Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor behrco!l2 @ aol.com Battle continues unabated ERIE - The force: and evil clashed ag: day in the small tow 1 Pa. Students and ' Penn State Erie, tht College have been nonstop for the past weeks. The dispui began just befori the start of the cur rent spring semes ter when a new dean was finally ap- pointed Dean Rommel, a theater and drama major, announced his first official decision that day, cutting all funding to the school’s engineering department, thus ending all en gineering-related majors. Massiye protests were held, but the situation grew entirely out of hand when Rommel next announced his future plans with the money formerly allotted to the engineers. Rommel’s plans called for half of the newfound millions to be invested in snow removal efforts at the school. Apparently, Rommel does not like snow, so not only does he plan to salt and plow the walk ways, but the grass, fields, and rooftops, as well. The other half would go to the humanities and business de partments, making Behrend no longer a technical school, but a liberal arts college. Outraged by this decision, engineering students and faculty banded together to form a militia. Attacks be gan on the Jan. 7, the first day of the current semester. Though some students still attempt to attend class, most are involved in the combat. The School of Business has formed an alliance with the School of Humanities and Social Sciences (H&SS) in attempt to defeat the School of Engineering and Engineering Technology (SEET). Bob Simoneau, former director of SEET, was ap pointed general of the male-dominated army. Clare Porac and John Magenau, directors of the business and H&SS schools, share joint leadership in commanding the allied forces. SEET initially severely damaged the Allies’ depart ments with their surprise attack on January 7, wounding several students and professors as they reported to 8 a.m. classes It seems that most of the faculty and students in the humanities and business departments share the same sen timent, as their own army assembled by nightfall. Little structural damage was done to the Academic Building or Library, so Gen. Porac quickly dubbed these struc tures as the “Allied Fortress.” SEET’s complex includes Hammermill and Witkowski buildings, as well as their tangled web of connections to other buildings 6n the west end of campus. “It seems those engineers are serious about getting their funding back,” said Rommel. “But they cannot have it. Ido not want to see a flake of snow on this campus all winter. The Allies will fight to the bitter end.” According to former U.S. Gen. “Stormin’” Norman Schwarzkopf, SEET holds the advantage in terms of force. “The engineers are equipped with state-of-the art machinery and equipment that will allow them to build weapons of mass destruction. I’m sure some of those professors could build some heavy-duty weapons.” he said. “Unfortunately, most students lack the reading and general knowledge capacity to use the weapons ef fectively. Once the professors have built the weapons, who is going to write a clear, grammatically-correct in struction manual for the student soldiers to read? You can bet your ass those English and Communications majors aren’t going to help them now. That’s where the Allies have the advantage.” Thus far in the “Battle for Behrend,” as it is known, General Schwarzkopf’s'predictions are accurate. With the wealth of information in the library, the Allies have been fighting a much smarter war than SEET. In four weeks, SEET has not yet varied from its direct attack plan. During the first week of battle, SEET forces attempted to enter the doors of the Allied Fortress every morning at 8 a.m., but the Allies were waiting for them every time. Launching volumes of the Oxford English Dic tionary at the attackers with a makeshift catapult, the Allies knocked out many SEET soldiers and took con trol of their weapons. Both sides have made advances over the past weeks. The Allies now occupy the Reed Building, and Niagara and Perry Halls. “Reed was a great achievement for us,” General Magenau said. “Now our soldiers receive proper nutrition from the healthy meals stockpiled in Bruno’s.” SEET quickly took control of all of the engineering buildings and eventually secured the Science Building. Though they occupy more area, Allied officials believe SEET is spreading itself too thin. MIS major, Cpl. Jerod Bollard said, “It’s like playing Risk. You think you’re doing well when you conquer all these new countries, but your opponent is secretly laughing at you because you are spreading yourself too thin. “I’m a little bit worried,” commented BLASC major and 2nd Lieut. Brandon Yeckel. “Our spies from the Communications Department tell us SEET is transform ing the locomotive donated to them by GE into a tank. I hope our gunners can take it out before it takes us out. Neither the Allies nor SEET are willing to call a ceasefire and sit down to