The Behrend beacon., April 29, 2005, Image 6

I The Behrend Beacon
ILTM OR
In Harrisburg the humor page writers discovered that The Bureaucrat’s vile time-travel scheme streched all the way
to the state capitol, and that Govenor Ed Rendell had converted the capitol building into a puppy slaughter house. The writ
ers were too late to stop him from lowering a puppy into the pit of lava, but were able to use three cases of beer to bribe the
Pennsylvainia State Legislature into allowing them to make off with the first amendment, which just so happened to pass by
on its Hying carpet. The First Amendment thanked the three from saving it from the evil Bureau of Censorship with books of
swear word and pornography.
The writers. Deacon, and the First Amendment knew that
Bureaucrat was still Car 100 powerful for them to
5l assault. “By cutting him off from his source of power - the
E manatees - he will begin to weaken." said Viz. “If we’re
lucky, if we fire the First Amendment from a slingshot and
hit him where his wallet is. his most vulnerable spot, then
we might be able to cast him into the void of time. He
** would be in limbo outside of the space-time continuum.”
Explained Dan. “Limbo? I love limbo," said Jerry. “We
n’t mean the fun kind of limbo, 1 mean dead pulsars.”
replied Viz. Then the band of stalwart heroes, conducted an
assault on The Bureaucrat’s manatee farm. Chaos ensued,
manatees were akimbo. As our heroes were about to free the
last manatee, The Bureaucrat mounted it and flew off into
the night. “He’s getting away!” said Jerry. “Way to point
out the obvious, dork,” replied Viz. Dan, expending the last
of his psychic powers, said, “I know where he’s going; the
April 8 issue. So the doom of our time is to be decided on
the lawn of the Reed Union Building. Onward!”
The pcontc w h
k* y |
After napaiming the manatee farm, the band of heroes followed The
Bureaucrat to the April 8 issue. The final battle between good and evil was
held among the chaos of the epic conflict between the Star Wars/Gamers Club
Alliance and the Behrend Star Trek Society. Both the Star Trek and Star Wars
nerds obliterated each other, much to The Bureaucrat’s delight. The heroes
then prepared their ultimate weapon, they loaded the First Amendment into a
giant sling shot and as they fired at The Bureaucrat. The First Amendment
made a direct hit to The Bureaucrat’s wallet thus destroying his last source of
power. After the dust settled, they found that Dan, tljg gay^,assistant ngWiS
editor was gripping the slingshot when it was fired, propelling him, The
Bureaucrat and the giant slingshot into the space-time vortex. They will spend
eternity locked in an epic battle. Jerry attempted to pull Dan from the vortex,
but Viz pulled him away, saying, “It’s too late for him, he would have wanted
it that way. While he battles The Bureaucrat, the world is safe from that kind.”
Jerry then said, “Then it’s up to us to make sure the humor page lives on.”
They spent the next eight decades working on and continuing to defend the
humor page. When they retired Viz opened up a Photoshop dojo in Tibet and
trained thousands of students in the ways of Photoshop. Due to the changes in
the space-time continuum Jerry moved into a beach shack with Bigfoot and
accosted passers-by.
Friday, April 29, 2005