The Behrend Beacon I 6 Behrend welcomes Salad Fingers to Spring Speaker Series By Cabby Scoops and Jerry Pohl Start Writer and Contributimi writer Despite the speaker series budget being slashed from $23.52 to SQUAT, Behrend has managed to recruit a number of fantastic speakers to enlighten it's students this school year including heavy hitters like Fox News' own Cathrine Crier and a former Secretary of Labor. This Tuesday, Behrend welcomed another dis tinguished guest to campus, the international internet sensation Mr. Salad Fingers. Salad Fingers has had a distin guished career. lie has earned 11 degrees in the Penn State system alone and a holds a total of 27 PhDs, 17 Masters, 31 Doctorates, Bachelors Degrees and a GED. He's a Fulhright scholar and an alumni fellow at 20 colleges, including all of the Big 10. He has also won Iron Chef a few tunes. Salad fingers spoke with Bchrcnd's engineers about the importance of making spoons out of metal that rusts. He caressed all of the machinery in the Witkowski building. He cut him self on a miter saw saying, "I like it when the red water flows.- Salad Fingers arrived just in time to congratulate newly elect ed Vice President elect of SGA. Deepti Soni. Deepti said of the experience. "He reminds me of the entire Beacon staff. - Salad CHRIS HVIZDAK/BEHRENDBEACON The Incredible Hulk and Gandhi meet for a nuclear proliferation summit on the south lawn of the White House Due to the reasonable amount of time Gandhi spent evaluating the summit white paper, the Incredible Hulk became irate, emitted a guttural Hulk 'smash and enacting his method of resolution upon Gandhi WIN A DATE WITH A HUMOR PAGE WRITER!!! The opportunity of a lifetime is now available to you! Email dassolB@psu.edu to find out how you can win a date with the best looking, wittiest, most desired yet inexplicibly available guys on campus, the Humor Page Writers! Wepti a bouquet of Nettles. She smiled politely and spent the next several hours wash ing her hands. The Lion Ambassadors gifted Salad Fingers with a grubby tab. He caressed it like a rusty kettle. He licked it, tasting its grub. He made unintelligible comments about "little sister" and then breathed heavily for several min utes. The Lion Ambasadors described the awards ceremony as "creepy" and "better than usual." Mr. Fingers showed of his Iron Chef skills in the Bruno's kitchen. He began by cooking a fish in the oven. Several Bruno's staff became trapped in the oven when Salad got distracted by a rusty nail. He insisted on having a pic nic outside with several food stuffs of his own despite a Dobbin's catered dinner at Logan House. The food was described as "a step up" by Hubert Cumberdale, Professor of Tasty Cakes The one request Salad made of his Penn State hosts was pease pudding. Thinking this was a massive typo SAF ordered dia mond encrusted bananas. Salad shuddered in a corner when told the pudding was unavailable. Salad mistook the head of Student Activities for a crow and had a mental breakdown. He returned to his surreal shack and agonized over a little boy washing him. UNI. OR I r- HVIZDAK'S PHOTO OF THE WEEK Salad Fingers top left, riding atop the Nittany Lion, to which he proposed marriage; top right giving a lecture on rusty spoons in McGarvey commons; bottom left cooking a fish in Bruno s; three missing presumed dead; bottom right congratulating VP-elect Deepti Soni Violence: The answer to problems By Jerry Pohl contributing writer America is in trouble, and if we Americans don't do something about it, America will become downright un-American. The real Americans are under attack. There are certain peo ple in America who would rather be a citizen of the UN or Canada. These people are the biggest danger to America and our American freedom. We are imminently threatened by people masquerading as Americans. They are undermining our core val ues baseball, apple pie and vio lence. The greatest danger to America is pacifism. When John Wayne founded America, he used violence. When he later became our third president, he used violence to win the Alamo. And when he died in a gunfight with Ron •••••••••••••• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • BOOK OF THE WEEK ••••••••••••• • • • • • • • • • • • • • Howard, he died doing what he loved, being violent. Pacifists are vicious warriors for non-violence. They push their deadly peaceful agenda by not serving in the military, not buying guns and not tak ing the law into their own hands, put ting a heavy burden on our law enforcement officers who have to stop more and more crime by them selves. Pacifists have been a problem throughout history. The ancient Egyptians hesitated for centuries to rise up against the aliens who showed them how to build the pyra mids. Today's liberal media would rather report the news than fight along side our troops. Pacifists make outrageous claims like, "violence only breeds more vio lence" and "violence doesn't solve anything." Violence has solved plen ty of things World War 11, Vietnam, "Sometimes the truth hurts so bad that you just have to laugh. I had a hard time putting this book down once I started read ing. I felt Rog's pain every time he related breaking a part or smashing a fmger, and shared his satisfaction with small suc cesses." "He tells the story of the Woodpecker's resurrection with a style and wit that is down to earth; none of the "holier than thou" point of view that's found in so many other books on trac tor restoration. This book is not a technical manual, and doesn't pretend to be. It's the simple, real life story of one man's vic tory over a piece of broken down junk." Some Guy That ead This Book Friday, April 1, 2005 1 1 , since 10,000 B.C. the Clone Wars. The fact is violence only solves problems. Pacifists are right about violence not solving other things, but they are wrong about it not solving problems. You know who didn't have a lot of problems? The Incredible Hulk. He was violent. You know who had a lot of problems? Gandhi. And he got picked on all the time because he didn't fight back. He was probably a foreigner. The only way to protect ourselves is to attack the pacifists before they strike first. The pacifist war machine is primed and ready to not fight to the last man and negotiate their way of life on us. Many people don't realize the problem is this big. I remind them that there are pacifists reading this very same article. To those pacifists: if you're a pacifist, you're kind of a terrorist. Deep Thoughts: Tractors By: Vera Michiru contributing writer Every April our school would cele brate National Tractor Day. Kids who didn't have tractors would drive their lawn mowers to school. There was always talk about bringing back the confederacy on those days. They would bring in the only full time cop in town to handle the traffic. He would direct tractors, not cars. He worked at the school as a computer specialist, even though he didn't know anything about computers. Sometimes the kids would rebel, say computers were from the devil, you know, that whole confederate spark in them. They would all say trigonometry was the devil. That's what Jimmy's dad said. Jimmy's dad read the bible so he was a good man.
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