Freeiand Tribune Established 1888. PUBLISHED EVERY MONDAY AND THURSDAY, BY THTS TRIBUNE PRINTING COMPANY, Limited Orricc: MAIS STREET ABOVE CENTRE. FfIEELAND, PA. SUBSCRIPTION RATES: On. Year $1.50 Biz Month. 75 J'our Months 50 Two Months 25 The dute which the subscription is paid to Is oa tno address label o( each paper, the change of which to a subsequent date be comes a receipt for remittance. Keep ths figures in advance of the present date, lie £ort promptly to this office whenever papef i not received. Arrearages must he pait When subscription is discontinued. Male all monty orders, checks, etc,,payable to the Tribune printing Company, Limited. Very little confectionery is imported |ato the United States, although we export about 81,000,000 worth an nually. Since the Civil War the South has ■pent 8100,000,000 on schools for col ored pupils. Throughout the South there is quite as much opportunity for the respectable black man as the White. Edwin Markham, author of the poem "The Man AYith the Hoe," says he knows a woman in Sau Francisco who owns three lap dogs that cost her 810,000 a year, each of them having three paid attendants. Dr. John H. Pryor, of Buffalo, said that in 1808 the death rate from con sumption in New York State had in creased by 330, and had increased at such a rate during the past year that he estimated over one thousand deaths from consumption—probably the highest death rate ever known. The health officers of Denver, Col., started out to have all the weeds in the public streets and vacant lots cut down, but unexpectedly eucountered strong opposition from owners of bee hives, who protested that the weeds blossomed nearly all summer and their bees made much honey from them. An Alabama man is suing a tele graph company for 810,000, because a message that he sent to a young Jady was delayed, thus causing her to become another man's wife. It will be interesting for the "other fellow" when they come to prove that ho would have been left at the starting post if the messenger boy lad hur ried. American goods, and especially American manufactures, are making rapid gains in popularity in liussia. This fact is shown not only by the in creased total of our exports to that country, but by the warnings which the consular representatives of other nations in Russia are sending to their home governments respecting the popularity of American goods nud tho success of American merchants in their business methods. One of the most interesting facts brought out in the annual report of the United States Commissioner of Edu cation, Dr. AVilliam T. Harris, is that the work of the common schools is coining more and more into tho hands of women. In 1870 only forty-one per caut. of the school teachers in this country were women; now tho women teachers number sixty-eight per cent, of the entire number. In the North Atlantic States tho proportion of women teachers is ovea larger, reach ing more than eighty per cent, of tho whole number of teachers in those States. Ir. one important field tho United States and the Continent are alto gether beating England. She was the pioneer of railways worked by steam, she is last—and a long way last—in the adaptation of electricity as a motive power for any purpose. Electric lighting has come into use in England slowly, but is as yet by no means weli developed in many parts of the country, and the best of the machinery by means of which light is generated is of American make. It is the same with electric railway plant and appliances, and the use of these in England is yet In its infancy. "Prlnc® Alberts" In Congress. The preponderance of "Prince Al berts" in the present congress la a matter of general comment. "One would almost think a Prince Albert was the uniform of your house of rep resentatives, don't you know?" re marked a young lady of decidedly Eng lish accent, as she looked down on the slow moving, black-clad figures on the floor. Even the gentleman from Ar kansas, Mr. Terry, who has worn blu ish gray ever since his entrance into the house, in 1891, startled his con freres the other day by appearing in a black broadcloth Prince Albert suit of the most elegant cut and finish. Half a million clerks ere employed In London. THREE KNAVES AND A TRUMP. My professional reputation was at stake. I had, three months before the date of which I write, permitted a no torious desperado to escape from my charge, and I was distinctly out of favor with the department. I had a peculiar superstition about the adroit criminal whose ruse had outwitted me. lie was tall, alert and graceful, with a face' that reminded me strongly of the pictures I had seen of Edgar A. Pee. lie had an insinuating manner and the most musical voice I ever heard. His profession was safe-break ing. I had once apprehended the man, and, curiously enough, it was the re sult of my first assignment to detect ive work. He had, as a result, served a term of seven years in the peniten tiary. It chanced that during hi 3 residence there I met him several times and on each occasion he had regarded me with a look that was none the less sinister because it was half jocular. The man's look was a menace. I knew he was thinking that he would be re venged, and I was sure that only the most conclusive of revenges would satisfy him. In other words, this man was determined to have my life. 1 always faced him with a look as dark as that which he gave me, for the in tention in my soul was no less relent less than bis own. We were doomed, as I felt in my apprehensive soul, to stand opposed in some hideous trag edy. When, three years after his release, he again incurred the displeasure of the law, I traveled 6,000 miles in my search for him, and discovered him at length in Indian territory. How he outwitted me on our way back to Chi cago is a story I have no inclination to tell. It was, therefore, with mixed feel ings that I learned from the chief of our agency of the nature of my com mission. He told me that information had been brought him of an attempt to be made that night upon the safe of the McPhorson Investment company. The plot had been overheard by an ec centric reporter for one of the daily papers, whose business had taken him into some sorry resort. From the de scription which the young man gave of the three conspirators the chief had no difficulty in establishing their iden- CROUCHING ON THE FLOOR, tity. The foremost of them was my foe, Payson Weatherby—for, though he had many aliases, this I believe to have been his true name. The second was a mulatto, Washington Brown, a man of much Intelligence and reckless cour age, who took his destiny by the throat and made an outlaw of himself rather than court favor of a world which would, at best, have shown him only contempt. The third rascal was an old time culprit, George Burke, a thick necked, low-browed fellow, who was born to crime. "How many men do you want?" asked the chief of me. "Two." "But would it not be wise to out number your adversaries? They are desperate men." I thought of Payson Weatherby's si lent challenge, and formed a resolve to meet him without odds. We expected to be beforehand with our men, and with Grayson, the re porter who had given us the informa tion, were at the spot a quarter of an hour before the time Weatherby bad appointed. But to our chagrin we found the rear window of the place without a square of glass. My evil luck still held. The safe-blowers were within. With me were James Bigelow, a young fellow, fresh to a detective's life, and Nelson Green, a grizzled vet eran, cautious as a cat, and a man noted for his lightning-swift motions. They and the reporter followed me through the window. A few steps more revealed to me the fact that the door of the outer vault had already been forced. I motioned the reporter to stand back and my men and I entered the vault, which was an iron room 16x16 feet in size, and occupied by a heavy table and two chairs. Opposite the door was the safe proper, and before this three men knelt, all desperately occupied. I had noticed while I stood in the dark alley without that there was a rising storm, and now a sudden ex cessive gust of wind blew shut the iron door of the vault with a report as loud as that of an explosion. One of the men—it was Weatherby -cried out in terror and leaped away from certain little box-like contrivances which lay beside him on the floor. Ho thought the concussion would explode the dynamite. Then he saw us, stand ing together, our revolvers aimed, and, recognizing me, gave a little cluck with his tongue and smiled cynically as he threw up his hands in token of the fact that he recognized the situation. His confederates glanced up, saw us, and cowered where they were, but one of them managed to extinguish the | lantern by whose light the}' had been j working, and they were possessed of iihe vantage of shadow. I heard the j click of their revolvers, and, realizing j that the light I carried made us fair j targets, I put it out. Half a second j later a bullet clattered.against the wall behind me. I dropped to the floor, and the men with me followed my example. ; Then 1 heard a clattering at the door, I and knew that Grayson, the reporter, ! was trying to get in to us. But though i tbe lock must have been forced, yet it ; did not yield to its manipulations, and I presently all wn3 silent. Then the unexpected happened. Through a tiny barred window, high in the wall, a flash of white lightning j gleamed, and we saw that our foes, j like ourselves, were crouching on the j floor. Green fired, and a groan fol | lowed the report of his revolver. For ! some reason which I shall never be j able to explain, Weatherby and I did | not shoot. His smiling, insolent face ! menaced mc, and 1 looked back with what defiance I could. We all waited for the next flash of lightning, not drawing an audible j breath. Never did silence seem so complete to me as in that little room where six desperate men waited in darkness to do each other to the death. If I could have heard a sigh I should have fired. I have known wounds and the surgeon's probe, but the pain of that silence discounted them. I crawled along the edge of the wall that I might be in an unexpected place by the next lightning gleam, keeping my revolver just in advance of my nose. When the enveloping flash came it revealed the eyes of Payson Weath erby not six inches from mine. We both involuntarily recoiled; we both fired. A bit of ice seemed to graze my head, and then I felt a warm fluid dampening my cheek. Bigelow cried out suddenly, and I was guilty of an audible groan of anxiety for him. Again we waited—l cannot tell the ! length of time. It was no more to be measured that a hasheesh dream. ; Then out of the silence came a vibrant, hysterical shriek. Payson Weatherby had not looked like Edgar A. Poe for nothing. His delicately wrought or ganization revolted against the strain ' upon it. He sobbed and laughed. He war a madman. This horror affe'/ed us all similarly. We were wary, but we suspended hos tilities. We were on our guard lest this emotional maniac should dash our brains out or his own against the iron j walls. The hasheesh dream reached out like the beginning of eternity, and we be gan to suffer for a lack of oxygen. Then came a battering at the door and I staggered out, drenched in blood from my wound. Some one helped mo up, and I heard later that it was Pay son Weatherby. When, six weeks later, I came out dt the hospital, they told me he was In a cell at Kankakee. As for me, I gave up the detective profession. I had been a failure at it. But I have the comfort of the reflection that if Payson Weatherby defeated me, I de feated him no less. No "Property" Kcapen. Over the audience rests a settled, im movable stillness, unbroken even by a sigh. No expression referable to sor row, sympathy, joy or tears lightens j the blank, dead walls of the faces. The Chinaman is impregnable. Only once do his eyes change, and that is while I the property man is on the stage, and he is never off. The Chinese property | man sees his duty to the management, and puts it into practical effect. No | "property" shall escape him. lie gath j ers all things by the way. When the I Chinese Romeo slays Tybalt the prop erty man steps on to the stage, gath ers up Tybalt's sword, cap and cloak and things and walks off with them. He would enter Macbeth's banquet hall while the weak-kneed monarch was exercising Banquo's ghost, gather up the goblets and plates in one arm and | Macbeth's chair with the other, and : carry them away. He would pluck the j roses from Elaine's breast; he would I take the dagger from Juliet's dead | hand; he would interrupt Hamlet's : soliloquy in the churchyard with ?. re . quest for Yorlck's skull, and h? would ! interpose in the murder of Dcsdemona : to remove the pillows from her head.— ' Leslie's Weekly. The Larirst Plant in Ui. World. I "The largest plant in the world," ; said an eminent naturalist to the writ j or the other day, "is probably a gigan ! tic seaweed, ltnown as the 'nereoeytis,' j which frequently grows to a height of more than 300 feet. The stem of the | plant is as strong as an ordinary rope and large quantities of it are dried and used as rope by the inhabitants of the South Sea islands, where the curious I vegetable ropes are found. The sea weed usually grows to a depth of from i! 00 to 300 feet. As soon as the plant I takes root a spear shaped balloon is • formed, which grows with the stem i toward the surface of the center. This j balloon frequently has a diameter of ! six feet or more. It has, of course, :an upward tendency, and therefore ; keeps the stem growing until it floats on the top of the water. This enor mous weed grows in such quantities that large meadowlike islands are formed, which are often so big as to impede navigation. The ropes made from the stem of the plant are used for building purposes, and the balloons when dried mako very serviceable ves sels. —Washington Star. Not Worth While. He —No; I never read books that are talked about. She—But why not? He —lt takes so much effort to explain It I don't like them. — Puck. ; ig NEWS AND NOTES 1 ; | FOR WOMEN. % ; | <stcateaiQeß^3foioioc3itaioioße!aieaieteiet^ 'lluee Mode* of Dressing, i There are really three modes of I ; dressing for tho average American l ! woman. First, the wrapper in the early morning, the shirtwaist by noon and the pretty toagown for tho after noon; second, the shirtwaist in the morning, the teagown or dressy wrap per—the early name for the samegar j meut—in the evening; third, tho shirtwaist, the street gown, the din ner gown and tho negligee or cliara | j ber robe. ; 1 Higher Heel* Will He Fashionable. , | Trade reports from Lynn, Mass., ! aro to tho effect that the style of j ladies' shoes is to undergo a radical • change; that, in place of tho sensible i low heel which that footgear has for ; a number of years past carried, we aro i to have reintroduced the style of the high heels, and that from this time | forward no woman can bo considered 1 in style who does not stand upon a heel from an inch and a quarter to an ' inch aud three-quarters in height. Up-tn-Dnto Hon Fastener*. One of the really useful fashion novelties just out is tho boa fastener, j It fills a long-felt want and is an at tractive ornament as well# ! It is a jeweled snake twisted to form ;an S. When properly adjusted it holds the boa together most effectively. : Tho snakes vary greatly. Some are of gold studded with imitation gems. Others aro of gun metal, with the 1 jewels used just for tho snake's eyes, i The fastener catches the boa in such away that the snake's head is raised as if ready to strike. Fashions in Perfume*. I Perfumes are being used more gen erally than fashion has permitted in j several years. There is an attractive , suggestion of refinement and dainti ness about the faint odor of flowers that can never wholly lose its power. Only the best perfumes should be used, however, as the oheaper kinds are entirely without the delicacy that is the charm. ! Some fastidious womon have night caps made of white wash lace with a circular sachet pad fastened in the crown. Tho caps are coquettish and pretty, tho laeo mesh allows free ac cess of air and the sachet imports a faint but distinot fragrance to the hair. Make Sleep Aid Beauty. I Somo rules will assist my lady in twinging sweet repose, with its at tendant advantages and they are fac tors in the creation and preservation of beauty. ! Before retiring take off every gar ment worn during the day and supply a simple cotton robe in whioh your limbs are free aud untrammelled. Let your last ablution be a warm bath, with friction enough to bring the blood to the surface, j Unbind your hair and let it float over your pillow to get well aired. Lie on your right side when sleeping as much as possible so as to let your ! heart do its work unrestricted. Have your sleeping'room thorough ly aired tho last thing at night, and arrange your windows so that you can have a current of fresh air without sleeping in a draught. I If yon are awake for some time in tho early hours preceding the morn ing do not worry. If you feel de spondent remember that all the forces of life aro at their lowest ebb at that hour which is darkest before the day. Women's Wage. in Enxlsnil.' ! In England a shop assistant make 3 from five to ten cents an hour. I In tho laundry, from half a dollar . to seventy-five cents a day. As a waitress, one doliar to five a week. j During the haddock-curing season, six cents an hour. As a pillow-lace worker, from three to six cents an hour. | As a hop-picker, from twenty-five to fifty cents a day. | In the best type of factory, from two dollars and a half to three dol lars a week. I As a hospital nurse, from sixty to two hundred dollars a year. | As a domestic servant, from forty j to three hundred dollars a year, j As a typewriter, from two dollars j and a half to ten dollars a week, j As a governess, from sixty to two : hundred dollars a year. I As a postoffice clerk, from one linn , drod aud fifty to five hundred dollars a year. As a shorthand writer, from five to | fifteen dollars a week. I In this list only domestic servants, I governesses and hospital nurses are J provided with hoard and lodging.— | Hurper's Bazar. Velvet, and Cloth Aro I'.eil as Trimming.. I In hasting velvet, oloth or silk ! bands, silk thread will not loavo the ; marks that cotton does, and when the ] thread is ripped out it should he cut ' every few inches, as the pulling out | of a long thread leaves marks, j Velvet is appliod to silk or woolen i goods, also to silk or satin. Cloth is j used as a trimming on woolon ma ! | ferial, and also on silk, but it requires I ail exceptional dressmaker to arrange j such a combination, i j When ill doubt regarding a trim ■ i ming, use ribbon or volvet, satin or , | taffeta in plniti colors. Black may bo . I put on anything, and white is popular | for indoor gowns. Ruffles or ruches ; j of ribbon should be amply full. A . , rueho requires two gatherings in the j middle, slightly separated. The nar | row number one or baby ribbon is Used to edge ruffles and to outline | lace designs. It is used also as a ! j finish to rovers, cuffs and >,ll other j | edges, and forms one of the most : popular of garnitures. Velvet ribbon Ii pnt on with loose stitches and is used for bands, belts r.nd for edging silk ruffles. Clusters of three scantily gathered ruffles of inch-wide satin, ribbon trim skirts on tho edge. They are used also to finish off the lower part of the tunic or overskirt and to give a fluffy appearance to tho edges of a yoke or vest.—Ladies' Homo Journal. A Queen Who Dove* Crest*. One is assured so often and so strenuously by sages of social canons that ornate note paper is vulgar and used only by persons of inferior fibre that, it comes as a shock to hear that no less exalted a personage than tho Queen of Great Britain dotes upon elaborate stationery, a weakness which she shares with her daughters. Until her eyes began to fail her "the widow of Windsor" was very fond of letter writing. She wrote regularly to all her children aud grandchildren and to many friends as well. The young Queen of tho Netherlands has been one of hor correspondents since the latter was a very little girl. When at Balmoral, in the Highlands, Vic toria's favorite writing paper is pale lavender color, with a broad black edge; at the top of the sheet is an en graving of roe deer and fawns among rocks and dwarf trees, with "Bal moral" in plain letters beneath. Sometimes she uses white paper with a mourning border and a view of Bal moral Castle slumped in relief in black or the royal cipher, V. R. and I. with the crown. Princess Beatrice for years had a favorite note paper, which showed a big bumble bee with her coronet above. Princess Louise of Lorue has several iugenious moDdgrams in which tho two L's of her name are curiously intertwined. Gossip. It is said that there are more women physicians than women lawyers. There aro many women who act as notaries public ia New York State. Russian women are gradually ao quiring a greater freedom of action. There is a steady increase in the number of women's clubs throughout tho United States. One woman physician in New York City easily makes an annual inoome of ton thousand dollars. A gratifying sign is the increasing number of women who are becoming scientific agriculturists. Miss Susan B. Anthony, despite her eighty years, is an active woman. Her health continues excellent. American women artists in Europe aro carrying off more honors than aro the women artists of any other nation ality. Many of the nnrses who went to South Africa with the Canadian troops are mombers of well known families in Canada. The Queen of tho Netherlands is an enthusiastic amateur gardener, who owns a miniature greenhouse which she manages entirely herself. Mrs. Leland Stanford is a thorough believer in permitting those womon who wish it to eutftr whatever profes sion or work they fool capable of. Fashion's Fails and Fancies. Panne velvet waistcoats with small gold buttons aro the latest accessory to the tailor frock. A number ot orrnine toqnes have made their appearance, having as their only decoratiou large choax of black tulle. Cloth lace is one of tho fads of the season, usod as a trimming for evon ing wraps, boleros, etc., and being new it is expensive. A faseinnting evening wrap was that mado of a beautifully embroidered white crepe shawl, tho trimming being a combination of the heavy fringe of the shawl with sable. Since earrings are again talked of as about to become fashionable, a clever invention is being shown by means of which it will be possiblo to wear earrings without piercing the ears. Fine "kid-finished" cloth in ivory white, opal gray, turquoise blue, and a revived shade of old rose are in marked favor for elegant "dress" gowns, and a decoration of real lace is the required adjunct. There is a revival of the fur boa along with the craze for boas of all kinds. The fur collar is now to he relegated to the wear of the matron, while youth disports tho fetching and becoming but pneumonia inviting boa. The American turquoise are pre ferred by women who wish their stones to retain their color. Opals aro popular, especially those from Hun gary. Garuets, in all their varieties of color, ranging from red to violet, brown, yellow, green and white, are much in vogue. Many of the handsomest umbrellas have long mother-of-pearl handles with gold or silver trimmiugs. There is a broad tip at the top oi the handle, a band around the centre frequently, and more of it at the lower part where it joins the umbrella. Sometimes the metal work is in fine tracery. Novel ribbon belts are mado of wide ribbon, with the ends sewed into small gold or silver rings instead of buckles. Then a narrow ribbon is run through these rings andjtiod in a bow in front. Buckles have been worn so long that every woman has a col-1 lection, and they are fastened more easily than the new belt, which is not likely to be more than a passing fancy. Ermine is a fur that increases in favor each succeeding winter, This season it has reached a notable degree of favor by having the capes, collars, hoods and boleros made of it,bordered or combined with some very dark fur, like otter, or sealskin, whioh renders it strikingly bocoming, whero once its opaque whiteness rendered it one of the most trying of all the expensive tars worn. POPULAR SCIENCE. A bin ikbird will stand at the side of a hanging wasp's nest and deliber ately tear it in pieces in order to get at the lnrv:e, apparently undisturbed by tho swarm of angry insects. Tho German exploring vessel Mowa stopped on its last cruise at two small isolated islands, Matty and Durour, the inhabitants of which strikingly re semble tho Japanese, though the isl ands arc only a short distance front New Gniuea. In a recent paper by Francis Calton on "Finger-prints of Young Children," he demonstrated that clear prints of all teu fingers of a baby would suffice for after-identification by au expert, but by au export only. Although new ridges may appear in infantile life, the typo of each pattern persists all through life, and is never doubtful to a practised eye. The Arctic Oc ran, says Nanscu, is a kind of iugoou separated from the At lantic by a submarine ridge, stretch ing from Spitsbergen to Greenland. To this ridge is due a curious condi tion. The Arctic is covered with a layer of slightly salt water from the Siberian rivers and Bering Strait, and under this is the normally salt Gulf Stream water. If the two layers were mixed, Iho averago temperature would fall, but this average would not he as cold as tho surface layer. This ae couuts for the enormous formation of I polar ice. J There is a wonderful spider iu tho | Transvaal, which has apparently been | discovered for the first time by Mr. j Distant. It lives, we are told, in large | communities, and builds itself a nest j like a bird's. The nest is of irregular j form, and in the interior are several artistically constructed galleries, which serve as homes for all the spiders of that particular family. One of these nests may be seen in the Lou don Zoological Garden. It is very large, and is deftly covered with dry leaves. The spider in constructing a nest takes the utmost pains to make it of such a color that it will escape tho eyes of its enemies, and iu this laud able task the ingenious little creature almost always succeeds. Astronomy in the nineteenth cen tury has not only successfully culti j vated, but has greatly enlarged, every ! field of investigation which it inherited I from tho proceeding century. The in j struments and the methods of re j soarch have been greatly improved and to them have beeu added celestial photography and spectroscopy, which are distined to prove no less potent and eflicaoious than the teloscope. Photography has shown itself to he a valuable adjunct to tho telescope, ami tho application of the spectroscope I has not) only rectified the ideas of | preceding-centuries as to the constitu tion of the universe, but has created I au absolutely new braueh of science— j that is to say, the chemistry of celes | tial bodies. Cat* Can Swim., j "Can oats swim? was asked of au ■ old fisherman. j "Why, certainly," was the reply, "and tnat reminds mo of a cat I once ! triod to drown that swain ashore. ! Surely there must havo beeu hundreds or thousands of people who have /drowned cats in the same way, hut i nevertheless this was an experience of | my own. We had a cat that we wanted i to get rid of, and as humane away as | any to kill it was by drowning. So I ; put n couple of bricks in tho bottom of an old grain sack, and put iu the j cat, and tied tho bag up carefully and I securely and walked down to tho end j of a wharf and stood there and swung | the bag with tho cat and the bricks in it round like a sling until I could give j it a good momentum and thou let it ; go, and slung it out to fall and sink in | the water, I should say twenty feet i away. # "I supposed, of courso, that that I was the last of the cat; but tho next j morning the first thing I saw when I , went out of the house was the cat sit ting on tho veranda. ! "I suppose the hag had a woak spot in it somewhere, the bricks were ; henvy and sharp-cornered and Hwing i iug tho bag round that way started it j more, and the cat was desperate; and . with the bag that way it scratched and | tore its way out and got to the wharf j and clawed its way up and eaino I ashore. "Can n cat swim? Why, suro!" | Now York Sun. kitperitulonci About Tomls. It is related of the American In [ diaus that they believe that a council of tho gods was held for producing light at night. The whip-poor-will made tho moon out of a large frog, and the coldness of tho moon is attrib uted to tho frog's natural coldness. Another tradition related of savage tribes is that tho toad quarreled with the woodpecker and caused tho del uge. It is said that they disputed over honey which the toad was in duced to climb a treo in order to ob tain. Then the woodpecker knocked the toad out of the troe, and in re vengo the toad drank up all the water rn the earth, leaving the birds drv and thirsty. In a subsequent quar rel the toad incautiously danced about until it burst, nud the water covered tho earth in a Hood. In Maryland the bite of the toad is considered poisonous, if not deadly. An old superstition is that handling toads will cause warts to grow on the hands. A Very lttautiful l'enrl. Tho most beautiful pearl in exist ence is in the crown of one of the former Czars of Russia and is on exhibition in the Kremlin at Moscow. It is a perfect sphere, and so pure as to ap poar almost transparent. It weighs ninety grains. THE LANGUAGE# A farmer was trying to plough With a jackass hitched up to a cough, When they kicked up a terrible rough. Said the farmer: "It's hard, I allough I could do near as well with a sough; I will rest 'neath the shade of this bough; "Such driving for mo is too rough; I've had of it nearly enough; I'll give this old jackass a cough And quit, for I'm quite in a hough, And ploughing is almost tough. "With farming I'm glad to bo through— My wife, she is tired of It, tough; We're wet with raiu and the dough, And ploughing has made mo quite blough. "I'll sell out and pocket tho dough, To tlie city I'll glad enough gough, I'll through down the shovel and hough; In Wall street my mouoy I'll blough. "My wife has contracted a cough, 'Tis time for us both to bo ought" —New York Sun. PITH AND POINT. "How do you toll a good novel from a poor one, Bob?" "Well, very often Igo by the person who recommends it." "How did you and George got along at the seashore?" asked her best friend. "Swimmingly," was the re- ply.—Tid-Bits. 1 "Is jour dog full-blooded?" / "Guess he is. He's beeu sampling I th' blood of most of tli* neighbors."— *t Cleveland Plain Dealer. Maude—"Did Jack kiss you when ' you accepted him?" Clara—"Cer- ( taiuly. I wouldn't consider any but sealed proposals."—Chicago News. She loved John Smith beyond a doubt, But whon, alas! sho thought Of tho wedding-cards sho guvo hor haml To Mr. Wollesloy Wellington Watt. —Detroit Journal. "As wo get older we think less of ourselves." "That's hecauso we've had time to get thoroughly acquainted with ourselves."—lndianapolis Jour nal. Mrs. Goodhoart— "And you can't find any work? That seems terrible/ Whatis your trade?" Say mold Storey (attacking the pie)—"l'm a strawberry picker, ma'am." . Little Horj.co—"Papa, what are si* I lent watches of the night?" Papa—% / "The ones people forget to wind when \ they go to bed, I guess."—Chicago Times-Herald "Is she really a society girl?" 6 "Well, she makes and receives a great •£ many calls." "Really?" "Yea; f she's a telephone operator."—Phila- / delphia Record. He—"ls your husband layiug any thing up for a rainy day, my good woman?" Sho—"No, sir; but he's saving up money to buy a snow shovel."—Yonkers Statesman. Fate In tho smallest thing is just; Admit this rigid truth wo must; Who comes to luucbeen late will sigli To ilud he gets tho thinnest, pie. —lndianapolis Journal. "When a man's young he's auxiom to show his knowledge," said tlif Mauayunk Philosopher; "and whel ho gets older he's just as auxious tc. conceal his iguorance."—Philadelphia Record. "Isn't it odd that whenever Mr Dinsmore makes a present it consists of gloves?" said Miss Gobi thorpe. "He wants bis presents tc bo always on band," replied Mis/ Wilberforco .—Judge. "I understand," said tho neighbor. "that your husband is a dramati, v critic." "No," replied the little worn an bitterly; "lie is even worse thai that. He is a household critic."-' Chicago Evening Post. Magistrate—"What arc these prif oners charged with?" Policeman—, "I arrested them for lighting, you< honor. They nro a couple of golf players, and " Magistrate—"Send for the court interpreter." "This," the bold young man whis pered, touching her blushing cheek, "is tho pink of perfection." "And this," his fair cousin retorted, bring ing her hand against his cheek with a ringing slap, "13 the sounding brass!" Mother—"l wonder what we can do with Johnny? Ho has such away of exaggerating everything. He is al ways making a mountain out of a mole* hill." Father—"l think, my dear, we had better make him an auction- 1 eer."—Tit-Bits. ' Tlio Holder* of tho V. C. Holders of tho Victoria Cross in tho British array, who have been a slowly dwindling band for some years, prom ise to receive new companions as a result of tho Boer war. Seven years ago they numbered 196, and just be fore the outbreak of hostilities in tho Transvaal thero were only 155. The Indian mutiny still aecouuts for the largest number of names on that roll of honor, no fewer than forty-two re calling that year of heroic struggle. v Tho Crimean war, which started the roll, now ranks second with South Africa, each claiming twenty-five names. Afghanistan contributes eleven names, and Egypt and Soudan together make up the same number. For the rest of the names one mast follow the nniou-jnok to all parts of the globe. Hlght Kind of Spnrtsiiinn. It was Jonathan Swift who said that whoever could make two ears of corn > or two blades of grass to grow upon a spot of ground whero only one grew before would deserve better of man' kiud and do more essential service to his country than the whole race of politicians put together. Let me say of the sportsman, if it has not beeu said before, that he who by his spring shooting has an opportunity to kilt two birds, if he would wait until fall will have a ohanoe to kill seven. At the Pleasant Valley hatchery the Mon golian pheasant is breeding with grat. ifying success. This ring-neeked fel low is one of the finest of game birds, and every chance and enoouragement to multiply should be given him.—. Viotor Smith, in New York Press. *
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers