dr. Alvin Poussaint, to it: unreasonable predilecation for or objection against something (2): an opinion or leading adverse to anything without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge DIVERSITY -1: the condition of being different or having differences: VARIETY 2: an instance of being different INJUSTICE -1: absence of justice: violation of right or of the rights of another: INIQUITY, UNFAIRNESS 2: an unjust act or deed: WRONG OUTCAST -1: one who is cast out or refused acceptance by society: a friendless or rejected person: CASTAWAY -Name withheld until end of semester for final article TROUBLED? NEED TO TALK? WE CAN HELP.„ WE CARE ABOUT YOU! PENN STATE-BEHREND !■ CAMPUS MINISTRY Student Services Reed Building 898-8248 OFF-CAMPUS WORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES BUS TRANSPORTATION AVAILABLE FOR 11.00 am. SERVICES BUS LEAVES REED 1015 a.m SUNDAYS ON CAMHUb WORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES ROMAN CATHOLIC MASS with The Rev. Ron Toven* (Ff. Ron) SATURDAYS. 5 30 pm. in THE REED LECTURE HALL PINN STATE-BEHREND . CAMPUS MINISTRY "She has a nice chest" I replied. "Forget about the cabinet” he said. "I'm sure you realize that they'll do some type of security check into your past. Do you have anything to hide?" "Like what?" I asked. "Have you ever visited with a prostitute?" "Well, I have to admit, I did do that once. But it's okay. I pulled a Jimmy Swaggart. I just sat and watched. Does that count?" "What about drug use?" he asked." Most government agencies allow only Five experimental tries, and with marijuana only." "That’s cool" I said. 'T only use it five times. Once in the morning, once before and after lunch, once after dinner, and once before bed." "I don't think they meant in one day” he said. "Do you have any other beliefs that might interest the voters?" "Yes" I said. "I believe that love is the best thing that money can buy." "I give up” he said. "You want Madonna in the White House, you want to sell nuclear arms to Iran, you support the IRA, you want to send Americans to the Persian Gulf, and you want to cut off welfare to the poor. I don't think most Americans would want that." "That’s ok” I said. "When has the government ever done what the American people wanted anyway?" enough parties? William Buckley, and George McGovern fit in? They address issues which are important. Through hearing speakers like these, one can gain perspective about important events, become more informed, and expand his intellect. Let others give you the precious gift of their knowledge! May the Speakers Series live long and prosper! "Buckle Up, Behrend!" Now it's a law. A public service message from the Collegian THE BORN LOSER ®by Art Sansom r opinion Love Rob Primary Reasons By Rob Prindle Staff Writer I'll tell you what's been on my mind. I’ve been thinking about the primary election a that's coming up in a few weeks, and here is my advice: DON'T VOTE. I did not come to this opinion easily. I shut myself in a cold, dark room for days with nothing to read but Newsweek, The USA Today, Mad Magazine and the latest Far Side anthology. lam now, and always will be, an expert on the subject of the competitive two party elective system. God, I feel so powerful. Now, I suppose, you want some reasons not to vote. You want those reasons because you are all responsible, well educated citizens who demand your stty in this representative government You demand your day at the polls and you deserve your day, but lets face it, some people just shouldn't vote. I’ve heard a lot of talk about voter apathy. I'm for it I don't want anyone who is too lazy to pull a few levers deciding who should run our country. Therefore, I say to the apathetic people of the country: DONT VOTE. Just stay at home. Well, that takes care of the 50% of you. The rest of you don’t give up that easy. Alright, who else shouldn't vote? Bi-sexuals should stay at home on election night. Why? Simple. Anyone who can't decide what gender they prefer cannot be trusted to decide an important elected office like the presidency. A person who can't decide between Playboy and Playgirl at the newstand probably isn’t going to be incredibly effective in a voting booth. Oh yeah, transvestites shouldn't vote either. A person who can't decide between wearing a pair of blue jeans and work boots, or a leather mini skirt and pumps may have some bigger problems than who the republicans should nominate for president. Women who now think, or have _ -nought uiai was a sexy guy should not vote. I'm sorry to have to break the news to you ladies. Michael is a woman, although maybe not female. If you couldn't figure that out without my help you are not competent to vote according to my rules. Catholics shouldn't vote if they haven’t felt like laughing at church service when the priest kisses every religious object within reach. I'm Catholic sometimes, and I have to actually turn my head when the priest pucker, to avoid an embarrassing outburst of laughter. On the other hand, if you have ever been thrown out of church for what I have just mentioned, you should get three votes. Those are the major categories but in case there are a few of you who slipped through, there are a few other groups who should not vote. Cigarette smokers. You stink the place up and besides there are no ashtrays in voting booths. Smokers should have realized'that their voting days were numbered as soon as the government started creating both smoldng and non-smoking sections in public buildings. It will be hard for smokers to vote from the broom closet. Just a few more, all for obvious reasons. Beastie Boys fans. Anyone who enjoys physics. People who own cats. Anyone who does not read this column regularly. Anyone who admires Oliver North's integrity.. Anyone who thinks George-Bush reminds them of Clint Eastwood. Anyone who thinks George Bush reminds them of a president And the list goes on. Space limitations do not enable me to eliminate everyone, so, since, a partial list may lead to wide spread voter confusion I will simplify things. You can vote if you got a few yucks out of this column. I'll see you all at the polls.
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