t THE CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, MAHCII 22, 1011. ORDEAL OF Til NEW RECRUIT The Initiation of an Embryo General. The officers of tins th hussars were profoundly moved. Commissions In the regiment had from time Immemorial been reserved for the sons of noble men, nnd now John Ilunklns. the sou of a retired brewer, had been appoint ed. There was a babel of voices nt the Junior mess, nil raised in protest against this Invasion of n prerogative of the peerage. One man sat quietly listening without a word, but he was a younger son of a baronet who had made money lu trade and had been ad mitted to the sacred circle of titled people because he had given his for tune to the poor. "It's very easy to get wld of these common intwuders," said Lord Hart ley. "All we have to do Is to fweeze 'om out" "Just so," assented the Hon. Mr. Maxcey. "But suppose their beggarly natures aro too obtuse to see what's meant by tho tweatment we glvo 'em,"' put lu the Earl of Ilarrowby. "In that case," Hartley explained, "we'll appoint a committee to visit their rooms and smash their furni ture." "A very effective measure," re marked the Hon. Mr. Maxcey. Twotter," said Hartley, "you don't seem lntewestcd in the matter at all." "I'm not." "Oh, Twotter'a not been one of our kind long enough to ho Intewested!" sneered Ilarrowby. "That's just it," replied Trotter com posedly. At this point who should walk Into the tnessroom but the subject of the discussion, a well built, florid young Englishman, with flaxed hair and blue eyes. "Good evening, gentlemen," ho said, taking a seat and helping himself. "I'm glad to be one of you." There was a dead silence around the bonrd for some time, during which Hunklns was satisfying his appetite. The silence was broken by the Hon. Mr. Maxcey. Turning, ho brought his monocle on the newcomer and said: "I say, isn't your father a brewer?" "ne was," replied Hunklns irapcr turbably. "Well, then, why didn't ho bring you up to the business?" "Isn't your father Ixmd Runglorled?" "Yes." "Well, why didn't he bring you up to be u gentleman?" Somo of the mess smiled, but those who had been most active with their tongues then and thero resolved that the brewer's son must be frozen out. But Hunklns appeared to be too ob tuse to see their intentions or too good nntured to notien thorn, nnd they re solved upon more strenuous means. A committee went to his quarters and smashed some chlnawaro which he greatly prized. The next evening ho visited the quarters of three men he suspected and smashed whatever ho could And that was easily breakable. When the officers of the Junior mess assembled for dinner that evening there was a worse hubbub than -when they had discussed the new appoint ment. In the midst of it in wnlked Hunklns. "Gentlemen," ho said, "I've been obliged to retaliate for the breaking of my china without being sure of the men who did It. If I hnvo made any mistake I'm ready to apologize and replace what I have damaged. If not I'm ready to give satisfaction after dinner on the tnnbark in the riding hall." It appeared that he had made no mistake, for Hartley, Uarrowby and Maxcey, whoso articles he had broken, all claimed the privilege of knocking him out Hunklns undertook to satis fy these gentlemen in the order nam ed. He had good muscle nnd was a fine boxer. Hartley was soon put out of the light, but Harrowby was not so easily disposed of. Huukins bad need for all his skill and endurance, no Anally knocked out the noble lord, but when he had done so he was next i knocked out himself. The best man f his three enemies still remained. "Beg pardon," said Trotter, stepping forward. "It wouldn't be becoming of us as gentlemen to permit a newcomer among us to tight three men on the same evening. I'll take Mr. Hunklns' pJaco with Mr. Maxcey," "There's no quarwel with you, Twot ter," Hartley protested. "Cewtainly not," snld Harrowby. But Englishmen respect courage, and the others present thought that Hun klns In lighting two men had done nil that could be expected of him. Max cey proved that he was not disposed to take advantage of a winded adver sary und consented to meet the sub stitute. The fight that followed was a long one. The disputants were evenly matched, and neither could get the ad vantage of the other. When it was found almost Impossible after the twentieth round for either to come up to the scratch the light was declared off, and the iucident of smashed furni ture was a thing of the past. And so was the objection to Ilun klns. He had won his way Into the most aristocratic regiment In the Brit ish service by simply . pursuing a straightforward course. Ilunklns la now a general, having won his princi pal promotion during the Boer wnr. Trotter has long been n member of parliament and at one tlmo held a seat in the cabinet. Hartley and Max toy were killed in battle, and narrow by, who has succeeded to the title, la Bvlng on his estates. HUMOROUS QUIPS The Little Fat Boy. Tho soup cams In, and the soup was good. Tlio little boy gabbled as fast as he could, And I frowned reproach, as nn uncle should. Followed tho fish with its sauco of pink. -Did the boy say "Yes" to It? I don't thlnkl Is sherry a thing that a child should drink? In came the turkey sausage flanked. Deeply breasted and stoutly shanked, Tho boy came twice. Why are boys not spanked 7 Beef If you wanted It. That boy did Wanted It twice, the untanned kldl I caught his eye, and he drooped one lid. In came the pudding, a blaze of blue. Wider the eyes of the fat boy grew. They piled his plate, and he went right through. Oranges next. lie disposed of three, Smuggled a fourth to his shameless knee, Reached for an apple and grinned at me. After dinner tits steps I tracked. Ills waistcoat buttons were all Intact. And the tale I've told Is a Blmple fact. Punch. Sayings of Famous Men. George Westlnghouse Stand back and give we air. Robert Browning You know what 1 mean. John Bunyan I must hnvo been dreaming. Adam Every man needs a wife, take It from met Sherlock Holmes After you, Morl arty. Prometheus It's my liver that trou bles me, I think. Duke of Wellington Come, come, Blucher j it's your move! Chicago Trib une. Real Economy. A New Englnnd mother had come upon her eight-year-old son enjoying a feast whereof tho components were Jam, butter and bread. "Son," said the mother, "don't you think It a lilt extrnvagant to eat but ter with that fine Jam?" "No, ma'am," was the response. "It's economical; the same piece of bread does for both." LIpplncott's. Hurt Once Too Often, At nn Inquest a doctor once stated that "two of the deceased's injuries were fatal, but fortunately tho others were not." An Irish paper goes one better and describes how a "deaf man was run down by a tram and killed. Ho was Injured in a similar way somo years ago." Black and AVhlto. The Negotiations. "Did Lord Luvous propose for your daughter's hand?" "No," replied Mr. Cumrox, "but he gave me to uuderstand that he'd be willing to consider bids from our fam ily for tho use of his ancestral name." Washington Star. Clever Ruse. Friend of the Family What? All these animals going into the ark, and yet you say the people aren't wise to what's doing! Noah Sure not They thluk we're an American battleship taking on mas cots! Puck. Faith. "What is faith, Johnny?" asks the Sunday school teacher. "Pa says," answers Johnny, "that it's readln' in tho papers that tho price o' things has come down an' expectln' to find it. true when the bills come in." Life. Both Compatible. "I hear that Dicksle has his busi ness in a hole." "Why, I heard he was making mon ey at It" "So he Is. You see, his business is digging sewers." Baltimore American. Made Love To. Salesman (showing umbrellas) Here's one with an exceptionally at tractive handle. Customer Not for me. All my um brellas have been entirely too attrac tive. Boston Transcript Suggestions Cheerfully Offered. Collector See here, my time Is too valuable for me to be coming hero every day about this bill. Harduppe I'm glad to hear it Why don't you come once a week? Phila delphia Record. Motor Anaesthesia. Novice It must bo a dreadful sensa tion to run over a man! Chauffeur Not nearly so dreadful as to run over a cow, nnd It doesn't lnjuro tho machine so much. Judge's Li brary. Sure Sign. Him Mary! You have been kissed beforel Her What makes you think so? Him You knew enough to scream. Toledo Blade. An Optimist. "What an optimist Green isl" "Yes; every time he loses his um brella he never worries. Ho always oxpects to pick up a better one." De troit Free Press, Doubtful. "Whnt Is your boy learning at col- .tO?" "I don't know. I can only tell you what ho Is studying." Springfleld Re publican, The Reason, "He's a great social favorite." "No wonder. He can eat anything made In a chafing dish as If he en joyed it." St. Louis Globe-Democrat H-K-S-M-W". - CATCHcn i.t. ; j . 0 turn ; r o ui , - r. Charley Schmidt, tho Detroit J American league cntcher, will -J X turn pugilist. Schmidt announced recently that ho Is anxious to , meet nny of the heavyweights . X in the ring today. Although v X Schmidt lias quite a rcputntlon T with hH mitts, ho has never ap- i peared In public In a bout. .J, 13 friends insist tlint if ho V j. makes good in the ring he may .! quit tho dhuiond forever, t 4- Schmidt is r-i the outs with tho 4 Detroit t-ii ;Mid has boon try- J ing to eiioi-t his relenKe or sale 3 T to some other club. Ho weighs J ISj pounds. i HOW "ONE ROUND'" HOGAN BECAME A FIGHTER, Frisco's Sensational Lightweight Was Once a Plumber's Helper. A street fight between two plumbers' assistants Is what started "One Round" Hogun, the sensational Frisco pugilist, on the road to fame, nogan was a plumber's apprentice nnd had served three years of his time when ho took up the fighting game. Ho says he never would win a prize today at wiping a lead pipe Joint, but that he's n bear at threading two inch pipe. Hogau, whoso first name Is Jack, U confident ho wil1 eventually win the lightweight championship, no points to his bout with "Knockout" Browu In New York recently as to what he can do. Ilogan has fought forty-one bat tles, and of that number he won the first thirty-nine many of them by the knockout route. On account of win ning several of his fights lu the first round he was given the name of "One Round" Ilogan. "I have been fighting just one year," said Ilogan recently, "and you can see that I have been pretty busy to get away with forty fights. They pave Frankio Burns the decision against me on account of a foul, but if I fouled FIIISCO'S BENSATrONAIi lilQHTWEIflHT IN ACTION. him it was certainly not intentional. They disqualified mo for butting. I think I can lick Burns any time he starts." "How did you start in as n fighter?" was asked. "It was on account of winning a street fight over some plumber's as sistants. I never took a boxing les son in my life." nogan then told of how ho worked us a plumber's assistant and as he was leader of a gang he naturally had to fight all tho time. A fight club In Frisco had engaged a young fellow named Steele for a preliminary bout, nnd as he had no opponent tho manager, who had seen Hogau In a street fight, offered him $15 to go on. Hogau grabbed at the job, and before ho had gono four rounds he knocked out so many of Steele's teeth that the fight had to bo stopped. "And tho worst of It," said nogan, "is that I didn't get tho 515. Tho manager told me that $5 was euough for me, and I couldn't argue him out of the other ten. Finally ho told mo that I was pretty lucky to get a chance to fight at all, and ho promised mo that he would glvo mo another fight the next week. I fell for that Hue of talk, but to this day I am still trying to get that ten." Hogan is Just twenty-two years old and Is an orphan. Apparently ho has made tho best of his opportunities at school, as ho talks Intelligently and uses good English. Ho Is a clean liv ing young fellow nnd has not been in tho fight game long enough to fall prey to its many temptations. Revive Racing In Denver. Horso racing on an elaborate scale may bo revived in Denver the coming summer. Two bills have been intro duced in tho lcglslnturo which will permit racing with the pari mutuel system of betting, nnd it is planned to havo nt least two race meetings of thirty days at Overland park. Distributes Over $8,000,000 In Purses. More than $8,000,000 In purses has been distributed by members of tho grand circuit, which annually attracts the best of the light harness horses. ACCORDIN' TO REGULATIONS. Law Is All Right When Not Interpreted by "Fernatics." "What's eatln' ye, Jason?" Inquired tho hardware man pleasantly as his , aged customer, doubtless thinking of i something else, picked n tenpenuy nail from the barrel and started to nib ble nt the head. "What's eatln' me? Well, I been to the fair that's what's eajtlu' me. I been to the fair." "Wa'n't tho fair good enough?" "Good enough," suortcd tho pleasure seeker. "Too durn good that's what was tho trouble with it. Yes, sir, If anybody had told me whnt I was go In' to run up ngln at that fair I wouldn't have believed 'em. Right smack up on horticultural ball, where nobody could miss It, was tho sign, 'No Liquor, Gambling or Immoral Shows Allowed on the Grounds.' " "Of course," said the hardware man, "that's the very sign you put up your self when you wns secretary of the as sociation fifteen years ago." "S'pose it was! S'pose it wasl That ain't nny reason, is It, why I sh'd tramp around to five different re freshment stands nnd wink nt every sep'rato stand and not find n thing harder'n soft elder? It ain't any rea son why I sh'd walk my legs off look in' for a place to lay a few dime? on tho red or black and not find nothln' but spindle machines glvln' chances on breastpins and dollar watches. It ain't any reason why I sh'd' pay 25 cents to see the big double show of oriental and Turkish dancers nnd not anything inside but a look at n lot of bum dance steps that could have been done Just as well nt a Sunday school picnic. I'm In favor of the law yes, sir but I don't want no law Interpret ed by a lot of durned fernatics. I want moderation, and I want a fair that ain't a ministers' convention nor yet a church social." Horatio Wlnslow in Puck. The Man Higher Up. Crick! Crack! Crash! Tho skaters turned and fled. But one, less fortunnte than tho rest, was overtaken by the widening crack, throw up his hands and fell in with a hearty splash. "Help!" "He's drowning!" "Got a ladder!" At last tho ladder wns procured. Cautiously approaching tho pool, which was ornamented by the luckless man's head and shoulders, the park keepoi .placed the ladder in position and be gan to creep nlong it. "Come in a bit closer!" ho shouted. "I can't swim," answered the Im promptu bather. "But you're only up to your armpits, man," said tho park keeper. "You ain't got no need to swim. Walk." "Walk be blowcd!" responded the other. "This water's ten foot deep." "Ten foot deep!" exclaimed tho park keeper. "Then how are you keeping up?" "How?" retorted the bather. "Why, I'm standing on the bloke that broko tho ice!" Answers. Georgia Nuggets. One way to bo happy is to keep thluklng this is the best world you know of and take the next one on trust. Somo folks aro so unlucky that If they should get within fair view of tho pearly gates they'd stumble over a star. Perhaps tho toilers of tho world will be so tired when they reach the swoet fields of Eden they'll just want to stay still and listen while the other nngcls perforin on tho golden harps. Atlanta Constitution. Afraid of Dogs. "Did you ask for a handout at der big house?" "No. Jes as I wuz about to go in dor gato do minister lookin guy told mo I wuz goln' to der dogs, so I turned around an' come back." St. Louis Globe-Democrat In Microbe Hollow. Dr. Baclllifs Hem! Very serious case. Total loss of vitality. Just call ed me In time. You must movo to a healthy, congenial r,esort and recuper ate. I would advlso a season in the tenement district of New York. It will strengthen ,nnd fatten you. A Blue Dress For the Sky. Now let the stormy blizzards roar! Their thunder will pass by. And spring!! come all frolicsome, a blu dress for the sky. And far and near in April rain Toss roses at the picnic train. Not long shall winter have his way with long and angry cries. ' A brighter sun will shine away the shad ows from his eyes. And soon in April light and rain Toss roses at the plcnto truln. Atlantlo Constitution. Life In the loy Arctic. In the morning I wns generally tho no to waken first nnd would cither start the alcohol lamp myself or call Astrup for that purpose. Our morning meal consisted of a lump of pcmml can, six biscuits, two ounces of butter nnd two cups of ten each. As soon as this was finished everything was re packed on the sledge. I then read the odometer, aneroid nnd thermometer and. taking the gutdou, which hud waved and fluttered over the kitchen throughout our hours of rest, from Its place, stepped forwnrd and the next march wns commenced. After from four to six hours of mnrchlng wo would halt for half an hour to cat our simple lunch of pemmienn nnd give the dogs a rest nnd then after four to six hours of trnvellng halt again nnd repeat the already described route. Robert B. Pcnry. "Tho Great White Journey." Got Rid of the Scum. She was a city brldo who had never before taken a hand in housekeeping and knew but littlo about things In tho kitchen. A few mornings ago she got after the milkman. "What's the matter with your milk?" she said, with great vehemence. "I don't know," ho replied. "Whnt do you find wrong with It?"' "Well." she snld. "every morning It ts covered with a nasty yellow scum." "And what do you do with tho scum?" "Why, I skim It off, of course, and throw It in tho garbage can." Far'- ALCOHOL 3 PER CENT. AVcgelablePrcparaiionrorAs-similallngiiicFoodandReduta-ling lite Stomachs andUowdsol' Promotes DigestionOieerfu ncss and ResLContslns ncilhcr OpiuntMorphirie norMiacral. Not Narcotic, i i JeoroUDrSMWmum j 11 -9 ftmpkm Seed" JbcSoma Him Seed -Clanfci Swxr hntogrren llmtr. Anerfect Remedy for Consfina- Hon , Sour Stomach.Dlarrhoca Km I Worras,Loiwuisions,icvcnsii ncss aitdLoss of Sleep. Facsimile Signature of NEW YORK. Exact Copy of Wrapper. mm nm M SVSen'ss Boys5 and Children's OVERCOATS MUST GO AT HALF PRICE FOR THE NEXT 15 DAYS This will be a good oppor tunity to buy next Winter's Overcoat. Remember for 15 DAYS ONLY. Bregstein Bros. HONESDALE, PA. WASHINGTON'S FALSE TEETH. 1 They Are Preserved as a Dental Curl oslty and Relic. It may not be generally known that tho Father of his Country was one of the first Americans to wear artificial teeth. By the time tho War of the Revolution had ended ho had parted company with most of tho outfit which nature had given him. An Ingenious physician and dentist of Now York City undertook tho tbem unusual task of re-equipment, nnd produced at length a full set of arti ficial tooth. These aro now, of course, a dental curiosity. The teeth were carved from Ivory, and riveted, wired and clamped to a somewhat ponderous gold plate. Three) large clamps, In particular, liguro conspicuously In the roof ot the mouth, and must have caused diffi culty. If not anguish. There were an upper and an under set, and the two were connected and held In position relatively by a long spiral spring on each side. Harper's Weekly. Tho King or Lord of Mlsrulo wa & most potent sovereign while hla reign lasted. It lasted through tho yule holidays. He devised and con trolled the maddest, merriest frolic England ever saw. Like the fool, o Jester, he died in almost mediaeval times, and the end of the nincteentli enntury knows him not. For Infants and Children. The Kind You Have Always Bought Bears Signat of THC CKNTAUR COMPANY NCW YORK CTY KRAFT & CONGER MM HONESDALE, PA. Represent Reliable Comaanies ONLY ft In J For Over Thirty Years I N
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers