I The Behrend Beacon
Sting busts University
Manatee Bar-B-Que
By Cubby Scoops
World Class Journalist
The nation continues to mourn as the
manatee death toll climbs. Additional
details concerning the bust of what has
been termed a “Manatee Bar-B-Que” at
the Penn State Behrend campus are
being unearthed by investigators.
Following the Tuesday evening raid by
federal officials, the remains of at least
250 manatees have been discovered in
a remote facility located on the grounds
of the small Northwestern
Pennsylvania college.
Initial findings suggest that the site
was used for both the slaughtering and
consumption of the manatees and is
likely only one cell in a larger network
of university manatee abuse.
Signs of the tragedy first began to
appear during the week of March 20
when Behrend students reported sight
ings of a manatee being cared for by
marine life handlers in the Junker Pool
during off hours.
When questioned at that time in
regards to where the manatee originat
ed, University spokespeople responded
“From the ocean, sucker!”
Several days later a classified press
release that required the signing of a
non-disclosure form upon delivery was
issued to the Behrend Beacon and other
campus organizations explaining that
the Behrend campus was in the midst of
establishing the Ceatation Study pro
gram. The release went on to explain
that the Ceatation facilities would be
dedicated to former Behrend professor
Dr. Zissou and that the larger strategic
justification of the Ceatation Center
was to ensure that Behrend can remain
competitive with Mercyhurst in light of
that university’s recent addition of a
Homeland Security Training Center to
its facilities.
Subsequent investigation of universi
ty financial records indicated that near
ly 350 million dollars was allocated to
the construction of the Zissou Manatee
Preserve. This is troubling in that
exhaustive research has proven that
although a recent motion picture
included the name Zissou in it’s title,
Penn State has never employed a
Professor Zissou. Even more troubling
to investigators was that the Zissou
Manatee Preserve, upon inspection of
the construction site, included Bar-B-
Que pits and appeared to be suspicious
ARIES- Your lovely mother realizes
that her husband of over 20 years no
longer fits the bill as either her lover ur
financial support. She has falltai for a
dashing younger man who sent her a
Valentine on a whim. It will be quite
awkward when you find that this stal
wart rogue is a close friend of yours.
Don't create an embarrassing scene, as
this innocent flirtation will turn to true
,
love, marriage ami eventually three VBQ- It you ptey your cards right, you twa? wattled was for you to love him;
half brothers. You don’t have to call can be the next ” - why did you have to pash Mm away?
him ‘dad,’ you will address him as VIRGO-You. week you will
‘sir’ and be home by 11, but out until branch campus and , completely run out of material for the
at least 10. Don’t stress over this, for university that is both of your college newspaper
now, try to catch some ‘ZV reputable. You ' back horoscopes in an
TAURUS- You will spend the first six ward to professors
weeks of your summer trying to find a degrees and
ob aside from your usual summer job mate to female ratio.
leaning the fryers at your local LIBRA- You will
mao’s Greasy Spoon " ‘
* hot breath of*
hair on
ly “luau themed”.
A careful head count was kept by stu
dent investigators as additional mana
tees began to appear in the Junker pool.
The Behrend manatee population var
ied so greatly over the course of a brief
analysis that tracking the nine million
dollar manatee transport tractor trailer
to the source of the manatees was war
ranted. After several days of surveil
lance, the manatee transport was traced
back to a remote cove on Lake Erie.
Just off shore, a Nicaraguan freighter,
bearing Penn State markings, was spot
ted unloading manatees into an aquatic
storage pen.
As investigators left the scene, they
noticed a lone manatee sailing into the
sunset. Upon inspection with a telepho
to lens it became apparent that the man
atee was being ridden by a lone individ
ual and that it was in fact heading for a
carefully concealed inlet. Under the
cover of darkness the manatee rider
was tailed through the waters of Baker
Creek until reaching the Zissou
Preserve construction site. Having
reached the Preserve, the sea cow jock
ey dismounted his steed and proceeded
not to preserve it, but rather kill and
consume the manatee.
Although in a state of partial comple
tion, the site was being used, not as a
place of higher learning or conserva
tion, but rather as a demented aquatic
slaughter house and a gathering space
for hundreds of partying university
administrators from across the country.
Structures composed of manatee bones
and hides encircled the area while a
professional butcher chopped away at
manatees, whom, still alive, shrieked in
horrific pain. Over two dozen manatees
roasted on spits over open coals within
the borders of the preserve as adminis
trators from near and far salivated at the
odor of burning manatee hair.
Investigators immediately alerted
Federal Ceatation authorities whom
raided the preserve the following
evening. ,Thirty seven adlUlUnßratOrs
were killed in the raid and tfS Tttany as
150 have been reported injured.
Current speculation indicates that the
Zissou Preserve was to function as a
major distribution cell in a larger man
atee trade network.
Penn State spokespeople later indi
cated that an additional function of the
preserve is to provide a steady supply
of manatee to university administrators
because “administrators require a daily
Beacon Horoscopes
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the once and future Kiag oTScodttld
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to keep and the reason you wereput on your son who's at college even though
this God-forsaken rock and do what he writes you twice a day. despite hav
y««K| waast so ft® to work three grueling and degrad-
CANCER- stars to pay off your gambling
tomorrow ytmshill bweymmi«k& ? selling Ms teeth to buy
(as you’re making your preparations $. ftadjiyotjr wedding ring front the pawn
remember, wlm destroyed yowcafcer, shop, !* can’t afford dentures and has
caused your spouse and children to to mash up his weekly bag of Sam’s
leave you and left you naked on M
street). -• siM) with his shoe. All he
lUMOR
r
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~hc nronle w ho conn! will vet ii
Above : Hired professional butchers prepare manatee tlesh for consumption by administartors. Below: The mysterious
‘Sea-Cowboy’ sails into the sunet before slaugtering and consuming his aqua-steed.
helping of manatee flesh to maintain
their presence on this plane of existence
and appease the Morningstar.”
Investigators speculate that the
Behrend campus was chosen as the pre
serve site due to recent zoning ordi
nance loop holes created by the com
monwealth campus restructuring.
University spokespersons insist that
there are no University regulations pro
hibiting the slaughter and consumption
of manatees and were unable to com
prehend that their own policies are not
above federal law.
• * * * t)n this*4ay In * * * •
l Behrend History •
• On this day in Behrend history in*
*the year of our lord 1998 the first*
•woman was admitted to campus.*
"Although only accepted as a proba-*
•tional student for a two week trial*
the inclusion of this first "stu-*
•dent-ess” caused riots to break out in*
Harborcreek, and the Bronx. To*
•this day, few women choose to attend*
JPenn State Behrend. .
a battery back-up it
. you will be late fo
M you leave don’
' be laying it
when ii
Wanted: Erotic Page Editor
The Beacon will be adding an adult
themed ‘Erotica Page’ for the Fall
2005 semester. An erotic page editor
meeting the following criteria is cur
rently being sought. Do you:
Search for pornography daily?
Drunk Drinking Dangers
By Vera Michiru and Jerry Pohl
Contributing Writers
The average age at which Americans
start drinking is around 16 years old.
More than two out of every five col
lege students turns out to be binge
drinkers. These staggering statistics
paint a dismal picture of our future.
Behrend has a serious underage drink
ing problem. In 2003, there were 6
liquor violations.
Obviously underage drinking is in
trouble. Something must be done to
show underage kids the fun side of
drinking. To take efforts to this effect,
the Beacon is publishing the rules to a
few drinking games that you can play
in your RA’s room.
Inebriation: Each player attempts to
spell inebriation. For each attempt, the
player takes a shot. If they get it right,
they get a double. If they get it wrong,
they get a triple.
This game is great because it’s edu
cational. Spelling is a fundamental
skill for all classes. This game is also a
favorite among English majors and dif
ferent words can be substituted for ine
briation, such as ‘intoxication,’ ‘hallu-
Friday, April 15, 2005
Have m extensive collection of toys?
Work best when being whipped?
Ef\joy working long hard hours?
Write while bent over a table wearing
ashortskirt?
If so send your resume and photo
spread to jhpls3@psu;edu
B~cup or less need not apply
cination,’ and ‘vomit.’
Haze Haze Haze: Players drink
vodka while being tied up, blindfolded,
and forced to do ungodly things to a
four-legged creature named Bessie.
Note: Haze Haze Haze is an enter
taining and socially rewarding game
not to be confused with hazing, which
is illegal and not encouraged by any
means.
This game is a great way of bonding
with your friends. Studies show that
shared suffering creates friends for life.
This is because people will always
want to be friends with the people who
have copies of the pictures of them
doing something that would ruin their
career.
Peer Pressure: The rules are simple.
Keep drinking unless you want to be a
loser/outcast/freak/nerd/geek for the
rest of your life.
This game is great because it’s so
basic; it’s actually the underlying
theme of all drinking games. This
game is high stakes, lose once and it
could take you a whole semester to
regain any dignity at all. But when it
comes to drinking games and dignity,
you lose in one area as much as you
gain in another.