Collegian
Page 4
Strange Daze;
by Ed Miseta
Collegian Staff Writer
"After much thought and
debate, I've finally decided to toss
my hat into the ring," I said to my
friend Dave. ’Tve decided to run for
president of the United States of
America."
"You must be kidding" he
said. "Isn't it kind of late for that?”
"Not really" I said. "I figure
once news about my campaign and
my views on the issues gets out,
my popularity will spread faster
than the bull during a Dr. Kurre
lecture. Biit first things first. I’ll
need a good slogan. How about
this:
'Ask not what your country
can do for you, ask what you can do
for Ed,’
What do you think?"
"Sounds like you went to the
Joe Biden School of Slogan
Writing" he replied. "But the
American people won’t fall for
catchy slogans. They'll want to
know that you are indeed the best
man for the job."
"And I intend to prove to
them that I am" I said. "Go ahead,
ask me anything.”
"Okay” he said. "How do
you feel about reducing nuclear
arms?”
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"I’m all for it” I said. "We
should reduce nuclear arms,
especially among people who work
in restaurants. We wouldn't want
any radiation from their arms to get
into the food. We should also
reduce nuclear legs, necks, and most
importantly, nuclear groins. The
last thing we need is some form of
radioactive V.D. running rampant
in the heterosexual population. Iran
is always wanting more arms. We
should ship some to them."
"Well," he said, "that's not
what I meant by...”
"Next question" I said.
"How do you feel about
Euthanasia?"
"That’s a ridiculous question"
I said. "Lord knows we have
enough problems with the youth in
America. Why should we worry
about the youth in Asia?"
"No, no" he said. "I meant
euth...”
"Next question" I said.
"Okay, what are your views
on the I.R.A. in Ireland?"
"I don't see anything wrong
with it" I said. "Individual
Retirement Accounts are very
popular these days. Everybody has
them."
"What about the Persian
"Well, the Persians play golf
the same way we do here, don't
Nothing to do at Behrend = Not
by Kevin Trenney
Collegian Staff Writer
Yes, they’ve done it again! Who
are they and what have they done?
They are the fine people in Student
Services and they have once again
brought a top-notch speaker to
Behrend. Who was it this time?
And the answer is. . . Mr. David
Ben-Dove, Consulate General of
Israel, in Philadelphia. The quest
for peace in the Middle East was the
subject of his presentation - quite a
timely topic, one would think.
Now I must go on. You see, it
is now time for me to fulfill my
second calling in life. It is time for
me to preach. My sermon is
directed to all of those "yummies"
(people who blob through life). To
quote (steal from) my former
chemistry teacher (where he stole it
from is beyond me), I wish to
entitle my sermon, "Nothing to do
at Behrend? Ha! I hate you, you
apathetic cretins."
Oh, yes, there is nothing to do
at Behrend! Speakers are no good.
Why would anyone want to attend
cultural events or listen to speakers
who' address important issues? It is
beyond me. Could it be that one
wants to expand one's horizons,
grow intellectually, become a well
rounded individual, become more
Webster’s Learning Corner
Do you know what each of
these words mean?
RACISM- 1: the assumption
that psychocultural traits and
capacities are determined by
biological race and that races differ
decisively from one another which
is usually coupled with a belief
with the inherent superiority of a
particular race and its right to
domination over others.
PREJUDICE- la: injury or
damage due to some judgement or
action of another (as in disregard of
a person’s) : resulting detriment -
now used briefly in phrases "in the
prejudice of' "to the prejudice of his
own interests"; b: injury in general:
DETRIMENT, HURT
2a: (I): preconceived judgement
or opinion: leaning towards one side
of a question from other
considerations than those belonging
they? We should send some of our
pros over there to play with them.
By the way, what was all that
controversy about a few years ago
over the shawl of Iran? Couldn't
they just knit another one?"
"What about welfare for the
"That’s something that has
got to stop. The rich get their well
water for free. Why should the poor
people have to pay a well fare?"
"This is going nowhere" he
said. "Have you given any thought
to who you would want in your
cabinet?"
"Yes, I have" I said. "For
secretary of defense I'd get Ollie
North. He seems to know a lot
about that kind of stuff. For
secretary of the treasury I'd get
Jimmy Bakkcr. He’s good at raking
in the cash, and spending it. I’d get
Nancy Reagan to be my budget
director. Then, whenever Congress
comes asking for something, she
can 'just say no'. I would also need
a good first lady. I was thinking
about Madonna. Think Sean Penn
would loan her to me for four
years?"
"I'm not sure" he said. "What
about Vice-President?”
"I was thinking of Samantha
Fox" I replied.
"Why Samantha Fox?" he
informed? Sorry, I forgot, these
"party 'til they puke-rs" have already
reached that pinnacle of fully
realized potential! They are
completely developed intellectually.
I know that if I were in this
position, all that I would want to do
is offer sacrifices to the many
porcelain deities and become an
absolute ass through the avenue of
alcohol. Nothing to do = Bull =
Not enough parties here.
Ah yes. I hold them all so dear
in my heart. Well if -I
"walking brainstem," a "jello-head,"
a "dumb-bucket" - to quote someone
else, I could say this about all of
those apathetic creatures (as sub
human as they may be). Please
forgive me for my unkind
comments. I am simply made ill
by people who can't come out of or
see past their own little worlds.
Are these "yummies" unable to
see the danger in their lifestyle?
Herein lies the danger. When
people don't exercise their rights or
keep informed, there is a greater
chance that their rights will be
taken away from them. Knowledge
is power. Without knowledge they
will be powerless to prevent the
undesirable and change the unjust.
Oh well.
Where do people like David Ben-
Dove, Dr. Alvin Poussaint,
to it: unreasonable predilecation for
or objection against something
(2): an opinion or leading
adverse to anything without just
grounds or before sufficient
knowledge
DIVERSITY -1: the
condition of being different or
having differences: VARIETY
2: an instance of being different
INJUSTICE -1: absence of
justice: violation of right or of the
rights of another: INIQUITY,
UNFAIRNESS
2: an unjust act or deed:
WRONG
OUTCAST -1: one who is
cast out or refused acceptance by
society: a friendless or rejected
person: CASTAWAY
-Name withheld until end of
semester for final article
TROUBLED?
NEED TO TALK?
WE CAN HELP.„ WE
CARE ABOUT YOU!
PENN STATE-BEHREND !■
CAMPUS MINISTRY
Student Services Reed Building
898-8248
OFF-CAMPUS WORSHIP
OPPORTUNITIES
BUS TRANSPORTATION AVAILABLE FOR
11.00 am. SERVICES
BUS LEAVES REED
1015 a.m SUNDAYS
ON CAMHUb WORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES
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with The Rev. Ron Toven* (Ff. Ron)
SATURDAYS. 5 30 pm. in
THE REED LECTURE HALL
PINN STATE-BEHREND
. CAMPUS MINISTRY
"She has a nice chest" I
replied.
"Forget about the cabinet” he
said. "I'm sure you realize that
they'll do some type of security
check into your past. Do you have
anything to hide?"
"Like what?" I asked.
"Have you ever visited with
a prostitute?"
"Well, I have to admit, I did
do that once. But it's okay. I pulled
a Jimmy Swaggart. I just sat and
watched. Does that count?"
"What about drug use?" he
asked." Most government agencies
allow only Five experimental tries,
and with marijuana only."
"That’s cool" I said. 'T only
use it five times. Once in the
morning, once before and after
lunch, once after dinner, and once
before bed."
"I don't think they meant in
one day” he said. "Do you have any
other beliefs that might interest the
voters?"
"Yes" I said. "I believe that
love is the best thing that money
can buy."
"I give up” he said. "You
want Madonna in the White House,
you want to sell nuclear arms to
Iran, you support the IRA, you
want to send Americans to the
Persian Gulf, and you want to cut
off welfare to the poor. I don't think
most Americans would want that."
"That’s ok” I said. "When
has the government ever done what
the American people wanted
anyway?"
enough parties?
William Buckley, and George
McGovern fit in? They address
issues which are important.
Through hearing speakers like
these, one can gain perspective
about important events, become
more informed, and expand his
intellect. Let others give you the
precious gift of their knowledge!
May the Speakers Series live long
and prosper!
"Buckle
Up,
Behrend!"
Now it's
a law.
A public service
message from the
Collegian
THE BORN LOSER ®by Art Sansom
r
opinion
Love Rob
Primary Reasons
By Rob Prindle
Staff Writer
I'll tell you what's been on my mind. I’ve been thinking about the
primary election a that's coming up in a few weeks, and here is my
advice: DON'T VOTE. I did not come to this opinion easily. I shut
myself in a cold, dark room for days with nothing to read but
Newsweek, The USA Today, Mad Magazine and the latest Far Side
anthology. lam now, and always will be, an expert on the subject of
the competitive two party elective system. God, I feel so powerful.
Now, I suppose, you want some reasons not to vote. You want
those reasons because you are all responsible, well educated citizens
who demand your stty in this representative government You demand
your day at the polls and you deserve your day, but lets face it, some
people just shouldn't vote.
I’ve heard a lot of talk about voter apathy. I'm for it I don't want
anyone who is too lazy to pull a few levers deciding who should run
our country. Therefore, I say to the apathetic people of the country:
DONT VOTE. Just stay at home.
Well, that takes care of the 50%
of you. The rest of you don’t give
up that easy. Alright, who else
shouldn't vote? Bi-sexuals should
stay at home on election night.
Why? Simple. Anyone who can't
decide what gender they prefer
cannot be trusted to decide an
important elected office like the
presidency. A person who can't
decide between Playboy and Playgirl
at the newstand probably isn’t going
to be incredibly effective in a voting
booth. Oh yeah, transvestites
shouldn't vote either. A person
who can't decide between wearing a
pair of blue jeans and work boots,
or a leather mini skirt and pumps
may have some bigger problems
than who the republicans should
nominate for president.
Women who now think, or have _ -nought uiai
was a sexy guy should not vote. I'm sorry to have to break the news to
you ladies. Michael is a woman, although maybe not female. If you
couldn't figure that out without my help you are not competent to vote
according to my rules.
Catholics shouldn't vote if they haven’t felt like laughing at church
service when the priest kisses every religious object within reach. I'm
Catholic sometimes, and I have to actually turn my head when the
priest pucker, to avoid an embarrassing outburst of laughter. On the
other hand, if you have ever been thrown out of church for what I have
just mentioned, you should get three votes.
Those are the major categories but in case there are a few of you
who slipped through, there are a few other groups who should not vote.
Cigarette smokers. You stink the place up and besides there are no
ashtrays in voting booths. Smokers should have realized'that their
voting days were numbered as soon as the government started creating
both smoldng and non-smoking sections in public buildings. It will be
hard for smokers to vote from the broom closet.
Just a few more, all for obvious reasons. Beastie Boys fans.
Anyone who enjoys physics. People who own cats. Anyone who does
not read this column regularly. Anyone who admires Oliver North's
integrity.. Anyone who thinks George-Bush reminds them of Clint
Eastwood. Anyone who thinks George Bush reminds them of a
president And the list goes on.
Space limitations do not enable me to eliminate everyone, so, since,
a partial list may lead to wide spread voter confusion I will simplify
things. You can vote if you got a few yucks out of this column.
I'll see you all at the polls.