negotiations. Numbers are sketchy, but dozens of students and professors are esti- Anthony’s column will appear whenever the engineers are done kicking the crap out of him. Ryan Anthony Friday, January 25, 2002 Aldi’s Product Review By Nick Capozzoli Many students believe that the goods at Aldi’s are second rate when compared to the name brands that may be purchased at a big grocery chain such as Giant Eagle. In order to truly test a product, I feel that a side-by-side comparison is needed. Thus I chose to compare the grocery bags from Aldi’s to those from Giant Eagle. Aldi’s Giant Eagle In this category the Giant Eagle bag wins, hands down Durability This test was difficult to design because of the need to simulate the everyday activities of the average student here at Behrend, and test each bag in that manner. In this category, real world testing was performed by dropping a six-pack of “Mountain Dew” into each bag from different heights to simulate rushing out the door on the way to a party. The test bags were then thrown down an average flight of stairs to simulate falling down an average flight of _ , *, . .. stairs (you never know). Truck stop prophylactic _ Wjthstands the most punishing of abuse. Repeated drops were made with little or no visible wear. When launched from atop the stairs, slight damage was evident, but this was offset by the fizzy foam that tickled my nose when I drank the beer...er...ahh... “Mountain Dew.” An actual, real life letter from a real-life person! I just want to say that I loved Butala’s article in the new Beacon. I know some of the topics were kinda rough and 1 was surprised that Behrend even printed it, but I think it is exactly what this uptight college needs. Behrend seems to be too conservative, and if you look around many other colleges have funny (stuff) like this all the time, keep it up! Thanks, Joe. Your case of Heinie is on its way, hut we’re still working on that hooker. -Ben Mike Butala’s Wishful Thinking In a perfect world, Aldi !v would make cigarettes. | Ms | Aldi’s sells everything ex cept cigarettes, and why not? For some reason Aldi’s frowns upon the tobacco in dustry, America’s first cash crop. If Aldi’s sold ciga rettes, not only would they attract more business, smok ers would save a lot of money. Bruno the IT* • be funny to write an article Karl benacci about Bruno and his spirit being on campus for the April Fool’s issue. I wrote about the eyes on his painting moving and 100 king,at me, along with his paw prints showing up everywhere on campus. It was a big mistake. He came after me. The terror began one night last year, when I was a sophomore in room 420 A of Ohio Hall (no joke!). I had watched a Scooby Doo marathon and was tired from a long day of pole dancing practice. I woke up to a strange feeling on my neck. It felt like someone was breathing against it, and I could also feel something wet. I later concluded it was a wet nose against my neck. I slowly awakened and looked into the darkness, feeling nothing. Then 1 saw them. Two glowing eyes. At first, 1 thought it was Scooby Doo, so I asked where Daphne was. A low growl penetrated the air and I froze, realizing at that moment it wasn’t Scooby Doo or Daphne. It was Bruno. “You piece of crap!” He roared, as he tried to wrap his paws around my neck, adding, “Never mock me!” I tried to scream, but no sound came out. He leaned in close, Joe Bianco 06 MET Coming next week: CAP UNDERCOVER I have a secret to ihare. Are you ready? Don’t tell anyone. All right. Here goes... Bruno, Bchrend’s beloved dog, isn’t dead. Nope. He’s alive. It all started during >pring semester, 2000. I was the co-news editor for the Beacon and I thought it would Giant Eagle - While withstanding moderate six-pack drops, my test bag blew open faster than a truck stop prophylactic when thrown from the stairs (see Figure 2.) Abilit' This test was based upon the tendency for my friends to “bum” beers from me when I enter a party. This generally occurs before I can get the beer to the fridge. I lay the blame not ( g U| upon my friends, for they are only Another satisfied customer trying to get some sweet, sweet beer. I blame the makers of the plastic bags, for not building a bag which better conceals the products contained therein. Testing was performed by walking past Mike Butala (a known “bum”) with each bag loaded with beer, and then gauging his reaction. Aldi’s - Butala’s reaction: “What the (heck) did you buy at Aldi’s?” Giant Eagle - Butala’s reaction: “You’re my best friend!” He then proceeded to ask for a beer. Conclusions Although somewhat more expensive than the competition, Aldi’s bags are nearly indestructible, and cradle your beer in pillowy softness. I’m not saying that you can’t transport your goods in a Giant Eagle bag, but if you like your beer spilled on the stairs and stolen while you cry like a little girl, that’s your business. Recipe of the week! How to make a Behrend house party * tk By: ® en Kundman VdM 'kKT*' Ingredients: Ttss, 2 kegs of “beast” Ice **■ lOO plastic cups Jla 1 black light M fl 1 mediocre stereo system 3 cds of crappy dance music Beer pong necessities (1 ping-pong table, 2 ping-pong balls) 60 homy guys 10 girls Add 2 kegs of “beast” Ice 30 jell-o shots 50 plastic cups, Beer ponj necessities, 1 strobe light, 1 black light, 1 mediocre stereo system, 3 cds of crappy dance music, 60 homy guys and 10 girls to 1 basement. Allow 60 homy guys to soak in 1 keg “beast” ice for 1 hour. Allow 10 girls to soak in 30 jell-o shots for 1 hour. Mix 60 horny guys and 10 girls together. Add mixture to 1 keg of beast ice and stir liberally for 2-3 hours. Recipe yields: HDt 1 messy basement, 70 hangovers, 3 used condoms, and 1 unwanted pregnancy. evil and I could smell his rotten dog > which came from eating the food the eatery named after he. Hr his canines into my neck, dr; blood. After a taste, he jumpet the window, laughing, as he flo; toward the ground, his ears act as a parachute. It was all downhill from the! Bruno started stalking me. He began attending my pole dancing wearing pink spandex tights, mocking me as he shook his tail to “The Hustle,” stealing the Best New Pole Dancer award from me. What else? Bruno stole my girlfriend from me. He wore Polo and Tommy clothes and took her dancing, seducing her with his witty jokes. Heck, he even hid in the vents and spied on me during class, smiling menacingly when I peeked back to see if he was there, waving at him to buzz off. Yes, you’ve figured it out. Bruno is a vampire. When 1 learned this, I searched everywhere for his body, because I wanted to drive a stake into his heart, but I couldn’t find him. That’s when I met my sidekick. It was a hazy autumn night, last semester. Bruno had broken into my apartment and left a disgusting surprise in our beds, so I fled to the gorge and hiked to the bottom. I heard some strange sounds behind a set of trees, and to my surprise, I found a big, injured animal. It was covered in white fur and smelled like Ben Kundman. He was trapped under a tree, which I rolled off him. He smiled at me and followed me back to my apartment, where we ate Instructions: The Behrend Beacon A few Saturdays ago “Action” Jackson walked from campus to the Country Fair on Buffalo Road at 6:30 a.m. to buy smokes. After he purchased smoke o, i)C d to take a brief nap inside Country Fair, Which some may call “passing out.” Wesleyvillc police did not look too kindly upon a disheveled, intoxi cated young adult sleeping in Coun try Fair, so they arrested him for public drunkcncss at 8:15 a.m. “Ac tion” Jackson called the party he had left and received no answer, so he was forced to call his parents and have them drive 43 minutes to Erie to bail him out. Dirty Teddy and The Behrend Beacon encourage students to drink responsibly. Boozehound of the Week, ht/.y created to show what can happen when one consumes too much alcohol and makes a complete jackass out of him or herself. Send your 50-100 word nomination for Boozehound of the Week to: b e h r c o I 1 2 a o 1 .com . Note: We will not publish stories about criminal acts. If you want your name in the paper, the nomination must come from your psu personal account, if you want your pic ture in the paper, send a jpeg file along with L your story. I searched the web and leaned iny new friend was a Yeti. I fed him spaghetti and taught him how to speak broken English, and told him how tough it was to put up with Bruno and his Luckily, the Yeti swore revenge on Bruno and the two of us went to the Junker Center on the night of a full moon, poised for battle with Bruno (the Yeti has psychic ability). Bruno caught us off guard, throwing a pawful of salt into the Yeti’s eyes. I fought Bruno with all the strength I had, kicking him and punching him. The knockout punch was truly spectacular, as 1 threw an uppercut that sent mist off the dog’s wet nose. After landing against the bleachers and falling to the ground, he huddled in the comer, his tail between his legs, begging for mercy. He and I made a deal that night. Here’s how it went: Bruno promised to be nice to the Yeti and I, and also promised to invite us to his wild parties. He even offered me a great deal in the end. He volunteered to terrorize and suck the blood of anyone who made me mad, including professors who gave bad grades, mean people, and people who dislike John Stockton, Karl Malone and the Utah Jazz. I am now very happy. The Yeti lives with my roommate and me in my on-campus apartment. 1 still see Bruno every week at the local shuffle board toumament/swap meet, sporting a money clip and a pair of Timberlands, his arm around my ex girl. I usually smile and wave, knowing he has my back, Benacci’s column will next appear after he gets back from the U.S. pole-dancing championship in Salt Lake City , Utah Page 7 Housing and Food Service Boozehound of the Week PENNSWE Erie njng Lenny ii( Action” Jackson
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers