Page 269 The Barend Bacon SATURDAY SUNDAY Tornado Like Winds High: 92° Wind Chill: -25° Erin McCarty’s All Behrend men except Mike Butala 3/21/02 03:30 Police were called to the Niagara Hall lobby where a complainant drought she heard a large orgy taking place. When police arrived, all they found were several fraternity members, many big screen TVs, and a whole lotta pom turned up as loud as possible. 3/22/02 14:45 Police were called to the Junker Center gymnasium where they found the baseball coach leading the other coaches and athletes in a worshipping service for the god ollebekim. Police are investigating whether it was an actual cult or just the athletic department’s desperate attempt to win a few games. 3/23/02 16:55 A caller reported many broads beating up a hated glasses-wearing Bacon writer. Police will issue citations as soon as someone complains. 3/23/02 20:50 A complainant called to report one of the Bacon’s advertising managers ate her lunch at Bruno’s. Police are still fielding the 50 other similar complaints. 3/24/02 09:30 A hacker was issued a citation for bringing down the Penn State system, thus preventing professors from teaching class and exposing the ignorance of the faculty. 3/25/02 18:00 Police were called to the Bacon staff meeting where they had to break up a fight between the editor-in-chief and their favorite letter-to-the-editor writer. At this point the judges are still making their decision on the winner. 3/25/02 20:00 Police issued a fetation to the Commuter Council for polluting the air with excessive bitching. 3/26/02 11:35 A complainant reported poison in the food at Bruno’s. Police determined the person was mistaken and that the food was just warm. 3/26/02 22:00 A complainant reported a carpet party taking place in Ohio Hall. Half the campus failed to go to the next day’s classes. 3/27/02 7:00 Police were called to the engineering complex when a complainant called to report engineers were smoking marijuana out of a laige, homemade bong. When asked to comment, officer Parrington said, “Dude, we like, totally arrested those kids, man.” 3/27/02 12:25 Police found a suspicious student selling tapes outside Bruno’s of the previous day’s party. All copies have been sold out. 3/28/02 18:45 A complainant called to report that her car was missing. Police and Safety stated that her vehicle had been towed due to a parking permit hanging at 89.5 degrees rather than the Penn State mandated 90 degrees. 3/28/02 23:00 Police issued citations to the Bacon staff for underage drinking. On a brighter note, the next day’s paper was the best the campus had ever seen. 4/20/02 16:20 A complainant called to report funny-smelling smoke coming from the SGA Office. Police arrived with drug-sniffing dogs, but the smoke was too overwhelming for the dogs and all SGA members were free to go. A day later half the campus signed up to become senators. •Wanted* a girlfriend with pulse for Bello will pay Mike Bello competitive wages. (but will settle for corpse if not yet Special bonus incentive for girl that cold) for astS throughout semester. -long walks (or drags*) on the beach (*in case of corpse) WEEKEND WEATHER OUTLOOK * Sunny & Humid High: 89° Low: 64° BEHREND BRIEFS CLASSIFIEDS MONDAY Blizzard! DO NOT DRIVE! High:-10° Low: -3° Mike Butala’s Jack Burke’s Mike Bello will tolerate: -Halitosis -Lice -Fleas, -Stupidity -Most diseases Paid for by the committee of con cerned friends and the committee to find Mike Bello a corpse/girlfriend. Friday, March 29, 2069 Professor accidently passes bowel-movement during class by Ryan “I shower with doobie-smoking ducks” Anthony resident humorist A riotous laughter broke out soon after 2:00 in the Academic Building this past Monday afternoon. Minutes after, students spilled out of room 43, some shedding tears of laughter while others clenched their noses tightly. A passerby on the first floor of the building called the scene hysterical. Apparently a professor soiled himself dur ing his afternoon lecture. According to stu dents in his class, until that point everything was going as usual. The professor, whose identity is not being released, was in the midst of his usual lecture when tragedy struck. “I swear I heard him fart when he bent over to pick up an overhead slide that fell on the floor,” one student commented. “You could even tell he was embarrassed because he tried to pretend that he didn’t fart even though his face turned bright red.” Witnesses say that a few minutes after the supposed flatulence, the professor stopped mid-sentence as his face clenched and neck tightened. Some students re ported that they thought he was having a heart attack, but what happened next ended all doubts. All curious eyes fixed on their professor’s strained face when the silence of the classroom was broken by a deep, rolling, gurgle. “I couldn’t believe it,” said a student who sat in the front row. “He just stood there and refused to move for at least a couple minutes. I thought I could smell his fart again, but then I saw something seeping down the inside pant leg of his khakis. Thatfs when I almost threw up.” The gurgling that filled the classroom turned out to be the shepherd’s pie the pro fessor ate for lunch in Bruno’s only an hour before. His intestinal troubles proved to be Tom Green terrorizes Behrend! Bacon staff brings down Green menace by KoolKarl editor of Kool things It was all good. He was married to a beautiful woman, his movies were box office hits, and young men everywhere wanted to be him. Tom Green was on top of the world and nothing could stop him. Then it all fell apart. Drew Barrymore left him for Gary Coleman, Freddie Got Fingered was a bomb, and his followers shifted their allegiance toward Andy Dick and Johnny Knoxville. A desperate Tom Green crawled back to MTV and begged executives to hire him back. They offered him his job back but only if Tom agreed to tour top college campuses across America. On TUesday, March 28, Tom Green invaded Penn State Behrend for a day of anarchy and fun. Although the visit was not made public, a number of students somehow found out about the event and welcomed Green with cheers when he pulled up to the Reed Union Building. Many students f expected Tom to arrive in a limousine and were shocked when they saw Tom sitting on a mattress in the back of an ‘B2 El Camino. I had the honor of showing Tom around, since he is a member of my Aldi’s Product Review staff. I took him to Bruno’s so he could eat Itlnch. I learned the single life was tough on Tom-since Drew left his diet has consisted of Easy Cheese and Fruit Roll-Ups. Tom: So who is that dog on the wall? Me: The portrait? That’s Bruno. Tom: Why is he looking at me? Is it because he’s in the hamburger I’m eating? Is this a Bruno burger? Is that what it is, Karl? Me: Tom: Where is Bruno? Me: He’s dead. He’s buried on campus Tom: Show me where he is. To make a long story short Tom Green dug up Bruno’s grave and played with thee dog’s brittle skull. Police and Safety responded but it was too late-Tom had coaxed one of Behrend’s baseball players to pitch the skull toward him and Tom connected, sending the skull into the Behrend fields. Strangely enough, dozens of Behrend students received a good dose of food poisoning near the time the dog’s grave was disturbed, and a few peers even barked at me - the wrath of Bruno evident. I decided to take Tom to the Behrend Bacon office since Police and Safety were on Tom’s trail. My fellow staff members were ecstatic when we arrived at the office, but that changed when Tom unplugged all the computers and spilled hot soup on our Editor-in-Chief (Rob Wynne). After Rob more than he could handle, and at approxi mately 2:15 p.m., the professor lost control of his bowels. One student in the classroom commented, “That’s the funniest thing 1 have ever heard. I didn’t even know what happened at first because I wasn’t paying attention, but when everyone else started giggling, I looked up to see him standing there with a beet-red face. Right then the smell almost knocked me out and I knew exactly what had happened, but 1 still couldn’t believe that my professor shat himself.” Roaring laughter ensued and the humili ated professor fled the room, shouting, “I'll never teach here again. You all fail.” It was not long before news of the event Behrend students non-chalantly look at the remnants of a bowel-movement made by a professor during a class lecture. spread across campus. By 3 p.m., engineers were discussing the event, but the story then became a bit exaggerated. One engineer was overheard telling another that the rumor he Above: Bacon security staff (Ltoß: Jeff Miller, Rob Wynne, and Jason Snyder) gets ready to tackle Mr. Green after a day of ‘Tom’foolery. Right: Tom Green after Bacon security team helps him exit from the Reed Building. finished screaming in agony, he told Tom to get the hell out: Rob: Get the hell out. Tom: The soup’s on you! The soup’s on you! Rob: Ahhhh! My skin is peeling! Get out! Tom: *Rubs against Rob* My bum is on the chief my bum is on the chief, look at me my bum is on the chief! Rob: Get off me! Mr. Wynne then sent Tom into a pile of old Bacon issues with a powerful shove. Tom: *Rubs against old Bacon’s* My bum is on the Bacon My bum is on the Bacon look at me my bum is on the Bacon... Moments later, we were chased out of the Bacon office. To pass some time I watched Tom: Jack Daniels, News Editor baconhatemail@yourmom.com heard was a science professor performed a bowel movement into a trash can in front of his class as part of a presentation on the diges tive system. This, of course, is not accurate. Since the event, the professor has failed to appear in any of his classes. He would not grant an interview, hut he released the follow ing statement. "My actions on Monday after noon were totally embarrassing and acciden tal. I apologize to my students and to the jani tors who had to mop up mv trail through the Academic Building. Hopefully they will be able to put this beyond them and I will be able to continue teaching.” Unfortunately for the professor, it appears this may not be the case. Said one of his stu dents, "How can you have respect for a pro- fessor who does that? livery time I see him from now on, all I'll be able to do is laugh. Professor Poopypanls w ill never have respect here again 1) Push a few library bookshelves down, 2) Steal a maintenance pickup and take it to the Junker Center, where he spun tire and peeled out on the basketball court, 3) Break some expensive engineering equipment in the Hammermill Building, 4) Throw cans of paint from the top floor of the Million Dollar Staircase. I think everyone can agree, Tom's visit definitely put a smile on everyone’s face, and this showed when a number of students pointed at him with their middle fingers and screamed at him.. .1 think they wanted him to know he was number one. Tom boarded the El Camino and gave the students the same gesture, letting out a cry resembling that of an impregnated mongoose as the El Camino blazed down the road. Thanks Tom!
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers