Page 8
Mark talks morals
and sex education
by Mark Owens
And now for something
completely different: this week
Christine Spanos and I are
switching places. She'll try to
write something frivolous and
fluffy and I a piece of heavy,
socially conscious work; designed
to encourage thoughts of reform,
outrage and purchasing a large
firearm.
Don't panic though. This
isn't going to be one of those
long, boring accounts of an
argument I had with a friend over
diversity, unification or the right
way to make pasta salad. Rather,
Uncle Mark is going to tell you a
story.
A couple of weeks ago I
found myself on the Metro Bus
from Hell.
My car had thoughtfully
come down with some ailment
the night before. My mechanic
called it "Terminal Carboritis." I
guess the carburetor gods required
a virgin two-barrel or something.
All I know is it's going to be
expensive. Bill, my mechanic,
looked under the hood and all he
did was moan. As you know,
when mechanics moan, you
should be prepared to deliver your
first bom in payment.
Louanne tackles drugs
Dear Louanne,
Recently, my roommates asked me to
do some shrooms. I'm really kind of
nervous, because I've never done
psychedelics before. I'm worried about
health effects. Mushrooms are a natural
substance. They use them on pizza.
What kind of damage can these
mushrooms do?
Dear Curious,
Mushrooms are a hallucinogen like LSD. The
technical name is psilocybin. These mushrooms
usually come from Mexico. They can be eaten in
their natural form, in pill form, and sometimes
even smoked so Tam told.
Though psilocybin is not as potent as LSD,
it acts in the some way causing dilated pupils,
high body temperature increased heart rate and
blood pressure, sweating, loss of appetite.
But I digress. With no car, I
had no way to get to class and,
worse yet, found myself in a
dilemma. Should I take a bus to
school or sit at home, watch TV
and eat an obscene amount of
junk food?
It only took fifteen minutes
of lounging around the kitchen in
my underwear before the phone
rang and my decision was made
for me. It was my editor
wondering when the %@# A ! I was
going to get my %@# A ! into the
office and work on that %@# A !
story. As you guessed, I wound
up at the nearest bus stop fifteen
minutes later, dressed in a
fashionable sweatpant and t-shirt
ensemble.
The route six bus rolled up a
short while later (S 3 minutes and
ten seconds, but who's counting?)
and I clambered aboard. I wound
up sitting in a nice first-class bus
seat (defined as a seat next to a
window but by one of the doors
and as far away from
children as possible) with one
loud lady in front of me and an
equally noisy lady behind me.
Both were arguing about sex
education in the schools and
shouting over my head to do it.
"You have no morals,”
sleeplessness, dry mouth, and tremors. Users can
feel severely different emotions at once or swing
rapidly. Sense of self and time change. Sensation
seem to cross over. One "hears" colors and "sees"
sounds.
This can Tesult in euphoria or a "bad trip",
panic, confusion, paranoia, and loss of control. It
can trigger an onset to underlying emotional
problems such as anxiety, depression, and
psychosis.
Flash backs can occur where a person
experiences the effects later without having to
take the drug again. Heavy users of hallucinogens
sometimes develop signs of organic brain damage
-- impaired memory and reduced concentration.
Particuarly frightening is the fact that people
have committed suicide or have had tragic
accidents while under the influences.
Signed,
Curious
Personally I'd advise getting your mushrooms
from Dominoes.
snipped the lady in front of me.
"How could you let children be
exposed to such smut, you
Satanistic toadie!"
"Satanistic toadie?!?" yapped
the woman behind me. "Just
because you don't have the
courage to tell your kids about
the facts of life and maybe keep
them from getting killed!"
"What, from latex
overexposure?"
"No, from sexually
■Mv-
Ask
Louanne
The Collegian advice column
by Dr. Louanne Barton
Personal Counselor
The Collegian
Mark Owens
Love,
Louanne
The
Missin
Piece
transmitted diseases or date rape!"
Right about lure I wanted to
move to another seat. It was rush
hour though and all of the other
seats were full. I tried to hunch
down in the hard plastic seat, sort
of like a soldier digging deeper
into a foxhole to avoid large
exploding things, like shells or
officers.
Then lady in front of me
frowned even more, to the point
that the comers of her mouth
scraped her shoulders. "So,
teaching kids early all about sex
is good. Giving them the idea sex
is okay at an early age, that
promiscuity is acceptable. Well, I
think the moral fiber of today's
youth is getting better and they
won't stand for your long haired,
tye-dyed, boney-butt-"
"Boney butt! Listen you
beehive-wearing bovine - you
can't even see my butt. And I
want you to prove moral fibre
isn't weakening. Go ahead -1 dare
you."
"Fine. I will.” She looked at
the woman behind me for a
couple of minutes. I tried to
scrunch down further into the
plastic. Then her gaze, much like
a gargoyle, fell on me. I felt like
I was turning into plastic, or at
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Wednesday, April 18, 1990
least Cheez Whiz.
"Excuse me young man,"
she said. "What do you think of
sex education in the schools?"
I sat there for a couple of
seconds, wondering how I could
express myself without being
jumped from both directions by
45 year old PTA mothers. After
all, there were valid points to
both sides.
Somehow, I didn't think they
were listening to each other.
Phrases like "beehive-wearing
bovine" and "satanistic toadie"
aren't condusive to a free
exchange of ideas. Both of them
looked at me, waiting for my
reply, so I started the best way I
could. "Ummm-"
"Well," said the woman
behind me, "are you for education
and enlightenment or the Moral
Misfits?"
"Ahhh-"
"Misfits! Who do you-"
The bus was rolling into
Behrend and I breathed a sigh of
relief. They were still insulting
each other as I got off the bus. I
don't even think they noticed me
leave.
Join me and my pet zebra
mussel Ebert next week as we
present our annual beach guide,
"Made and Ebert at the Beach."