..... .
.
I ' •
.."' :MIS „ .4„:„...,
. . ~ . - ,' . ~ . .
. •
.
. .
, •
- 41. 4 40 ': . -•-, • , . ; !' ';
i :'• ;. 4 , •
c : .. •
. . , .... , . . .
4 ,z N.. tr ...•
,:e4l.- . '''•••• f ....;',:
-
. _
~.
.„. .. -.
.
'',.i" '''.!).
P' , . . p 1 ... 1, 4.. ' 1 '')
' .
IlE© - O
..:...
~:,.
...,..•
,
.........„.„.„,, .„..,.,•„....,,.,..:„./.,...,.....____
•
~.....„....),„....,....•.,_,.„„
4. 4 .
.).. _
"'' • ' 2 y . ..-., • \ ',' ','''., ''' . ...'"5 " ,..: :: ,; 4 . 1,1:
L . . .
;.;-?' •;--, • .• ' •:. ''''''''' ; - •*'•••••"--''-•,•.:, .-• .• „.. -.. . -..: ..; . A
Lp ili m il isi
. ..._.
? .VGZnuptirg• .....-
:0 ~. •., - . --kg 4.1:-.. , :.
V • i • ' in....'011' 1/61111111111 . . . ...„ ..e. . ..,. —.,..,,
$p W. Stair.
V OLUMR XXII.
0A 11
JUST THE THING
HICII ALL MUST HAVE!
"VOW is Abe time to economize when money is
dll-scarce, Yon-should study your interest by
supplying your wants at the first class store of C.
N. BEAVER, North-east corner of the Diamond.
He does business on the only successful method,
viz: by buying bisgftods for cash. The old fogy
idea of buying goods at high prices and wilong
credits is
EXPLODED.
Call and examine our fine stock and don't be
R-U -- I -N-E-D
by paying 20 per cent. too much for your goods else
where. We will chalenge the community to show
forth a more complete stock of
HATS, all of the very latest styles and to snit all,
at C. N. BEAVER'S. •
BOOTS, all kinds and prices,
at C. N..BE AVE R'S.
- SHOES, of every description for Men's, Ladies',
Misses' and Children's wear,
at
C. N. BEAVER'S.
CLOCKS, every one warranted ano sold
by C. N. BE t VER.
TRUNKS. of all sizes, the very best manufacture,
also warranted and soli
by C. N. BEAVER.
VALISES, of every kind, also very cheap. .
at C. N. BEAVER'S.
HATS, for Ladies. Misses and Children, a fresh
supply received every week and sold
by
NOTIONS, a full line as follows, sold
by C. N. BEAVER.
PIPER COLLARS, for Men and Boys wear,
the most complete and finest assortment in town,
by C. N. BEAVER.
_
_
t y • C. N. BEAVER.
GLOVES, for Men and Boys wear,
at
C. N. BEAVER'S.
SUSPENDERS, for_Men-and-Boss_wear,
atC. N. BEAVER'S.
, •
CANES AND UMBRELL AS, a cornplete stock
at' C. N. BEAVER'S.
BROOMS AND BRUSHES, of the very best
kind, at C. N. BEAVER'S.
TOBACCO, to suit the taste of all,
at C. N. BEAVER'S.
CIGARS, which cannot be beat, for sale.
by C. N. BEAVER.
SN LIFT, which we chalenge any one to excel in
quaisty, for sale
at
C. N. BEAVER'S.
INlCand PAPER, of every description,
'nt C. N. BE A VE R'S.
CANDIES, always fresh too, for sale,
at C. N. BEAVER'S.
SPICES, for gale
CRACKERS, of every kind,
at C. N. BEAVER'S
INDIGO BLUE,
at C. N. BEAVER'S,
CONCENTRATED LYE, for sate,
at C. N. BEAVER'S,
KEROSENE, of the very hest,—Pitts.
at C. N. BEAVER'S.
TAMP CHIMNIES also,
at ' C. N. BEAVER'S,
And many other articles not necessary to mention.
We now hope that you will give us a share of your
patronage. We are indeed, thankful tr you for past
patronage, and hope a continuance of the same,
and remain yours truly,
CLARENCE N. BEAVER.
Waynesboro', June 2, 1870.
GROVER & BIKER
FIRST PREMIUM
ELASTIC STITCH
FAMILY
SEWING MACHINES,
495 Broadway, New York.
730 Chestnut street, Philadelphia.
POINTS OP EXCELLENCE.
Beauty and Elasticity of stitch.
Perfection and simplicity of Machinery.
Using bath threads directly from• the spools.
No fastening of seams by hand'and no waste of
thri ad.
Wide range of application without change of ad,
just went,
pie seam retains its beauty and firmness after
washing and ironing.
Besides doing all kinds of work done by other
Machines, these' Machines execute the most beauti
ful and permanent Embroidery and ornamental
work.
tar The Highest Premiums at all the fairs and
exhibitions ot 'the United States and Europe, have
been awarded the Grover & Baker Sewing Ma
chines, and the work done by them, wherever ex
hibited for competition.
fa" The very highest prize, Tun Cam OF THE
Lama OF HONOR, was conferred on the representa
tive of the Grover & Baker Sewing Machines, at
the Exposition Universelle,Paris, 1869, thus attest
ing their great superiority over all othei Sewing Ma
chines. ,
For gab by D. W. ROBISON, Waynesboro'.
NOTICE.
The undersigned having , had 17 years'
experience as a practical operator on Sewing Ma
,ehines vr.nitl recommend the tirover & Baler Farn
ily Machine as the cheapest and beet machine fot
family use. The simplicity of construction and
elasticity of •stitch made by these machines are two
very important points in their favor. 250,000 of
these machines areto•day bearing witness to the
truth of our assertions and the demand is steadily
increasing.
We have also shuttle machines on hand for Tally
ors and Ooach•trimmers' use. Vail and see us.
D. W. ROBIKIN,
Main at,, Wayneabora', Pa.
N:O:MtiLEkatES::::-The subscribers b e es; just
received a prime lot of New Orleans Molasses
a; the holidays - VOICE Sr, HOEF/403
pn ti
u ' u
Never despair ! the darkest cloud
That ever loomed willipass away,
The longest night will yield to dawn—
The dawn will kindle into day.
What if around thy lonely barque
Break Serce_and high the waves of sorrow,
Stretch every oar !
And thou wilt gain the port tomorrow.
The farina knows not if his field,
With flood or thought or blight must cope ;
He questions not the fickle skies,
But plows and sows and toils in hope.
Then up ! and strivo, and dare, and do,
Nor doubt a harvest you will gather; ,
"Tis time to labor and to wait,
And trust in God for genial weather.
The following description of a couple on
their wedding day, to 1770, is amusing and
interesting :
•To begin with the lady. list locks were
strained upwards over an immense cushion
that sat like an incubus on her head, and
-plastered-over-with_pomatum, and then sprink
led with a shower of white powder. The
height of this tower was somewhat over a
foot. One single white rosebud lay on its
top like an eagle on a haystack. Over the
neck and bosom was folded a lane handker
chief, fastened in front with a bosom pin
rather larger than a copper cent, containing
her — grandfather's miniature set in virgin
gold. Her airy form was braced up in a
satin dress, the sleeves as tight as the natur•
al skin of the arm, with a waist formed by a
bodice, worn outside, whence the skirt flow
ed off, and was distended at the top of an
ample hoop. Shoes of white kid, with peak
ed toes, and heels of two or,three inches ele
vation, enclosed her feet, and glittered with
spangles, as her little pedal members peeped
curiously out.
C. N, BEAVER'S.
Now of the swain. His bait was sleeked
back and plentifully befloured, while his
quene projected like a handle to a skillet.—
His coat was a'sky blue silk, lined with yel
low ; his long vest of white satin, embroider
ed with gold lace; his breeches of the same
material, and tied at the knees with pink rib
bons. White silk stockings and pumps with
laces and ties of the same hue completed the
habiliments of his nether ileitis. Lace ruffles
then clustered around his wrist, and is very
portentious frill, worked in correspondenac t
and bearing the miniature of his beloved,
finished his truly genteel appearance.'
Dr. W. W. Hall tells this true story of a
man who had accumulated a fortune by bard
work and unrelenting attention to business.
At fifty years of age he retired home from
business with an ample fortune, Before be
was sixty, in. fact, in about five years he died
a.degraded dranken sot Having nothing to
do, time hang heavily. Being in perfect
health he had a good appetite—indulged it,
and sat around the house, rolled on the sofa,
took
,'naps' in the day-time, and as a result
did cot sleep well at night; taking but little
exereige and eating heartily, he soon began
to suffer from indigestion, or dyspepsia; af.
ter each meal he would feel full, oppressed,
uncomfortable, and to relieve himself, at the
suggestion of a friend, he took a 'sip of bran
dy,' he felt better, next day he took another,
then, a little more, soon he took it three times
a day, before meals as well as after, with the
result already detailed. Thus it is that this
side of heaven no man is safe from a drunk.
ard's grave, except him who never takes a
drop of liquor.. • It might have been thought
that, fifty years of abstinence would have been
a perfect guarantee against a vice so degra.
ding, but it was not.
Tnis Lip.—What is it ? The vision of
a - day—the pleasure of an hour ; then gone,
and gone forever! No, not gone forever, for
man will live in rapture or in woe, as the re
sult of a few years of life—a few days spent
in time. How fearful the thought ! What
eternal interests bang upon life's fleeting mo•
men s 1 Joys eternal, or pangs interminable,
and all depending on the course we take—
the way we live.
The most beautiful may be the most ad
mired,and caressed, but they are not always
the most esteemed and loved. And thus, in
tut and in life, we learn that great lesson of
practical wisdom, while we look upward to
the stars, not to trample on the ilywers that
lie at our feet.
A Terre Efante (Wiens) man, who was
divorced from his wife some years ago, now
employs her to wait on his snood sponse at
the ro of $2 per week,
WAYNESBORO', FRANKLIN COUNTY:, PENNSYLVANIA, THURSDAY MORNING,. JUNE 30, 1870.
1 2 '01EVTIC7Aia.
.DOPE.
When fortune frowns, and summer friends,
Like birds thaffifira — stormi-depart,
some, if-the-heart have tropic warmth,.
Will stay and nest); round thy heart.
If thou. art poor, no joy is won,
No good is gained by sad-repining,
Gems buried in the darkened earth ,
May yet be gathered for the mining,
There is no lot, however
There is no roof, however low,
But has some joy to make it glad,
Nome latent bliss to soothe its woe.
The light of hope will linger near,
When wildest beats the heart's emotion,
A talisman when breakers roar,
A star upon dm troubled ocean.
avillsomr_sraw -- 3z.
One Hundred Years Ago
No Hope for Tipplers
.41.3 a Xxxclespe•33cleiat N'lstaaally .I%Tervlnalcoarser.
A Strange Cat.
Pat Maloney, better known by the name
of Father Pat, on returning from work, ono
evening, was met at the gate by Biddy, his
better half, in a high state of excitement.
'Pat,' says she, 'there's a - strange eat in
the cabin.'
Cast her out, thin ; &et - ye - be - a bother
in' me about the baste.'
!Faith, an' I've been, striven' to do that
for the matter of do minim past, but she is
beyant my reach, behind the big red chief in
the corner. Will yea be after helpin me to
drive her out, Pat ?•
'ro'be sure I will; bad luck to the cousate
she has for me house. Show her to me,
1 Biddy, till I teach her the respect that's due
- to - a-ma. •.• • -e—to be taken •os
session without so much as by yer lave—t
thief of the .world !'
,
arid - lever - let pass-an-opportunity_to_kilLone.._
This he resolved to do in the present ease,
and instantly formed a plan for the purpose.
Perceiving but one way of egresss for the
animal, he says to Biddy :
'Have yez iver a male bag in the house
me darlint P
ivil a one is there, Pat. Yea took 'it
- e - mill-wid-yez,to-hritig home chips this
morning. • •
'Path, an' I did, and there is it yet Wit.
An' have ye nothin' at all in the house that
will tie up like a bag, Biddy ?'
'Troth, an' I have, Pat. There's me Sun
day petticoat—ye can draw the strings up
close at the top, and sure it will be be better
_lettinLthat cat•lavin' .e.'
'Biddy, darlint ye're a jewel; just be after
bringing it to me at wanst.'
Biddy brought the garment, and sure
enough it made a good substitute for a bag.
Pat declared at a glance that it was 4ille
gant.
So, holding it close against the edge of
the chest, he took a look behind, and saw a
pair of eyes glaring at him,
'An' is it there ye are, ye devil ? Be out
o . 7=thaknow,-bad luok._to yes_ye thavin' vaga-
bone. Be dad an ye won'flave ac ail — with
perlite axin'—yerself will bate the pigs in•
tirely. Biddy, have yez any hot wather
'Saxe I've the fall o' a tay kettle, all, a
billia Pat.'
Be after castin' the matter of a quart this
behind the chist and we'll see how the baste
minds the like o' eat.'
'Howld close - thio f here-goes-tho_steamio'_
hot wather!
So saying, dash went the water and our
came the animal into Pat's trap.
'Arrah, be the holy poker, I have him
sow—Biddy. Is it nine lives ye have, ye
baste ? Well now be rain me pardon for all
the thavin' ye've been doin' in my house, or
it's nine lives will not save ye. Biddy saze
howld o' the puker ' and whilst I shoulder
the bag, jig whack the daylight out o' the
haythin divil intirely.
Pat threw the bundle over his shoulder
and Biddy struck about three blows to the
tune of St. Patrick's day in the morning,
when sbe suddenly stopped.
'What smells so quair, Pat? Sure it's
takin away the breath of me with the power
of it. Ob, murther, Pat it's the divil ye
have in the sack !'
'Bate him, this—bate the •borne off
'l'm faintin'—caat him off ye, Pat.'
'Och, murther I murther I Biddy Maloney
what have ye done? You've went and mis
taken a hurrible pole•eat fur a hareuraless
tame oat 1'
- Tat, for the love o' me, if you're eon
va&ent to the door unclose it, for I'm per.
isbt intirely. Oh, Biddy Malonely, that
ever ye should have left ould Ireland to be
smothered and murihercd.in this way l' '
'Faith the little villian beats the divil
self; be's ruined me house and kilt Biddy,
an' put me all out of connate wid ruo own
self. Oh, ye murtbern baste .'
Bs dint of washing and scouring and air.
ing,'ind the burial of Biddy's best petticoat
under the ground for a space of time, things
were at length set to right again.
lint not a little recriminating took place
on the occasion, and, neither of them ever
forgot the expulsion from the cabin of Bid
dy's 'strange 050
As all young ladies desire to be considered
beautiful, we publish the fallowing recipe,
for accomplishing that desired end ;
How to be beautiful when old
I can tell you maiden fair—
Not by lotions, dyes, and pigments:.
Not by washes for the hair.
While you're young be pure and gentle I
Keep your passions well coutraled,
Walk, work and do your duty,
You'll be handsome when you're o:d.
Snow white locks are fair as golden,
Gray as lovely as the brown,
And the smile of age more pleasant
Than a youthful beauty's frown,
'Tis the soul that shapes the features,
Fires the eye, attunes the voice;
Swett sixteen, be tease your maxims.
When you're sixty you'll rejoice.
-I think the judgments formed at night
are never so tolid and fresh as judgments
formed in the morning, It in the morning
a man is without charity, if, ho is despoil.
dent, if he is dull, if be is•nnnerved, you
may be sure that he is living wrong. For
the order of nature is that a man should
rise from his bed in the morning as birds
rise, singing, and ict perfeot'healtb. I would
say to every young person whom it concerns
—form, if it is a possible thing. .the habit
of doing your duty in the day time, and
reserve your night for lighter tasks, and
keep early hours with your bed.— Beecher,
Mothers used to provide a switch for their
daughters from the nearest bush; now the
daughter geMvziler own switches from the
hairdressers,
Mal anti iatb . to eats
Late Hours.
Bev. Henry Ward Beecher preached April
24th, on 'Late Hours' and the 'Unfruitful
Works of Darkness,' and in the course of his
sermon said :
.11 you want to.make the ruin of. a child
11133 give him liberty after - dark. You can
not do anything nearer to insure damnation
than to leave him at liberty to go where he
will without restraint, After dark he will
be sure to get in communication with people
that will undermine all his good qualities. I
do not like to speak to parents about' their
children, but there are thousands who think
their child cannot do wrong. Their child
will not lie, when his tongue is like a bend
ed, bow; he will not drink, when there is not
a saloon within a mile of his father's house,
w ere eis nut as well . ...an as-ono of its-
own decanters, he never does iniquitous
things, when he is reeking in filth. Nine
teen out of every twenty allowed pert - not free
dom atnight wilfbe wounded by it. There
is nothing more important than for a child
to be at home at night; or it he is abroad,
you should be with him. If he is to
see any sights or take any pleasure, there is
nothing that he should see that you should
not see with him. It is - not merely that the
child should be broken dos n, but there aro
thoughts that clever ough - t - tu find a pas Bag•
into a man's brain. As as eel, if he wrig
files across a carpet will leave his slime, which
no brushing can ever efface, so there are
thoughts that can never be got rid of, once
permitted to enter; and there are individuals
going around with obscene books and pie
tures under the lappels of their coats, that
will leave ideas in the mind-of-Your-child
that can never be effaced. There are men
who have heard .a salacious song, and they
never can forget it. They will regret having
learned it to the end of their lives. Ido not
believe in a child's seeing life, as it is called,
with its damnable lust and wickedness, to
have all its imagination set en fire with the
flames of hell. Nobody goes through this
fire but they are-burned;burnedburned-;
and they • can never get rid of the scars.'
A PERPLEXING EXPERIENCE.— A friend
of mine whom I met in Charleston, a Turk
ish. Nestorian, was smoking in the forward
ear when a very elegantly dressed young lady
of complexion about as light as his own, en
tered the oar and took her seat. She was so
refined in her dress and appearance that he
supposed that she had wades mistake, and
gallantly suggested to her that ,the
ear would be more agreeable, when she slated
that her color, not perceptible to a stranger,
prevented her entering there. He conversed
with her, and found her intelligent and edu
cated. She was the daughter of one ofthe
wealthiest men of South Carolina, Ile was
that evening publicly ridiculed at the hotel
for talking to a 'nigger girl,' by men who
would have done well had they shared her
refinement. A few days afterward, remem.
berinß the-incident, and seeing a lady of, ap
parectly mixed blood in the first-class car,
he thought she had made a mistake, and to
save anything that might wound her feel
ings, he politely suggested to her to change
to the forward, second-class oar. She color
ed up, highly insulted, and, calling bet hus
band from outside, screamed, 'This man'calls
me a nigger !' The husband got into a tow
ering rage, and came near laying violent
hands on my poor innocent friend. He was
only restrained by some passengers, who ex
plained his position as a foreigner unacquaint.
ed with American peculiarities.—Lippirt.
con's Magazine.
A few days before the adjournment of the
last session of the Legislature of North Caro
lina, a wealthy conservative from a distant
portion of the State, happened to be in Ral
eigh, paid a visit to the capitol. Taking
.a
seat in the lobby of the Senate chamber, he
meditated on the degeneracy of the times
which permits colored,tneo to hold seats in
that body. He was roused from his reverie
by a colored Senator, who arose, and in the
course of his remarks used the familiar quo
tation from the 137 Psalm, 'Let my right
hand forget her cunning,' etc. He could
contain himself no longer, and, turning to a
friend, said :
'lsn't it disgusting to bear snob an 'goo
ramus attempting to quote Shakspeare?'
A Michigan constable, from whose caste
'day a prisoner had escaped with only a shirt
on, while in search of the convict, was told
by one of his neighbors that there had ap
peared at the house of the latter, during the
night, an individual who was stark naked and
who refused to give any account of himself.
The neighbor further said that the stranger
was Still in his house, and might yet be taken.
The constable flew around, go; his hand
cuffs, and rode np, to, the widence of his in•
formant, to find that the lady of the house
had given birth during the night. to a very
fine baby.
'Why,' said Miss Anna Diokinson, on
one occasion, stopping forward to: the foot
lights end commencing a lecture with a lofty
flight of eloquence. 'Why was I born?'
She paused, and a thrill ran through the
audience. Again the rich tones of the win
some woman 'rolled over the expectant people
as she repeated the question, 'Why was I
born ?' And again she panted, that the due
impression might bo made upon her heaters
before she answered hor own question.—.
'Why was I born ?' she asked once more in ,
touching and almost painful accents, when a
wicked boy itr tbe gallery shouted, '1 give it
up r
The following will be exceedingly useful,
snit tells bow to get of atumpsl
Bore a hole in the stump with an anger;
MI it full of petroleum and let it stand four
days. Then set fire to the stump and it will
burn out like the wiok of a ortodle. This
has been Ruccesefully tried by a reliable ag•
rioulturist.
[From the Cincinnati Commercial
High Time in a Sleeping Car•
About midnight, when we were either lost'
in sleep or droppiog away, a fearful soseam
that made the blood curdle broke upon our
startled ears. This wild yell came from a
female throat, and was followed by cries of I
'Oh I stop him; '[Told let him
go,' and the wildest confusion ensued. All
the men sprang to their feet, and all the We.
men, screamed. Running along the passage',
way; I found a woman clinging to a male
specimen of humanity and begging him to
go to bed, and learned through a great deal I
of incoherent exclamation, that the man was
a sleep-walker.
'Oh, James, do come back to bed; do
waken up—please do L' she cried piteously
husband.
'No, you're not. That is the way
go out and get killed
—Won't-somebody—stop—the-
ways answers, an,
under - tlie - cars
train ?''
'Come, come, my good fellow, waken up,
wakun up,' roared the stout mac shaking the
supposed sleep walker so violently by the
shoulders that he must have had a free ad.
* mission to the fire works. In this he was
'assisted by our . Kentucky friend, who- ap•
Pearttl-in-a-fearful-snit-of-red—flaurtelTh
was too much for the afflicted wan, charged
with the crime of somnambulism. He went
to fighting—shaking the stout man off with
such force that corpulence went down in a
sitting 'position, and hitting Red flannels io
the stomach. Blazes disappeared from sigbt
through the curtains of
_a section from
-w-hence-other-female-screams-went up, and
unmistakable eviOeoces of a general engage
ment.
The slo ikr mfr lii'is Al with-
4e sleelFwallovaft - erwhipping a,
in reach, explained that he had got tip with
no intention to walk in his sleep, but to get
a drink of water; but, being given to som
nambulism, his wife had taken ' the alarm,
and with this information he. retired to his
-eaucli-in-it--very-salky—manner, Our Keif. -
lucky friend come tumbling from the section
he-bad-invaded, -with-h is- face-scratched,--his-
red flannel shirt torn, and giving evidence of
having suffering from an encounter. He
told me nest day that when he raided in on
the bed he rolled over "a fat woman into the
arms of a thin one, who went at him tooth
and nails, to the groat damage of hia under•
clothes and countenance.
Miss OTeal has-answered the—ohap--who
called her,‘,Darling; -sweet,' and all that.—
Here it is :
'Oh ! you say you are lonely without me,
that you sigh for one glance of my eye;
you're blarneying always about me—Oh
why don't you to papa apply 7 You men
are so very dsoeiving, I can't believe aught
that you say; your love I will only believe
in, when jointure is made
'This trash about eyes, voicmad glancing
may do for a miss in her teens; but be who
to me make advances must talk of his bank
stook and means. You beg , of me to go
galivating,
to meet you at the foot of the ,
lan e—with a kiss too why man you're
ranting !do you think I am wholly insane
Wh . en you woo a lady of sense, sir, don't
whine about sorrow and tears, its a matter
of dollars and cents sir, no tale of romance
interferes. Oh ! poverty is not very tunny
(my style I'll not try to conceal it,) I can't
get a husband with money, I'll live and die
Nora O'Neal.
Josh Billings thus speaki of a new agri•
cultural implement, to which the attention
of farmers is invited : Joho'ltogers' revolv
ing, expanding, uncerimonious, self. adjust
ing, self-contrakting, self•rharpeuing, self
greazieg, and self-righteous boss rake iz now
and forever offered to a generous publik.—
These rakes are az eazy to keep in repair az
a hitching post, and will rake bp a paper of
pins sowed broad kast in a ten aker lot of
wheat stuble. Theze rakes kao be used in
winter for a hen roost or be sawed up In
stove wood for the kitchen fire. No farmer
ov good moral karakter should be without
this rake,even if he has to steal one.
During the trial of a case in a city court,
lately, a witness .persisted .in testifying to
what his wife told him. To this, of course,
the attorneys objected, and it was ruled out
by the judge. He would proceed again to
telUshust how it vas,' when the attorney
would sing out, 'How do you know that ?'—
'My vife tole me,' was the answer. This was
repeated several times. Presently the judge,
unable to contain himself tiny longer, inter.
rupted—'suppose your wife was to 101 l you
the heavens had fallen, what would you
think ?' 'Veil, I'd fink dey vas down.'
A man in New Orleans accidentally swat.
lowed six false teeth last week, and now he
bolts has food right down, in lumps, and
chews it after it reaches 6ij stomach. He
says be is satisfied, because he can go clear
through thubill of fare and get back to busi
ness before the other boarders,get their pow
toes mingled properly with the gravy. He
likes it first-rate, and he has taken out a
patent for the principle. state and county
rights for eato.
There once lived in a village not more than.
three hundred miles west of New York, a
certain tradesman who had a large family,
and little quasi:res.' were continually, being
added to his board., One : day one of his lit.
de boys happened. to be in. a store, and was
thus interrogated by a young man present :
'John, how'many brothers and. stater have
you got ?' don't know,' nvis4ered t h e buy,
hain't been home since morning,'
One roan reprimanding another, said that
he talked like a fool. 'True,' he replied; 'but
it is that you may understand me., .
Whoever owes his shoemaker caul soy
that , his sole is his.owa. .
'612.00 aupori "velar
TEACHING A DUTCUMAN.--A Dutdbman
lately left 'Austin for While Pine with some;
thing less than a cart load of provisions, tools,
and blankets, carrying them. on his. boot.---'
Oa his arrival, not meeting with any succese
at tratie,. be took on a big disgust snd left,
rt ,
for Austin, oarryin with him his stock in
trade. On his wa home a Mao iiriving ait
empty vvagoo ove ook him, and seeing him'
so heavily loaded, asked him it• he would get
in and ride.
'No, 14 'gosh !' watt hissauswer.
• 'But,' sal& the -teamster, 'my wagon is
empty : and you are perfectly .welootue
'No, py gosh !' replied he. I learns dis
Di - nehmen some tings !. 1 learns hiM to go
to Vite Pines ! carries these ,plaukets,
py tam !'
be other• day some ladies were otit—Vist----
There being a little two•year•old pres.
not kiss h-er.
He answered, 'No'
'What is the reason you will cot kiss
me?'
'l'm too little to kiss you. Papa will kiss
you; Papa kisses all the big girls. '
Ile was permitted to play with his toys.
The best and most (*Delusive reason for
an e ; ect we ever rewew
was given by a Dutchman in reply , ,to a friend
who remarked, 'Why Hans, you have the
most feminine east of. countenance I have
ever seen.' 'Oh, yaw,' was the reply,
know the reason for dat—ni9 mother was a
woman.'
A countryman from lodinna was in Cin
cinnati a low nights since, and thought it
would be smart to accost a nolo eel damsel on
d►e-street. She-struck him a stunning blow
under the chip, and walked off majestically
saying, 'Who sez do colored troop didn't
fought nobly ?'
MEDICAL ADVICE —'Doctor doctor "said
a conceited coxcomb to a distinguiehod phy
eician, during the prevalence of an epidemic,
does- the - fever=affect-_theihigher_orderti-P.--
.No,' replied the M. D, 'but it's death on
tools, and you d better leave the city imme•
diately,'
A Countryman in a factory bet the engi
neer-a dollar that he oould seize the flywheel
and hold it. lie seized it and was. piked
up on a'pile of bricks outside the building,
with a window sash for neck tie.
SOMETHING TO TAKE4- , --eViii ytrit dalie
snmding?' said a teetotaler to a friend, when
standing near a tavern.
don't care if I do,' was the reply.
'Yell,' said Frank, 'let's dake a vita'
riaThtumwa, lowa, a nice young—inaa
pa% a sheet around him to scares Dutchman.
Some one asked the young man afterward
what ailed his black eye, and he said he had
received bad news from Germany.
P P— A couple were married leormtly., is Troy.
The groom paid the minister two dollars for
his services, and then walked off with the
latter's silk hat, leaving his old phig is its
—•
Virgioia negro cocked a gun anclAiblew
down the muzzle to see if it was loadetr. fie
didn't state his conclusion, but the by -stand.
era who saw his head fly off, think that it
was.
One of the gentler sex says that the
heaven of the etrong•iainded women is 'where
buttons grow in their proper plasm', and men
;cease from bothering, and needles aro at rest.'
'I say,' said a Yankee to an Irishman who
was digging in a garden, 'are you digging a
hole in that onion bed ?' 'No,' said Pat, 'l'm
digging out the dirt and leaving the hole!.
A Belgian was recently hung by mistake.
in Burges, and, as a slight recompense to his
wife, the generous-hearted government has
accorded her free permission to beg.
'Sam, why don't you talk to massai and
tell him to lay up de treasures is Heaven ?'
'What de use ob him laying treasures dar k
where he never see um again ?'
'Woman is a delusion r eralaimed a Calf•-
ty old bachelor to a witty young lady. 'And •
man is always hugging some delusion or Oth
er,' was the quick reply.
,
'Much is said in these days of woman's.
sphere Is it not true that her principal
tear is that ehe will not get married.
, A benevolent gentleman has discovered
that in forty years a sauff•taker devotes twen
ty:lour months to blowing his nose.
'What is the digermice between ao falling,
star and a fog ?:' One is missed in heaven,
and the other is mist on earth.
A man at Atlanta, Ga., recently, who.
sleeps with his rituuth open, bad his false
teeth stolen by an adroit'thiee
To ogre a bachelor's aoheer—earry to the
patient seventeen yards of silk, with a woq.
man in it.
•
If you wish to see a woman go off like a
flash, just accuse her of using. powder.
In Pike County, Ohio, they have found.
what they call a 'white Week make
Warm but not woolly—The mittens some.
times given , geutlemen b 7 the ladies.
The mosiory of good ttoions is the ohm
light of the eons,
What kind of Alikhitaa.4*llatigeron.
A.safe robbery, .ortt#ll..', , •
MIIBER 61
~': ~_~