NOR VOICE NOR SPEECH. When love its bleesedness hath brought To one who Ion? and long hath sought, How impotent of sp cell, if he Hath aught of IOVO'H humility? What worde the story can translate When one hath found hie own soul's mate? What voice hath he that can befit A joy Bo almost infiuite? There cannot be a common tongue For soul and body, HO among The world of words I wander, lost. Not finding what I need the most. Not till the soul from earth is free Will it have wisdom perfectly To tell what bliss its being moves, To speik heaven's language, which is love's. And yet, beloved, herc we are, On earth and heaven lies afar; Nor would I haste, my very dear, To learn the language of that sphere— Karth is so sweet, so, dearest take What I can give for love's own sake; And of sweet silence, I beseech. Take what transcends my utmost speech; And where 1 fail, 1 pray let her lie my mute soul's interpreter. —[L'arlotta Perry, in Times-Democrat. ' The tajjle Woods. BY M. qi'AD. In the year 1832, my uncle, Silas I Wright, living in Chenango County, New York, decided to make a trip to j Michigan, with a view to settling there. He had a family, and was a man of con siderable means. He was a stout, hearty man, who had made his property by hard I work, and he was just the man who ! would defend his means with his life, if | occasion required. He reached Detroit without adventure, and after spending a day or two in the i city to make inquiries, lie determined to ' travel into the interior and look up sonic land. lie had about a thousand dollars with him, mostly in bank-notes, and he took a friend's warning and pur chased a pair of double-barreled pistols and a good knife. He learned from the newspapers and from citizens that many lawless characters were prowling about the interior of the Territory, and his preparations were only a matter of pru- i dence. 1 have often heard him tell of what befell him on his trip, aud I now let him tell it to the reader "I left Detroit in company with a man named David Comstock, from Ohio, who was in tiie Territory on the same mis sion —to locate a farm for himself. ! After making duo inquiries, and learn- I iug that some very choice government! land could be found by traveling north- ! east, we took our departure ou foot. It was in September. The roads were in j bad condition, and wc believed lliat we could get along better on foot than with saddle-horses, especially as we might have trouble in finding provender for the beasts, and as we would now and then want to leave the road, which ran northeast, and was little better than a path. The trees hud been cut down iu some places, to make a highway some thirty feet wide, and again the path wound among the trees so that the pas sage of a vehicle would have been an im possibility. There was not a bridge on the route, and the cabins of the settlers were sometimes miles apart. All the goods and provisions taken in had to be packed on horses, or carried on the backs of tire settlers. "Comstock had about five hundred dollars with him. The money was all in gold, in five and ten-dollar gold pieces, and he had it tied up iu a handkerchief and thrust into his bosom. He was armed with a single-barreled pistol only, not having so much .as a jack-knife besides. So far JUS I could judge lie was not the man for an emergency, having hut little confidence in his* pistol, and none at all in himself, lie laid heard of the horse thieves, counterfeiters, and desperadoes wc should be likely to encounter, and we had hardly lost sight of the city when lie began to express itis fears that we were ] unwise in making the trip. "During the forenoon we met several j hunters and quite a number of settlers, j most of them on their way into Detroit. Every man carried a rifle, most of them ' a pistol and knife, and all were uncouth and savage-looking in our eyes. We had started out soon after seven o'clock, and despite the bad condition of the path, for a part of the way, had made a distance of thirteen miles when we sat down on a log to eat our dinner. We had provided ourselves with dried beef, crackers, cheese and other articles, enough to last for two or three days, and each of us had a stout blanket, being warned that we might have to depend on ourselves for provisions and lodgings. "We had passed at least beyond two miles of civilization, and just previous 1 to eating had been told by a traveler that I we would not find another cabin for five miles. We had seen no land to suit us j as yet, and were determined not to end our trip until we had seen the fine tim- ! bered country which was said to lie awaiting purchasers and settlers within two days' tramp of Detroit. "After satisfying our hunger, aud j while I was gathering up and packing! away the remains of the meal, Comstock ' discovered that his money was not se- I curely tied up, and he "drew out his | handkerchief to retie the knot, lie! knew that 1 had money. I knew of his 1 gold, and so lie did not hesitate to tin-1 fold the handkerchief and exhibit tie bright yellow pieces, which looked trulv i tempting in the September sunlight. ' j •' 'That's a fair share of gold for a man to carry around in the woods. I hain't: seed so much for a year.' "We looked up, to find a man stand- I ing within three feet of us- a wicku <|. looking fellow, with long red hair, red beard all over his face, ana a pair of eves ' which would not have been out of place in the head oS a wolf "He stood 1,„„ n , . fl and his appearance f(> ; •_ meat, lie must have watching us for some time from hcU„,| sfJll|o , large trees, and had taken a! vanta ,, c of the moment when we Lent ovei Mi<.~r o ld to step out and come nearer. ° ' "My hand went up to my breast u.q | nulled at the butt of one of the pistols 1 but a fiendish smile showed itself in the stranger's eyes. He lifted his rille a lit ate, and remarked: ••'Noneo that, at ranger. I kin put a bullet into your eye before you git that plaything half ready to shoot.' 4 "Who arc you, ami what do you want V I inquired, considerably excited and not at all liking the fellow's word's and looks. " 4 Kz to that,* he replied, grinning like a baboon, and lowering his rille again, 'it's none o 1 yer business, but 1 don't mind telling ye. [ ar' culled Hank Williams by some, an' others call me what they please. I don't ginerully toll my business to strangers; but, in this case, I ar' free to say that I goes where I likes, comes when I wish, and stays fz long ez I car' to 1' <4 He laughed as he ceased speaking— a laugh more like the growl of a bull dog than anything else, and his eyes roved back to the gold, which Comstoc k, in his amazement, had nearly forgotten and quite neglected. My friend caught his look, and was not a minute iu tying up and stowing away his money. 4 4 4 Land-hunters, i s'pose ?' remarked the stranger, after a pause which neither of us was inclined to break, anxious as wc were to get rid of the man, and hop ing that he would take himself away. I "I replied that we were of that class, and proceeded to make some inquiries of the man, realizing that it was more prudent to be civil than to exhibit our dislike of his presence. I praised the country, remarked on the civility of the ' pioneers whom we had thus far encount ered, and offered the fellow our provision bag. 4 4 4 Yes, this ar' a fine country,' he re marked, never noticing the provisions. Td like to tramp with ye for two or tree days an' show ye some of the finest land in the world, but I've got a press of business just now, and ye'll have to cxcoosc me—ha! ha! ha!' "I could not sec anything mirthful in his remarks, especially as his face grew more wicked as he uttered them, but I made no reply, and he walked off, we continuing to watch him until lie was hidden among the trees. "Comstock was greatly frightened at the incident, and was for set'iug out for Detroit immediately, declaring that the man having seen his gold, would follow aud murder us at the first opportunity. 4 While I believed the man's cupidity had been excited, and that he might not I hesitate to commit murder for the sake i j <>f gold, I would not listen to Comstock's | idea of going back. I argued that we could plunge into the woods, make a long detour, and then throw the man off 1 j our trail, if he inten led following us, or I we could keep the path and take a run I j for a mile or two, getting among the s settlers again before Williams, as he I called himself, could come up. i 4 'Talking in this way Comstock's fears | finally vanished, and wc started off and I ran for a mile without a halt. Then, i walking auothcr mile at a fast pace, we 1 concluded that we were safe from pur- i suit, and at the end of the next mile had 1 almost forgotten the noonday incident. 44 Wc were getting into a finer country; ' the road was better defined, the settlers' cabins were more frequent, and Comstock j felt quite jolly, boasting that wc could j i have easily finished oil the hunter had he j ] attempted violence. 44 About four o'clock in tlic afternoon 1 we came upon a prairie about forty acres in extent, and paused for a moment to j I survey it. The hieroglyphics on a tree j j near the path showed that the land had j ! already been applied for, and we envied | | the lucky man. Wc were then a mile j beyond the last cabin, where a woman ' had informed us that we would have the ! 1 same distance to tramp from the prairie j < before reaching another. She had fur- i j tlier informed us that four miles on 1 would bring us to 'The Log Tavern,'! which was situated at a spot where 4 the I west road' crossed this one. "As i stood leaning against a tree. 1 looking about, I caught sight of some-1 j thing moving out from behind a large I oak about fifty feet away, i 4 'Looking sharply, I saw a fur cap ap pear, then a mass of red hair, and then | the face of Williams! lie must have seen | that my face was turned toward him, for lie drew his head quickly back, and I saw no more of him, though I continued look-! : iug at the tree until Comstock had moved j ! on quite a distance. j "It was now certain that the man was ' dogging our steps. Wc had failed to j elude him by our run, and I felt, as I i ! started on after my friend, that the vil lain would shoot at one or the other as we moved out on the prairie. If I turned i \ about and walked up to his hiding-place, j he would be sure to shoot me; if we kept I on, he might pass the opportunity by. ] ! Thus I reasoned as I followed Comstock. "If you have never experienced the ! feeling that an enemy is behind you, prepared to lodge a bullet in your body, i ! having an inclination to do so, and you I expecting he will do so, you cannot im- • ' agine how I felt. The chills danced up j my spine, I felt my hair crawl, my knees j were weak, and had Comstock looked around he would have seen a pale face. I I was thirty rods or so from the tree bc hind which I knew the villain to bcliid- I iug, when the feeling became so opprcs j sive that I stopped and wheeled about, determined to see if the man was in sight, j 44 The movement saved my life. As I | wheeled, a bullet cut through the rim of ! my slouch hat,passed close to Comstock, 1 and went singing over the prairie. Then I wc heard the report of a rille, aud both , caught the smoke from the tree, j " 'Great Heavens! who did that?' cx ; claimed Comstock, his face as white as a ' ! sheet. j "I knew Williams had tried to murder i I one of us, but as he did not make his j appearance from behind the tree after a j moment's waiting, I concluded not to , tell my friend what I had seen. ; 414 1t was a stray shot from a hunter's ritle,' I replied, as coolly as 1 could. 'Wc ! had better move on.' "As we turned, about a dozen Indians, all on foot, appeared on the farther side of the prairie, and I knew wo were safe from another shot. liy hurrying across J the prairie, we should have a*good start j on the villain, who would not cross until I wc had entered the timber, and we 1 could make the distance to the nearest, * dwelling. "We had passed the Indians with a * mere word, and after entering the tim- > bcr, ran almost every step of the way to * the cabin. It lacked only an hour of sun- f down when we reached it, an we had made up our minds to stop there for the j ( night. Great was our disappointment, 1 therefore, to find the door nailed up, and ' rude letters on it announcing, 'gOnc j 1 BnCk to olilO—curse suCII A ' Country!' i 1 "The furniture had all been taken out, | 1 the place had a lonesome look, and, at I ( the risk of auothcr shot from Williams. ' I advised that we push on to the Log 1 Tavern. Comstock agreed, and just at ' sunset, without having seen or heard our : enemy, wc arrive 1 at our destination, ' Ihe name given the hamlet was M | Smith's Corners. Besides the tavern, 4 , which was only a fair-sized log-house, 1 ! there was a sort of trading-post and the •' : house of another settler. The whole 1 j clearing was not over six acres in extent. j saw corn and pumpkins growing in I < j a lien but tho balance of the clearing M j was co\l .li'd with brush, stumps, and ' l , 0 " s * y* Indians stood around the door of the others wore niling away, ami to. S c c ne was wikl luid Huvngu enough to luvo ... tisH<M | tUo cmv . nigs of any romancer. " There was no one prcse.t, as wc walked into the tavern, nearly i,|f () j which was partitioned off as a putAk; • room. Benches were ranged around the I walls, a liugefirc-i.lticoociiiipicil one end, and a keg of whisky, and a pint cup - rested on the end of one bench " Mfillo, strangers " cried a 'voice, as we drew up before the lire, for the night was quite chilly. ' Which way did ye : come from?' j " 1 leaped up as I heard the tones, aud - as I turned and caught sight of a red - head, a face covered with bristles, and s two hyena eyes, I looked to see where the , man's ritle was, believing him to be i Williams. The same voice, same hair and bristles—it was he or his brother! 44 * What's the matter? —lost yer power o' answering a civil questiou?' continued i the man, appearing somewhat put out at * our astonishment—Comstock having the ? same feeling. 44 4 I—I—thought you were some one— some one else!' I replied, finding my voice at last. 44< IIa!ha! llow can I be some one else and still be Dan Green?' laughed the man—the same high! ugh!' which Wil liams had uttered. 4 But you ar' from Detroit, I s'pose, an' I calkerlatc that you mean you want to stay all night?' 44 1 replied that we so desired, and he went to a door and called to Mane' to get supper ready for two. lie then threw another log on the lire, took a drink of whisky, and went out, saying that the woman would call us when the meal was prepared. " 4 That's the same man who met us at noon!' whispered Comstock, his hand shaking as he laid it on my arm. 4 4 4 I thought so at first, but he is not,' I replied. 'This man has a scar across his forehead, while the other had none.' 4 4 When the man had drunk from the | cup, lie pushed up his cap, and I caught sight of the scar. I ha<l also observed that he was shorter and stouter than Wil- I liams, and felt satisfied that he had a separate identity. However, 1 had made up 1113' mind that the pair were brothers! No two men not of the same blood could look so near alike, and have voices so singularly brutal and unpleasant. I did not dare to tell Comstock of this opinion, as I saw that he was already badly fright ened. Anything further, 1 feared, would ! completely upset him. 4 'l was doing my best to reassure my friend, when the woman called us to supper. The fare consisted of corn cof fee, Johnny cake, and salt pork, and the appearance of the room was in keeping with it. The woman was tall and stout, her hair cut short, her eyes blaek and ugly, and I did not like her looks in the least. She watched us covertly while wc ate, and did not so much as utter a word. "During the meal I made up my mind that we would settle for our supper, and leave tiie house for a night in the woods, feeling that we should be as safe with the wild beasts as with sueh evil looking people, liut as we walked to the door I saw that a cold drizzling rain had j commenced to fall, and the lire felt so comfortable that 1 did not broach my | plan to Comstock. Perhaps we were ! too suspicious, and, living unused to the way of the pioneers, had wronged the people about us. I was pursuing this train of thought when the landlord came [ in, replenished the fire, and chatted so | civilly about the country, the people, the I chances, etc., that I quite forgot my 1 former suspicions. j "It came to be nine o'clock almost be- i fore 1 knew it. One or two Indians had 1 come and gone, the atmosphere had ' grown colder, tho lire felt ntore and ' more comfortable, and I was ready to doze as the landlord went to see about our lied. lie had just stepped out, when Comstock gave a cry of alarm, his I face blanched: | " 'Look there! Look at that face against the window!' I "I turned quickly about, but could j see no face—only the panes wet with the ! rain. " 'Either the landlord or the man who met us iu the woods was looking through that window!' said Comstock, as I turned again to the fire. | 4 'l was about to ask for further infor | mation, when the land lord came back and announced that we could turn in. I He also told us that it had been arranged I for Comstock to sleep down stairs; but I my friend at once protested so strongly | against this that we were both allowed to mount the rough ladder to the loft ' over the bar-room, where some skins and quilts had been spread. 4 4 4 We shall both be murdered before morning!'whispered my friend, as soon as the landlord had retired. "lie then informed me further in re gard to the face at the window, and was so sure he had seen Williams, that I finally agreed with him that there might be danger, and told him of the relation ship wliich I believed existed between the two men. We were iu for it in any case, and the most we could do was to prepare for what might happen. We looked to our pistols, saw that they were in order, and then agreed to take turns in watching, so that the villains could cot surprise us if they meant us harm. Neither of us was to undress, but, if not disturbed, wo could manage to get n little sleep as we were. Purposely or otherwise, the landlord had given us not more than an inch of candle, and this burned out while we were talking. 4 4 The floor was a loose affair, and the light from the bar-room fire shone up through a dozen cracks. The ladder led from the kitchen, was placed about twenty feet from our bed, aud there was no door above, nothing whatever to pre vent any one from making the ascent. "As I was to take the first watch, j Comstock removed his gold from his 1 bosom, laid it on the skins, and then j laid down. I crawled carefully over the floor until I found a crack large enough to allow me to have quite a view of the room below, and then set myself to watch and listen. 4 The landlord sat for a while before the fire, an Indian came in, got some whisky and went out, and after another hour the tavern-keeper covered up the lire and went into the other room. 4 'Long before this, despite liis alarm, Comstock had fallen soundly asleep. I maintained my place for another hour, without hearing the least noise, and then crawled over on the bed. 44 Two hours more went by, and then, believing that we had been unreasonably frightened, and that we should not be disturbed, I woke up my friend, told him that everything was quiet, and consulted him as to whether we should not both go to sleep, lie concluded to watch for an hour at least, and 1 got under the blanket and left him sitting up, his pis tol in his hand. We had a few words of conversation, congratulating ourselves that we would safely pass the night, and then I went to sleep. I did not in tend to; I meant, in my mind, to remain awake, feeling that he was the weaker one, but I was tired and worn, and could not resist nature. The last 1 remember was of feeling the man crawling toward the head of the ladder, from oil the bed. "After events showed that I slept about an hour, when I was suddenly I awakened by a heavy thud, a loucl | scream, and I sprang up to see a lantern setting on the tloor, a mm stabbing at Comstock, who was lying on his back, and another coming toward me with a hatchet in his hand! "What I did I do not know. The whoit thing is like a dream. I hoard shots, shouts, remember of feeling like a wild beast, and when I was over my hor rible nightmare, there were three dead , men in the loft, and the trader and a lialf dozen Indians were in the room below j shouting uud yelling. They canio up the ladder, took my pistols away, helped me down, and then IJJfuinted away like a woman, and scarcely knew anything un til daylight. "Then there was a horrible sight for me on the bprroom floor. Comstock with his head split open and three knife wounds in his breast—the landlord, shot twice in the head—Williams, his brother, shot through the heart—nil dead and cold. How I killed the men I don't know. I don't even remember of having my pis tols in my grasp. •'We made out that poor Comstock had crawled toward the ladder to listen, aud overcome by his day's tramp and its ex citing events, had fallen asleep, to be murdered by the plotting rascals as they came up. The woman had fled, fearing punishment, and the victims were all there. Such an officer as a coroner was unknown, aud so after the trader had taken a record of my statement, three graves were dug in the forest and the bodies covered up without ceremony. The gold and the other personal property of Comstock was handed over to me to forward to his wife, and at dusk I was in Detroit, satisfies logo back home and stay there. A month after my return to Chenango country I received two hun- I dred dollars in gold, that being the reward which the Territorial officers had offered for the apprehension of Williams, whose real name was McCarthy, a notori ous desperado, who had been driven out of Pennsylvania. The officers were better satisfied with his death than they would have been with his arrest."—[New York Weekly. A Peculiar Headstone. During the pioneer days of Colorado a j big fellow with red whiskers, who was "freighting it," was arrested for robbing a stage coach. He had the reputation of a gun fighter and a dance house bully. He was taken to Denver and locked up in jail. After he had been there five months and nobody caiue to prosecute him the bad man was released. He had not been out of his cell half a day before he de clared that he would get even with three prominent settlers who had caused his arrest, lie returned to their neighbor hood and gave it out that unless each one of his defamers gave him SSOO within twenty-four hours he would set out on horseback and kill them one by oue. The first thing lie did was to get drunk. Then he loaded his horse down so heavily that he cracked at the fetlocks. At the end of twenty-four hours the bad man with the red whiskers was not in possession of a single dollar from the three ranchmen. So he started out. He left one corpse in a cabin owned by one of his prosecutors. Then he pumped a thimbleful of lead into another defumer who lived some miles beyond. Keeping on his way the bad man reached the place where the third ranchman lived. Unfortunately for him, however, a posse of cowboys were i there to meet him. There was a flash of j I Winchesters. One cowboy fell, but the : I bad man with the red whiskers sat aside 1 his cartridge-laden horse unhurt. Again : and again the rillcs barked until the bad ! man was driven into the sage grass, where his horse sank upon his knees. Still un | conquered, however, the fellow turned j the block barrel of his Winchester upon j his pursuers uutil it ceased to blaze. | When the cowboys reached him he had I sixteen bullet holes in bis body. Out there iu the wood and salt gross is | a sunken mound with a gunstock as a headboard. Hundreds have seen them. I The headstone is the stock of the bad ! man's rifle. Its block barrel is beneath ! the mound. It was driven through the neck of the corpse and into the earth just to prevent the coyotes from dragging the ! body 011 top of earth again. The head board is worm-eaten and one of these days it will disappear as nil landmarks ! are disappearing from that land of sun sets and romance. —[Chicago Herald. ' The Iron Crown of Lombardy. I When Najjolcou T. was crowned king ' of Italy at Milan, in 180.1, lie placed the iron crown of the kings of Lombardy upon his head with his own hands, ex claiming: " Uieii me Va (tonne, yare a qui la touche /" ("God has given it :to me, beware who touches 1") This, according to Scott, was the motto i attached to the crown by its ancient owners. The crown takes its name from the narrow iron band within it, which is about three-eighths of an inch broad and one-tenth of an inch in thickness. Tradition say it was made of one of the nails use in the crucifixion of Jesus, and was given to Constantino by his mother, Helena, the discoverer of the cross, to protect him in battle. Afterward it was used at the coronations of the Lombard kings, primarily at that of Agilulfus, at Milan, in the year 501. The crown is now kept in the cathedral of Mou/.a. The outer circuit is com posed of six equal pieces of beaten gold, joined together by hinges, and set with large rubies, emerald 4 and sapphires on a ground of blue gold enamel. Within the circuit is the iron, said to have no speck of rust upon it although it has been exposed for over fifteen hundred years.—[Chicago Host. Modes of Accidental Death. Among the ob jects shown in the mus eum annexed to the Berlin congress were a number of preparations illustrating sonic of the modes of accidental death. One specimen was that of a man who made a wager that lie could swallow a beefsteak whole. He died in consequence of the attempt, and the preparation showed the meat still sticking in his throat. Another was that of a woman who suddenly fell down in the street, and died before medical assistance could be obtained. Her false teeth had be come dislodged and choked her. In an otherspecimen illustrating sudden death from asphyxi , the accident was shown to have been caused by a quid of chewing tobacco in the larynx. Several skulls crossed in all directions by numerous red lines had been taken from men killed by falling from a height. Comminuted fracture had occurred, and the red streaks showed the lines of union where the var ious pieces had been cemented together. Other skulls showed bullet wounds were to be seen, and one was exhibited with an axe firmly driven through the bono, where it had been implanted by the wife of the victim. —[ Hospital Gazette. Princeling Artisans. The children of Prince Albert of Prussia arc being taught to use their hands as well as their brains. Their father is as well versed in the mysteries bookbinding as the Emperor Freder ick was in carpentering, and the two el der sons of Prince Albert have learned enough masonry to be able to build a small pavilion under proper superinten dence. The younger is to be a joiner. Prince Albert takes more interest in this part of his sons' education than any other. —[Times-Democrat. I In Kalnmar.no, Mich., the celery rlietriofc com prince over ft ft eon thounniul acres. The ! <• lery plotx run in *isso from one-fourth to , ton acres each. THE JOKER'S BUDGET. JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Cupid in Quarantine—The Million aire Beggar—Accep ted— Fun for the Old Men —A Good Cook, Etc., Etc., Etc. CUPID IN QUAII ANTINE. She—l haven't seen Grace Ford with her beau, Hal Morris, lately. He is such a promising young doctor. What came between them? lie—The measles. TIIK MILLIONAIRE BEGGAR. A beggar died and left ten thousand pounds, A marvel 'twas to them that came to see, Old Witticus ejaculated "Zounds! Sweet arc the uses of adversity." —[ Epoch. ACCEPTED. " Why you look as though you had been in a battle—as if somebody had been trying to break your neck!" "Not exactly a battle, just the begin ning of an engagement.# I proposed to my girl last night." " I understand. Iler father kicked—" "No, she gratefully, affectionately and enthusiastically accepted inc."— [Philadelphia Times. FUN FOR TIIE OLD MAN. Miss Gushington—And so you were born in the country, Mr. Plowboy; how you must have enjoyed the game of hid ing in the barn when you were a boy. .Mr. Plowboy—Well, no, I can't say I enjoyed it very much. You see, father did the hiding, and all I could do was jump and yell.—[Munsey's Weekly. A GOOD COOK. Husband—What's the matter with the coffee to-day? Wife—l don't know; I didn't make it. Mother-in-law—Neither did I. Cook—l made it. What's wrong with it? Husband—There's nothing wrong with it. On the contrary, it's the fiuest coffee I ever tasted.—[Fliegendc Blactter. CAN AFFORD IT. It is the girl whose pa is sound Financially—has lots of boodle— "Who with a ribbon drags around The city's streets a tiny poodle. —[Boston Courier. NO INDUCEMENT. Freddie—Let us break this cup. Little Johnny—No; it doesn't belong J to a set.—[The Epoch. HE KNEW A HORSE. Some men down in Belfast thought to puzzle a local jockey by bringing out two sorry-looking equines, one consider ably larger thuu the other, aud asking him which was the better one. But he was not caught napping. He looked each carefully over, examined the feet of each, and then rendered judgment as follows: "One's worth just as much as t'other." j "How's that?" asked the crowd. | "Well, the big one has got more hide and bones than the smaller one, but the j latter has got the best shoes on, which ' makes it about an even thing."—[Lewis i ton Journal. NO DOUBT ABOUT THE HOUSE. I Jehones—Samitli, I am told you de livered your maiden political speech at i the opera house the other night. How | did it go? Saiuith (with enthusiasm) —Had a tre mendous house, Jchoncs —perfectly tre mendous. " 'M—Yes, I know the house is a large one. How about the audience?" (With some constraint) —"There was nearly a hundred of 'em, Jehones—near ly a hundred."—[Chicago Tribune. PROTECTION BY "BUCKEYES," A boy was knocking the horse-chest nuts off a tree on Cass avenue, when a pedestrian observed: "I suppose you think they will act as a charm to ward off rheumatism, but they won't." "I didn't suppose they would," replied the lad. "Then what do you want of them?" "To act as a charm to ward off lick ings. I know a boy who carried four of them iu his pockets and didn't get licked in four straight weeks!"—[Detroit Free Press. SOMETHING TO BRAG OP. Ted—l once wrote a poem. Ned—That's nothing. Every fellow has done that. Ted—But I sold mine.—[Epoch. A QUEER SMILE. Captain—Did you deliver the bou quet ? Messenger Boy—Yes, Captain, and didn't the young lady smile when I handed it to her! Captain—Smile? What sort of a smile? Messenger Boy—The same sort of a smile, Captain, that a waiter gives when he receives a half-dollar tip.—Fliegeude Blactter. A COOKING SCHOOL GRADUATE. She—Darling, please tell the grocer to send me up two quarts of nice, fresh sponges. He—You can't get sponges at the gro cer's,ducky,but I'll stop at the druggist's for them. What kind do you want ? She—l want the kind used for making sponge cake, and tell him they must be fresh.—[Seattle Dress. CRUSHING. ITc—Do you object to my calling ? She—Oh, no. Whit worries me is that you manage to find me at home. —[Epoch. BADLY OUT OP IT. Reporter- Can I sec Mrs. B. ? Servant—She's out, sir. Reporter One of the family, then ? Servant--All out, sir. Reporter Well, wasn't there a fire here last night ? Servant—Yes; but that's out, too. HIS CLOSE FRIEND. Forrester—ls Broker one of your close friends? Lancaster—Yes; blamed close. He won't lend me a cent. TO IIAVE AND TO HOLD. Real Estate Agent (to Harlem prop erty-holder)— What do you want for that corner lot you offer for Sale? Property-Holder-—1 am holding it at $250,000. Agent—Well, you keep on holding it. Good day.—[Texas Sittings. REMINDED. Boy—Mister, I want to get a um-I— want a pint of —a—thunder—I forgot. Druggist's Clerk -Little man, have you forgotten what you came for ? Boy—That's it ! Clerk—What's it ? Boy—Camphor. A ni'N OF LUCK. 4 'And you mean to say that your train crossed the chasm where the bridge bad burned without being wrecked? Re markable! What kept it from going ! down?" '•As good luck would have it, just at that moment it was being held up bv traiu robbeis."—[Chicago Post. NOT IN 1118 LINE. Poet—The new SI,OOO bills have a portrait of General Meade. Friend—llow in the world do you know that?—[Brooklyn Life. lIIS BIIOOKINU MISTAKE. Johnson (trying to be polite to a wall flower) —May I have the pleasure of the | next waltz with you, Miss Oldboy? Miss Oldboy (fishing for a compli- | mcnt) —Thank you, Mr. Johnson; out! couldn't you find some younger and prettier girl? Johnson—Oh, yes, but I hate to dance 1 with young and pretty girls.—[The Ar gosy. MANAGING TRAMPS, Mistress Did anyone call while I was out? Servant—No one, ma'am, cxceptin' a tramp. He wanted somethin' to cat; ' but I told him there was nothin' ready, an he'd have to wait till tli' leddy of the house got back from cooking-school, an' mebby she'd make him something. Mistress—Of all things! Did he wait? Servant—No, ma'am. He ruuued.— [New York Weekly. A SOURCE OF GAIN. "Blobson," said the millionaire, "hero arc twenty begging letters. Give them all a refusal." "Yes, sir." "You will note that a two-ccut stamp is inclosed in each for an answer." "Yes. sir." "Well, answci them all on postals."— [American Stationer. EQUALLY COMPLIMENTARY. Johnson—Did Brown say that I had told him a lie? Bronson—Oh, no, indeed, lie said that lie believed that you had accideutly told him the truth.—[Munsey's Weekly. UNDAUNTED. The Daughter—llow dare you fairly pound my door down? The Book Fiend—l beg your pardon, have I disturbed you? "Disturbed ! Fly or I'll call the police 1 You have waked our baby." "Oh! Well, just let mo get him to sleep for you while you look over a copy of 'The Slings and Arrows of Out rageous Fortune' —only $1. —[Texas Sitt ings. TILE DEAR GIRLS. Ethel—Have you ever noticed that there is something depressing in the darkness? Maud—No, but I have often noticed something pressing.—[New York Her ald. WHAT CITY GIRLS MISS. Modern Miss (wearily)— Life doesn't seem worth living, aunty. Aunty I don't wonder, stuck up hero in a stuffy fiat. What a girl of your age ought to have is a nice little flower gar den and a good, strong, old-fashioned front gate. —[Good News. GALL. Customer—Lookcc here, waiter, this roll is stnlc ! Waiter—How can I help it ? Why didn't you conic yesterday ?—[SanFrau cisco Wasp. THE FINEST FLOWER. "The subject of a national flower is being discussed a great deal now, Miss Minnie," remarked a visitor at Minneap olis, to a maiden of that city. "What uo you think about it?" "Well," replied Miss Minnie, "I think papa's fancy winter wheat flour rather tukes the biscuit." BEARING THE MARKET. Wibbles—Sec here, Wobbles, whataro you doing on the street with a linen dus tar and a fan this time of year? Wobbles —I am going to order some coal, aud I don't want the dealer to slap up prices on me.—[New York Weekly. HONORS ARE EASY. " Your habits will be the death of me,'' said Mrs. llirshley. " Well, your costumes are ruining me," retorted Mr. 11. DURING COURTSHIP. She—There seems to be something more aristocratic about electric light than übout gas. He—Yes. The gas is often low.--[New York Herald. Longest Word on Record. General Charles E. Furlong, who live 9 at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, and is known us one of the great travelers of the age, having been live times around the world, told me that while in Llandudno, Wales, last summer, he struck the longest wora on record. When I asked him what it was he respon cd by pulliug out a printed slip, from which I have copied the word, as follows: "Llanfairpwllgwymgyllgogcrychwrud rob will landisi 1 iogogogoch.'' 11c went on to tell me that this is the name of a parish, on the Angleseu side of Menai Bridge, in the place; that it is the only name of the parish, is in every day use among the people in referring to the parish, and is all one word, spoken without break or pause. The natives call the place Llanfair, but there are so many other Llanfairs in Wales that some description has to be added in postal ad dresses. A literal translation of the word is, "The Church of St. Mary, in a hollow of white hazel; near to the rapid whirl pool, an<l to St. Disilio Church, near to a red cave." —[New York Press. Far Ahead of Bluebeard. A native Japanese paper mentions a case of a man, aged forty this year, living in the province of Bizcn, who has married mid divorced thirty Ave wives, and is now married to the thirty-sixth. He was first married at eighteen, and the reason assigned for this extraordinary example df inconstancy is that he has a younger sister of extremely jealous and rancorous disposition, who from the moment that a bride enters the house, institutes a system of persecution, which soon drives ! tiie unhappy woman to ask her husband j for a divorce. The husband is helpless to retain the vagaries of his sister, and cannot turn her out, so the wretched business goes 011 year after year. The native chronicler adds a circumstance which is improbable, even in the far cast. He says that in two cases the brides arriving at the door of their future home changed coler, and declaring that they recognized the house as one where they had already passed some months of most miserable wedlock, lied without further parloy.—[London Globe. CHILI S NATIONAL DRINK. It is Called "Chicha"—How It ia Made by the Natives. Iu Chili it may be regarded as th national beverage, the great popular pro voker of merriment, and the source of all that is truly original in that variation of the Spanish "jota" known in Chili as "la cueca." After drinking a certain amount of "chicha," the Chilian must dance the "cueca." This drink is cooked wine. The operation of making it is as follows: the grapes, having been gath ered and brought iu, are passed through a sieve or net of quarter-inch cord, with three-quarter-inch openings, forming a tray some three feet long, two feet wide, and ten inches deep. This process re moves the berries from the sprigs. The tray being placed over a hopper, and the hopper over a press composed of two I tluted cylinders of American oak, the i berries pass between the rollers, and | juice, skins, pips, and all fall into a vat, i whence the clear liquid is drawn off with all speed. The sediment may be put I into a second press, and more liquid obtained, only this second brew ing will give a darker liquid. The final sediment is used for distilling alcohol, ior aguardiente. The liquid juice is im mediately put into a copper or porcelain boiler, which should be shallow and open to the air. Under this boiler a tire should i be lighted, and the liquid boiled gently, the foam being carefully skimmed off as it rises. When the whole is cooked, a i little vine-wood ash is thrown in to clari ; fy it, and the liquid is drawn off by a ' faucet, and strained through a tine cloth filter. The time of cooking is four hours for forty gallons of juice, and the loss by evaporation twelve to fifteen per cent. The liquid, boiled and strained, is poured into a vat and left to ferment; and while there still remains a little fermentation the "chicha" is again strained through a cloth, aud bottled with good corks, tied down with string or wire. If stone bottles are used, the "cnicha" will remain good | for a year or two, after which it loses its peculiar foaming and sparkling quality, ; and becomes mere ordinary white wine; whereas good "chicha," carefully put up in glass bottles, retains its qualities for four or five years, and compares favor j ably with most of the champagne in the i market nowadays. In making*'chicha" | skill and experience tell in the boiling, and in choosing the exact moment for i bottling the still fermenting liquid. As i regards the kind of grapes to be prc -1 ferred, the Chilians use the black Sau Francisco or Old Mission grapes, white 1 Italian grapes, pink Spanish grapes, and white French Chassclas. As the great question in making "chicha" is quantity of juice, and not quality, the trailed vines are to be recommended, be cause the yield of grapes is more abun dant and the berry ripens more quickly; while for making wine the dwarfed vines are best, because the quality ol' the grape I is finer. I tried "chicha" at every op portunity while travelling in Chili, and as I found it a harmless, wholesome and excellent drink, I venture to call attcn | tion to it.—[ Harper's Magazine. Figures Don't Lie. One of the guests at an up-town stag diuuer, the other night, 1 elated an expe rience at roulette which he claimed to have had "some years ago,"saysa writer iu the New York Times, lie is well known in the city as an entertaining story-teller, lie is sometimes inaccurate, but invariably entertaining. After modestly stating that he rarely gambled, he said that on one occasion lie had carc ; lessly placed a dollar on the number ! thirteen 011 a roulette-table, and that ! thirteen won five times in succession, his original wager being allowed to accumu late. All but one of the diners accepted the tale, and expressed their astonish ment at the extraordinary occurrence. The exception made some rapid calcula | tions 011 the back of the menu. "Colonel," asked the exception, prc- I sently, "how much did you say you won?" "I didn't say," * replied the colonel, "but it was several thousand ' dollars." "It must have been several thousand, at least," said the exception, pleasantly; "I think it must have been I even more. You said nothing about a limit, so I assume that you were allowed the usual privilege of playing without a I limit." "Certainly, sir; certainly," 1 answered the Colonel, stoutly, but noticing the exception's figures with some nervousness; "I requested jocularly that : the limit be removed, and the request j was granted." 44 Very well," went on I his tormentor; 44 then you probably : bankrupted that gambling house. If, as you say, you did not take down your winnings, you must have won a mighty i fortune. On the first roll of the wdieel you wons3s; on the second, $1,260; on | the third, $44,100; on the fourth $1,543,- j GOO; and on the fifth, $54,022,500; quite a satisfactory evening's work. What did ' you buy with it?" The diners laughed ! loud and long. The colonel's lace was very red. "On," said he, finally, "that ; was only a little pleasautry." Religion by Telephone. j The New York Herald's European edition publishes the following: Going j to church by telephone was tried yester | day at Christ church, Birmingham. A correspondent in that city describes the j experiment thus: "Wheu the morning service began, there was what appeared to be an unseemly clamor to hear the j service, and the opening prayer was in terrupted by cries of "Hello, there! Arc you there? Put me on to Christ church 1' 'No, I don't want the church,' etc. But presontly quiet was obtained, and by tho time the psalms were reached we got almost unbroken connection and could 1 follow the course of the service. Wo could hear very little of the prayers, probably from the fault that the officia j ting minister was not within voice-reach of the transmitter. Tho organ had a faint, far-away sound, but the singing | aud sermon were a distinct success. "Different parts of the evening service | were put through successfully to Lon ! don, Manchester, Derby, Coventry, Kid- I derminster and llanley* In every place the greatest satisfaction was expressed. "The electrical appliances in tho 1 church were scarcely visible, nor in any j way calculated to disturb the worshipers, j Attached to the lectern was an arrange ment likea small American circular clock. A similar disc was suspended by a cord to a gas bracket behind the communion rails, and 011 the edge of the pulpit there was a small brass frame with two more discs. 4 'ln the choir stalls there wercalto ! gethcr four transmitters affixed two on ! each side, to the woodwork. In every case the transmitter was of nickel and ebonite,three inches iu diameter. Switch es were provided, by which the choir leaders could, unseen, turn the choir off or on, as one would do the gas; and tho lectern was also controlled from lie choir. A switchboard was concealed back of the pulpit, and a handle turned on by the verger when the sermon be gan."
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers