FREELAND TRIBUNE. PUBLISHED mar MONDAY AND THURSDAY. RILOS. A. BUCKLEY, EDITOR AND PROPRIETOR. OFFICE: MAIN STREET ABOVE CENTRE. SUBSCRIPTION RATES. One Year fl fjO Six Months 75 Four Months M Two Months 25 Subscribers are requested to observe the date following- tho name on tho labels of their papers. By referring to this they can tell at a glance how they etand on the books in this offlco. For Instance: G rover Cleveland 28June95 means that Grover Is paid up to Juno 28, IPO, Keep the figures in advance of the present date. Keport promptly to this oillco when your paper is not received. All arrearages must bo paid when pa]>er is discontinued, or collection will Up made In tho manner provided by lnw. Competition between Eastern and Western farmers is yearly growing loss, declares the Now York Tribune. In years past tho Western man had the advantage of cheap lands; but tho Eastern farmer has the advantage of a near-by market. Tho San Fraucisco Chronicle feels that Alpine climbers will read with disgust of tho proposed railroad and elevator to tho very summit of the Jungfrau. Time was, and it was not so many years ago, that this mountain was regarded as a dangerous peak and the feat of climbing it was notworthy. Since then tho Mutterhorn and other Alpine peaks havo taken its placo in the ambition of mountain climbers. With a railroad to tho summit and a hotel jierched on tho topmost point of this historical mountain much of tho romance will go out of Alpino climbing. The Cook's tourist is fatal to the enthusiasm of travel. Jame3 M. Glenn, President of the Cincinnati Chamber of Commerce, writes in the North American Review: "The South this season has been fa vored with an enormous crop of cot ton and an exceptionally large pro duction of corn, with also an excel lent yield of tobacoo, and although market prices may bo low, especially as to cotton, tho fact remains that tho cost of production, taking into con sideration not only tho question of labor, but recognizing tho complete utilization of tho by-product which was formerly wasted, is now greatly reduced, and tho net result is a favor able one. The sugar interest, it is to be hoped, may steadily continue in advancement, accompanied ultimately with remunerative results. The pro duction of rice in tho South is extend ing, and will undoubtedly nssumo very greatly enlarged proportions in the near future. The lumber re sources of the South are being brought more and moro into promi nence, attracting capital for its prepar ation for market, widening tho em ployment of labor, and adding to the available wealth of tho community." Devotion to tho old Shinto faith is not extinct in Japan, and a great tem ple at Kioto, on which ten years and many millions have been expended, is still incomplete, and work upon it not suspendod oven in the time of tho greatest war which tho country has ever had upon its hands. The women of that country give sign of their pi ous zeal in this work by contributing portions of their hair, which aro braided into cables and used in tho transportation of material to be em ployed in tho construction of tho building. Of these a largo number have been worn out in tho work ac companying tho structure ut Kioto, but more aro forthcoming, showing a spirit of zeal and sacrifice among tho women thero which tho New York Tri bune believes not to be outdone by any of tho missionaries among them, or by the builders of shrinc3 an.l temples anywhere. Shintoism is tho old faith of Japan before tho introduc tion of Buddhism and the Confucian philosophy, and does not now absorb a large part of tho religious inspira tion of the country, but still preserves a measure of vitality enough to build a new temple now and then amidst the ruin of its old ones, and supply? testimony that in spito of tho infiltra tion of newer faiths tho lamp of its older one is still trimmed and burn ing. It has no theological schemo and specific code of morals, inculcat ing in general obedience to and revor cnco for tho Mikado, who in that country is the direct representative of tho gods; and as a religiou really amounts to little, not enough to justi fy tho erection to it of such a spacious and costly tabernacle. Japan is go ing on at such a pace in tho adoption of modern usages that she will no doubt have a President before long alter tho American und then there will be nobody for the new Kio to altar to burn its inconso to. THE OLD MEBTINO HOUSE. 1791—1801. I The bltio hills rise in stately strength. Streams rlpplo sott below, As on thoso long gone Sabbath days, Ouo bunirod years ago. When In thoso crumbling, roofless walls, Where birds flit to and fro, Th Quaker fathers worshiped God Ono huu.U'od years ago. And word oi truth, or praise, or prayer, In measured tone, and slow, Was spoken us tho spirit moved Ono hundred years ago. Hero many a calm and saintly brow Seemed lit by heaven's own glow. Aud caught tho promised peace of God Ono hundred years ago. Perhaps just here tho suashino foil On golden heads below, Where children lifted patient eyes Ono hundrol years ago. Hero youths and maidens primly sat In silent, decorous row, But, as to-day, Love stole his glance Ouo hundred years ago. In ancient gravos, where trailing vines And tender wild flowers grow, Sleep thoso whoso footsteps thithor turned Ono hundred yoars ago. Long havo those altar flres boon cold, And only rutns show Tho temple holy to tho Lord Ono hundred years ago. But truo and simp'.o faith abides, Though centuries onward flow— Tho fathers did not build in vain Who reared this modest forest fano One hundred yoars ago. —Lucy R, Fleming, in Harper's Bazar. A LEAP FOR LUCRE. EY THOMAS S. ELACKWELL. WHEN tho gallant "Groen Lancers" got tlio route from |r / uy, "dear, dirty Dublin" for the Vpiw Weet of Ireland, HI J E.Vai U'l H it was looked upon f b y tb<> younger fjjj, members of that sporting corps as something akin to penal servitude. "Beastly bore," lisped Charley Nu gent, the last-joiDod sub, as he pulled viciously at an imaginary mustache, "isn't it?" and he looked appealingly round on his brother officers, who were lounging about tho ante-room at Island liridge Barracks. "Look here, youngster, "growled the Major l'rom his lair on the sofa, "you "don't know what's good for you. It will be the saving of you boys to get away from the Into hours aud confec tionery that you are indulging in here. 'The Wild West' is not half bad." "Tell us all about it, Major," came in a chorus from "tho boys." "The Major" was an authority on all subjects in the "Green Lancers." If it was a love affair, some detail of regimental duty, a financial difficulty, or ono of tho many complications pe culiar to "young blools," "the Major" was always the trusted guide, philosopher and friend. A perfect man of the world, a thor ough soldier and good sportsman, with a kind heart, despite a rather sarcastic turn, ho was adored by all tho youngsters of the regiment, to whom he was a regular oracle. "i'es," said the Major, "tho West is a jolly placo for any fellow with health and heart to enjoy the fun one gets there, 'ihe Chief and I were down on detachment in tho County Mayo in 'Bl, when boycotting cameinto fashion. We had lots of work, to bo sure; but we had a splendid good time of it all the same. The best of shooting, fish iDg and nailing sport with the Mouth Mayo hounds. As for hospitality there was no end of it, and as for girls ! Heigh-ho! it was a lucky thing for the Colonel aud 1 that our oldchuf then was death on matrimony in the regiment, or wo should not be'ehaking loose legs now. I tell you, boys, if yon don't lose your lives over the walls, or your hoarts over the girls, you are a tougher lot than you look." "Any betting fellows down in the wilds there, Major?" drawled Fred. Hall, the captain of C Troop, as he languidly crossed tho room and joined the group. "By Jove 1 Dolly, but you will bo in your element. Tho men there aro ready for any sort of extraordinary wager, and I think will even make you upon your eye. Nothing is too hot or heavy for them." "I suppose they will," lisped the Captain, in such an innocent, attless way thataroar oi laughter wontaround the room. "Dolly" Hull was a man of about seven-and-twenty, with fair, curly hair, light mustache, and face that would havo looked moro in place over a silk dress than surmounting the green-faced Ituuio of the Lancers. Everything was a "bore" to Dolly, anil no duty (or pleasure for the mat ter of that) was gone into without an amount of lamentation over the hard ness oi his luck in having to exert himself. But tho fellows in tho regi ment knew that Dolly could rouse himself when occasion required, as ho had been twice mentioned in dis patches for gullnutry in the Souduu campaign. It quite annoyed Doliy to bo re minded of these lapses from his nor iual stato of ennui. "What the duco could I do?" ho would say in a piteously apologetic tone when asked about au Egyptian, exploit. With plenty of money and an ar-i dent love of sport (iu his own peculiari fashion), Hall was never happy UUIOSH, he had a bet on something, it did noti matter what, from a Dei by favorite to a cheese maggot race acioss a plate. Some woudcriul betting transactions ho hu<l had since he joined the Lan cers, aud as ho was always pretty cer tain to be on the winning side, the merriment of his brother officers was natural. "The Green Lancers" loft Dublin for tho West, and the Major and a squadron were quartered at Ballin robe, •'Dolly" Hall being ono of tho officers with him. Tho gentry (and ladies) of tho neighborhood received tho gallant Lancers with open arms, and tho dopondency of the subs quick ly vanished. What with salmon fish iug, grouse, woodcock and pheasaut shooting, and hunting with tho South Mfcyo's, the station was voted a first class one. Dolly Hall was a particular favorite with both sexes of the natives—tho men liked him because ho was a rat tling ,'goad sportsman whatever way you took him, aud tho ladies made a perfect pet of him from his being so totally different to tho men they were in tho habit of meeting. When I saw Dolly was a favorite with all I ought to have excepted Giles McCarthy, of Bollyboden, who looked upon tho gal lant Captain with anything but a fav orable eye. There was no better man to hounds in the county than McCarthy, and chiofly on this account ho was tho fav ored squire of tho Diana of tho dis trict, Hose Mahon. But when Dolly came on tho scene McCarthy was no where, and the rage of tho latter at being deposed, was desperate. What galled him most was that the Captain treated him so coolly, aud never ap peared in tho slightest degree ruffled at the most cutting thing that could be said. Toward the close of the hunting season tho Lancers gave a dance at the Barracks, iiml the county people cume en masse to it. Tho meet of the South Mayo's had been at Bulliurobo that morning, and ltoso Mahon and Dolly were in the first flight all through u fast forty minutes from Creagh. Koso waß radiant at the dance. Sho had got that coveted trophy—tho brush—iu tho moruing, and Dolly was her devoted attendant in the evening, dancing more than ho had ever been known to sinoo ho joined the regi ment. " Oilca McCarthy was not a dancing man, so he was doing wall flower, and a very dark wall flower he looked. His black [hunter, Owenmoro, had never gone BO badiy with him, and llutly refused to negotiate a small drain he met at tho beginning of tho run, leaving the disgusted Giles quite out of tho hunt. It was gall and wormwood to him to too that "fop of u cockney captain" beside llose Mahon, sailing away over everything. Dolly and Miss Mahon wcro iloating round in a waltz, aud brought up just where tho glum McCarthy stood. "Ah! Mr. McCarthy, aro you there ? T thought you were still in one of those Orengh ditches," said Rose, with a merry laugh. "What on earth came over tho redoubtable Owenmoro to bohavo in such a fashion?" "Neither ho nor his master care for bog-trotting, Miss Mahon," rcpliod Giles, looking as black as thunder. "So Irish, don't you know, Miss Kose—won't have water atauy price," lispod Doliy. in the silkiest of tones. "If you call those bits of jjotato fur rows that we had to-day, water, I don't liko it," snarled McCarthy. "But I wi3h we had you over our side for a day umougst tho walls, Captain Hall, and perhaps some of the gilt wculd come off your gingerbread." "Why, my dear fellow, I adore walls." "There are walls, aud walls in it. Perhaps yon wouldn't adore a good five foot, coped one," sneered tho now furious Giles. "Oh! That's only a trifle," drawled Dolly. "I'd drive a horse and trap over that." "Yon would, would you!" yelled McCarthy, "i'il bet you a hundred you don't!" "Make it two," was tho quiet an swer, "and I'll do it within the week." "Done!" cried Giles. "Right," from Dolly; and with a "shall we?" to tho astonished Rose, they glided off into tho waltz again. Tho news of tho bet went round the ball room liko a bit of scandal through a country town. For McCarthy could not repress his jubilation over the soft thing he had got on the English Cap tain. "Hang it all! Dolly, what sort of an absurd wager is this I hear you have made with that fellow, Mc- Carthy? ' said tho Major, as soon as he could get a chance of speaking to Hall. "What do you intenddoingabout it?" "Haven't an idea, my dear Major, but it will come out alt right, you'll liud." "But the thing's ridiculous, man, and we'll have a whole county laugh ing at us," urged tho Major. "Let them luugh who win. Wait till 1 think it out over a cigar and you 11 see wo come out on top after all." "Well, you know it is only making that boor a prosout of two hundrod. However, it is you will havo to pay it, ' said tho Major, with an imputicnt shrug of his shoulders, "and except for the credit of the regiment I sup pose it is no business of mine. An other case of 'u fool and his money.' "Yes, but roiuember whnt the Latin poet says: "'Fortnna favet fatuis." And perhnps I may be an idiot that Fortuuo favors, Major," replied Dolly, in a dreamy sort of way, as he saun tered off to claim Roso Mahon for an other waltz. Nothing was talked of in Mayo for tho next couplo of days but Captain Hall's extraordinary wager, tho gen eral opinion being that ho would iu tho end declaro otT and pay over the money. Threo days after the ball a letter ar rived from McCarthy, reminding Dolly that half the time named had expired, ami asking his intention with regard to the bet. "As," ho wrote, "it was a play or pay bet, I shall thank you to send me your cheque for two hundred pounds by Tuesday next, in the event of your not carry ing out your part of the business." The reply to this epistle was: "Derir Sir—l shall bo quite prepared to carry out my part of tho business on Mon day next if you will drive overbore to lunch. •'Yours faithfally, •'FEED IIALL. '•Cavalry Barracks, Ballinrobe. "P. S.—-Would you mind driving that clover white-faced chestnut I saw you riding at Clare morris meet V You say he is a good trapper. 1 want such a horse and will buy him if wo can agroo to a price. F. H." Many a chuckle had McCarthy and hie chums over that letter. "The Hofty of a fellow is not content I with making mo a present of a couple of hundred quid," ho said to Peter Blake, "but wants to throw away somo more on that old chestuut screw. He's a smart hunter, nodoubt, and showy in harness, but no vet. would pass him with those hocks. However, if I can kuock another tifty or so out of tho dandy English Captaiu, I shall have a good day of it next Monday." Tho McCarthyites got on all tho money they could at two to one against tho Cuptaiu. Such good business was it thought that sevoral of them drove ovor to Ballinrobe on Saturday to seo if any of the officers could bo found willing to put on somo more with them. They wcro rather talson aback by t he readiness of the Lancers to accom modate them, and the feeling increased 1 o ono of real uneasiness, when the Major dropped in and cheerfully re marked that "if all the money wasn't exhausted ho didn't mind having u 'pony' or two on Hall ut evens." "Pooh! nonsenso!" blurted the con fident ,Giles, when his cronies came back and told him. "Those soldiers always try to blnti you. They know right well that their man has not a ghost of a chance, but they won't acknowledge it. Our money is safo enough, never you fear. It's not like a case whero you could train a horse to the work ; big a fool as the follow is he's not going to smash up a horse, trap and himself, to try if tho thing can bo done. I'm sorry you didn't get somo more on at evens, for it's sure money; you may take my word for it." "I don't seo how wo can possibly lose either," said Peter Blalto, "but the wholo lot of them seomod so cock suro that I couldn't help thinking they had a trump up their sleeve some way or another." Monday camo and it found Giles McCarthy on his way over to Ballin robe, driving the white-faced chestnut in a smart, light polo cart. His friends were following him in force, all anxious to seo tho Englishman loso his wager. About half a mile outside Ballinrobe who should they meet but Dolly Hall sauntering quietly along tho road. "Ho! McCarthy, glad to eee you. Come to win tliut two hundred pounds off me, I'll take a seat with you up to the barracks if you've uo objection." "Delighted," said Giles, in tho best of good-humor at tho prospect of pocketing his money, and of making a good deal over tho chestnut screw. "This is the horse you asked me in your nolo to drive over, Captain." "Capital trapper," remarked Dolly; and yon say he can jump'.'" "JBoilad! ho can. Tho wall isn't built in Mayo that would stop the same horse. I never know him turn from a feuco and he's good for teu Irish miles an hour, between the shafts." "Just tho thing to suit me," said Dolly. "What's his price?" "Well, I don't caro to sell him at nil; but I'll give him to you at £75 and he's tho cheapest horse in Ireland at tho money." "Suy £BO pounds and it's a deal," replied Dolly. "Would you mind let ting mo have tho ribbons till 1 soo how ho feels." "With pleasure," said tho delighted Giles, na ho saw a certain salo in view. "You'll know ,whut ho is tho minute you take a hold of him. Dolly profcsseilto be greatly pleased, praised mouth, style and pace, and declared that the horse was worth the price asked for him. Just then they came to a cornor where a turn was made into a road lending to tho bnrracks. With a shout that could bo heard a milo away, Dolly brought tho whip down sharply on the chestnut, who ro sented such unusuai treatment by a couple of wild plunges and dashed round a bend in the road, where, not thirty yards m front of them, was a stone wall built right acrosstheir path. "Stop! stop!" yelled Giles. "Are you mad?" and ho tried to seize tho reins from tho Captain, but Dolly leant to one side, and holding his arm well out prevented his getting hold of them. Auotlicr shout, and tho chestnut went tit tho wall like a rocket. Then came a spring, a crash, and a con fused heap of wreckage bu the off side. Dolly was the first to struggle to his feet from tho debris, and shouted to McCarthy, who was doubled up in u thick clump of blackthorns by tho road side: "I've won my bet, McCarthy ! I'll givo you £IOO for the lot now, and will thank you for tho balunce." Half a dozen heads wero now seen looking over tho walls on both sides of tho road, and tho Major was the first to jump over and shako Dolly by tho hand. Giles was furious. His clothos wero torn into ribbons, bis face aud hands had the appearance of having been thoroughly goue over with a fino garden rake, and altogether ho was a most dilapidated spectacle. His inutter ings wero both loud and deep. "An action," an "infernal swindle," and so on, was tho burden of his song. "No swindle at all, my dear fellow." said the Major, pleasantly. "Mr. Crawford, the county surveyor, is here with us to certify that the wdtll was the correct height at any part;- and coped as agreed npon. These gentlemen and myself are witnesses that tho korso fairly jumped the wall, aud that trap and all landed on the oil side. So there can be no question but that Captain Hall has won his bet." "He never said he'd do it with my horse," roared Giles, furiously. "And, my dear fellow, I'm very sure 1 never said I'd do it with mine," lisped the imperturbable Dolly. Tho McCarthy contingent looked very crestfallen, but accepted tho- Major's invitation up to lunch at the barracks, though Giles stalked wratk fully away without a word to anyone. At lunch they were told how Dolly had planned out tho whole thing; but somehow their mirth was of a very strained character. Tho chestnut was Roon none tho worse for his jump, and is a primo pet of Iloso Hall's still.—Outing. SELECT SIFTING*. In Japan tho fluto is played only by men of rank. Tho big bridge at Montreal, Canada, ie nearly two miles long. Artificial bleaching of celery is said to sxjoil its taste and crispness. Big crabs are found in India. Some of them measure two feet in length. Paris connoisseurs affirm that old horses for food aro more tender than young ones. It is said that tho gold product of Montana for 1891 shows an increase of seventy-five xier cent, over that of 1893. Canadian Indians liavo tho old Ro man habit of alternately gormandizing and sleeping when tkero is a mooso at tho fire. Old Tom Tudor, of Mount Olivet, Ky., celebrated his eightieth birthday by marrying for tho seventh time. His children do not object to the match. Japan is a corruption of tho Chi nese word Shi-jieu-kue, which means "root of day," or "sunriso kingdom," because Japan is directly cast of China. A New York woman is charged with training hor twenty-mouths-old baby to toddle into the rooms of a largo boarding house and steal money and jewelry. ' The first surgeon to uso tho antisep tic treatment for wounds was Sir Jos eph Lister, tho famous Euglish oper ator. Ho is now about to retire from his x>rofession on account of old ago. Although Italians are very much addicted to quoting, they liuvo never had a dictionary of quotations. Such a work, tracing 1575 quotations to their original sources, has just been published in Milan. Mound City, Mo., has a thirteen year-old boy who weighs 242 x>ounds; and Casco, Me., a twelve-year-old girl who weighs 225 This may servo to introduce them one to tho other, and who kuows wkut may Jkax>- pen later? A model has recently boen made to illustrate tho currents of the Atlantic. Tho water is blown out of various noz zles representing tho mean direction of the x>erinrtnent winds. The move ment of the water is mado percepti ble by a dust sprinkled over its Bur face. Oats sometimes cscapo from cultiva tion and grow from year to year so persistently as to seem wild. They liavo been found thus iu regions as widely scimratod as Algeria aud Japan, the Pyrenees and North China, the Hebrides and the Desert of Mount Sinai. On the skeleton of a lady who died at Pompeii were found two golden oracelets, six of silver, four golden anlilets, four earrings, thirty finger rings, a golden collar, a golden belt and a golden baud on hor head, while by her hand lay a x'urso containing 197 silver coins. A singular feature of the decorations of tho city of Leeds, England, on tho recent visit of tho Duke and Duchess of York was a triplo archway formed entirely of loaves of bread aud en closed in a light frame of wood and iron. Nearly six tons of bread were used in its construction, and tho next day it was all distributed among tho [Door. Dentists Dread Fins Weather. A PkiJadeliJkia dentist says that dentists always dread fino weather. "I can always tell," he exx>lains, "when a storm is coming without con - sulting cither a barometer or tho weather foreensts. My x )a ti e ats "4*° the best barometers iu the world. teeth are peculiarly affected by damp weather, particularly bad teeth. When strangers begin Hocking to my office complaining of toothacko and pains in the jaw, 1 know that we are going to have a spell of bad weather. A good bit of it is neuralgia, but it is a sure sign. This rush of business keepß up until tho stormy weather sets in, and whon business fally off I know tho storm is abating, uud that we will have fine weather. When toothache patients ure few and far between you can rest assured that a season of pleas ant weathor is at hand."—New York Tribune. An Easy Persuader. Tho humanity fad is carried to very extreme lengths in these days. Ouo of its latest x>roducts is a humane policeman's club, invented by a Con necticut physician. It is warranted to quiet tho most obstreporous tough without dangor of fracturing the skull, injuring his brain or doing him any otlior serious damage. The club has a rubber handle and end, with u cen tral piece of hickory, also rubber covered. Tho polico department ef Louisville is considering its adoxHion. | —New Orleans Picayune. THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE. STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE, FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. An Ode to St. Crispin—A Purist Abroad—Well Along—Means of' [success, Ktc., Etc. The shoemaker's life Is awl but fast And his sole waxes strong each day; Each job depends upon his last, And ho keeps pegging nwnv. —Boston Courier. A rURIST ABROAD. "Say, is thoro a foliar with a wooden leg by tho name of Smith livin' hero?" "Whut's tho numo of his other leg?" —Life. WELL ALONG. "Sheis a girl of seventoontsnmmers." "Indeed! How old was she when she bogan to have summers?"— Detroit Tribune. MEANS.OF SUCOES3. Stern Father—-"Ho who sows the wind reaps tho whirlwind." Prodigal Son—"Well, ho raises the wind, anywhere."—Detroit Tribuno. THE VITAL POINT. Kitty—"What do you suppose her age is?" Tom—"l don't know. But a wo man's age doesn't matter so much as how long sho has been' that age."— Puck. SURE TO RECOVER. "Doctor, do you think.my wife will recover?" "Oh, yes. I told her Lmlrcady had a wife picked out for you -in case sho didn't get well."—Life. MODERN TRADE. Merchant—"Tho bargain,salo didn't go very well to-day." Floor Walker—"No. I think wo had better strengthen our rush line. Ladies get to the counter too easily." —Detroit Tribune. RULING PASSION IN DEATH. Mrs. Coodove—"Did you know that old Fustian, the drygoodß merchant, is dying by inches?" Mr. Coodove—"ls that so? Well, ho won't last long. Ho always gives short measure."—-Puck. A NARROW ESCAPE. Ho—"I believe there was an acci dent at tho church lair the other night." She—"l saw nothing of it." He—"There was, though. A couple of fellows got away with, thoir car fare."—Puck. NAD niM THERE. Ho—"I wondor wheu you will bo able to ect as good a tablo us my mother does?" She—"By tho time you are able to provide as good a table as your father does, my dear."— Burlington (Iowa) Gazette. PLAINTIVE. "A human life," said tho sentimen tal young man, "is a poem -tragic, comic, sentimental, as the case may be." "Yes," sighod Miss Passoigh, "and so many of us are rejected manu scripts."—Washington Star. THEFT WITH GENEROUS MOTIVES. Emma—"l'm in despair as to how I shall get my husband a Chrisinas present. Mary—"How's that?" Emma—"You see, lie's out of town so much theso days that I don't have any chance to go through his pookct." j —Chicago Record. CRUEL. "Hcr-neck-is-likethe-swan'a," sho was warbling, when her husband re marked in tho surly way peouliar to somo men : "Swans sing before they die," and the silence that followed was so ex hausting that he took his hat and went to the club. —Detroit Free Press. ALL FIXED. Foggs—"ls tho 9.1S train here yet?" Station Agent—"Twenty minutos late." Foggs—"Would you mind telling my wife to wait, if the train gets here before I get back?" Station Agent—"But how am I to know her?" Foggs—"Ah! to be sure; I hadn't thought of that. Well, tell her not to wait."—Pack. STILL KEEPING IT UP. Meekly the Western politicians awaited the word of the female De mosthenes. "Will you support your husband?" they asked; "can we count upon you?" "Yes," sho snapped, as tho color came to her sallow chooks; "haven't I always dono it?" And'then the oldest among them re membered that sho had taken in wash ing before sho becamo a political lec turer. OF COURSE THEY DO. "I wonder," said the sentimental boarJeress, "if tho little birds make any plans for their homes in tho spring." "Of course thoy do," said the cheer ful idot. "Don't they have to make a nest to mate?" The custard pie that tho astonished waiter girl let drop to tho floor at this juncture fell on its soft side and, con sequently, was deducted from her week's wages.—lndianapolis Joarnal. A PARLIAMENTARY POINT. The old parliamentarian did not like the young man who was playing court (o his daughter, ami the nest time.ho cnmo to 800 her the paternal stopped into the reception room and asked him to depart. "Bat, air—" began the caller, in protest. "Your remarks, sir," ho interrupted, as he hold the door open, "are not in order. A motion to adjourn is not debatable," and tho motion carried.— Detroit Free Press. GETTING AT AN ANSWER. The lady witness was on the stand. Q. "What is your age?" A.—"l haven't any." Q. —"What is your youth?" A. "lnexhaustible." "lnexhaustible." Q. "How old aro you?" A. "I am not yet old." Q. —"How young are you?" A.—"As young as I ever was." Q. —"How many years have you lived?" A.—"l do not measure time by yenrs, but by heart throbs." Q. —"Are you married?" A.—"No, thank goodness." Court (to baliff) "Mr. Officer, count tho witness' pulse and calculate how long sho has lived from 1849 to 1894."—Detroit Free Press. HABIT. They had fnllen in love. Mimic scones of afTeotion which they had oft enacted they were now going through in earnest. "And now," ho said, "we must part." "Farewell," she murmured. "Farewell," he replied. "And once again, farewell." "Farewell, farowell." "Alas! Wo must he severed. Faro well." "Farowell," ho sighed, and sho re sponded as usual. Thoy did not coaso till tho milk man came urouad in tho gray dawn. It was a strougo situa tion, indeed, but ono that could not not be nverted. Ho was an English actor and sho was a prima donna. Inadvertently they had commenced fnrowelling, and couldn't stop.— Washington Star. THE UNABASHED BRIDEGROOM. Years ago a mushroom oil town called Sawyer City sprang up in a few weeks during tho petroleum excite ment in tho Bradford oil region. One day a bark peelor and his bride from tho backwoods wero taking a twenty milo wedding journey on tho railroad that traversed that section of tho country. They wero very happy and caressed each other freely, unmind ful of tho smiles of their fellow pas sengers. As the train pulled into Sawyer City and tho bridegroom im printed his one huudrod and ninety ninth kiss upon tho fair one's lips, a brakeman opeuod tho car door and shouted, "Sawyer!" "Don't oaro ef yo did ["retorted the happy groom. Then turning triumphantly to his bride, ho made it an oven two hun dred.—The Chestnut. A Horse Patched Up With Rabbit Skin, "I wanted a pony for some reason," said an Albuquerquo (New Mexico) citizen the other day, "and I com municated my desire to a friend of a crowd of greasy citizons of tho out skirts. Tho next day I was besieged with oilers. I looked all over tho lot and picked threo or four to make my final selection from. After sovornl hours I sottled ou an nnimal that I thought to bo in tho pink of condition and form. I took him for a good round sum and a trade thrown into tho bargain. "I rode home on the animal. As I got into my quarters I noticed thnt tho horse uppeared to bo uneasy, ai if suffering from injury. As I livo I found that n patch of skin sevoral iuehes square hud come off his back. I looked into it and discovered that tho horso was raw there and that he had been patched up with rubbit or some other skin for tho timo being. Those ludiaus stood by each other, too, for I eould never locate the scoundrel who had swindled me. I have sinco concludod that thoy wore all wrong, and that had I brought tho outfit I would have found the oddest aßsortmont of patched horses that it was over tho fortune of a white man to look upon." Wild Turkeys the Finest. Contrary to the usual course of nature, tho turkey has not been im proved by domestication, tho largest and finest specimen being still found in the wild state. A full-grown wild cook often measures in length nearly four feet, and from tip to tip may reach as much as five feet in width. Tho hen is about a third smaller. Tho cock weighs from fifteen to twenty pounds; and Audubon found one in tho Louisville market weighing thirty six pounds. Both tho wild and tamo turkoy are at their prime condition late in tho autumn or early in tho winter—about Thanksgiving timu, in short; but tho wild ones are some times RO fat at that season, upon being shot and falling from a tree, they will sometimes burst open.—New York Independent. llow Heads Grow. A Rtory was told by Tioknor, who said it was a singular faot that the head of Daniel Webster grew larger after he hud passed middlo age. Tiok nor, knowing Webster intimately, asked him about the matter, and re ceived tho reply, "Yes, I find that I have constantly to increase the size of my hats." Wo may observe that this interest ing phenomenon does not depend en tirely upon increase of years, for com paratively young naval officers hnvo been known to complain of a tightness in their headgear after the meutal strain involved in taking lunar obser vations,—The At heaauuxu.
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers