•"TT - | | w*Mk(( £k ip* ml | g 9 **^ a 1 if fc* ES T% fel* INI Lr dS %t March 29, 2069 fr / 322 Pa § es Vol. SKCUSALATUBEKIM No. Way, Du OaMODGDBS ®©El@@llg ©IF [E©©Kl©Min©© >GW 2Qh9 Friday’s forecast: Snow, tornadoes, and tsunamis High: 29° Low: 21° Check page 269 for the weekend weather outlook NEWS No, not really, but a lot of students would pay top dollar to see that; actually we just wanted to get your attention, but now we forgot what we were going to say here. Hey, you never know. Maybe we have Britney Spears and Josh Hartnett, you’ll just have to look inside and find out for yourself. Strange odors coming form the SGA office? Check out all of the funny stuff written by this ex tremely funny man! The “don’t kill us, this is all a joke for April Fool’s Day” disclaimer is located on Page 4 Bacon News Inside! Happy April Fools Day! NEWSROOM: 555-lhBu FAX: 555-poop E-MAIL: is for the teckmiogically advanced Offices are located downstairs in hell. Behrend adopts Macintosh platform for entire campus! bv Bob editor-in-chef Intern Provost and Dean Jack Burke recently announced that Apple Computer bought Penn State Behrend and the campus will soon adopt the Macintosh platform for all computing purposes. Apple Computer, under the keen insight of Steve Jobs, will rename the campus "ißehrend" and use its facilities to harbor new and more Cinematography major, new Polygon club new additions at Behrend among by Anthony Ryan resident hippie With scheduling now oc curring for the upcoming summer and fall sessions at Behrend, students should be aware of several changes in the schooMs near future. A number of new courses will be of fered and several new clubs will be forming. Behrend’s Humanities and Social Sciences de partment will be greatly expanded with a new ma jor and supporting course offerings. Students will be able to earn a degree in Cinematography and Por nography, adding either di recting or acting as a mi- A recent donation to the school by an unknown source in Hollywood stipu lated that the money be used to create a program that would support the adult film in dustry. It also provided money for a scholarship. The donor wishes to be unidentified, but the title of the new scholarship is the L. Flint Award. Using the new funding, the H&SS hired a number of distin guished faculty and purchased supplies necessary for the courses. Among new faculty members who will be seen on campus in the fall will include Ron Jeremy, Tonya Harding, Jenna Jameson, and Beetlejuice, of Howard Stern fame. H&SS is not the only school powerful G4's and even cooler-look ing iMaes. "Any remaining PC s will be dis posed of in an orderly fashion; some will he kepi forexperiinentaion, but for the most part they will all be recycled inter remote controls and w atches." said Jobs. "Macs are great. I really wish we adopted this platform years ago." said John Hoffman. iDirector of the new Mae Computer Center. "They're virtually superior to any other computer." Jobs stated that the new iMacs ar riving at Behrend w ill feature three internet hook ups, so students can download more crap like Britney Spears music onto their computers at triple the speed. "We’re just happy that the stu dents accepted the transition with such areal enthusiasm." said Jobs. "Once we explained the new internet hook ups and the development of iCrap, a new crappy music down loading program, the students were overwhelmed with joy. It even hrouaht a tear to John Hoffman’s Students will he able to trade in their crappy PC's for.a new iMac within the week. Dr. Ron Jeremy and Dr. Jenna Jameson will join the Behrend faculty next year as gender studies professors, to add a new major. The School of Engineering and Engineering Technology will offer students a degree in Custodial Engineer ing. Custodial Engineers, of course, are the fearless and dedi cated individuals who spread sawdust over vomit in grade schools everywhere. Though this has been a male-dominated industry, the school is encourag ing females to become involved in this fast-paced, exciting field of study. "I can’t wait to get started on my classes.” said one current Electrical Engineering major. "Electrical engineering is too « I Bruno's discovers way to cook warmer than room temperature by Ben K village idiot Recently, in a landmark discovery, an employee at Bruno's discovered it is possible to heat food above room temperature. When interviewed the student (who wishes to remain anonymous) said, "I was in the back burning my chern book in a garbage cun when I accidentally dropped the Chicken Spazmo I was eating into the fire. I picked it back up and was amazed to find that the Chicken patty was wanner than 78 degrees!" Amazed by her discovery, the student immediately told her supervisor. Due to the proprietary nature of any food-related discoveries made by student employees, no recognition will be given to this student pioneer. "Stephen Hawking can kiss our asses! All he did was prove that if general relativity is true and the universe is expanding, a singularity must have occurred at the birth of the universe!" said the supervisor, who w ished not to be named until Bruno's discovery received proper recognition from the scientific community. "This is the most important discovery in thousands of years - who would have thought that food could be served warmer than 78 degrees Fahrenheit?” We always believed that heating food above this "absolute maximum" would cause it to spontaneously combust or possibly open up a wormhole. hard, but I think custodial might be right up my alley. I already bought my mop and bucket of sawdust so I can get a head start on my semester.” Several new clubs will form over the next few months at Behrend as well. These new clubs will attempt to reach out to students who are not yet in volved in campus activities be cause they have not yet found something they can totally con nect with. The overall goal of the new clubs is to make the campus di verse enough that everyone can be involved in something. ! . 11 . Although all Housing and Food Service employees from the top down are excited about this discovery, they aren’t quite ready to heat their foot! to these unheard of high temperatures. “Students are used to eating burgers, chicken wraps, pizza, and Spazmos that are only slightly wanner than their soft drinks. We don’t want to alann them by giving them food that is actually hot. Besides, we haven’t perfected the technology yet to cook and hold food above room temperature." Housing and Food Service has enlisted the engineering department to help design new equipment. Thomas Edison, head of the School of Engineering and Engineering Technology was contacted by the Bacon about their work in the field of food warming. "Housing and Foe know what the talking about. They go to any commer food service sup| company a purchase equipme to keep their fo< above 78 degree We're just actinj like its some amazing feat to heat food above room temperature so we can milk them out of a ton of money. Suckers. According to theirplans, within four or five months food will he cooked above 120 degrees. "We’re going to The first new club will be called Polygon. According to the founder, this club has been formed because the current club Trigon is not inclusive enough. “Tri means three, and there are some students whose sexual in terests and escapades involve more than the three sexual ori entations included in Trigon." she said. "With Polygon, stu dents who are into animals. Jell 0, masochism, play dough, or whatever else will be able to take part in discussions and ac tivities promoting their sexual health and hi-jinks." Another new club is the •4 1 r >»jBIC ATION * phase in these new higher temperatures. We think students might be scared of so called ‘hot’ foods, seeing them as some sort of voodoo, In order to gauge student opinion on this newfangled form of food preparation, several random students were interviewed around campus. "Hot food? That's just crazy. I like nly burgers no hotter than 75 degrees Them people from the health department said its not real good to eat red meat that’s less than 150 degrees, but like Charlton Heston says, 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, you damn dirty ape!”’ said Mitch Buchanan. DUS 10. "Food warmer than room temperature? I’ve had coffee before that was pretty warm, but I don’t know about eating a hot chicken sandwich. I heard that will burn a hole in On behalf of the Bacon staff, we urge you, Bruno’s, keep the kids happy - KEEP THE FOOD COLD! of something that does not offer the same point of view as Women Today. ”1 just want everyone to hear both sides of the story.” he said. "It’s not that I don’t like women. I just want to provide students with an op posing view of that offered by Women Today." Within a week of the an nouncement of this club, it be came the largest student-run or ganization on campus: virtually every male on campus joined. So if you are planning on be coming involved with student life next semester, there are a number of options. Attend a meeting and see which clubs are right for you your stomach." Said Molls Ringw a I d . Elish 015. students were interviewed and all had similar ol reactions superstition and fear. Unicultural Council, or UCC. A great number of these clubs are farming, because, as one member stated, "I do not care to be multicultural. I am proud of being 100 percent Lebanese and I want my heri tage to stand out." Another student said that he did not wish to share his ethnicity with other members of a dif ferent ethnic group. "I want to be part of a group of other people just like me. I don’t go for that multicultural she nanigans. One is good enough for me.” Alwavs one to start new things on campus. Bacon writer Mike Butala started a group called "Men Today.” He cited his reason for start ing the club as an opportunity for men and women to be pari de! Ten other
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