¢
MR 7 Pt HAI. mitre
THREE ACRES
And Six Dependents’
By Phyllis Smith
=
When Jasper, as we promptly
| nicknamed him, called on the sec-
retary of the Jackson Township
Volunteer Fire Department he al-
most made a sale. If I hadn’t been
in the living room frantically iron-
ing organdy curtains he would
have sold Norm enough carbon tet-
rachloride bombs to smother a fire
in the Empire State Building.
Punchy came in to tell me I
was wanted out on the porch; so I
) pranced out to see why I was
y needed. Norm introduced me to
Jasper and with that Jasper start-
ed his routine which started with
the Chicago fire and ended with
more recent disasters. He asked
me if I had read about the couple
who left their four small children
in bed—went to the movies—and
returned to find the children burn-
ed beyond recognition. By that
time I was conflagration happy so
replied, “That could never happen
to us. In the first place we never
go to the movies and in the sec-
ond place we don’t have four small
children. Will you kindly excuse
me. I left the iron on in the liv-
ing room.”
No sooner had those last words
kissed my larynx goodby than I
deeply regretted them. Jasper
grew vivid, turned to Norm and
said— ‘Hear, hear—so you couldn’t
possibly . have a fire. I hate to
say this, Mr. Smith, but I don't
feel that your wife is a very sym-
pathetic woman.” I came back
into the house and found the iron
ticking merrily away, so finished off
the curtains. I could hear Norm
saying goodby in far too cozy a
fashion and asking Jasper to re-
turn some evening that week wi
samples.
He came on in and said, “Now
Bunn, I've always wanted more
fire protection than we have and
| this looks good to me.” No re-
sponse. “Jasper says we don't
need fire insurance with these
bombs installed.” No response.
“Jasper says Arch Brooks wouldn't
be without his,” “His what?” I
asked absent mindedly. “His car-
bon tetrachloride bombs,” Norm
replied and sighed and left the
room. ‘“Where are you going?” I
asked. “To get some ice coffee,”
was the sad reply. “Oh” I said. I
thought perhaps you were going to
call Bob Rinehimer and cancel your
fire insurance. “Don’t be a goose,”
he said and we dropped the sub-
ject.
Fate played right into Jasper’s
hands. The next day we read in
the paper of the Hazleton tragedy
in which five brothers were burned
to death. The sad news was just
like a hypo for Jasper who came
back that night armed for the kill-
ing. He had a dogeared edition
of the Record tucked under one
arm and his life saving kit under
the other. He and a bat came in
together so I screamed, made tracks
for the laundry, and slammed the
door. I heard Jasper remark that
he knew I was that sort of a per-
son, ‘“‘scared to death of a bat”,
he said, “but doesn’t worry about
her house or children burning.”
w Meanwhile Jasper was firmly en-
’ trenched in the living room. He
was showing Norm a sample of
the bomb and what held it up when
I joined them. “Just think” he said
“with seven of these in the living
room a fire wouldn't have a chance.
However, his company didn’t do
things halfway. They had to out-
fit the whole house including cellar
| and attic. Each bomb ran about
>
CL a
po
i
six dollars so I did some sloppy
mental arithmetic and figured that
for somewhere in the neighborhood
| of three hundred dollars we could
be reasonably fireproof but for
three hundred dollars I would just
as soon be reasonably combustible
and told Jasper so. Jasper packed
his kit, shook hands with Norm
and left with the air of a disap-
pointed undertaker. No sale. I
said to Norm, “He looked a little
burned up, don’t you think? And
he agreed with me.
% Later that week he called on
Paul Gross at the Coal-o-matic. He
told Paul how Mrs. Smith had
ruined a sale for him because she
didn’t like the looks of bombs
dangling in every room in the
house. Paul wasn’t giving Jasper
too rough a time and things were
going smoothly when Marcia spoke
up and said, “If Mrs. Smith doesn’t
like the looks of the bombs, I'm
sure Mrs. Gross won't. Jasper
turned on her and asked, “And pre-
cisely how do you know whether
or not Mrs. Gross will like this
manner of saving life and prop-
erty?” Marcia smiled and reitera-
ted, “She happens to be my mother,
And I still claim that if Mrs. Smith
doesn’t like the looks of them, Mrs,
Gross won't.” And you wonder why
salesmen die young!
nL
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