Friday, April 29, 2005 It was a dark day at Behrend. The humor page was taken before its time by The Bureaucrat, Dark Lord of Middle Management. The Bureaucrat enslaved engineering students and forced them to build a time machine. The Bureaucrat used the time machine to travel to the past and stop the humor page from existing, however this caused a rift in the space-time continuum that only the humor page writers could remedy. The three valiant humor page writers consulted Moses. "Bold you are to face the Dark Lord, powerful he is." Dan, the dashing humor page editor replied, “He has a time machine, there s no way we can tell what point in time he may have escaped to.” To this, Moses responded, “Have the power of fore sight do you. Use the force. And at the moment the heavens parted and Dan became a swarni. In using his newfound powers he consulted the Beacon horoscope archive and found that The Bureaucrat had traveled to Bruno's just minutes before the first epic battle between the Gamers Club and the Star Trek Society. The three writers found that issue of the Beacon anil through the aid of Moses, created a portal that allowed them to dive into any issue. They arrived in the kitchen of Bruno's just as Salad l ingers made the last preparations for a post-speech reception. The three writers traveled to the February 25 issue to enlist the help of Deacon the Beacon. Deacon was ready, willing and able to make sure The Bureaucrat was punished for his evil doing. Upon seeing Jerry, Deacon ran to hug him saying, “Deacon love you!” Deacon’s heart grew three sizes that day, thus preparing him for the quest for the First Amendment. Unfortunately for the three writers, The Bureaucrat was doing some recruiting of his own. The Bureaucrat first sought the aid of the E.C Wigger who despite The Bureaucrat’s best efforts, had to go to “Cash the welfare check and get some threads at ‘da Fat Farm Flannel and Puffy Johns sale at Wal-Dizzle ” The Bureaucrat then used his necromantic powers to raise the ghost of Bruno, which he unleashed upon Bruno’s. Viz was able to contact his alternate self from the January 28 issue and warned him of the comine incarnation of Bruno, and aided him in preparing to vanquish the ghost. The three then prepared to make a trip to Harrisburg to find the First Amendment 6 T r TUMOR The people who count will eel ii The humor page writers followed The Bureaucrat to the Reed balcony, but it was too late, the Gamers Club, with The Bureaucrat’s aid, triumphed over the (he Star Trek Society. “Don’t you realize what happened?” said Viz. the Photoshop ninja. “The Gamers’ victory could create a chain of events that, if left unchecked could seriously alter the course of history.” With that in id, the three returned to the present to find that The Bureaucrat used the Gamers Club’s victory to bolster the ranks of Behrend’s resident cult, the IVMF. It became evident that the IVMF had converted the entire campus to worshipping woodland creatures. “Great Scott,” said Viz, “We need to go back. This is more than we can handle. We need to get the First Amendment.” Jerry, humor page waterboy then said, “There’s only one enti ty that can help us find the First Amendment; and that’s Deacon!.” And so the three were off again, this time to add to their ranks. 5 I The Behrend Beacon
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers