I The Behrend Beacon Grocery store? More like gross-Erie store Going to the grocery store has to he. by tar. one of the most awk ward and inappropriate experiences ever invented. For many college students the humiliation starts before yon even leave the house. A trip to the grocers store is only warranted as a last resort. At that point you have already had your fill of stolen crackers and ketchup packets from Bruno's and the container of bread crumbs in the back of the cabinet just isn't that appealing anymore. So you think to yourself "Alright I'll make a list of all the best things that I want to eat when 1 get to the grocery store." You could n’t be bothered to follow the directions to put together your new desk chair but when it comes to food you need a full-on plan of attack. But that’s not so bad. Except, as soon as you walk in the store you reach for your back pocket where you thought the list was. hut no, it's sit ting on your desk. That's just great, but you're better than that, you move on. Start with the basics like bread and milk. But even then it’s not an easy decision. Don’t eat white bread. White bread will kill you. It's the real silent killer. Wheat bread tastes better anvwav. Trust me. Milk, well you can only pick out your milk when no one else is around. Say you walk over and want some two percent. You like your milk with some substance. It's a good thing. Just as you reach for it someone else goes for the skim. Then they shoot you a dirty look. You know, the one you would get if you just ran over a cat. But even if you want to eat healthy, you can't win. If you try to buy fruit, you'll run into the fruit expert. No it's not an employee of the store. But there's always this one person who feels it’s their mission in life to help you pick fruit. They will walk up to you with the attitude. "Hey uniformed fruit buyer. If it weren’t for me coming to help you. you might not get some amazing produce.” They may suggest that you should do things such as tapping or squeezing the truit. Don't try to buy oranges in winter. Apparently they are out of season. Thanks for that great bit The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby .. .. —J. —___ \ ever get a 1 \ break around here? y _ http://HcrbertFilby.com How to rock your socks Caitlin Lovey contributing writer Where to begin. Is it just me or do you just want to shout, “Hey, the 1970's called, they want their horrible fashion faux pas back," every time you see “that” person wearing tube socks'? I know I’ve used that line more than I would than I’d like to admit. What is it exactly that makes tube socks so horrible to look at anyway? Is it the length? Is it the obnoxious way they try to “cute” them up with a variety of colored stripes? Or is it the sick ways people try to pull them off? While all are annoying, the way peo ple think they can pull off tube socks is definite ly the worst. I can’t express how wrong it is to wear socks with sandals. Words just can’t explain the hor ror. Are you cold? Is that why you’re wearing Ben Raymond humor editor I guess this rs Irony. Ikfei J r\r r \ /V«N \ / * f ' !^sr — of advice. It turns out that some people can eat citrus fruits at any time of the year Putting that aside, suppose you want a carbonated beverage. I refuse to use either of the words "pop" or "soda." If I pick one ox er the other at least half of you will stop reading the article to strike up that marvel of a debate. There are so main different flavors of car bonated beverages it's hard to choose. The beverage companies have decided that one flavor is just not enough. Apparently sales are so low that they have decided to just make up flavors. So before you leave that aisle you hav e to grab a case of your favorite, super choco late, raspberry sprinkle, double energy, cinnamon apple carbonated beverage Oh, and this deserves a mention. The squeaky broken cart wheel But not the one that wobbles all the time. Just the one that makes it impossible to steer the cart at the worst possible times. Like when you want to turn the corner. It's like the Swuss Cake Roll pyramid has a magnet hidden in the middle -al socks? If so, don't wear sandals! Because I know for sure you're not doing it for the fashion aspect. This leads me back to tube socks in gen eral. Tube socks are just as wrong to wear with reg ular shoes as they are to wear with sandals. It's the 21 st century people. We have this crazy invention called ankle socks now. Use them. There is nothing more disturbing to me than to see a cute boy sit down in class only to find out he is wearing socks! I'm sure this goes for guys who have a good fashion sense too, seeing a pretty girl wearing “cute, a.k.a. tacky” tube socks. You may feel that I am being unreasonably harsh about something so small as tube socks, and probably have nothing else to do in my life but seriously, every campus needs a critic to point out fashion faux pas. iuivi o: T‘ r White bread will kill you. It’s the real silent killer. September 19, 2006 Mike Sharkey Ben Raymond Almost real news Ben Raymond humor editor Recently bags of spinach across the nation were recalled due to a threat of E.eoli poison ing. When asked for a comment. Popeye threatened to knock someone out with his oversized forearms. On Wednesday of this week Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, verbally attacked President Bush, calling him “the devil." dur Top Five of the week... As some of you may know, the Muslim community was in an uproar after Pope Benedict XVI delivered a quote from a 14th century emperor referring to the prophet Mohammed. An apology was issued, but in case that did not work I've compiled: The Top 5 Wavs For The Pope To Apologize 5. Hold their drinks at the next party 4. Give them his front row tickets to the Cardinals game 3. Offer to loan them his X-Box 360 2. Bake them a cake, bake Allah them a cake 1. Say "Psych” fsUl_;. J r ii A If you are looking through this puzzle and are having trouble finding the words, here is a hint. This is real life. In most cases, you will rarely, if ever, find the words listed. This is not a trick just reality. If you do look closely though, you will find the words Penn State and friends. Even if you do not have or cannot find any of the listed words you still have your friends here at Penn State. So forget about the rest for a few hours and watch Penn State take on Ohio State this Saturday. J Lb All you want to do is turn left into the frozen foods and the cart just savs no. The cart has other plans. You're going to steer the cart directly into that Swiss Cake Roll pyramid. knock half ('I it over and look like an idiot, liven if you try to stop it the cart lights back. After suffering that indignity, yam run into the free sample Na/.is. You've till seen them. They hide just around the corner so you can’t see them. But once \ou turn the cornet sou can't turn back. They've seen you. II you try to run they 'll just get insulted. If you make eve contact all hope is lost. They've got you locked in to try ing some new product that tastes more like the cardboard it was pack aged in than real food. If you try the food then they 'll just guilt you into having a whole box of whatever it is they 've created. The worst part ol the whole experience is cheeking out. When you gel back to the front of the store you crawl along the lines of regis ters. You're always in search of the best register to be at. But ol course, there is no such thing. You can take y our chances at what I like to call the 'slot machine of embarrassment.' These new self-checkout machines talk tv' you in order to make them seem more personable. Wait, why not just talk to a person. The worst part is that these machines announce what you're buying. Heaven help you it you want to buy anything personal, like a laxative or something worse. You had better make sure you have till your barcodes lined up. If the attendant for the checkouts has to come over, you can feel every one's eyes gravitate towards you. It's like "Hey jcrkface why don't vou learn how to use the machine like the rest of us." To avoid that just go with a good old-fashioned cashier. The teenager that judges you based on everything you pul on the convey er belt. You suddenly find yourself regretting things you bought that seemed like a good idea before. You finally make it out of the store get your lov'd in your car reach into your pocket for your key s, and I inti yum shopping list. After looking it over, you stop and realize you got absolutely nothing that you originally wanted. So you end up back where you started with ketchup anti crackers Brad Kovalcik contributing writer money left sock answers Friday. September. 22. 2006 mg a meeting of the I '.N. Bush responded by saying that lie was rubber and Chavez was Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett. who was arrested on aggravated rob bery and concealing a weapon, was cleared of all charges early Thursday morning. Just kid ding. And finally, on campus this week, a student was rushed to the emergency room after eat ing a Hot Pocket. They're terrible. MMk ■ warw .■■ ■■' V_ BANK remote nail clippers answers small OSU tan (they’ll never go together) O)NTKIIH'THI) PHOTO 1 0
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers