6 I The Behrend Beacon
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Chancellor missing, presumed elsewhere
By Michelle Vera Surm iec Investigating Burke's office more carefully, a mixed
photography editor tape was discovered. On a hunch, an officer played it
,„,, i ?1(., 1 ,, t i «tu backwards. When played backwards, the Vanilla Ice
remixes made a distinctive noise. The singer kept
Last Friday, Chancellor lack Burke was reported repeating what sounded like "Yiddish Cup. -
missing. Police and Safety believe he may have been "A clue! A clue!" cried a dog named Blue. The fact
kidnapped. though a motive has not vet been deter- that a talking dog showed up at the scene startled some
mined. onlookers, until it was discovered that the owner, a man
"We're doing everything we can, - said a represents- wearing a "Steve" nametag. was throwing his voice.
five from Police and Safety as he continued to ticket Before he had time to expand on the clue, he was
cars. "So what if I'm still ticketing? The money we promptly arrested by the fashion police. As he was
raise goes hack to the students so clubs and organiza- being read his rights, he called out that he popped his
tions will be able to request funding for a scavenger hunt collar "only once.'' and it was in the privacy of his own
where the goal is to find Burke, or to eat cookies or home.
something. - The officer then proceeded to enter cars. The talk about the "Yiddish Cup - turned into a debate
knock down the parking passes, and then write more regarding whether or not the phrase was a Jewish racial
tickets. slur. Since there was no mention of Nazis during the
People all (r.rer the campus have been speculating discussion. Anne Frank, a creative writing major who is
what could have happened to him. "I don't know if he's believed to he Jewish, refused to comment. The conver
been kidnapped. but I'm really worried. He's been cation somehow turned into how Adrien Brody from
spending an unhealthy itmount of time on LiveJoumal. The Pianist is super hot. until Schindler's List was men-
Also, the first thing he'd make me do when I come to tinned.
the office in the morning is to charge the batteries in his This led the investigation team to search for trivia on
digital camera so he can take pictures of himself for the movie, including the list of names. Near the bottom.
Myspace." said his secretary. right under Jar Jar links, was listed J. Burke.
I heard he had mafia connections, - said James Hoffa. "1 thought he drove an SUV. You can't go eighty
-06 POLITICAL SCIENCE. "Maybe he got buried in eight miles per hour in those gas hogs, - said Doctor
the REDC. - Burke's public relations firm denies these Brown, the famed inventor of the flux-capacitor, "How
claims and added that he is not pregnant, and heand did he figure out how many jigawatts?"
Jessica Alba are not dating: they are just friends. While sonic don't believe Burke has been busy time
" Maybe he found God," scoffed resident atheist Anita traveling, billions of orphans all over the world are hold-
Faith, 01 DUS. ing candlelight vigils waiting for Burke's safe return.
Jump
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Bryce ' s Movie Guide: Spoiler Yourself
By Bryce Sayers it was our fault for being so preju- cameo. "Starring Ben Afileck"
staff writer diced. means there will be a Kevin Smith
ha,fio 190 {Nu edu 6. If the movie promises "a surprise cameo.
ending you won't believe," then 15. When a movie is made that
1. If the beginning of the movie is believe that everything will turn out combines two successful franchises,
all about how happy the main char- to have all been in the main charac- it is mathematically proven that the
acter is with his family, his family ter's head. awesomeness of the movie is
will die. 7. If the bad guy was hidden at the inversely proportional to the total
2. If the movie is based on a video beginning, it will turn out to be who- awesomeness of the franchises. To
game, no one will like it. If it was ever seemed to be most sincere illustrate: Alien + Predator = Big
based on a book, only the people about helping the good guys. disappointment.
who saw the movie first will like it. 8. If the good guys were friends at 16. If the movie is about a historical
If it was based on a classic movie, it the beginning, they will tight, then tragedy or a disabled person, it will
will be terrible. make up just in time to solve their sweep the awards.
3. If the monsters were not supemat- problem. 17. The last fight takes place at
ural, they were made by an experi- 9. The original will always be better. night, almost always in rain. The
ment done by either the government 10. The father of the main character Villain will either fall, get stabbed or
or a corporation rivaling the govern- will get killed. explode.
ment in power. No matter how ohvi- 11. Virgins don't die, at least not 18. In a whodunit, the "who" is
ous it was that the experiment was until after they get sex. someone introduced just before the
going to end human civilization, the 12. If there is a promise of a "strong mystery is revealed.
scientists had the best intentions in female character," that means a 19. "Fun for the whole family" now
mind when they started. chick who wears all black, cusses means Nickelodeon-esque goo
4. If the monsters are supernatural, the most, is always seen with a humor and a randomly selected are
they will be defeated by the priest weapon and makes a sexual corn- mal.
who had a crisis of faith at the begin- ment that you would expect a guy to 20. 'Romantic comedy' equals
wing of the movie. Option two is the say. uptight conformist meets free spirit
skeptic who has learned to believe in 13. If the trailers make much ado and through the "wacky" dating sce
a higher power. about the soundtrack, expect that narios, uptight learns to have fun.
5. If the monster reads literature or soundtrack to be totally irrelevant to You can get the same effect from
is discovered by a kid. the monster the movie and/or the movie's only watching an episode of Dharma and
will turn out to be good. All the saving grace. Greg, which wastes only a fraction
chaos and destruction it sowed was 14. "Created by Kevin Smith" of the time you would have spent
the result of a misunderstanding, and means there will be a Ben Affleck seeing the movie.
The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby
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tp://HerbertFilby.com/comic.htm
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April 6, 2006
Mike Sharkey
110 count will el it
Dance Dance Devastation
By De'Adra Walker
fashion columnist
dim, 103(n Ni.edu
The sound of a closing text
book for one's final class on a
Friday evening signals something
sweet to most students—the start
of the ever treasured weekend.
This is a time for students to let
loose and free themselves from
the shackles of class lectures and
weighty homework assignments
and have a little bit of fun.
Primarily, this weekend fun con
sists of various social gatherings
within friendly groups. maybe
the different programs happening
on campus, or maybe - just
maybe some find joy in finishing
those assigned projects given ear
lier in the week. These are all
inexpensive activities that don't
require travel and are thus easily
accessible for the broke and
transportation less student.
However, occasionally, through
the magic of carpooling and the
five dollar bill that sat forgotten
in the back pocket of a pair of
jeans, students may use their
weekends to venture away from
the confines of the college cam
pus and down State Street
toward Erie's jumping nightlife,
which includes various bars.
Now, while the bar scene is not
for everyone, there is an alterna
tive - dance clubs, a place to
shake what you were given to top
40's tunes and to show off the
moves you've picked up from the
Monthly Love-Scope
A es: Being the aggressive sign that , you are, you
unnoticeably coerce your significant other into
o:sliittg"dimier for 'Remember: What goes
*wild; comes around...especially when you get
food poisoning. Ski Ve You are the sign of begin-
Mugs, start a new project—like taking your love
shopping because, admit it, their wardrobe sucks!
Compatible with: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini, and Aquarius
Taurus: You will wake up in the morning to dad
your girlfriend in bed with your roommate. After a
heated debate, she will tell you of her secret love
affair. You will then refer to your roommate as a
slut and move out. This will make you an even
more productive person, since your roommate
made you a slacker. Love will eventually come
k...but keep any new interests away from your
old roommate.
Compatible with: Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces
Gemini: Communication is key for you! Don't get
bogged down with that cell phone bill because
you're in love with a set of Virgo twins at opposite
ends of the country. Choose one already...unless
you are a set of Gemini twins. If that's the case, you
should "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to decide who gets
to date who. After that, split the cell phone bill
since you are both still on your parents' family plan.
patible with: Libra, Aquarius, Mei,. Len
Cancer: The moon is in your month, but don't
howl at i6vben your over-protective and posses
sive self sends your. Mot for the Wile. It's Yionder
ful to have maternal instinct, but your boy doesnl
need another momma at college. Also, you should
nit discussing previous relationships; he doesn't
care about the boys you've slept with so'much as he
s the girls.
Cc!opitible Sa)rigo, Pieces, Taurus, Virgo
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latest Lindsay Lohan music
When approaching the club
scene, Lindsay's moves are not
the only thing that will get you
through this night of dancing.
One must also come equipped
with the knowledge of who else
will be breaking into hardcore
moves under that disco ball.
Thus, provided is the ultimate
guide—these are the individuals
you will share the dance floor
with.
- The "old guy"—Ladies, this is
the gentleman who is old enough to
be your father and who quite possi
bly plays golf with him on the
weekends. He will be easily iden
tified by his attire—part MC
Hammer, part Miami Vice. And
watch the glare of his twenty pound
fake gold chain. That plus the
disco ball can easily equal partial
blindness. He will most likely be
lurking along the sides of the dance
floor, not dancing but swaying to
some imaginary beat with the occa
sional two-step behind the actual
beat of whatever song is playing.
He won't speak but simply nod in
the direction of whatever pretty girl
catches his eye first and offer her an
allegedly sexy squint in sad
attempts to lure her to him.
- The kid who thinks he can
dance—This is the guy in the mid
dle of the dance floor who did not
borrow his moves from Lindsay
Lohan. He pulls from classics. If
Milli Vanilli, the New Kids on the
By Meghan Widtesel
professional Tarot Card reader
P ra: It's OK that you're still sin e. est remem
ber that when you play with an Aries, you could get
burned, and if you swim with a Pisces, you could
drown. You're quite content with your desire to
conduct a secret love affair with your roommate's
girihiend or her best friend (hence the Aries and the
Pisces). Choose well or hope for both at the same
time. Good things come to those who try.
Compatible with: Gemini, Aquarius, Leo, Sagittarius
Scorpio: You will finally get your chance to play
the hem when you rescue a ditty blonde from the
grasps of intelligence. While everyone finds her to
be useless, you will try to transform her into •
walking, talking piece of woman with a;Mind. You
will instruct her in the ways of common sense.
all else fails, she will have great skills in some areas
that you can benefit from. Good luck.
Compatible with: Cancer; Pisces, Virgo, Capricorn
Sagittarius: Everyone comes to you for love
advice and they have reaped the benefits.
Unfortunately for you you wouldn't be able to ii fl
love if it smacked you in the face with a copy
Mstatle's Poetics. Use your head for rmse
once, and ask that cute Aquarius out on a date!
What's the worst that could happen? She's per
fect—or at least she thinks she is. '
Compatible with: Leo. Aries, Vim), &pada
Capricorn: While you present a teigh attitude, all
you do is front. In fact, all you are is a poser. You
mly on yam:l.o for moral support and do tyltatev
er she asks. "tea "a Pisces comes 'and ash, for
advice, you will instruct her to "play the gams,"
NEWS FLASH: As much as you'd hate to admit it,
you're the ghill! Your manhood's on.her desk, and
you like the rare OCCaSiOil that she hakes for you.
Poser.
autPeulawilit; vnigovmanis,scorso,Pisys
Friday, April 14, 2006
Block and Vanilla Ice had a love
child, this would be him. Though
his overly baggy pants may add to
the clumsiness of his swagger, this
guy is still cool enough to shoot
some sweet words in the direction
of attractive ladies. This guy is
mostly harmless; however, if he
proceeds to grab his right ankle and
jump around on one toot while
jerking that ankle back, back away
slowly. Seriously- just back away.
- The angry mob of women--
These are the ladies who pile in in
packs of live to seven. Think a
mob of pit bulls in stilettos. These
ladies will be Glassily clad in micro
mini skirts and shreds of cloth for
tops with cellular phones surgically
attached to the side of their faces.
These ladies do not come to the
clubs to dance, they are on a mis
sion, on a hunt for whichever not
classy young lady sneezed in the
direction of the leader of the pack's
boyfriend. The mob is more dan
gerous once they split than in the
larger group. Individually, they are
able to cover more ground and
attack with much more precision.
Such fatal attacks are characterized
by serpent-like movements of the
attacker's neck, snapping of fin
gers, and primarily the call "Oh no
she did not!" right before the strike
is made.
So now that you know what
awaits, why not strap on those
dancing shoes? The clubs are
calling. As are those fine individ
uals mentioned above.