I The Behrend Beacon Sting busts University Manatee Bar-B-Que By Cubby Scoops World Class Journalist The nation continues to mourn as the manatee death toll climbs. Additional details concerning the bust of what has been termed a “Manatee Bar-B-Que” at the Penn State Behrend campus are being unearthed by investigators. Following the Tuesday evening raid by federal officials, the remains of at least 250 manatees have been discovered in a remote facility located on the grounds of the small Northwestern Pennsylvania college. Initial findings suggest that the site was used for both the slaughtering and consumption of the manatees and is likely only one cell in a larger network of university manatee abuse. Signs of the tragedy first began to appear during the week of March 20 when Behrend students reported sight ings of a manatee being cared for by marine life handlers in the Junker Pool during off hours. When questioned at that time in regards to where the manatee originat ed, University spokespeople responded “From the ocean, sucker!” Several days later a classified press release that required the signing of a non-disclosure form upon delivery was issued to the Behrend Beacon and other campus organizations explaining that the Behrend campus was in the midst of establishing the Ceatation Study pro gram. The release went on to explain that the Ceatation facilities would be dedicated to former Behrend professor Dr. Zissou and that the larger strategic justification of the Ceatation Center was to ensure that Behrend can remain competitive with Mercyhurst in light of that university’s recent addition of a Homeland Security Training Center to its facilities. Subsequent investigation of universi ty financial records indicated that near ly 350 million dollars was allocated to the construction of the Zissou Manatee Preserve. This is troubling in that exhaustive research has proven that although a recent motion picture included the name Zissou in it’s title, Penn State has never employed a Professor Zissou. Even more troubling to investigators was that the Zissou Manatee Preserve, upon inspection of the construction site, included Bar-B- Que pits and appeared to be suspicious ARIES- Your lovely mother realizes that her husband of over 20 years no longer fits the bill as either her lover ur financial support. She has falltai for a dashing younger man who sent her a Valentine on a whim. It will be quite awkward when you find that this stal wart rogue is a close friend of yours. Don't create an embarrassing scene, as this innocent flirtation will turn to true , love, marriage ami eventually three VBQ- It you ptey your cards right, you twa? wattled was for you to love him; half brothers. You don’t have to call can be the next ” - why did you have to pash Mm away? him ‘dad,’ you will address him as VIRGO-You. week you will ‘sir’ and be home by 11, but out until branch campus and , completely run out of material for the at least 10. Don’t stress over this, for university that is both of your college newspaper now, try to catch some ‘ZV reputable. You ' back horoscopes in an TAURUS- You will spend the first six ward to professors weeks of your summer trying to find a degrees and ob aside from your usual summer job mate to female ratio. leaning the fryers at your local LIBRA- You will mao’s Greasy Spoon " ‘ * hot breath of* hair on ly “luau themed”. A careful head count was kept by stu dent investigators as additional mana tees began to appear in the Junker pool. The Behrend manatee population var ied so greatly over the course of a brief analysis that tracking the nine million dollar manatee transport tractor trailer to the source of the manatees was war ranted. After several days of surveil lance, the manatee transport was traced back to a remote cove on Lake Erie. Just off shore, a Nicaraguan freighter, bearing Penn State markings, was spot ted unloading manatees into an aquatic storage pen. As investigators left the scene, they noticed a lone manatee sailing into the sunset. Upon inspection with a telepho to lens it became apparent that the man atee was being ridden by a lone individ ual and that it was in fact heading for a carefully concealed inlet. Under the cover of darkness the manatee rider was tailed through the waters of Baker Creek until reaching the Zissou Preserve construction site. Having reached the Preserve, the sea cow jock ey dismounted his steed and proceeded not to preserve it, but rather kill and consume the manatee. Although in a state of partial comple tion, the site was being used, not as a place of higher learning or conserva tion, but rather as a demented aquatic slaughter house and a gathering space for hundreds of partying university administrators from across the country. Structures composed of manatee bones and hides encircled the area while a professional butcher chopped away at manatees, whom, still alive, shrieked in horrific pain. Over two dozen manatees roasted on spits over open coals within the borders of the preserve as adminis trators from near and far salivated at the odor of burning manatee hair. Investigators immediately alerted Federal Ceatation authorities whom raided the preserve the following evening. ,Thirty seven adlUlUnßratOrs were killed in the raid and tfS Tttany as 150 have been reported injured. Current speculation indicates that the Zissou Preserve was to function as a major distribution cell in a larger man atee trade network. Penn State spokespeople later indi cated that an additional function of the preserve is to provide a steady supply of manatee to university administrators because “administrators require a daily Beacon Horoscopes < r Yt' J i - '■ the once and future Kiag oTScodttld s' V ”' v /'V / ■. * to keep and the reason you wereput on your son who's at college even though this God-forsaken rock and do what he writes you twice a day. despite hav y««K| waast so ft® to work three grueling and degrad- CANCER- stars to pay off your gambling tomorrow ytmshill bweymmi«k& ? selling Ms teeth to buy (as you’re making your preparations $. ftadjiyotjr wedding ring front the pawn remember, wlm destroyed yowcafcer, shop, !* can’t afford dentures and has caused your spouse and children to to mash up his weekly bag of Sam’s leave you and left you naked on M street). -• siM) with his shoe. All he lUMOR r r ~hc nronle w ho conn! will vet ii Above : Hired professional butchers prepare manatee tlesh for consumption by administartors. Below: The mysterious ‘Sea-Cowboy’ sails into the sunet before slaugtering and consuming his aqua-steed. helping of manatee flesh to maintain their presence on this plane of existence and appease the Morningstar.” Investigators speculate that the Behrend campus was chosen as the pre serve site due to recent zoning ordi nance loop holes created by the com monwealth campus restructuring. University spokespersons insist that there are no University regulations pro hibiting the slaughter and consumption of manatees and were unable to com prehend that their own policies are not above federal law. • * * * t)n this*4ay In * * * • l Behrend History • • On this day in Behrend history in* *the year of our lord 1998 the first* •woman was admitted to campus.* "Although only accepted as a proba-* •tional student for a two week trial* the inclusion of this first "stu-* •dent-ess” caused riots to break out in* Harborcreek, and the Bronx. To* •this day, few women choose to attend* JPenn State Behrend. . a battery back-up it . you will be late fo M you leave don’ ' be laying it when ii Wanted: Erotic Page Editor The Beacon will be adding an adult themed ‘Erotica Page’ for the Fall 2005 semester. An erotic page editor meeting the following criteria is cur rently being sought. Do you: Search for pornography daily? Drunk Drinking Dangers By Vera Michiru and Jerry Pohl Contributing Writers The average age at which Americans start drinking is around 16 years old. More than two out of every five col lege students turns out to be binge drinkers. These staggering statistics paint a dismal picture of our future. Behrend has a serious underage drink ing problem. In 2003, there were 6 liquor violations. Obviously underage drinking is in trouble. Something must be done to show underage kids the fun side of drinking. To take efforts to this effect, the Beacon is publishing the rules to a few drinking games that you can play in your RA’s room. Inebriation: Each player attempts to spell inebriation. For each attempt, the player takes a shot. If they get it right, they get a double. If they get it wrong, they get a triple. This game is great because it’s edu cational. Spelling is a fundamental skill for all classes. This game is also a favorite among English majors and dif ferent words can be substituted for ine briation, such as ‘intoxication,’ ‘hallu- Friday, April 15, 2005 Have m extensive collection of toys? Work best when being whipped? Ef\joy working long hard hours? Write while bent over a table wearing ashortskirt? If so send your resume and photo spread to jhpls3@psu;edu B~cup or less need not apply cination,’ and ‘vomit.’ Haze Haze Haze: Players drink vodka while being tied up, blindfolded, and forced to do ungodly things to a four-legged creature named Bessie. Note: Haze Haze Haze is an enter taining and socially rewarding game not to be confused with hazing, which is illegal and not encouraged by any means. This game is a great way of bonding with your friends. Studies show that shared suffering creates friends for life. This is because people will always want to be friends with the people who have copies of the pictures of them doing something that would ruin their career. Peer Pressure: The rules are simple. Keep drinking unless you want to be a loser/outcast/freak/nerd/geek for the rest of your life. This game is great because it’s so basic; it’s actually the underlying theme of all drinking games. This game is high stakes, lose once and it could take you a whole semester to regain any dignity at all. But when it comes to drinking games and dignity, you lose in one area as much as you gain in another.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers