Forest RepS Tiie can RATES OF ADVERTISING! Ooe Square, on Inch, ooe Insertion., t 100 One fvguju-, one Inch, on. month. ., 1 00 On Square, on inoh, tune months. . 6 00 Oim f quara, on inch, oaa year..... 10 OJ Iwo Square, oo ynr.... 1 00 Quarter Column, one year... ... ...... 9000 Half Column, ooe year 6 00 One Column, one year 100 00 Lal advertuwmaota tea cent par line each inwrtion. Mirriiffi and dmth notices gratis. A II billa for yearly advertisement collected quarterly Temporary advertisements mint be paid in advance. Job work cah on deliver. Fore EPIJSLlCAN U published every Wednesday, by J. E. WENK. Office In Smearbaugh & Ca'i Building " ILMBTBEET, TIONESTA, FA. Tmim, - Hl.uo lr Year. Ko sabacrlpttont received for' shorter period than throe mouths. Correspondence solicits 1 from til parts of lb country. No notloe wlU ba taken ol anonymous oommunlivuions. vol; XXXI. NO. 21. TIONESTA, PA., WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 7, 1898. SI. 00 PER ANNUM. R A If there, are any blowholes in Amer ican armor plate Spain can't prov it i. Of 6700 American war pension rs residing in foreign countries at the time of the last report, ten only re sided in Spaiu. "Billingsgate," to describe bad language, is no longer a correct term, the vooabulnry of London's great fish inartot Laving been improved by the exertions of the London City Mission. It is said that a patient in a Dela ware hospital bad thirty-one epileptio fits in two days and "apparently ex perienced no unpleasant effects from them." This seems to be a clear case of tho survival of the flttost. The London Saturday Review says: "The lesson of all our conflicts with America was that the American soldiers nud sailors shot markedly better than y' bur own and won astonishing victor ioH. It looks as if the old lesson holds good to-day." No higher tribute could be paid to a warship's crow thau that paid by Captain Evaus to the men of the Iowa: "So long as tho enemy showed his flag they fought like American sea men, but when the flag came down they were as gentle aud tender as' American wouion." In that pregnant sentence is the wholo philosophy of military horoism. The recent establishtneutof a whale oil manufactory on Notre Dame Bay calls attention to the fact that whaling is now a paying venture off the coast ' of Newfoundland. Recently seven whales, worth nearly $1000 each, were - captured by a company of Norwegian whalers. A company has been formed to carry on the industry. This ought to make tho old fishermen around Amagansett prick np their ears. Pob sibly the old shipyard of Cold Spring Harbor, which fitted out the whalers of the last ceutnry, may resume busi- -. ness. ' - - The Philadelphia Commercial Mu seum says that Porto liioo is well adapted by soil and climate not only for the growing of cotton, bnt for the manufacture of cotton fabrics as well, though for the growth of the plant it will be necessary to engage native labor or to secure help from Cuba. Of the more thau one thousand streams upon the island sixty are navigablo, and mauy of them could be utilized to furnish power, which is an important consideration, since all the coal used must be brought from this country; and all the chief towns are connected by railway, though communication with the interior is only possible by ox teams. In speaking of the recent popular war loan the Baltimore American says: Not since the wonderful alacrity with which, in July, 1871, the Freuoh peasants aud the working people of Paris wont down into their stockings and subscribed in a day (100,000,000 to meet the first installments of tho big war indemnity with which the German invader was bought ont of France, has there been so impressive a demonstration of the latent resources of a great nation, or of its patriotio confidence in Its Oovernmeut. It will be to European Governments as signi Scant a proof of the enormous re served strength of the American peo ple as all our military aud naval suc cesses put together, brilliant though they are. The wealth of a nation and . its ability to raise money within its own territory on moderate terms is a main element in its fighting capacity. More and more is the machine en croaching upon tho fields where formerly the haiedworker held full sway, says the Dry Goods Economist. This not entirely new observation is suggested by our latest advices from Paris as to fall and winter styles. It seems that trimmings of all kinds will be profusely used in costume and gar ment decorations, and that this style has been brought about largely by the dressmakers in an endeavor to bring into popularity something that could not be produced by machines. Judg ing from present reports, however, they reckoned without their host; for the modern mechanical devices are capable of reproducing even tho finest and most delicate designs wrought by the cunning hand of the seamstress or maker of embroidery. Of couise, there are some applications aud figures that cannot be made on machines; but nevertheless such a high state of per fection has been attained in tbin direc tion that there is but precious little in his line that the machine cannot re produce with a fidelity to handwork that ia startling, and so close is the imitation in mauy instauces that only the expert eye can detect the difference. W8 IN RUSTIC WAYS.' bt tux tar u'aiTTxr. rheblaokblrds whistle all day long, I rhythmlo gladness ia tbelr song: Lnd night aud niornlng down the lane Drifts by the cow-bells' rude retrain. The Oiolterdlps on golden wings, knd far across tho meadow swings; flie swallow skims In linns of grace Mke to the curves the painters trace. above, below, and everywhere i sense of living thrills the air; Iprlng's message through the silence sect, with earth and wood and sky is blent. RESCUED FROM THE TRACK. 13 y MARY A. H Eudory!" cried Mrs, Stebbins in her high nasal voice, and the clat ter of spoons in the next room stop- fed sudden-' y, after which slight assurance that she was heard, Mrs. Stebbins commanded, botween the energetic splashes of her churn: "I want you to come right out here an' put up the men's dinner an' take it down to 'em. They ain't goin' to take the time to come home, 'cause father's feet is ochin' this mornin', an' he wants to git in all the hay afore the storm. Come along now! Them spoons is going to keep." There was no answer this time either, but the door was pushed far ther open, and a girl came silently into the kitchen. Her fingers were black, as if she had been cleaning very dirty silver, and she walked over to the sink, poured some water into a tin basin aud began to wash them with a deliberate slowness which made her mother's thin lips tighten and the churn fairly hop about tho floor with the vigor of her strokes. Mrs. Stebbins could not tolerate slowness. She could not understand how it was possible for a person to be either slow or silent, and nothiug made Lor so angry as the exhibition of cither characteristic in her enly daughter a fact which I am sorry to say Eudora discovered and made use of at a very early ago. It was the only way in whioh she could, as the expressed it, "get square" with her overbearing mother, and she had cul tivated it till the slight natural ten dencies in those directions had be come aotual habits. " As she stood there now, seoming to wash and dry each separate finger by itself, she did not look like a person who would be trod npon without find ing some way to turn. She was dark, with a strong, hand some face, heavy brows that met above a very determined nose, a beautiful chin and bright, brown eyes, but the most notable thing about her was her height. Tall, taken in the ordinary sense, would not describe her, for she stood six feet one iu the lowest heeled shoes she could buy, and the neighbor declared that though over twenty she was growing yet a fact which filled her parents with pride, ber brother with envy and herself with fierce rebellion. She detested the curious looks that followed her when she went to town, the inevitable jokes about the state of the atmosphere "up where she was, ' and references to "the long and the short of it" or the probable diminutive height of the man she would marry. She was thinking of it now, as she saw how far she had to stoop to reach the basin, and the little fit of anger attendant on the thought made her even more deliberate than usual, so that at last Mrs. Stebbius broke forth in spite of herself. "You've took five minutes for every finger now," she exolaimed wrathfully. "If you wash the palms the same way, I'll be able to do the butter and git down to th' field ahid of you. If it takes all big things so long to move, I'm glad the boys didn't grow no more!" Eudora flushed and threw out tho water with a more harried motion. That last was the only taunt that ever had the least effect upon her. Then she went into the pantry ard began to cut a loaf of bread. "You better cut it all," her mother called, " 'cause there's four of them to-day pa's got Joe Sampson helpiu', too an don't forgit to leave the mustard out o' Joe's sandwiches, either. Put in lots of pickles, and take the apple pie Eu-do-ry! Do yon he-ar me?" as no sound but the rattlo of dishes came from the depths of the breezy pantry. "Yes, ma," said Eudora, shortly, and for a few minutes the churn had the floor entirely to itself. But presently Mrs. Stebbins broke out again. "What'd you get them spoons out for anyway?" she demanded. "If plated nns ain't good enough for Gns Sanderly, why he'd better stay away, that's all. He ain't no better'n my boys cr Joe Sampson. If you only wasn't so plumb cracked on height, you'd know there wasn't as much good in the hull length of him as in little Joe's thumb nail. Eu-do-ry, do you he-ar me?" MYes, ma," said Eudora, and silence reigned once more. In a moment she came out of the pantry, carrying a big tin pail full of dinner, and set it quietly down on the table. Her mother looked up to see if thore were any signs of wrath in the girl's face, but was met by the quiet blank- I SsZ ejJJ? 3 The hedge-row blossom stains the sod, The south winds make the grasses nod, And woolly lambs In awkward piny Down the green hillside amblingstray. Along the bine horizon-rim The lights and shadows link or swim, And penciled faintly on the skies . A ghostly half-moon's orescent lies. The blackbirds chant the whole daylong, A rvthmlo madness In their aonir: And dusk and dawn along the In no Echoes the oow-bells' rude refrain. Ladies' Home Journal. DICKERSON. ness that always exasperated her. "I wish you wouldn't go rouud looking like sich a graven image," she ejaculated. "You won't catoh any feller at all if you don't look out. You better make some ginger water to take down too. It's awful hot to-day, an', mind you, if you ask Gus Sanderly up to tea to-morrow; J'm goin to ask Joe Sampson too," and then nothing more was said as Eudora took down her old sun hat from behind the kitchen door and, taking the pail in one hand and the pitcher in the other, stepped slowly out into tho warm light of the glowing summer noon. When the house was hidden behind the turn of the little lane, she stopped a moment to set her burdens down. But she rose again, stretohing out her lithe young figure with a feeling of titter freedom and relief. Bne found her head well up in the low hung bows of a stanch old apple-tree, whose twigs slapped saucily at her cheeks and sent the big hat flying rakishly down over the tip of her determined nose. She gave an angry little cry, and as she disentangled herself her face flushed hotly. "That's it," she cried, "always my height my awful height! What other girl is there in this whole State who has to walk around with her head up into the trees? And it's just so every way I wish ma would be sensible about Gus Sanderly. Goodness knows I don't think he's much to brag of either, bnt can't she see he's the only fellow rouud I don't look silly with? If there was only an inch or two dif ference between Joe and me now bnt a whole foot," and as she picked up the pail and pitcher oncniore she gave a really tragio Ile groan, for Joe Sampson, the only son and heir of their next door neighbor, was gen erally acknowledged to be the hand somest, "smartest" and best young man iu the couuty, aud a devoted ad mirer of Eudora Stebbins only, and it was a very big only, too, as Eudora was the tallest girl for miles around, so he was the shortest man, measuring but five feet one in the very highest heeled boots that ho conld by any means buy or wear. Eudora had romarked after he had taken her home from a party one night that she felt very much like picking him up in her arms and telling him "not to be scared of the dark she'd carry him safe homo," anjj after that nicht sho systematically refused to walk or dance or ride with him under any ciroumstances, by daylight or by dark, so causing the poor little man great anguish of soul. He knew just as well as she did how ridiculous they looked together, and his height was even a greater cross to him thau hers was to her, but he was quite williug to sacrifice these personal feelings on the altar of his love, and he thought she might bo, too. But Eudora was firm, and drove both Joe aud her family nearly frantio by her evident preferenco for the lazy bones of the town gigantic Gus Sanderly, who allowed his mother to support him from tho proceeds of her little candy store, aud accepted the worship of silly young women as if it had been his by divine right. At present he had really done Eu dora the honor to fall slightly in love with her, and she was not at all sur prised when at the next turn of the winding country lone a tall, broad fig ure rose from the corner of the snake fenoe and, doffing its correct straw hat, came quickjy toward her. "I thought you'd be coming down to-day," he said in his soft, deep voice. '"Let me carry those things for you well, the pitcher anyway," and as she let him take it from her she looked np into his lazy blue eyos with a feeling of pleasurable relief. It was so good to be able to look up at anybody at all. He was the only person sho knew with whom she could do it, and even if he had been the worst kind of a bod fellow, which he was not by any meaus, she would have enjoyed his oompany for that reason alone. They made a magnificent pair as they walked on side by side both so straight and tall, so handsome and so healthy, and poor little Joe Sampson realized it with a sickening catch in his throat as he stopped to push his broad hat from his heated forehead aud saw them coming toward him. He had made his father very angry that morning by insisting npon going over to help the Stebbinses with" tueir belated hay instead of going into town with a load of their own, and he had done it simply because he knew the men would not be likely to leave the distant field for dinner and that in that case Eudora would bring it down to them and wait nntil they were through, to carry back the pail and cups again, and he knew from former experiences how considerate Mr. Stebbins and the boys would be about leaving them alone, and that under those circumstances, away from all prying or joking eyes, Eudora would nnbeud and talk and laugh and be sweet aud friendly with him. AW-4. Taking all this into account it is not to be wondered at that the sight of big Gus Sandorly, who was all he wished to bo and was not, walking down in close and evidently pleasant converse with Eudora should turn all Joe's thoughts to bitter ones and make his handsome eyes grow dark with anger. He was not even molified when Eu dora produced the pile of sandwiches made expressly for him, without a bit of mustard, or when she gave him the biggest quarter of the pie, and when the two visitors started to pick up the debris and journey back again to their own dinners he determined to go along with them, Eudora was in a mood that day which made this arrangement Buit her very well. She thought it would be rather amusing to see the two men glare at each other a little longer, and she even started homo by another road in order to extend the episode. You see there are some things in feminine nature which do not not need cultivation or experience they come by nature. But, contrary to her expectations, talk languished, aud when they struck tho path that led along top of the rail road cut aud the chimneys of the Steb bins honse rose up almost beside them nobody was saying anything at all. - But as they rounded a sudden curve Eudora guve a little start of surprise, "Why," she cried, "there's Daddy Hunt down on the track! llowdoyou ever suppose he got there?" Daddy Hunt was an old blind col ored man who lived alone in a tumble down hut near the railroad, refused to go to the poorhouse and would Jhave died of starvation long before had it not been for Mrs. Stebbins, who was wont to declare that she hated beggars in general, never gave them anything and hoped this one in particular would die, with the very same breath in which she asked what clothes he needed or gave him the run of her or chard or kitchen garden. The old man stood in the middle of the tracks, tapping fearfully about with his worn old cano and grasping by legs a lively and defiant chicken, who was persistently doing her best to bewilder aud annoy her present owner. "Guess he must have tumbled in," said Gus languidly, as he pointed to a place where the embankment gave evidence of a recent slide. "Hello, Daddy, where'd you steal ,that chicken?" "I didn't steal him, " replied the old man indignantly, "Mis' Stebbins just dun gib him to me, an I wisht you nns 'd come down here aud kill him. I darsen't le' go m' stick, an he gits 'two n m' legs so's I can't walk no how. Keep still dar!" And he gave the offending fowl a shake which sent it into a series of frantio squawks and strugglee. "Throw her away then, Daddy, Bhe's no good," suggeKted Gus, and the young folks laughed as the old man set np a loud aud indignant protest. But as the sound died away they turned to each other with Btrained white faces, for comiug toward them was another sound, a swiitly rushing roar that deafened every other noise about as it raug out from the nar row cut below them. Daddy heard and understood it too. "De train, de train!" they heard him cry. "Which way, which way? and he turned helplessly rouud aud round, groping iu his pitiful blind way with both stick and chicken. "To the right, Daddy, to the right," cried Gus Sanderly wildly, as he leaned down over the bank, for each one knew it was too late now to climb down and lead him safely off. . Mechanically the old man turned, his hands relaxed with fright, the chicken, felt it, made a last dash for liberty, aud as he grasped to save her tho shuttling feet stumbled, and he fell just iu the track of the advanoing train. He was up iu a momeut, but so frightened that as Gus shouted frantically at him to move, move but a yard and he would be safe, he merely turned his sightless eyes im ploringly toward the voice and stood silently facing them. Eudora saw the engine rushing round tho curve, then with a cry threw both arms before her face and sank down on the path, while Gas stood by hery motionless with fear and horror. And then, above the rush and roar aud rattle of the train, Eudora heard not the shriek of awful agonj for which she waited, but a wildly ring ing cheer, and when she looked again the cars were rushing swiftly by, and she and Gus were standing all alone upon- the bank for little Joe had vanished. "Where" sho bogan, aud then she s aw flie train had passed, and she saw him saw him lying helpless on the farther track, side by side with Daddy Hunt, and the next moment she had slid, stumbled, rolled she knew not how - down the steep bank and was bendiug over him. "It was the bravest thing I ever saw," Gus Sauderly was saying brokenly. "He jumped, you know, just as the train was almost there. He jumped right down before tho engine, aud the force of it knocked him and Daddy both safe over here. But, (ieorge it was a close shave," and the big man gazed admiringly down at the little one, who lay bruised and bat tered and almost senseless below. But old Daddy, though rather shaken was unhurt. "He uns saved my life," he admitted grumbliugly, "but 'e might 'a' been more gentle like about it 'e knocked dat ohickeu clean out'n my ban's an 'e's gone!" Eudora turned about with flashing eyes. "Daddy Hunt," she exclaimed, "if I ever hear you Bay anything like that again I'll never let ma give you auother thing. Remember now I Mr. Sauderly, you help Daddy home, I'll take care of Mr. Sampson." And this time she really and truly did lift i her little lover up into her strong young arms, and, walking down to where the cut ended, just below her own home, she disappeared from view, leaving; big Gus stricken dumb with wonder and amazement Not once did she falter. Past two grinning boys she stalked, past their curious "hired help," past her aston ished mother, never stopping till she had laid her precious burden down upon the sacred surface of the best spare bed. Then she leauod close over him with a strange new light in her dark eyes. "Joe," she said softly, "Joe, I don't think any more that it's the outside of a man that counts it's only what's in him. And and Joe I I think I'll have to marry you, after all, just to to take care of you, you know." And somehow, for all bis broken arm, Joe Sampson "came to" with astounding rapidity. Cleveland Plain Dealer. SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL. The total area of the coal fields in the world is estimated at 471,800 square miles. The eyes of the birds that fly by night are generally about doable the size of those of day birds. . Experiments have been made show ing that a dark hair will bear a weight of 112 grammes, while a blonde hair tears if seventy-five grammea are at tached. The increased use of aluminum in the arts is being reoorded constantly in the technical press, and possibly its most recent application is for print ers' type. An Australian physician, G. J. Mar tin, has expressed his conviction that it will soon be possible to procure a serum that will neutralize the poison of snakes. A product resembling common wool en yarn is now being made in Sweden from mixed peat fibre and wool in the proportion of seventy-five per cent, of the former. When subjected to great pressure wood pulp takes an extraordinary hardness. It has been found avail able as a material for paving bricks, drain tiling and conduits for electrio cables. According to the "undulatory the ory," whioh is now generally aocepted, light is the vibration, or undulatory motion, produced by a luminous body in an elastio, weightless, everywhere present medium called ether. These waves travel at the rate of 186,000 miles a second. r A scientist has discovered that elec trical currents in the form of waves rapidly succeeding one another can produce insensibility to pain and cold in the flesh, acting as an auscsthetio like ether. When the currents wefe applied to the finger and thnmb by wires the finger could be prioked with a pin without paiu. , . The Dragon Fly. No one could fail to be struck with the singularly perfect adaptation of the insect's structure to a life of aerial piracy. The four wings are large, and, in proportion to their weight, enorm ously strong. Each is supported by a wonderfully arranged network of Blen der ribs, whioh give the necessary rig idity to the thin, transparent mem brane forming its basis. The muscles by whioh the wings are moved are massive aud powerful, and are so ar ranged among themselves that the ani mal is capable of steering Its course with an unerring acouracy which any bird might envy. In this power it is largely aided by a marvelous keenness of sight; for, in addition to the two great, gorgeously colored compound eyes which make up Bo much of tho head, the insect possesses three small er "simple" eyes, making five eyes in all. The prey when overtaken is seized and devoured by means of powerful, sharply toothed jaws. An animal whioh lives such an active life naturally requires a very perfect breathing apparatus, and this is amply provided by a fcystem of holes on the sides of the body which open iuto an elaborate network of air tubes, sip plying every part of the system. The air in these tubes is constantly re newed by the regular compression and dilatation of the body by special mus cles. Chambers' Journal. Coffee la an Injurloa Drink. In auswering a correspondent in the Ladies' Home Journal, Mrs. S. T. Borer writes that sho considers "coffee, as it is usually made iu the American family strong and from the pure bean an injurious drink, especially for nervous people. No doubt the student to whom you refer can study better after taking a cup of coffee, but the new energy is caused by a stimulant, the effects of which will soon pass off, leaving him lower in nervous force. That is the reason he has headache and feels so misera ble when he is without coffee. If it in only the hot drink he requires why not take a oup of clear hot water or a cereal coffee? Children should drink cold water.'' Hed, Whit and 1(1 ua Tree. New Haven has a novel exhibition of the national colors. On one of the avennes there is a plot of land with a frontage of perhaps 800 feet and with a row of large trees extending along the entire front. These trees have all been whitewashed from the ground up to a height of maybe eight feet. Around the top of the white trunk has been laid a foot-wide band of red, then comes a white baud of the samo width, and below that a foot-wide band of blue. The bands arepaiuted on at a uniform height, aud this long unbroken liue of large trees thus painted presents a strikiug appear ance. The trees iu front of another place in the neighborhood, of less frontage, are painted in like manner. New York Sun. THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE STORIES TOLD BY THE FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. That Same Old Gate A Setback .Canaa and Effect A Substitute Intellectual Pride Mo Option Cause For Mmine Appreciated lie', the Only One, fcto There are things that can be hastened In this droll old world, we know; Ton can hurry up a dinner, You can make a motor go. You can speed a train or vessel, Horse and wheel you may control; But no plnn has been invented Which will rush a lovers' stroll. Chicago llecord. A Setback. "Father, can't I go abroad and have my voioe cultivated?" "No not for the world; it is bad enough now." Detroit Free Press. Intellectual Pride. He "I suppose it's the pride of intellect, but I can't help despising a man that knows less than I do." "I don't see what else you could do." Life. Cauae and Effect. "Doesn't Tompkins look quite oreezy this afternoon?" "Decidedly. I dare Bay his wife has been blowing him up again." Philadelphia Bulletin. A Substitute. She "I shall never marry again, bnt I think I shall adopt some orphan instead." The Rejected "Dear lady, how fortunate. I am au orphan." Fick-Me-Up. No Optlan. Barber (pausing in the mutilation) "Will you have a close shave, sir?" Victim (with a gasp) "If I get out of this chair alive I shall 'certainly consider it a very close shave." Baltimore Jewish Commont. He's the Only One. "What an exceptional person that man Bigley is?" "In what way?" "Ho doesn't seem to know anybody that just missed going on that boat which was sunk." Chicago News. Cauae For Miame. Perry Patettio "I have been on the road fer years, but I'vojiever done anything to bo ashnined j Wallace "I shouf yftuk you would be ashamed vygver doing anything. " CinoinnatiTnquirer. Womin'l Wit. Gorryman (at the mirror) "Put a monkey before the looking-glass, they Bay, and he will look behind it." Miss Sharpe "But a man knows better. He knows he won't find any thing funnier there thau the face ho sees before him." Appreciated. The Victim "Confound your im pudence! Trying to take a snap shot at me?" Amateur Photographer "I'yo got it, thanks! Much obligod for the atti tude and expression! It'll be au iu-. teresting picture, I'm sure!" Puck. Looked That Way. The Comer-Back "What has be oomo of Eillighoss? When I went away he seemed to bo a pretty big gun." The Stayer-at-Home "He dropped out of sight. I guess he was one of those disappearing guns." Ciucinuati Enquirer. Preliminary Charge. ' Doctor "I have ooncluded to go to the war as a surgeon, and as a conse quence I need all the money I can col lect." 9 Patient (examining bill) "If you charge the enemy as you have me, they will certainly retire in disorder." Boston Courier. Answering- Mechanically. Judge "And what did the prisoner say when you told him that you would have him arrested?" Complainant "He answered mo chanically, yer honor." Jftdge "Explain." Complainant "He hit mo on the head with a hammer." It W Touch. Customer "If you ever send me another piece of meat like the last one, I'll take away my custom." Butcher "What's the matter with it?" Customer "Why, it was so tough that when it was cooked I couldn't get my fork even into the gravy." He Had Forgotten. "As the immortal William once said," remarked Priuce Henry," 'there's a diviuity that shapes our ends, ongh hew them how wewill.'" "It eally, now, Heinrich," said the kaiser, as he overheard tho remark of the prince, "that is quite clever, but when did I say it?"- -Cincinnati En quirer. Adopted to the Service. Shopper "I soo there are no name plates on those bicycles." Dealer "No, they are a lot we have got out for kitchon maids and butlers." Shopper "For kitchen maids aud butlers?" Dealer "Yes. They'd be sure to break the plates, you know; so w leave them off." Boston Transcript. An Ungrateful Father. Father iu-Law "Look here, young man, don't you think it's about time you were going to work, or do you ex pect me to support you tho rest oi your life?" Son-in-Law "It would be no more than just, after what I have done for yon." Father-in-Law "I'd like to know what you ever done for nio." Son-in-Law "Why. didn't I take your daughter off your bauds?" Chi cago News. JOLLY US ALONG. When we, without or with desire, Are tangled in the law, A lawyer, then, we needs must hire To find the needful flaw. Our splendid case commands his seal (Whether 't Is right or wrong); With writ, adjournment, stay, appeal, He jollies ns alongl When we perchance have fallen sick, And fever racks or pain, Then send we for the doctor, quick, To bring ns health again. . "A marvelous easel None ere so (111" (The same old cuckoo song); With lotion, mixture, potion, pill, lie Jollies us alongl But Lawyer Sharp and Dr. Wise, Who work for needful pelf. Can never hope to take the prize When matchod with one's own self. With power or wealth or fame In sight. We struggle in the throng; While hope keeps trimmed ber luring light And jollies ns alongl Hunter MaoCulloch, la Fack. HUMOR OF THE DAY. Walter "Did you give anything to the fresh air mission?" William "Yes, I sent them a draft." Ethel "Why is Bessie bo angry with Tom?" Mae "He sent her a bunch of red and yellow roses. Softleigh "I wondah what makes mah eyes so weak?" Miss Mabel "They're in a weak place." Eife. Marie "Then you don't care to listen to soft nothings?" Ruth "Not unless they mean something." Puck. He never told his love. Later ad vices indicate that he wishes he had, instead of writing it. Cincinnati En quirer. "I guess it's nothing but an idle ru mor." "Idle? I guess not. It is the busiest old rumor that ever happened." Brooklyn Life. "I am summoned to another climb," said the bell boy as the indicator an nounced a call from the top floor. Philadelphia Reoord. Bacon "Are the flies so bad upyonr way?" Egbert "I think not. A great many of them seem to go to church Sundays." Yonkers Statesman. "Maud married a man a good deal older than she, I hear." "Older? He is twice her real age and three times her given age." Indianapolis Jour nal. "I should think that yon would hes itate about getting such an expensive present for your wife." "Not at all. If I hesitated I wouldn't get it." Life. "Come and have a quiet game ol tennis," said Johnsou. "Can't," re plied Thompson; "never could play tennis without a racket." Boston Bulletin. Jimmy "Is your aunt on yom mother's or your father's side?" Tom my "Sometimes on one and some times the other. It depends on whe is getting tho best of it. "Tit-Bits. "Tell us," cried the group oi maidens, "how to remain always young and attractive." "That is easy," re plied the sage. "Get a fortune and stay single." Indianapolis Journal. Visitor "I have locked all throngs the history and catalogue and I can not find 'Great Naval Victories ol Spain.'" Librarian "You'll find it in the fiction list." New York Jour nal. Mr. Watts "It seems queer that elephants should be so afraid of mice." Mrs. Watts "I don't see anything queer in it at all. The elephant is one of the most intelligent of quadrupeds." Cincinnati Tribune. Mr. Scrimp "My dear, I don't se6 how you had this counterfeit bill passed on you." Mrs. Scrimp "Well, you don't let me see enough real money to enable me to tell the differ ence." Harper's Bazar. Anxious Mother "How is it that you have so much trouble with your housekeeping? You told me youi wife could cook." Adult Son "She can." "Then what is the matter?" "She won't." New York Weekly. "Bobby," cried Tadley to his young hopeful, angrily, "my father used to whip me when I behaved as badly ae you are doing." "Well," answered Bobby, thoughtfully, "I hope I'll never have to tell my little boy that." Truth. "What might be your ousiness?" asked the passenger. "I am a writei of short tories, sir," replied his seat mate, with a touch of pride. "I place my work with whatever publication will accept it." "Oh, a sort of odd job feller, eh? I got a brother that makes his livin' that way, too. He is in the tinware mendin' trade." Locust Tosla. An English scientist who had been delegated by the English Government to experiment with locust toxin re ports as follows: As the inoculated locusts died they were kept aud dried and afterward having been given time to mature they were ground into pow der. A swarm of locusts, whioh were two hours in passing, went into a five acre mealio patch, and some of thes locusts were saturated with a solution from the ground-up powder and set loose again in the swarm, which s couple of days afterward was visibly affected. A little later they were all dead. If this story be true it would be diffloult to exaggerate its import ance to farmers in countries affected by the locust pest. Pathfinder. Language of Southeru Spain. In southern Spaiu language has been much degraded iu prouuueiation, aud by the admixture of gypsy and other slang; but differences go according to the provinces, not according to the rank or social position. This uniform ity of language is, as it were, the out ward aud visible sign of a certain so cial equality which prevails among the Spaniards. It is perfectly compatible with tho recognition of olllcial rank or social distinction. But this is given among the Spaniards, as it is among the ollicers of au army, without servility.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers