I The Behrend Beacon
Trekkies banish
garners from balcony
in orgy of nerdiness
By Cubby Scoops
contributing writer
The Reed balcony was once known
as a merry shire where members of the
Behrend Game Players Club, an
organization catering to the tastes of
"Magic: The Gathering" fans as well
"Dungeons & Dragons" enthusiasts,
could while away the hours, cavorting
in fantasy worlds of their own choos
ing. All this changed Thursday after
noon when Tiberius Q. Thund-o-zoid,
president of the Behrend Star Trek
Club, unleashed an unholy bout of
carnage upon the unsuspecting role
players. The Game Players ranks had
swollen to a robust thirty-five mem
bers preceding the coming of Thund
o-zoid, today only eight adventurers
(two Clerics, five Thieves and one
Warrior) remain.
At approximately 3:08 p.m. the
Trckkies began their conquest,
appearing via the Reed elevator and
instantly disintegrating better than a
dozen Game Players in a hail of phas
er fire. Former Game Player's
President Clyde Pimplethorp attempt
ed to hold back the advancing forces
by playing a Magic card known as the
"Spite Dragon," however both the
dragon and Pimplethorp immediately
met their doom at the hands of Thund
o-zoid's well trained shock troops.
All remaining Game Players were
unmercifully eradicated by the subse
quent wave of Klingon Warriors, who
resorted to far more gruesome tactics
than those employed by the compara
tively humane shock troops.
Witnesses attested to the brutality of
all the aggressors, in particular Thund
o-zoid, who reportedly berated Game
Players as "Primitive Screw-heads"
and "Bilbo Loving Degenerates."
The altercation concluded amidst a
flurry of pleading and scattered Magic
cards when Thund-o-zoid himself
eliminated the last Game Player and
declared that the balcony was now
exclusive property of the Behrend Star
Trek Club.
Starfleet, the international Star Trek
fan organization, denied any connec
tion with Thund-o-zoid and con
demned his actions as unconscionable.
When pressed for comment Gabriel
Koerner, professor emeritus of Star
Trek studies at Cal-Tech, speculated
that due to the recent cancellation of
- Enterprise," the most recent Trek TV
series, Thund-o-zoid may have experi
enced a great deal of psychological
trauma that ultimately forced him into
an "evil alternate universe mindset" of
immorality and empire building. This
hypothesis also explains his long,
stringy moustache.
As of Friday morning, Thund-o
zoid had assumed full control of the
Game Player's financial assets and
campus facilities. When asked to
explain his actions, Thund-o-zoid
offered only the he felt that the bal
cony had "been too long under the
sway of those backward medieval
types with all their Dwarves and
Ogres and Heffalumps and whatnot."
Thund-o-zoid went on to indicate that
"The Balcony can now better serve the
Behrend Community as a whole
thanks to the superior breakthroughs
in both technology and personal
hygiene of the 23rd Century."
Acting Game Player's President
Gurdge Urell denied Thund-o-zoid's
claim that medievals were lacking in
personal hygiene and vowed swift
retaliation. Although unwilling to
intervene due to the nature of the con
flict not falling under their jurisdiction
as described by the University Policy
Book, University Mediators offered
their suspicion that, if anything, both
organizations likely suffered from a
disparity of personal hygiene and that
the issue should be dropped.
Late Thursday evening, Acting
President Urell called upon the alle
giance of Sci-Fi/Fantasy fans of all
stripes to build a "Fellowship of the
Willing" to retaliate against Thund-o
zoid's occupation of the balcony. Urell
decried "Whether you are infatuated
with the past, present, alternate pres
ent sorta-like in 'The Matrix', alter
nate dimensions, the future or non
historical eras - join us so we can pre
vent the spread of tyranny across the
land of Bachrohnd !"
Closed door talks between Urell and
President of the Behrend Star Wars
Society, Darth Tickles, are rumored to
be underway and will likely conclude
sometime Monday. Darth Tickles was
unavailable for comment as to
whether or not the Empire would be
striking back.
I UM OR
- r
r-
Saint faces child molestation charges
By Dan Snedden
assistant news editor
This week the Catholic Church was
rocked by yet another scandal; St.
Valentine faces allegations of child
molestation.
One of Valentine's patronages is
young people, which is what led investi
gators to question the motives behind his
interest in romantic affairs, especially
those of young people.
"It seems like a classic, cut and dry
case of a dirtball priest," said investigator
Paddy O'Patrick. "I hate to go after a
man of the cloth, especially for such a
heinous crime, but all evidence seems to
indicate that he hasn't been holding true
to his vow of chastity."
Valentine is currently free on bail and
awaiting trial, however he is still con
ducting mass and preparing for
Monday's festivities.
"I've known him since he came to our
parish and never once did he give anyone
any reason to not trust him," said an
anonymous parishioner. "To me he
seemed, well, saintly."
hinese Zodiac
Y 4.:11F. Sudden
editor anti far-eastern philosopher
limited to a body odor similar to sul
fur. Interestingly, they also lack any
and all social skills being highly
abrasive and belligerent towards
their family, friends and the world at
large. People born in the Year of the
Tiger are emnpatible with no one.
RABBIT : People born during the
Year of the Rabbit are generally
small, furry and have big pointy
teeth. They have innumerable natural
enemies; but their biggest threat are
the spotted Mongolian newt and
Holy Hand Greandes. However they
spend most of their time paintiog
*gip p , ariiig for Eister. They `are
tittat e Hpatible with other rabbits,
other rabbits and marinade.
DRAGON- Those born during the
Year of the Dragon are known for
their fatal (to others) halitosis. The
dragons tend to find caves as .attrac
tive places of residences. Distantly
related to Rabbits, they often experi
;nee problems with knights, cru
aders and used car salesmen. People
born in the Year of the Dragon are
compatible with fire everything but
Water and archers named Bard.
SNAKE- The Year of the St eke pro
dates people of no value Whatsoever.
Bony, but that's all I got for this one.
HaRSE- People born during the Year
of ihe Horse tend to travel often
carrying people on their back.
They are highly compatible with all
*els of society including; knights,
,o‘r!tioys. kings, minutemen,
ifihirrim, hippies, Cossacks and
limbers of Behrend's Equsterian
As far as Valentine's past goes, there is
little to be said.
"His background is uncertain, there
are rumors that he may be under an alias.
We can't even find birth records on the
guy," said O'Patrick. "It's a wonder that
he was even ordained. I know the
Catholic Church is desperate for priests,
but they should at least do a background
check."
Experts have narrowed Valentine's
place of origin to either the
Mediterranean or Africa and the top sci
entists in the field of religious criminolo
gy believe that Valentine did was impris
oned in one or both of those regions.
Authorities are not ruling out an Al
Queda connection.
"He's lived in the Mediterranean,
Africa, and possibly the Middle East,"
said conservative talk radio host Chuck
Linriley. "Anyone who's been to that
many places outside of the country must
be one of those bomb strapped terrorists.
He's a child molester, and therefore
homosexual, which means he's a social
deviant, and therefore a communist.
Which means he's a subversive flag
Friday, February 11, 2005
Club. Their relationships tend to end
tragically, as whenever they itse
badly hurt, they are shot. :
RAM- Headbutts are an everyday
reality for those born in the Year of
the Ram. They are fans of rip*
products and are highly 001111001*
with those who are Taurus's
western Zodiac. They always
life by the horns."
MONKEY- A prehensile tail, air*.
ful as it can be, does not belp,diaa
born in the Year of the Mmtl4olo .
down a job. As the ideal (wit*
realistic) job fot theorit
and nuclear weapons engliteeriklithe .
Bolvian government, they teitd:l,*
have trouble finding gainful erripllap
mem.
ROOSTER- People born in the Yett,
of the Rooster beat the adz e
early bird gets the worm' to 0*
with their crowing at the suet*
Their ideal residence is itt ; s , ,v7 ;
cages waiting to be te
small, breaded morsel
with a secret recipe of 32 ;7 *it
spices.
DOG- The Year of the Dog;taietith
,
people who have tendencies„
scratch in public and carry
They horde their wealth, tei — Ailtili
burying their most valued peatate.,
sions. Their favorite
sleeping, eating.
poker.
PIG -'People born
the Pig are best
spit. Add spices
burning, pot-smoking, baby-eating,
hippy. We should fry him without a
trial."
In response, liberals held a rally for
Valentine, which included the throng
singing John Lennon's "Imagine."
Before finishing they all came to their
senses and got jobs, renouncing their
meaningless, economically worthless,
existences to participate in the system.
They realized that they had no mar
ketable skills and slipping further into
depression over their empty existences
attempted to purchase firearms so they
could commit suicide. However, due to
their innumerable gun control laws they
were unable to acquire any firearms and
so went back to their regularly scheduled
whining.
Valentine is not releasing a public
statement until Tuesday to prevent his
legal woes from interfering with the hol
iday. Valentine's attorney did indicate
that a plea bargain is not out of the ques
tion, however the Church plans to fight
as hard to prove Valentine's innocence as
they fought to prove that the earth was
the center of the universe.