The Dallas Post Dallas, PA Wednesday, April 6, 1994 5 1] Pb d i Reporter's notebook (OSHA meets Socks, and other strange news By GRACE R. DOVE Post Staff In the course of my work and reading, I occasionally run across strangely-worded news items and typographical errors which tickle my bizarre sense of humor. In the style of my personal hero, Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry, but] hope in slightly better taste, I'm sharing theses tidbits of weird news with our readers. * “The state government isn't necessary.” Governor Casey, during a live television broadcast about last January's cold weather emergency, trying to explain which government offices necessary for the public's health and safety would stay open and which would close. e “Involuntary employee ~ separations.” From a Proctorand Gamble press release on down- sizing and reconfiguring corpo- rate structure. Couldn't they simply say, “Well, we think that we'll have to close some plants and lay some people off if we want to continue paying the stockhold- ers big bucks.” e “The coroner said that Mr. X had died at the scene, and he died instantly.” (from another newspaper's account of a fatal traffic accident.) I have a mental picture of the coroner saying, “Gee, buddy, you really look dead.” Victim: “Okay, Doc. Aaagh!” (Dies.) _It sounds like a spinoff of the old Star Trek cliche uttered at least once per episode by Dr. “Bones” McCoy: “He's dead, Jim." @PCnly in this case it would be, “You're dead, Jim." _* In its infinite wisdom, the federal Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has decreed that the White House staffer who cleans out First Cat Socks’ litter pan must take a week- long course in handling hazard- ous materials before touching it. Allright, cat box duty isn't high on my list of all-time favorite chores, but I really doubt that kitty poop is as hazardous to handle as medical or radioactive waste. (My cousin, Rob Morgan, got this gem first-hand from the friendly OSHA man who had come to inspect his workplace for haz- ards.) e “If your truck catches fire, drive as fast as you can so that the wind will blow out the flames.” This is an actual question on the Pennsylvania Commercial Drivers’ License (CDL) test. Somehow, I don't think that the cops would buy it as an ex- cuse for speeding. e The Citizens Against Govern- ment Waste spends only 23 per- cent of the money that it raises on actual programs. Where the rest goes, no one knows. Other big spenders are theJust Say No Foundation (22 percent goes to programs) and the Center to Prevent Handgun Violence (23 percent goes to programs.) I could probably do better than that — and I have a mathematical learning disability! * “He was pronounced dead at the scene by the deputy corner.” (from a state police re- port on another fatal traffic acci- dent.) Did the trooper simply misspell “coroner” or had he deputized a street intersection? e Golfers Against Drugs. I'm sure that this is a legitimate or- ganization; its letterhead lists mailing addresses in Wilkes-Barre and Plains. It simply sounds strange, something like the Inter- national Federation of Cats Against the Bomb. » Buffalo wings. have a mental picture of Tatanka, lord of the plains, sprouting a pair of furry brown wings and rising majesti- cally into the air over the prairie. Imagine the reaction of some poor Native American who might see it after fasting for four days while out on a vision quest e Buffalo shrimp. Ifyou startle them, will the poor dears stam- pede down the river, trampling all boaters and anglers in their path? Or are they mini-Tatanka, the runts of the herd? » The Air Force lost two fighter jets during training exercises because the pilots had lost con- trol of their planes while using their “piddle packs.” (Both pilots safely ejected.) The nation which has put a man on the moon and can target a missile to hit with pinpoint accuracy can't develop a safe method for pilots to deal with in- flight calls of nature. e “After talking with numer- ous others...” (from a newspaper column.) Are numerous others related to significant others? : e “Even the most glutinous fish can become picky about what he'll hit.” (from a Fish Commission article on a certain type of trout fly.) Did the author misspell “glut- tonous” or is there an unknown glue-like /sticky species of trout swimming somewhere in the uncharted depths of Harveys Lake? And if you're allergic to gluten, can you eat them Library news eLibrary board of directors elects officers By NANCY KOZEMCHAK » The Back Mountain Memorial Library Board of Directors held its reorganization meeting at the March meeting. The officers for 1994 are President, Joseph Stager:; Vice President, Ruth Tetschner; Secretary, Pauline Kutz; and @ Treasurer, Samuel Perry. .» Newly-elected board members for 1994 include, Mary Glennon, RSM; John Gager, Sr.; and Jo- seph Dwinchick. The board members expressed thanks to past officers and board members for their service to the library. , The 1994 library auction will be held on Thursday through Sunday, July 7, 8, 9 and 10. Attorney Joseph Kluger is general - chairman. Chairs of the Odds and Ends booth: Sybil Pelton, real maze. “On Dangerous Ground” by Jack Higgins is a complex story blending history, government secrets, duplicty, and murder. As Hong Kong preparesto berestored to China in 1997, powerful busi- ness interests, including the Mary George and Jean Grimes are again asking for donations ofitems in good condition for their booth. Benny Matchett, chair of the book booth, is asking for good books in fiction, non-fiction and children’s tobe brought to'thé library. These may be dropped off at the library POST PHOTO/GRACE R. DOVE SWEET TREAT FROM THE SOUTH - Present and past officers of Mrs. Iwanowski’s fifth-grade class check out the candy-gram which they recently received from their penpals in Bunkie, Louisiana. Pen pals receive sweet message By GRACE R. DOVE Post Staff Mrs. Iwanowski's fifth-graders at the Lehman-Jackson School were greeted with a sweet sur- prise when they came to class March 21. ; Their pen pals at a school in Bunkie, Louisiana, had sent them a candygram. Composed on two large sheets of paper, the candygram had dif- ferent kinds of candy glued within the message: “To our Pennsylvania Penpals: Don’t Snicker when you read this. We went on a candy-buying Spree to come up with this Bit O ‘Honey. We may never live on 5th Ave- nue, make a Peppermint or win 100 Grand, but we would like to send you Hugs and Kisses from Louisiana. Even though you have been covered by Mounds of snow, you know that you can count on us if you're ever in a Crunch or Twix a rock and a hard place. Your recent letters have been Life Savers and have given us:a Starburst of energy! Ears f On a clear night while gazing at the Milky Way or at Mars, think of all the Red Hot times that we've shared in our letters. You are such Jolly Joes, Bar None. We hope that you won't think that we are Nerds, but we'll be waiting for your Quik reply.” Every student in the class had signed the candygram. ; The class in Louisiana had also sent enough strings of Mardi Gras love beads for everyone in the class and a copy of the school newspaper, in which Lehman- Jackson was the subject of a story. Since Bunkie is in Cajun coun- try, students also study French in elementary school, and had in- cluded a short article in French in the school newspaper. “Theyire amazed by how much snow we have had,” Mrs. Iwanow- ski said. “They can't imagine it.” Each of her students had se- lected a friend from the Louisiana class to exchange letters with. Many wrote about the snow and the problems with the school cal- endar that it has caused. “I'm telling my pen pal about my study buddy,” “said. Chris Coslett, referring to a weekly proj- ect which his class works on with during regular hours. New books at the library: “Mirror Maze” by William Bayer is a hypnotic thriller, a secret hall of mirrors and a labyrinth of fear. A beautiful young woman meets her latest ‘pick-up’ in a Manhattan hotel bar and goes back with him to his room, where she drugs him, robs him, and humiliates him. Several hours later the ‘mark’ is found dead, and the mysterious woman is wanted for murder. Janek is assigned to the case. A Misericordia students help elderly with taxes for free ~ Accounting students at College = Misericordia will offer free tax assistance to elderly, low income and handicapped people through the IRS-sponsored Volunteer In- come Tax Assistance (VITA) pro- gram until Friday, April 15. People wishing to have assis- tance with their taxes can call 674-6327 to set up an appoint- ment. Assistance will be available on the fourth floor of the Administra- t ion Building. About 12 Miseri- | BOATING TIP by Dave Q. Where do I learn the safety and basics of Kayaking. A.Join Country Ski & Sports for one or all of the Kayak Clinic at Berwick Middle School on Saturdays April 9th, 16th and 23rd Time 6-8:30 1 HOURS: Mon., Tues., Thurs., Fri. 10-9 Wed. & Sat. 10-5 + Sunday "Gone Boating" cordia student volunteers are taking part in the program and are trained to handle state and federal tax returns for persons filing Form 1040EZ, Form 1040A, or a basic 1040 Federal Tax Re- turn. Taxpayers should bring their 1993 tax package, wage and earn- ing statements (W-2s for the year) from all employers, interest and dividend statements (1099s), a. copy of their 1992 tax return and any other relevant information. Mafia, brace for the ramifications and will do anything to stop the lease from expiring. A virtuoso performance, it will leave readers breathless. “Clearwater Summer” by John E. Keegan tells the story of a 14- year-old boy confronting the deadly adult realities of an idyllic small town in the Pacific North- west. The summer of 1959, lazy and free of care, begins with the childhood pursuits of swimming and kick-the-ball for their friends. Slocum campground opens April 15 The Frances Slocum Park campground will open April 15. Due to the record snowfall this winter, a one week delay was ne- cesssary to properly prepare the area while protecting the natural resources of the campground. The rates for camping are $9 a night for Pennsylvania residents and $11 for non-Pennsylvania residents. Electricity has been added to seven sites this season. The cost for the use of electricity is an additional $2 a night. Sites are available on a first come first served basis. PITTSTON 304 KENNEDY BLVD. 654-6883 o = =) ee a, ge: Ld et = FREE CLAMS! It's Spring and Time to Celebrate STEAMED RHODE ISLAND CLAMS WITH EVERY DINNER ENTREE! AVAILABLE MON. THRU THURSDAY, DURING APRIL AT HAPPY HOUR 5-7 EVERY NITE CLAMS $3.50 - SHRIMP 15¢ - FREE PITTSTON ONLY! HOT WINGS 15¢ Great Beer Specials! Religious services ST. PAUL'S LUTHERAN CHURCH - 196 N. Main St., Shavertown. 675-3859. Pastor Harold R. Baer, Jr. Worship, 8:30 and 11 a.m. Church school for all ages 9:45 a.m. Visitors welcome. DALLAS UNITED METHODIST CHURCH - 4 Parsonage St., Dallas. 675-0122. Rev. Michael A. Bealla, Pastor. Sunday School, 9 a.m. Morning Worship 10:30 a.m. SHAVERTOWN UNITED METHODIST CHURCH - 163 N. Pioneer Ave., Shavertown. 675-3616. Pastors, Rev. James A. Wert, Rev. Harriet L. Santos. Music Director, Rosento E. Santos. SATURDAY: 5:30 p.m., Chapel Service. SUNDAY: 9 a.m. and 11 a.m. Worship Services. Visitors expected. Sunday study classes, 10 a.m. PHONE-A-PRAYER 675-4666. DALLAS BAPTIST CHURCH - Rte. 415, Idetown. Pastor, Pat Col- loday. Sunday Worship, 11 a.m. and 7 p.m. Sunday School, 9:45 a.m. Wednesday evening service, 7 p.m. taxes. * For More Information, Write Or Call Name NORTHEAST CAPITAL MANAGEMENT, INC. 12 West Northampton St., Wilkes-Barre, PA 18701 Phone: (717) 822-5101 « Toll Free: 1-800-424-7088 J Yes! Please send me additional information. a second-grade class. “It's lots of fun.” Dan Mariner told his pen pal about the temperatures and the snow. “And my grades,” he said. Ariel Frost sent her home ad- dress and phone number so that she and her pen pal can stay in touch. Ed Wallo described his family’s Easter customs. “We'll hide eggs in the snow,” he said. “They're white, so they'll be harder to find.” Ed also makes Ukrainian Pisyanki, eggs decorated in intri- cate designs with wax and differ- ent colored dyes. Jill Sands exchanged family photos with her pen pal. “Her mother looks so young,” she said. “I told her about my favorite movie (My Father the Hero) and TV show (Full House.)” Most of the students said they planned to continue to exchange letters with their Louisiana pen pals after the end of the school year. The school penpal program is sponsored by Weekly Reader magazine, Mrs. Iwanowski said. 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Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers