T1IB CITIZEN, WEDNESDAY, SUIT. 21, 1010.
NEW TALES
THAT ARE TOLD
Room For Improvement.
Wllllnm F. Oldliniu, bishop of Singa
pore, talked nt n dinner on his last
Visit to Now York nbfeut missionary
work.
"A cortnlu typo of mnn," ho said,
"goes about declaring thnt wo domi
nant races civilize tho savages out of
existence that wo do them harm In
stead of good.
"Well, as a matter of fact, If these
cavaliers knew what I know about
Borne tribes they would speak less con
fidently. Some tribes are so debased
that to do them anything but good
TOn DOCTOR LOOKED AT THE WOMAN'S
NOSE.
would hardly be possible. They nre, in
fact, just like the ugly woman who vis
ited the beauty doctor.
"This woman was ugly In every fea
ture, but her nose was particularly
ugly. That, no doubt, was why she de
sired the beauty doctor to begin on it.
" 'I am willing,' she said, 'to pay you
liberally, doctor, but I demand In re
turn substantial results. We will start
with my nose. Can you guarantee to
make It ideally beautiful?'
"The doctor, after looking attentive
ly nt tho woman's nose, replied:
'"Well, madam, I can't say ns to
Ideal beauty, but a nose llko yours 1
couldn't help Improving If I hit It with
a mallet.' "
REASSURING
THOROUGHNESS,
How a Burglar Saved His Bacon
by Impersonating a Dog.
Iteglnald Vanderbllt at n charity sale
at Newport peddled cigars with re
markable success.
"My success," ho explained after
ward, "was duo to my thoroughness.
I peddled as thoroughly and coura
geously as Itallles.
"Haliles, the noted criminal, you
know, lay under a bed one night, wait
ing for tho gentleman above him to fall
UHleep. The gentleman was restless;
ho tossed from side to side, and In tho
end he stirred up some dust thnt
caused Itallles to give a little cough.
"The gentleman started at the sound,
and Itallles could tell by the creaking
of the mattress that he had drawn him
self up In n sitting posture.
"Is that you. Kido?" he said in a
tremulous voice.
"Untiles, always thorough, thumped
his list softly and quickly on tho floor,
ns n dog's tall would wag. Then he
gave a low, gentle bark. And Anally,
perceiving the gentleman's hand hang.
Ing over tho side of the bed, he leaned
forward and licked It.
"This thoroughness reassured the
householder. He went off to sleep, and
Uatlles a little later on went off with
the swag."
Considerate.
Friend Now that you havo been
married some time, old friend, tell mo
frankly your opinion on the marriag"
state. Much Married Man (to hi:
wife) Just go outside, my dear. wll.
you? Fliegendo Iilatter.
Ready.
He I wonder what your father wll'.
nay when I ask him for your hand
She Don't worry nbout that, dear,
lie rehearsed It with me this morning,
and he does it beautifully.
Consistency.
Knlckcr Where was Jones going
when arrested for speeding? Hocker
To rteliver a speech on the extrava
gance of automobiles. New York Sun
Miss Grace Smithy Queen
Of Admission Day Carnival
1
Orator on Oratory.
William Jennings Uryan, pacing the
promenade deck of tho Celtic, tnlkcd
of oratory,
"An orator Is only great," ho said,
"when ho has n great subject. Tho
Vundatlon of oratory Is truth.
"Truth will always prevail In tho
end. I once heard n truo orator got n
hissing. Hut ho smiled and said:
" 'When a stream of truth la poured
on redhot prejudices it Is no wonder
they hiss.'
"And then," said Mr. nryan, "tho
hissing turned to hearty applause."
To Be Looked At
"Of courso, madam, I would not bo
expected to light tho nro?"
"CorUilnly not"
"Nor swoop tho Boors?"
"Certainly not"
"Nor attend to tho door?"
"Of courso not"
"Nor to wait on tablo?"
"No; I want nono of thoso things,"
said tho lady wltli her sweotest smllo.
"Tho only thing I requlro a servant
for lu to look nt her and for this you
aro too plain." Itoyal Magazine
California is celebrating its admission to the Union with more earnestness
than usual this year. Each year the Native Sons of the Golden West choose
somo city as the olllclnl place for tho celebration by holding their nnnual con
vention and grand lodge sessions there. The smaller cities usually observe
one day only, but because San Francisco wns selected this season arrange
ments were made for a three day celebration with street fairs, parades and
nthletlc contests. One of the features of tho festival this year was a parado
of veterans of the Mexican war, by which California was acquired. This will
probably be tho last time that there will bo such a pnrade, as there are but
nine of the old lighters In California and their average age is eighty-four years.
A queen of the carnival Is elected and during tho festival Is known ns "Queen
California." Miss Grace Smith was chosen this year after a spirited contest
S3M I .art r. fiZSmfE
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ALCOHOL 3 PEIi rrvt"
A cgclnble PreparalionlcrAs-simi!alinihcFoo(JaniJRcgL'!a-ling
Uic Stomachs anrtBowcM
ASTORIA
For Infants and Children.
The Kind You Have
Always Bought
mum
Promolcs D ies lion iZIir crfiiV
ncss and Rest.Contalns neither
Opiuiu.MorpIunc nor Mineral.'
ROT WAR C OTIC.
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lfanpkLl Stcd
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tliCutcactcSai
Stpr
Itatcgrren tlznr.
Ancrfect Remedv forConsfica
tion , Sour Stomcli.Dlarrhoea
Worrns,tonvuisums.revrrisn
ncss amlLoss or Sleep.
Facsimile Signature of
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