Village record. (Waynesboro', Pa.) 1863-1871, June 30, 1870, Image 1
..... . . I ' • .."' :MIS „ .4„:„..., . . ~ . - ,' . ~ . . . • . . . , • - 41. 4 40 ': . -•-, • , . ; !' '; i :'• ;. 4 , • c : .. • . . , .... , . . . 4 ,z N.. tr ...• ,:e4l.- . '''•••• f ....;',: - . _ ~. .„. .. -. . '',.i" '''.!). P' , . . p 1 ... 1, 4.. ' 1 '') ' . IlE© - O ..:... ~:,. ...,..• , .........„.„.„,, .„..,.,•„....,,.,..:„./.,...,.....____ • ~.....„....),„....,....•.,_,.„„ 4. 4 . .).. _ "'' • ' 2 y . ..-., • \ ',' ','''., ''' . ...'"5 " ,..: :: ,; 4 . 1,1: L . . . ;.;-?' •;--, • .• ' •:. ''''''''' ; - •*'•••••"--''-•,•.:, .-• .• „.. -.. . -..: ..; . A Lp ili m il isi . ..._. ? .VGZnuptirg• .....- :0 ~. •., - . --kg 4.1:-.. , :. V • i • ' in....'011' 1/61111111111 . . . ...„ ..e. . ..,. —.,..,, $p W. Stair. V OLUMR XXII. 0A 11 JUST THE THING HICII ALL MUST HAVE! "VOW is Abe time to economize when money is dll-scarce, Yon-should study your interest by supplying your wants at the first class store of C. N. BEAVER, North-east corner of the Diamond. He does business on the only successful method, viz: by buying bisgftods for cash. The old fogy idea of buying goods at high prices and wilong credits is EXPLODED. Call and examine our fine stock and don't be R-U -- I -N-E-D by paying 20 per cent. too much for your goods else where. We will chalenge the community to show forth a more complete stock of HATS, all of the very latest styles and to snit all, at C. N. BEAVER'S. • BOOTS, all kinds and prices, at C. N..BE AVE R'S. - SHOES, of every description for Men's, Ladies', Misses' and Children's wear, at C. N. BEAVER'S. CLOCKS, every one warranted ano sold by C. N. BE t VER. TRUNKS. of all sizes, the very best manufacture, also warranted and soli by C. N. BEAVER. VALISES, of every kind, also very cheap. . at C. N. BEAVER'S. HATS, for Ladies. Misses and Children, a fresh supply received every week and sold by NOTIONS, a full line as follows, sold by C. N. BEAVER. PIPER COLLARS, for Men and Boys wear, the most complete and finest assortment in town, by C. N. BEAVER. _ _ t y • C. N. BEAVER. GLOVES, for Men and Boys wear, at C. N. BEAVER'S. SUSPENDERS, for_Men-and-Boss_wear, atC. N. BEAVER'S. , • CANES AND UMBRELL AS, a cornplete stock at' C. N. BEAVER'S. BROOMS AND BRUSHES, of the very best kind, at C. N. BEAVER'S. TOBACCO, to suit the taste of all, at C. N. BEAVER'S. CIGARS, which cannot be beat, for sale. by C. N. BEAVER. SN LIFT, which we chalenge any one to excel in quaisty, for sale at C. N. BEAVER'S. INlCand PAPER, of every description, 'nt C. N. BE A VE R'S. CANDIES, always fresh too, for sale, at C. N. BEAVER'S. SPICES, for gale CRACKERS, of every kind, at C. N. BEAVER'S INDIGO BLUE, at C. N. BEAVER'S, CONCENTRATED LYE, for sate, at C. N. BEAVER'S, KEROSENE, of the very hest,—Pitts. at C. N. BEAVER'S. TAMP CHIMNIES also, at ' C. N. BEAVER'S, And many other articles not necessary to mention. We now hope that you will give us a share of your patronage. We are indeed, thankful tr you for past patronage, and hope a continuance of the same, and remain yours truly, CLARENCE N. BEAVER. Waynesboro', June 2, 1870. GROVER & BIKER FIRST PREMIUM ELASTIC STITCH FAMILY SEWING MACHINES, 495 Broadway, New York. 730 Chestnut street, Philadelphia. POINTS OP EXCELLENCE. Beauty and Elasticity of stitch. Perfection and simplicity of Machinery. Using bath threads directly from• the spools. No fastening of seams by hand'and no waste of thri ad. Wide range of application without change of ad, just went, pie seam retains its beauty and firmness after washing and ironing. Besides doing all kinds of work done by other Machines, these' Machines execute the most beauti ful and permanent Embroidery and ornamental work. tar The Highest Premiums at all the fairs and exhibitions ot 'the United States and Europe, have been awarded the Grover & Baker Sewing Ma chines, and the work done by them, wherever ex hibited for competition. fa" The very highest prize, Tun Cam OF THE Lama OF HONOR, was conferred on the representa tive of the Grover & Baker Sewing Machines, at the Exposition Universelle,Paris, 1869, thus attest ing their great superiority over all othei Sewing Ma chines. , For gab by D. W. ROBISON, Waynesboro'. NOTICE. The undersigned having , had 17 years' experience as a practical operator on Sewing Ma ,ehines vr.nitl recommend the tirover & Baler Farn ily Machine as the cheapest and beet machine fot family use. The simplicity of construction and elasticity of •stitch made by these machines are two very important points in their favor. 250,000 of these machines areto•day bearing witness to the truth of our assertions and the demand is steadily increasing. We have also shuttle machines on hand for Tally ors and Ooach•trimmers' use. Vail and see us. D. W. ROBIKIN, Main at,, Wayneabora', Pa. N:O:MtiLEkatES::::-The subscribers b e es; just received a prime lot of New Orleans Molasses a; the holidays - VOICE Sr, HOEF/403 pn ti u ' u Never despair ! the darkest cloud That ever loomed willipass away, The longest night will yield to dawn— The dawn will kindle into day. What if around thy lonely barque Break Serce_and high the waves of sorrow, Stretch every oar ! And thou wilt gain the port tomorrow. The farina knows not if his field, With flood or thought or blight must cope ; He questions not the fickle skies, But plows and sows and toils in hope. Then up ! and strivo, and dare, and do, Nor doubt a harvest you will gather; , "Tis time to labor and to wait, And trust in God for genial weather. The following description of a couple on their wedding day, to 1770, is amusing and interesting : •To begin with the lady. list locks were strained upwards over an immense cushion that sat like an incubus on her head, and -plastered-over-with_pomatum, and then sprink led with a shower of white powder. The height of this tower was somewhat over a foot. One single white rosebud lay on its top like an eagle on a haystack. Over the neck and bosom was folded a lane handker chief, fastened in front with a bosom pin rather larger than a copper cent, containing her — grandfather's miniature set in virgin gold. Her airy form was braced up in a satin dress, the sleeves as tight as the natur• al skin of the arm, with a waist formed by a bodice, worn outside, whence the skirt flow ed off, and was distended at the top of an ample hoop. Shoes of white kid, with peak ed toes, and heels of two or,three inches ele vation, enclosed her feet, and glittered with spangles, as her little pedal members peeped curiously out. C. N, BEAVER'S. Now of the swain. His bait was sleeked back and plentifully befloured, while his quene projected like a handle to a skillet.— His coat was a'sky blue silk, lined with yel low ; his long vest of white satin, embroider ed with gold lace; his breeches of the same material, and tied at the knees with pink rib bons. White silk stockings and pumps with laces and ties of the same hue completed the habiliments of his nether ileitis. Lace ruffles then clustered around his wrist, and is very portentious frill, worked in correspondenac t and bearing the miniature of his beloved, finished his truly genteel appearance.' Dr. W. W. Hall tells this true story of a man who had accumulated a fortune by bard work and unrelenting attention to business. At fifty years of age he retired home from business with an ample fortune, Before be was sixty, in. fact, in about five years he died a.degraded dranken sot Having nothing to do, time hang heavily. Being in perfect health he had a good appetite—indulged it, and sat around the house, rolled on the sofa, took ,'naps' in the day-time, and as a result did cot sleep well at night; taking but little exereige and eating heartily, he soon began to suffer from indigestion, or dyspepsia; af. ter each meal he would feel full, oppressed, uncomfortable, and to relieve himself, at the suggestion of a friend, he took a 'sip of bran dy,' he felt better, next day he took another, then, a little more, soon he took it three times a day, before meals as well as after, with the result already detailed. Thus it is that this side of heaven no man is safe from a drunk. ard's grave, except him who never takes a drop of liquor.. • It might have been thought that, fifty years of abstinence would have been a perfect guarantee against a vice so degra. ding, but it was not. Tnis Lip.—What is it ? The vision of a - day—the pleasure of an hour ; then gone, and gone forever! No, not gone forever, for man will live in rapture or in woe, as the re sult of a few years of life—a few days spent in time. How fearful the thought ! What eternal interests bang upon life's fleeting mo• men s 1 Joys eternal, or pangs interminable, and all depending on the course we take— the way we live. The most beautiful may be the most ad mired,and caressed, but they are not always the most esteemed and loved. And thus, in tut and in life, we learn that great lesson of practical wisdom, while we look upward to the stars, not to trample on the ilywers that lie at our feet. A Terre Efante (Wiens) man, who was divorced from his wife some years ago, now employs her to wait on his snood sponse at the ro of $2 per week, WAYNESBORO', FRANKLIN COUNTY:, PENNSYLVANIA, THURSDAY MORNING,. JUNE 30, 1870. 1 2 '01EVTIC7Aia. .DOPE. When fortune frowns, and summer friends, Like birds thaffifira — stormi-depart, some, if-the-heart have tropic warmth,. Will stay and nest); round thy heart. If thou. art poor, no joy is won, No good is gained by sad-repining, Gems buried in the darkened earth , May yet be gathered for the mining, There is no lot, however There is no roof, however low, But has some joy to make it glad, Nome latent bliss to soothe its woe. The light of hope will linger near, When wildest beats the heart's emotion, A talisman when breakers roar, A star upon dm troubled ocean. avillsomr_sraw -- 3z. One Hundred Years Ago No Hope for Tipplers .41.3 a Xxxclespe•33cleiat N'lstaaally .I%Tervlnalcoarser. A Strange Cat. Pat Maloney, better known by the name of Father Pat, on returning from work, ono evening, was met at the gate by Biddy, his better half, in a high state of excitement. 'Pat,' says she, 'there's a - strange eat in the cabin.' Cast her out, thin ; &et - ye - be - a bother in' me about the baste.' !Faith, an' I've been, striven' to do that for the matter of do minim past, but she is beyant my reach, behind the big red chief in the corner. Will yea be after helpin me to drive her out, Pat ?• 'ro'be sure I will; bad luck to the cousate she has for me house. Show her to me, 1 Biddy, till I teach her the respect that's due - to - a-ma. •.• • -e—to be taken •os session without so much as by yer lave—t thief of the .world !' , arid - lever - let pass-an-opportunity_to_kilLone.._ This he resolved to do in the present ease, and instantly formed a plan for the purpose. Perceiving but one way of egresss for the animal, he says to Biddy : 'Have yez iver a male bag in the house me darlint P ivil a one is there, Pat. Yea took 'it - e - mill-wid-yez,to-hritig home chips this morning. • • 'Path, an' I did, and there is it yet Wit. An' have ye nothin' at all in the house that will tie up like a bag, Biddy ?' 'Troth, an' I have, Pat. There's me Sun day petticoat—ye can draw the strings up close at the top, and sure it will be be better _lettinLthat cat•lavin' .e.' 'Biddy, darlint ye're a jewel; just be after bringing it to me at wanst.' Biddy brought the garment, and sure enough it made a good substitute for a bag. Pat declared at a glance that it was 4ille gant. So, holding it close against the edge of the chest, he took a look behind, and saw a pair of eyes glaring at him, 'An' is it there ye are, ye devil ? Be out o . 7=thaknow,-bad luok._to yes_ye thavin' vaga- bone. Be dad an ye won'flave ac ail — with perlite axin'—yerself will bate the pigs in• tirely. Biddy, have yez any hot wather 'Saxe I've the fall o' a tay kettle, all, a billia Pat.' Be after castin' the matter of a quart this behind the chist and we'll see how the baste minds the like o' eat.' 'Howld close - thio f here-goes-tho_steamio'_ hot wather! So saying, dash went the water and our came the animal into Pat's trap. 'Arrah, be the holy poker, I have him sow—Biddy. Is it nine lives ye have, ye baste ? Well now be rain me pardon for all the thavin' ye've been doin' in my house, or it's nine lives will not save ye. Biddy saze howld o' the puker ' and whilst I shoulder the bag, jig whack the daylight out o' the haythin divil intirely. Pat threw the bundle over his shoulder and Biddy struck about three blows to the tune of St. Patrick's day in the morning, when sbe suddenly stopped. 'What smells so quair, Pat? Sure it's takin away the breath of me with the power of it. Ob, murther, Pat it's the divil ye have in the sack !' 'Bate him, this—bate the •borne off 'l'm faintin'—caat him off ye, Pat.' 'Och, murther I murther I Biddy Maloney what have ye done? You've went and mis taken a hurrible pole•eat fur a hareuraless tame oat 1' - Tat, for the love o' me, if you're eon va&ent to the door unclose it, for I'm per. isbt intirely. Oh, Biddy Malonely, that ever ye should have left ould Ireland to be smothered and murihercd.in this way l' ' 'Faith the little villian beats the divil self; be's ruined me house and kilt Biddy, an' put me all out of connate wid ruo own self. Oh, ye murtbern baste .' Bs dint of washing and scouring and air. ing,'ind the burial of Biddy's best petticoat under the ground for a space of time, things were at length set to right again. lint not a little recriminating took place on the occasion, and, neither of them ever forgot the expulsion from the cabin of Bid dy's 'strange 050 As all young ladies desire to be considered beautiful, we publish the fallowing recipe, for accomplishing that desired end ; How to be beautiful when old I can tell you maiden fair— Not by lotions, dyes, and pigments:. Not by washes for the hair. While you're young be pure and gentle I Keep your passions well coutraled, Walk, work and do your duty, You'll be handsome when you're o:d. Snow white locks are fair as golden, Gray as lovely as the brown, And the smile of age more pleasant Than a youthful beauty's frown, 'Tis the soul that shapes the features, Fires the eye, attunes the voice; Swett sixteen, be tease your maxims. When you're sixty you'll rejoice. -I think the judgments formed at night are never so tolid and fresh as judgments formed in the morning, It in the morning a man is without charity, if, ho is despoil. dent, if he is dull, if be is•nnnerved, you may be sure that he is living wrong. For the order of nature is that a man should rise from his bed in the morning as birds rise, singing, and ict perfeot'healtb. I would say to every young person whom it concerns —form, if it is a possible thing. .the habit of doing your duty in the day time, and reserve your night for lighter tasks, and keep early hours with your bed.— Beecher, Mothers used to provide a switch for their daughters from the nearest bush; now the daughter geMvziler own switches from the hairdressers, Mal anti iatb . to eats Late Hours. Bev. Henry Ward Beecher preached April 24th, on 'Late Hours' and the 'Unfruitful Works of Darkness,' and in the course of his sermon said : .11 you want to.make the ruin of. a child 11133 give him liberty after - dark. You can not do anything nearer to insure damnation than to leave him at liberty to go where he will without restraint, After dark he will be sure to get in communication with people that will undermine all his good qualities. I do not like to speak to parents about' their children, but there are thousands who think their child cannot do wrong. Their child will not lie, when his tongue is like a bend ed, bow; he will not drink, when there is not a saloon within a mile of his father's house, w ere eis nut as well . ...an as-ono of its- own decanters, he never does iniquitous things, when he is reeking in filth. Nine teen out of every twenty allowed pert - not free dom atnight wilfbe wounded by it. There is nothing more important than for a child to be at home at night; or it he is abroad, you should be with him. If he is to see any sights or take any pleasure, there is nothing that he should see that you should not see with him. It is - not merely that the child should be broken dos n, but there aro thoughts that clever ough - t - tu find a pas Bag• into a man's brain. As as eel, if he wrig files across a carpet will leave his slime, which no brushing can ever efface, so there are thoughts that can never be got rid of, once permitted to enter; and there are individuals going around with obscene books and pie tures under the lappels of their coats, that will leave ideas in the mind-of-Your-child that can never be effaced. There are men who have heard .a salacious song, and they never can forget it. They will regret having learned it to the end of their lives. Ido not believe in a child's seeing life, as it is called, with its damnable lust and wickedness, to have all its imagination set en fire with the flames of hell. Nobody goes through this fire but they are-burned;burnedburned-; and they • can never get rid of the scars.' A PERPLEXING EXPERIENCE.— A friend of mine whom I met in Charleston, a Turk ish. Nestorian, was smoking in the forward ear when a very elegantly dressed young lady of complexion about as light as his own, en tered the oar and took her seat. She was so refined in her dress and appearance that he supposed that she had wades mistake, and gallantly suggested to her that ,the ear would be more agreeable, when she slated that her color, not perceptible to a stranger, prevented her entering there. He conversed with her, and found her intelligent and edu cated. She was the daughter of one ofthe wealthiest men of South Carolina, Ile was that evening publicly ridiculed at the hotel for talking to a 'nigger girl,' by men who would have done well had they shared her refinement. A few days afterward, remem. berinß the-incident, and seeing a lady of, ap parectly mixed blood in the first-class car, he thought she had made a mistake, and to save anything that might wound her feel ings, he politely suggested to her to change to the forward, second-class oar. She color ed up, highly insulted, and, calling bet hus band from outside, screamed, 'This man'calls me a nigger !' The husband got into a tow ering rage, and came near laying violent hands on my poor innocent friend. He was only restrained by some passengers, who ex plained his position as a foreigner unacquaint. ed with American peculiarities.—Lippirt. con's Magazine. A few days before the adjournment of the last session of the Legislature of North Caro lina, a wealthy conservative from a distant portion of the State, happened to be in Ral eigh, paid a visit to the capitol. Taking .a seat in the lobby of the Senate chamber, he meditated on the degeneracy of the times which permits colored,tneo to hold seats in that body. He was roused from his reverie by a colored Senator, who arose, and in the course of his remarks used the familiar quo tation from the 137 Psalm, 'Let my right hand forget her cunning,' etc. He could contain himself no longer, and, turning to a friend, said : 'lsn't it disgusting to bear snob an 'goo ramus attempting to quote Shakspeare?' A Michigan constable, from whose caste 'day a prisoner had escaped with only a shirt on, while in search of the convict, was told by one of his neighbors that there had ap peared at the house of the latter, during the night, an individual who was stark naked and who refused to give any account of himself. The neighbor further said that the stranger was Still in his house, and might yet be taken. The constable flew around, go; his hand cuffs, and rode np, to, the widence of his in• formant, to find that the lady of the house had given birth during the night. to a very fine baby. 'Why,' said Miss Anna Diokinson, on one occasion, stopping forward to: the foot lights end commencing a lecture with a lofty flight of eloquence. 'Why was I born?' She paused, and a thrill ran through the audience. Again the rich tones of the win some woman 'rolled over the expectant people as she repeated the question, 'Why was I born ?' And again she panted, that the due impression might bo made upon her heaters before she answered hor own question.—. 'Why was I born ?' she asked once more in , touching and almost painful accents, when a wicked boy itr tbe gallery shouted, '1 give it up r The following will be exceedingly useful, snit tells bow to get of atumpsl Bore a hole in the stump with an anger; MI it full of petroleum and let it stand four days. Then set fire to the stump and it will burn out like the wiok of a ortodle. This has been Ruccesefully tried by a reliable ag• rioulturist. [From the Cincinnati Commercial High Time in a Sleeping Car• About midnight, when we were either lost' in sleep or droppiog away, a fearful soseam that made the blood curdle broke upon our startled ears. This wild yell came from a female throat, and was followed by cries of I 'Oh I stop him; '[Told let him go,' and the wildest confusion ensued. All the men sprang to their feet, and all the We. men, screamed. Running along the passage', way; I found a woman clinging to a male specimen of humanity and begging him to go to bed, and learned through a great deal I of incoherent exclamation, that the man was a sleep-walker. 'Oh, James, do come back to bed; do waken up—please do L' she cried piteously husband. 'No, you're not. That is the way go out and get killed —Won't-somebody—stop—the- ways answers, an, under - tlie - cars train ?'' 'Come, come, my good fellow, waken up, wakun up,' roared the stout mac shaking the supposed sleep walker so violently by the shoulders that he must have had a free ad. * mission to the fire works. In this he was 'assisted by our . Kentucky friend, who- ap• Pearttl-in-a-fearful-snit-of-red—flaurtelTh was too much for the afflicted wan, charged with the crime of somnambulism. He went to fighting—shaking the stout man off with such force that corpulence went down in a sitting 'position, and hitting Red flannels io the stomach. Blazes disappeared from sigbt through the curtains of _a section from -w-hence-other-female-screams-went up, and unmistakable eviOeoces of a general engage ment. The slo ikr mfr lii'is Al with- 4e sleelFwallovaft - erwhipping a, in reach, explained that he had got tip with no intention to walk in his sleep, but to get a drink of water; but, being given to som nambulism, his wife had taken ' the alarm, and with this information he. retired to his -eaucli-in-it--very-salky—manner, Our Keif. - lucky friend come tumbling from the section he-bad-invaded, -with-h is- face-scratched,--his- red flannel shirt torn, and giving evidence of having suffering from an encounter. He told me nest day that when he raided in on the bed he rolled over "a fat woman into the arms of a thin one, who went at him tooth and nails, to the groat damage of hia under• clothes and countenance. Miss OTeal has-answered the—ohap--who called her,‘,Darling; -sweet,' and all that.— Here it is : 'Oh ! you say you are lonely without me, that you sigh for one glance of my eye; you're blarneying always about me—Oh why don't you to papa apply 7 You men are so very dsoeiving, I can't believe aught that you say; your love I will only believe in, when jointure is made 'This trash about eyes, voicmad glancing may do for a miss in her teens; but be who to me make advances must talk of his bank stook and means. You beg , of me to go galivating, to meet you at the foot of the , lan e—with a kiss too why man you're ranting !do you think I am wholly insane Wh . en you woo a lady of sense, sir, don't whine about sorrow and tears, its a matter of dollars and cents sir, no tale of romance interferes. Oh ! poverty is not very tunny (my style I'll not try to conceal it,) I can't get a husband with money, I'll live and die Nora O'Neal. Josh Billings thus speaki of a new agri• cultural implement, to which the attention of farmers is invited : Joho'ltogers' revolv ing, expanding, uncerimonious, self. adjust ing, self-contrakting, self•rharpeuing, self greazieg, and self-righteous boss rake iz now and forever offered to a generous publik.— These rakes are az eazy to keep in repair az a hitching post, and will rake bp a paper of pins sowed broad kast in a ten aker lot of wheat stuble. Theze rakes kao be used in winter for a hen roost or be sawed up In stove wood for the kitchen fire. No farmer ov good moral karakter should be without this rake,even if he has to steal one. During the trial of a case in a city court, lately, a witness .persisted .in testifying to what his wife told him. To this, of course, the attorneys objected, and it was ruled out by the judge. He would proceed again to telUshust how it vas,' when the attorney would sing out, 'How do you know that ?'— 'My vife tole me,' was the answer. This was repeated several times. Presently the judge, unable to contain himself tiny longer, inter. rupted—'suppose your wife was to 101 l you the heavens had fallen, what would you think ?' 'Veil, I'd fink dey vas down.' A man in New Orleans accidentally swat. lowed six false teeth last week, and now he bolts has food right down, in lumps, and chews it after it reaches 6ij stomach. He says be is satisfied, because he can go clear through thubill of fare and get back to busi ness before the other boarders,get their pow toes mingled properly with the gravy. He likes it first-rate, and he has taken out a patent for the principle. state and county rights for eato. There once lived in a village not more than. three hundred miles west of New York, a certain tradesman who had a large family, and little quasi:res.' were continually, being added to his board., One : day one of his lit. de boys happened. to be in. a store, and was thus interrogated by a young man present : 'John, how'many brothers and. stater have you got ?' don't know,' nvis4ered t h e buy, hain't been home since morning,' One roan reprimanding another, said that he talked like a fool. 'True,' he replied; 'but it is that you may understand me., . Whoever owes his shoemaker caul soy that , his sole is his.owa. . '612.00 aupori "velar TEACHING A DUTCUMAN.--A Dutdbman lately left 'Austin for While Pine with some; thing less than a cart load of provisions, tools, and blankets, carrying them. on his. boot.---' Oa his arrival, not meeting with any succese at tratie,. be took on a big disgust snd left, rt , for Austin, oarryin with him his stock in trade. On his wa home a Mao iiriving ait empty vvagoo ove ook him, and seeing him' so heavily loaded, asked him it• he would get in and ride. 'No, 14 'gosh !' watt hissauswer. • 'But,' sal& the -teamster, 'my wagon is empty : and you are perfectly .welootue 'No, py gosh !' replied he. I learns dis Di - nehmen some tings !. 1 learns hiM to go to Vite Pines ! carries these ,plaukets, py tam !' be other• day some ladies were otit—Vist---- There being a little two•year•old pres. not kiss h-er. He answered, 'No' 'What is the reason you will cot kiss me?' 'l'm too little to kiss you. Papa will kiss you; Papa kisses all the big girls. ' Ile was permitted to play with his toys. The best and most (*Delusive reason for an e ; ect we ever rewew was given by a Dutchman in reply , ,to a friend who remarked, 'Why Hans, you have the most feminine east of. countenance I have ever seen.' 'Oh, yaw,' was the reply, know the reason for dat—ni9 mother was a woman.' A countryman from lodinna was in Cin cinnati a low nights since, and thought it would be smart to accost a nolo eel damsel on d►e-street. She-struck him a stunning blow under the chip, and walked off majestically saying, 'Who sez do colored troop didn't fought nobly ?' MEDICAL ADVICE —'Doctor doctor "said a conceited coxcomb to a distinguiehod phy eician, during the prevalence of an epidemic, does- the - fever=affect-_theihigher_orderti-P.-- .No,' replied the M. D, 'but it's death on tools, and you d better leave the city imme• diately,' A Countryman in a factory bet the engi neer-a dollar that he oould seize the flywheel and hold it. lie seized it and was. piked up on a'pile of bricks outside the building, with a window sash for neck tie. SOMETHING TO TAKE4- , --eViii ytrit dalie snmding?' said a teetotaler to a friend, when standing near a tavern. don't care if I do,' was the reply. 'Yell,' said Frank, 'let's dake a vita' riaThtumwa, lowa, a nice young—inaa pa% a sheet around him to scares Dutchman. Some one asked the young man afterward what ailed his black eye, and he said he had received bad news from Germany. P P— A couple were married leormtly., is Troy. The groom paid the minister two dollars for his services, and then walked off with the latter's silk hat, leaving his old phig is its —• Virgioia negro cocked a gun anclAiblew down the muzzle to see if it was loadetr. fie didn't state his conclusion, but the by -stand. era who saw his head fly off, think that it was. One of the gentler sex says that the heaven of the etrong•iainded women is 'where buttons grow in their proper plasm', and men ;cease from bothering, and needles aro at rest.' 'I say,' said a Yankee to an Irishman who was digging in a garden, 'are you digging a hole in that onion bed ?' 'No,' said Pat, 'l'm digging out the dirt and leaving the hole!. A Belgian was recently hung by mistake. in Burges, and, as a slight recompense to his wife, the generous-hearted government has accorded her free permission to beg. 'Sam, why don't you talk to massai and tell him to lay up de treasures is Heaven ?' 'What de use ob him laying treasures dar k where he never see um again ?' 'Woman is a delusion r eralaimed a Calf•- ty old bachelor to a witty young lady. 'And • man is always hugging some delusion or Oth er,' was the quick reply. , 'Much is said in these days of woman's. sphere Is it not true that her principal tear is that ehe will not get married. , A benevolent gentleman has discovered that in forty years a sauff•taker devotes twen ty:lour months to blowing his nose. 'What is the digermice between ao falling, star and a fog ?:' One is missed in heaven, and the other is mist on earth. A man at Atlanta, Ga., recently, who. sleeps with his rituuth open, bad his false teeth stolen by an adroit'thiee To ogre a bachelor's aoheer—earry to the patient seventeen yards of silk, with a woq. man in it. • If you wish to see a woman go off like a flash, just accuse her of using. powder. In Pike County, Ohio, they have found. what they call a 'white Week make Warm but not woolly—The mittens some. times given , geutlemen b 7 the ladies. The mosiory of good ttoions is the ohm light of the eons, What kind of Alikhitaa.4*llatigeron. A.safe robbery, .ortt#ll..', , • MIIBER 61 ~': ~_~