6 I The Behrend Beacon r T Chancellor missing, presumed elsewhere By Michelle Vera Surm iec Investigating Burke's office more carefully, a mixed photography editor tape was discovered. On a hunch, an officer played it ,„,, i ?1(., 1 ,, t i «tu backwards. When played backwards, the Vanilla Ice remixes made a distinctive noise. The singer kept Last Friday, Chancellor lack Burke was reported repeating what sounded like "Yiddish Cup. - missing. Police and Safety believe he may have been "A clue! A clue!" cried a dog named Blue. The fact kidnapped. though a motive has not vet been deter- that a talking dog showed up at the scene startled some mined. onlookers, until it was discovered that the owner, a man "We're doing everything we can, - said a represents- wearing a "Steve" nametag. was throwing his voice. five from Police and Safety as he continued to ticket Before he had time to expand on the clue, he was cars. "So what if I'm still ticketing? The money we promptly arrested by the fashion police. As he was raise goes hack to the students so clubs and organiza- being read his rights, he called out that he popped his tions will be able to request funding for a scavenger hunt collar "only once.'' and it was in the privacy of his own where the goal is to find Burke, or to eat cookies or home. something. - The officer then proceeded to enter cars. The talk about the "Yiddish Cup - turned into a debate knock down the parking passes, and then write more regarding whether or not the phrase was a Jewish racial tickets. slur. Since there was no mention of Nazis during the People all (r.rer the campus have been speculating discussion. Anne Frank, a creative writing major who is what could have happened to him. "I don't know if he's believed to he Jewish, refused to comment. The conver been kidnapped. but I'm really worried. He's been cation somehow turned into how Adrien Brody from spending an unhealthy itmount of time on LiveJoumal. The Pianist is super hot. until Schindler's List was men- Also, the first thing he'd make me do when I come to tinned. the office in the morning is to charge the batteries in his This led the investigation team to search for trivia on digital camera so he can take pictures of himself for the movie, including the list of names. Near the bottom. Myspace." said his secretary. right under Jar Jar links, was listed J. Burke. I heard he had mafia connections, - said James Hoffa. "1 thought he drove an SUV. You can't go eighty -06 POLITICAL SCIENCE. "Maybe he got buried in eight miles per hour in those gas hogs, - said Doctor the REDC. - Burke's public relations firm denies these Brown, the famed inventor of the flux-capacitor, "How claims and added that he is not pregnant, and heand did he figure out how many jigawatts?" Jessica Alba are not dating: they are just friends. While sonic don't believe Burke has been busy time " Maybe he found God," scoffed resident atheist Anita traveling, billions of orphans all over the world are hold- Faith, 01 DUS. ing candlelight vigils waiting for Burke's safe return. Jump through the 4 4. 1 hoop! // ". for ) 411111 1111 i 411111 W ir'L ...... .!Sacrs Bryce ' s Movie Guide: Spoiler Yourself By Bryce Sayers it was our fault for being so preju- cameo. "Starring Ben Afileck" staff writer diced. means there will be a Kevin Smith ha,fio 190 {Nu edu 6. If the movie promises "a surprise cameo. ending you won't believe," then 15. When a movie is made that 1. If the beginning of the movie is believe that everything will turn out combines two successful franchises, all about how happy the main char- to have all been in the main charac- it is mathematically proven that the acter is with his family, his family ter's head. awesomeness of the movie is will die. 7. If the bad guy was hidden at the inversely proportional to the total 2. If the movie is based on a video beginning, it will turn out to be who- awesomeness of the franchises. To game, no one will like it. If it was ever seemed to be most sincere illustrate: Alien + Predator = Big based on a book, only the people about helping the good guys. disappointment. who saw the movie first will like it. 8. If the good guys were friends at 16. If the movie is about a historical If it was based on a classic movie, it the beginning, they will tight, then tragedy or a disabled person, it will will be terrible. make up just in time to solve their sweep the awards. 3. If the monsters were not supemat- problem. 17. The last fight takes place at ural, they were made by an experi- 9. The original will always be better. night, almost always in rain. The ment done by either the government 10. The father of the main character Villain will either fall, get stabbed or or a corporation rivaling the govern- will get killed. explode. ment in power. No matter how ohvi- 11. Virgins don't die, at least not 18. In a whodunit, the "who" is ous it was that the experiment was until after they get sex. someone introduced just before the going to end human civilization, the 12. If there is a promise of a "strong mystery is revealed. scientists had the best intentions in female character," that means a 19. "Fun for the whole family" now mind when they started. chick who wears all black, cusses means Nickelodeon-esque goo 4. If the monsters are supernatural, the most, is always seen with a humor and a randomly selected are they will be defeated by the priest weapon and makes a sexual corn- mal. who had a crisis of faith at the begin- ment that you would expect a guy to 20. 'Romantic comedy' equals wing of the movie. Option two is the say. uptight conformist meets free spirit skeptic who has learned to believe in 13. If the trailers make much ado and through the "wacky" dating sce a higher power. about the soundtrack, expect that narios, uptight learns to have fun. 5. If the monster reads literature or soundtrack to be totally irrelevant to You can get the same effect from is discovered by a kid. the monster the movie and/or the movie's only watching an episode of Dharma and will turn out to be good. All the saving grace. Greg, which wastes only a fraction chaos and destruction it sowed was 14. "Created by Kevin Smith" of the time you would have spent the result of a misunderstanding, and means there will be a Ben Affleck seeing the movie. The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby BOOM! if A gAir SO° t 116.1 BOOM! , . • ...11 tp://HerbertFilby.com/comic.htm i ri.l[ D_ April 6, 2006 Mike Sharkey 110 count will el it Dance Dance Devastation By De'Adra Walker fashion columnist dim, 103(n Ni.edu The sound of a closing text book for one's final class on a Friday evening signals something sweet to most students—the start of the ever treasured weekend. This is a time for students to let loose and free themselves from the shackles of class lectures and weighty homework assignments and have a little bit of fun. Primarily, this weekend fun con sists of various social gatherings within friendly groups. maybe the different programs happening on campus, or maybe - just maybe some find joy in finishing those assigned projects given ear lier in the week. These are all inexpensive activities that don't require travel and are thus easily accessible for the broke and transportation less student. However, occasionally, through the magic of carpooling and the five dollar bill that sat forgotten in the back pocket of a pair of jeans, students may use their weekends to venture away from the confines of the college cam pus and down State Street toward Erie's jumping nightlife, which includes various bars. Now, while the bar scene is not for everyone, there is an alterna tive - dance clubs, a place to shake what you were given to top 40's tunes and to show off the moves you've picked up from the Monthly Love-Scope A es: Being the aggressive sign that , you are, you unnoticeably coerce your significant other into o:sliittg"dimier for 'Remember: What goes *wild; comes around...especially when you get food poisoning. Ski Ve You are the sign of begin- Mugs, start a new project—like taking your love shopping because, admit it, their wardrobe sucks! Compatible with: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini, and Aquarius Taurus: You will wake up in the morning to dad your girlfriend in bed with your roommate. After a heated debate, she will tell you of her secret love affair. You will then refer to your roommate as a slut and move out. This will make you an even more productive person, since your roommate made you a slacker. Love will eventually come k...but keep any new interests away from your old roommate. Compatible with: Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces Gemini: Communication is key for you! Don't get bogged down with that cell phone bill because you're in love with a set of Virgo twins at opposite ends of the country. Choose one already...unless you are a set of Gemini twins. If that's the case, you should "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to decide who gets to date who. After that, split the cell phone bill since you are both still on your parents' family plan. patible with: Libra, Aquarius, Mei,. Len Cancer: The moon is in your month, but don't howl at i6vben your over-protective and posses sive self sends your. Mot for the Wile. It's Yionder ful to have maternal instinct, but your boy doesnl need another momma at college. Also, you should nit discussing previous relationships; he doesn't care about the boys you've slept with so'much as he s the girls. Cc!opitible Sa)rigo, Pieces, Taurus, Virgo • t h e tants it . %birdie**. nee d to fled someone who ten definitely wear •Aquarius' Yen 14°1 Yet Win that Yon va * • believ about yourself , Why The peoiatifftecan ' everYdwag ran e bane*? ship'. r confidence and You c I tented has increase ( ' MI toyer y &so you g .unn.,,,eutnuteacH he! Thr....• smite, Immo? that your Kelm tktantthingras tell others how to • • You know you Per" am "poser " tendencies. *" aminitei" prier* atettiMlatuutattiP• but it ' s t that IJIn f 0 r you. b e starts to ... splay the game , " it's"oic to bo sweet Rex „, • an d law, you can .somosiiin a bie with Ariet4snottldies., ,e.,enuid, sa I. caelieonotibive mee wi,thhzeubrawittbeoe , minifasematet, sasitikuarhwaixoAri: your jar on your desk, Abe' • molt lime,* au IgulosePhY hair while He wdl ar,Putehtte obangethoutittieet and t o him...once in a - . ;bid Virgo: You have a tendency to run and hide when • !aim:dips get tough. Tbat's 0K...mil you get Inst in the Winteggreen GmV ) after .4 :hwh If Yen do Pisces: You have the ability to 4 yourself In • tt net resPnnd wears calls out to you, you should an, 00141311er you are pouted into. Watch oat when your milinuy skills to mate a shelter retool =poem! into leek Daniels the daytime. — ou wilinet , bottle due 7 , tquPrt of solf-tespeet end lam,.lt' 01. and you will turn int° • leninkeing hi** , Coll oneh *Whit* : kidB will throw rocks at far " ege ' )1* 1441 ' • 0 3111 hnilet all about , Yelwo and , to get airfat* that en*WrIPMO bst week. Keep " - eenlle , Yon Wilt 40nilin *E kneitt n! • the rope • • eye int "0. thiiihije swint at ibe,entinitiiinite * Y"t• ( thlnk AIND cetsalble ivith: 0411640, caikee 4 sixi tr #, • ' = -1111 k latest Lindsay Lohan music When approaching the club scene, Lindsay's moves are not the only thing that will get you through this night of dancing. One must also come equipped with the knowledge of who else will be breaking into hardcore moves under that disco ball. Thus, provided is the ultimate guide—these are the individuals you will share the dance floor with. - The "old guy"—Ladies, this is the gentleman who is old enough to be your father and who quite possi bly plays golf with him on the weekends. He will be easily iden tified by his attire—part MC Hammer, part Miami Vice. And watch the glare of his twenty pound fake gold chain. That plus the disco ball can easily equal partial blindness. He will most likely be lurking along the sides of the dance floor, not dancing but swaying to some imaginary beat with the occa sional two-step behind the actual beat of whatever song is playing. He won't speak but simply nod in the direction of whatever pretty girl catches his eye first and offer her an allegedly sexy squint in sad attempts to lure her to him. - The kid who thinks he can dance—This is the guy in the mid dle of the dance floor who did not borrow his moves from Lindsay Lohan. He pulls from classics. If Milli Vanilli, the New Kids on the By Meghan Widtesel professional Tarot Card reader P ra: It's OK that you're still sin e. est remem ber that when you play with an Aries, you could get burned, and if you swim with a Pisces, you could drown. You're quite content with your desire to conduct a secret love affair with your roommate's girihiend or her best friend (hence the Aries and the Pisces). Choose well or hope for both at the same time. Good things come to those who try. Compatible with: Gemini, Aquarius, Leo, Sagittarius Scorpio: You will finally get your chance to play the hem when you rescue a ditty blonde from the grasps of intelligence. While everyone finds her to be useless, you will try to transform her into • walking, talking piece of woman with a;Mind. You will instruct her in the ways of common sense. all else fails, she will have great skills in some areas that you can benefit from. Good luck. Compatible with: Cancer; Pisces, Virgo, Capricorn Sagittarius: Everyone comes to you for love advice and they have reaped the benefits. Unfortunately for you you wouldn't be able to ii fl love if it smacked you in the face with a copy Mstatle's Poetics. Use your head for rmse once, and ask that cute Aquarius out on a date! What's the worst that could happen? She's per fect—or at least she thinks she is. ' Compatible with: Leo. Aries, Vim), &pada Capricorn: While you present a teigh attitude, all you do is front. In fact, all you are is a poser. You mly on yam:l.o for moral support and do tyltatev er she asks. "tea "a Pisces comes 'and ash, for advice, you will instruct her to "play the gams," NEWS FLASH: As much as you'd hate to admit it, you're the ghill! Your manhood's on.her desk, and you like the rare OCCaSiOil that she hakes for you. Poser. autPeulawilit; vnigovmanis,scorso,Pisys Friday, April 14, 2006 Block and Vanilla Ice had a love child, this would be him. Though his overly baggy pants may add to the clumsiness of his swagger, this guy is still cool enough to shoot some sweet words in the direction of attractive ladies. This guy is mostly harmless; however, if he proceeds to grab his right ankle and jump around on one toot while jerking that ankle back, back away slowly. Seriously- just back away. - The angry mob of women-- These are the ladies who pile in in packs of live to seven. Think a mob of pit bulls in stilettos. These ladies will be Glassily clad in micro mini skirts and shreds of cloth for tops with cellular phones surgically attached to the side of their faces. These ladies do not come to the clubs to dance, they are on a mis sion, on a hunt for whichever not classy young lady sneezed in the direction of the leader of the pack's boyfriend. The mob is more dan gerous once they split than in the larger group. Individually, they are able to cover more ground and attack with much more precision. Such fatal attacks are characterized by serpent-like movements of the attacker's neck, snapping of fin gers, and primarily the call "Oh no she did not!" right before the strike is made. So now that you know what awaits, why not strap on those dancing shoes? The clubs are calling. As are those fine individ uals mentioned above.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers