Thursday, September 6, 1990
Joe Bob grieves over banning of dwarf tossing
Governor Cuomo outlaws dwarf games, eliminating wide range of sporting events
by Joe Bob Briggs
Do you realize that, as of
about two weeks ago, it became
illegal to throw midgets around a
bar in New York State?
Governor Cuomo signed a bill
making dwarf tossing and dwarf
bowling both illegal. He wasn't
satisfied with just tossing -- he
had to add bowling to the law.
I'm surprised he didn't just go
ahead and ban dwarf
shishkabobbing, too. You know
that sport where you run a 12-
foot metal rod through the pierced
ears of five dwarves, and then you
get a guy on each end and spin
em around like pin-wheels? Some
people are so good at this, they
can get the dwarves spinning in
opposite directions.
I'll tell you one thing,
Governor. If this increases
alcoholism in the state of New
York, don't be surprised. Take
away a man's sports, and he
doesn't have a whole lot left.
Sam's Green Glass Pizzeria in
Buffalo had to cancel the big
Ruth Westheimer Weekend,
where Dr. Ruth was gonna be
bowled, tossed and juggled by an
African medicine man.
Shti itorffto's
a,? 5 * J Italian Resturant
S) J 3512 Buffalo Rd.
L-d-f Wesley ville
899-3423
**WE DELIVER OUR ENTIRE MENU**
Large Cheese & Pepperoni Pizza for
Only $ 6.99 plus tax
pennState
■Pt The Benrend
Eg CllC College
1990-91 SPEAKER SERIES
"SHAPING THE FUTURE: TAKING RESPONSIBILITY IN THE 1990 V
Dr. Martin Nemko
Author and Educator
"HOW TO GET AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION
AT PENN STATE-BEHRENP
AND OTHER STATE UNIVERSITIES"
Thursday, September 13,1990
840PJVL
Reed Lecture Hall
At the Carrier Dome in
Syracuse, more then 300
unemployed dwarves are suing
promoters who canceled the
"Wizard of Oz Midget Reunion
and Jai Alai Tournament,"
scheduled for Labor Day
Weekend. Special jai-alai rackets
had been constructed to hold the
projectile midgets. Tom Selleck
had already agreed to "launch a
few flesh balls" for charity. There
were rumors that Bruce Willis
might show up to try his hand at
the game, in which midgets
sometimes travel at speeds up to
120 miles per hour before
bouncing off polyurethane walls.
The 300 out-of-work dwarves are
seeking $2.5 million in lost
wages and "human suffering" for
being banned from show
business.
Of course, I understand why
Governor Cuomo had to do what
he did. Dwarf tossing is not
really funny. Dwarf bowling is
even less funny.
There's nothing funny about
watching a fully-grown two-foot
six midget in plaid pants slide on
his stomach like a goony bird,
flip over backwards, make a noise
like an elephant crashing through
Expires
the jungle, and then hang by his
suspenders from a hook, waiting
for the next frame.
There's nothing funny about
the famous dwarf shot-putting
contests they have in Albany,
where fat guys wedge the dwarf
into the space between their
shoulder and chin, heave with all
their strength, and try to make an
indentation in the turf with the
flailing dwarfs buttocks.
Joe Bob goes
to the drive-in
There's nothing funny about
being a Little Person.
We should remember this.
The next time you see one of
these guys on the street, show
them you care.
Paint a happy face on your
kneecap.
Dear Joe Bob:
The Communist High
Marshall censors are striking
again. I am enclosing a
newspaper review of "Die Hard 2"
(by Ryan Murphy of Knight-
Ridder News Service). This
9-12-90
There
Club
Monday,
5:30
If you have any questions please
contact David Mahoney @ 898-6452
The Collegian
Attention:
411 Studenf Organization
Presidents and Treasurers
is a mandatory meeting for
Presidents and Treasurers
Advisors are strongly
encouraged to attend!
review claims this flick has a
body count of over 320.
Naturally, I went to see it, as any
movie with over two deaths a
minute has to be good. If this
movie has 320 deaths, then I will
claim to be a father of Ugly-on-a-
Stick's baby and will marry Miss
Ugly at a time and place of her
choosing (providing it is a double
bag ceremony). As I am not
totally insane, there is no way on
God's Green Earth that any one
can count 320 dead bodies in this
picture.
Only thing I can figure out is
a dead airplane is apparently
worth 300 bodies, but the bodies
aren't shown in the wreckage. No
blood, no guts, not even a
severed limb. I only counted 15
bodies, which is not even one
twentieth the number the review
claims. Not only are the
Commies inflating the count,
they use this lie to prove that
movies are too violent. If they
have their way, the only movies
being released will be "Heidi"
remakes. What can we do to stop
these Commies?
Sincerely,
Bob Horn
Welch, Okla
September 10, 1990
p.m. - 6:30 p.m.
Reed 117
Page 11
Dear Bob:
I saw that lame claim, too.
They’re out to get us, son.
They're out to get us.
They're going after our records
first, and then they're going after
our movies.
What they don't know is that
Joe Bob is ready.
Joe Bob,
You know all the answers to
everything - right? Is it true
that when cows laugh, milk
comes out of their nose? And,
do you sweat when you swim?
If so, how do you know?
Courtney Cane
Manlius, N.Y.
Dear Courtney:
It's a myth that cows spurt
milk through their noses.
Actually, a laughing cow emits
milk from the eyeball socket
And as to sweating
swimmers, why do you think
the water keeps splashing out of
the pool, but the pool never
runs out of water ?
Good questions. Keep
studying.