I The Behrend Beacon Trekkies banish garners from balcony in orgy of nerdiness By Cubby Scoops contributing writer The Reed balcony was once known as a merry shire where members of the Behrend Game Players Club, an organization catering to the tastes of "Magic: The Gathering" fans as well "Dungeons & Dragons" enthusiasts, could while away the hours, cavorting in fantasy worlds of their own choos ing. All this changed Thursday after noon when Tiberius Q. Thund-o-zoid, president of the Behrend Star Trek Club, unleashed an unholy bout of carnage upon the unsuspecting role players. The Game Players ranks had swollen to a robust thirty-five mem bers preceding the coming of Thund o-zoid, today only eight adventurers (two Clerics, five Thieves and one Warrior) remain. At approximately 3:08 p.m. the Trckkies began their conquest, appearing via the Reed elevator and instantly disintegrating better than a dozen Game Players in a hail of phas er fire. Former Game Player's President Clyde Pimplethorp attempt ed to hold back the advancing forces by playing a Magic card known as the "Spite Dragon," however both the dragon and Pimplethorp immediately met their doom at the hands of Thund o-zoid's well trained shock troops. All remaining Game Players were unmercifully eradicated by the subse quent wave of Klingon Warriors, who resorted to far more gruesome tactics than those employed by the compara tively humane shock troops. Witnesses attested to the brutality of all the aggressors, in particular Thund o-zoid, who reportedly berated Game Players as "Primitive Screw-heads" and "Bilbo Loving Degenerates." The altercation concluded amidst a flurry of pleading and scattered Magic cards when Thund-o-zoid himself eliminated the last Game Player and declared that the balcony was now exclusive property of the Behrend Star Trek Club. Starfleet, the international Star Trek fan organization, denied any connec tion with Thund-o-zoid and con demned his actions as unconscionable. When pressed for comment Gabriel Koerner, professor emeritus of Star Trek studies at Cal-Tech, speculated that due to the recent cancellation of - Enterprise," the most recent Trek TV series, Thund-o-zoid may have experi enced a great deal of psychological trauma that ultimately forced him into an "evil alternate universe mindset" of immorality and empire building. This hypothesis also explains his long, stringy moustache. As of Friday morning, Thund-o zoid had assumed full control of the Game Player's financial assets and campus facilities. When asked to explain his actions, Thund-o-zoid offered only the he felt that the bal cony had "been too long under the sway of those backward medieval types with all their Dwarves and Ogres and Heffalumps and whatnot." Thund-o-zoid went on to indicate that "The Balcony can now better serve the Behrend Community as a whole thanks to the superior breakthroughs in both technology and personal hygiene of the 23rd Century." Acting Game Player's President Gurdge Urell denied Thund-o-zoid's claim that medievals were lacking in personal hygiene and vowed swift retaliation. Although unwilling to intervene due to the nature of the con flict not falling under their jurisdiction as described by the University Policy Book, University Mediators offered their suspicion that, if anything, both organizations likely suffered from a disparity of personal hygiene and that the issue should be dropped. Late Thursday evening, Acting President Urell called upon the alle giance of Sci-Fi/Fantasy fans of all stripes to build a "Fellowship of the Willing" to retaliate against Thund-o zoid's occupation of the balcony. Urell decried "Whether you are infatuated with the past, present, alternate pres ent sorta-like in 'The Matrix', alter nate dimensions, the future or non historical eras - join us so we can pre vent the spread of tyranny across the land of Bachrohnd !" Closed door talks between Urell and President of the Behrend Star Wars Society, Darth Tickles, are rumored to be underway and will likely conclude sometime Monday. Darth Tickles was unavailable for comment as to whether or not the Empire would be striking back. I UM OR - r r- Saint faces child molestation charges By Dan Snedden assistant news editor This week the Catholic Church was rocked by yet another scandal; St. Valentine faces allegations of child molestation. One of Valentine's patronages is young people, which is what led investi gators to question the motives behind his interest in romantic affairs, especially those of young people. "It seems like a classic, cut and dry case of a dirtball priest," said investigator Paddy O'Patrick. "I hate to go after a man of the cloth, especially for such a heinous crime, but all evidence seems to indicate that he hasn't been holding true to his vow of chastity." Valentine is currently free on bail and awaiting trial, however he is still con ducting mass and preparing for Monday's festivities. "I've known him since he came to our parish and never once did he give anyone any reason to not trust him," said an anonymous parishioner. "To me he seemed, well, saintly." hinese Zodiac Y 4.:11F. Sudden editor anti far-eastern philosopher limited to a body odor similar to sul fur. Interestingly, they also lack any and all social skills being highly abrasive and belligerent towards their family, friends and the world at large. People born in the Year of the Tiger are emnpatible with no one. RABBIT : People born during the Year of the Rabbit are generally small, furry and have big pointy teeth. They have innumerable natural enemies; but their biggest threat are the spotted Mongolian newt and Holy Hand Greandes. However they spend most of their time paintiog *gip p , ariiig for Eister. They `are tittat e Hpatible with other rabbits, other rabbits and marinade. DRAGON- Those born during the Year of the Dragon are known for their fatal (to others) halitosis. The dragons tend to find caves as .attrac tive places of residences. Distantly related to Rabbits, they often experi ;nee problems with knights, cru aders and used car salesmen. People born in the Year of the Dragon are compatible with fire everything but Water and archers named Bard. SNAKE- The Year of the St eke pro dates people of no value Whatsoever. Bony, but that's all I got for this one. HaRSE- People born during the Year of ihe Horse tend to travel often carrying people on their back. They are highly compatible with all *els of society including; knights, ,o‘r!tioys. kings, minutemen, ifihirrim, hippies, Cossacks and limbers of Behrend's Equsterian As far as Valentine's past goes, there is little to be said. "His background is uncertain, there are rumors that he may be under an alias. We can't even find birth records on the guy," said O'Patrick. "It's a wonder that he was even ordained. I know the Catholic Church is desperate for priests, but they should at least do a background check." Experts have narrowed Valentine's place of origin to either the Mediterranean or Africa and the top sci entists in the field of religious criminolo gy believe that Valentine did was impris oned in one or both of those regions. Authorities are not ruling out an Al Queda connection. "He's lived in the Mediterranean, Africa, and possibly the Middle East," said conservative talk radio host Chuck Linriley. "Anyone who's been to that many places outside of the country must be one of those bomb strapped terrorists. He's a child molester, and therefore homosexual, which means he's a social deviant, and therefore a communist. Which means he's a subversive flag Friday, February 11, 2005 Club. Their relationships tend to end tragically, as whenever they itse badly hurt, they are shot. : RAM- Headbutts are an everyday reality for those born in the Year of the Ram. They are fans of rip* products and are highly 001111001* with those who are Taurus's western Zodiac. They always life by the horns." MONKEY- A prehensile tail, air*. ful as it can be, does not belp,diaa born in the Year of the Mmtl4olo . down a job. As the ideal (wit* realistic) job fot theorit and nuclear weapons engliteeriklithe . Bolvian government, they teitd:l,* have trouble finding gainful erripllap mem. ROOSTER- People born in the Yett, of the Rooster beat the adz e early bird gets the worm' to 0* with their crowing at the suet* Their ideal residence is itt ; s , ,v7 ; cages waiting to be te small, breaded morsel with a secret recipe of 32 ;7 *it spices. DOG- The Year of the Dog;taietith , people who have tendencies„ scratch in public and carry They horde their wealth, tei — Ailtili burying their most valued peatate., sions. Their favorite sleeping, eating. poker. PIG -'People born the Pig are best spit. Add spices burning, pot-smoking, baby-eating, hippy. We should fry him without a trial." In response, liberals held a rally for Valentine, which included the throng singing John Lennon's "Imagine." Before finishing they all came to their senses and got jobs, renouncing their meaningless, economically worthless, existences to participate in the system. They realized that they had no mar ketable skills and slipping further into depression over their empty existences attempted to purchase firearms so they could commit suicide. However, due to their innumerable gun control laws they were unable to acquire any firearms and so went back to their regularly scheduled whining. Valentine is not releasing a public statement until Tuesday to prevent his legal woes from interfering with the hol iday. Valentine's attorney did indicate that a plea bargain is not out of the ques tion, however the Church plans to fight as hard to prove Valentine's innocence as they fought to prove that the earth was the center of the universe.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers