The Behrend Bacon National by Bongo, the three legged monkey assistant editor The housing problems on campus have grown to epic proportions in the past week. The recent riots on campus and the burning of Niagara Hall with great loss of life has caused the administration to request that the National Guard be called out to quell the disturbances. Provost and Dean John Lilley is calling on the students currently holding hostages in Perry Hall to negotiate and end these disturbances. The controversial way that the entire housing contract turn-in was handled began the problems on campus this semester. Housing remained unresponsive to student requests to fix the system, causing students to begin to ponder taking things into their own hands. On Thursday, March 25th, what started out as a nonviolent protest soon ended up turning into a full scale Vampires beware: TV’s Buffy named new Director of H&SS by ms. tater tots (aka perky per per) managing editor Sarah Michelle Gcllar, of Vam pire Slaying fame, has been named the new Director of Humanities and Social Sciences. After a year long search for the right candidate, the ■ j: v i.l-d upon Gellar because of her outstanding at tributes, especially her ability to in crease male enrollment. Gellar is all business. She is known to wear Frederick’s of Holly wood and Victoria Secrets Clothing to meetings, and this seductive tactic imanities and Social Sciences Director, Sarah Michelle Geller Eerie, PA 16563 Guard called out to put down housin riot. The rioters presented a list of demands for the improvement of Housing and Food Services. These demands included: a better system for housing contracts, greater reponsiveness from Housing and Food Services, improved food on campus, and hot tubs on each floor of the dorms. While the administration was willing to consider hot tubs in the dorms, they insisted that the other demands were outrageous. After refusing to hear anymore from the students, they demanded that the protesters disperse. When the protesters refused, Police and Safety was ordered to remove the protesters by whatever means necessary. When one resisting student was knocked unconscious by a Police and Safety officer, the situation turned into a full riot which concluded with the burning of Niagara and the rioters taking over Perry and holding members of the administration hostage, including Bill Donahue, Director of Police and has been described as a very effec tive way of increasing interest in the school. In an attempt to increase stu dent participation, Gellar has orga nized student sleepovers at her new home in Corry. There has already been an increase in transfer applica tions in male students from Gannon, Edinbo r o 3rd Mercyhurst. The lines are going around the Reed Commons for students who are willing to work for her as a work study student. It is said that Gellar beat out some stiff competition, in cluding Jesse Ventura, governor of Minnesota, Janet Reno, The U.S. At- April Fools’ Day, 1999 Volume II No. 69 Safety, and Ed Mulfinger, Director of Housing and Food Services. Governor Tom Ridge has approved calling out the National Guard to put down the riots and place the campus under martial law. He is hoping that the riots can be put down with minimal loss of life, and the ringleaders of the rioters, who at this point remain unknown, can be brought to justice. Our new editor-in-chief. Bob the Scrubbing Bubble tomey General, Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs, and Tinky Winky, the gay purple Teletubby. The criteria included swimsuit, evening gown and talent competi tions. Gellar won the talent compe tition by a long shot, by swallow ing a thirteen inch Hillshire Farm Italian Sausagv Unfortunately Tinky Winky was eliminated from the competi tion because he was beheaded by Reno’s massive throw in her caber toss performance. Reno’s very re vealing two piece thong bikini was a hit with judges; it basically had them riveted to their seats while they reached for their gag bags. Gellar’s evening gown was designed by Redi-Whip and it included straw berry pasties. Gellar is determined to make a couple of changes in the curriculum, including adding new courses such as Deconstruction of Vampire Slay ing, Sexual Manipulation, and A Hundred and One Ways to Make Your Lover Feel Loved. There is speculation that Gellar is planning to teach some of these courses herself, as her life experi ence will be valuable in demonstrat ing some of these skills. Burnt out remains of Niagara Hall FBI apprehends Behrend stu- in plot against President dent by Agent Katherine Spice staff writer Earlier this week Behrend student Gil Jordan was apprehended by FBI agents from tne Pittsburgh field of fice for conspiracy and plotting against the life of the president. It all started on March 8 when the student traveled to Washington D.C. with Assistant Professor of Political Science Dr. Robert Speel and a group of 10 students. The trip was going perfectly until the group toured the White House. The students got a spe cial behind-the-scenes tour, and ran across the President. Student Mike Frawlcy said, “The President was sin cere and genuine. He was a very nice Apparently Gil didn’t feel that way. The freshman started yelling at the president for not “Keepin’ it real!” and not treating women right. The secret service quickly pulled Gil aside and told him that if there were any more problems that he >eing taken into custody (file photo) would be in severe trouble. After that they let him go, giving him one more warning Gil didn’t take the warnings to heart. After the students returned from Washington, Gil started preach ing about his “Keepin’ it real” reli gion to anyone who would listen. He could be found in Bruno’s on Mon days and in Dobbins during lunch hours giving his sermons. The stu dents were listening. On March 25, Gil led approxi mately 50 students to an underground dojo in Lawrence Hall. The group started making secret plans to travel back to Washington to kidnap the president and “Release the demons in his head.” The students made their plans while recruiting more students during Gil’s sermons. Gil obviously didn’t know how to stay out of trouble, because on March 27 the FBI stormed Lawrence Hall searching for Gil. FBI Agents Mcully and Sulder led the raid and discovered not one, but riots 10 underground dojos all starting in the laundry room behind an incon spicuous broken dryer. All the dojos led to Gil’s room. “We will fight the ' demons that possess the President. ) We will be victorious! ” Gil screamed as the agents led him to the Police and Safety Durango to be taken to Pitts burgh for interrogation. Apparently Gil’s faithful followers didn’t believe in him as much as he thought. All 50 students have denied have any asso ciation with Gil. Will Jordan, Editor in Chief of the Beacon and Gil’s brother, has been quoted as saying, “Its all very sad, but we still love Gil. We could see it com ing though. He was prophesying about demons and Democrats from a very young age.” Agents Mcully and Sulder have told The Beacon that Gil will be held on a zillion dollar bail. Gil used his one phone call to the Beacon to tell us that he will prevail. “I will be vic torious. My followers will save me. I have seen the truth.”
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