North Branch democrat. (Tunkhannock, Pa.) 1854-1867, January 23, 1867, Image 1

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

    ahe Slorth Branch lemoetal.
■CT 4Timuv SZOKXJBRJ "Proprietor
NEW SERIES,
A wMklj Democratic
Terms —l copy 1 year, (in advance) 12.00 it
at paid within si months, <2.50 will be charged
HO papr will be DISCONTINUED, until all ar
raaragas are paid; unless at the option of publisher.
ADVERTISING.
It line* or . j > I . .
ess, make three] Jour < tiro three j six j one
one square weeks weeks mo'th mo'f/ijwio'thj year
t Square" TooM-W
1 do 2,0t)
I do' 3,00 3.75' 4,75 5,50' 7*o 9,10
Column 400 4,50; 6,50; 8,00- 10.00 15,00
*a " SO© 6-50, 1 <? 12.00S 17,00, 25,00
I do' 8,00 1 1.00; 14,00; 18,00:25,00; 35,00
1 do! 10!00' I2 00- 17,00; 22,00; 28,00140,00
IBXECUTORS, ADMINISTRATORS and AUDI
TOR'S NOTICES, of the usual length, 82,50
* OBITUARIES,- exceeding ten lints, each-; RELI
Q [OUS and LITER ARY NOTICES, not of genera
interest, one half toe regular rates.
Business Cards of one sqaare, with paper, 85.
JOB WORK
af all kinds neatly executed, and at prices to suit
he times.
All TRANSIENT ADVERT ISEMENTS and JOB
WORK u-ust be paid for, when ordered.
su*iiie |lote
HS. COOPER, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON
• Newton Centre. Luserne County Pa.
R.R. it W. E LITTLE, ATTORNEYS AT
LAW Oficeon Tioga street, Tunkhannecki a
vvr ||. N. PIATT. ATTORNEY AT LAW, 0
\\ fice in Stark's Brick Block Tioga
hannock. Pa.
fllEljUt
HARRISBUHG, I'KNNA.
The undersigned having lately purchased the
' BUEIILKR HOUSE " property, has already com
menced surh alterations and improvements as will
reader this old and popular House equal, if not supc
rier to any Hotel in tbe City of Harnsburg.
A continuance of the public patronage is refpect
fully so.icited. qeo BOLTON .
"WALL'S HOTEL,
LATE AMERICAN HOUSE,
TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CXI , PA.
rlllS establishment has recently been refitted an
furnished in tbe latest style Every attention
will We given to the comfort and convenience of those
wee patrotrite the H*ue.
T. B. WALL, Owner and Proprietor ;
Tunkhanneck*. September 11, 1861.
NORTH BRANCH HOTEL,
MESHOPPEN, WYOMING COUNTY, PA
Wm. H. CORTRIGHT, Prop'r
HAVING resuiued the proprietorship of the abov
Hotel, the uudersigaed wilt spare no effort
leader the house an agreeable place ol sojourn -
all who may favor it with their custom.
J Wiß.ll CORTRIGHT.
. due, 3rd, 1863
TOWA.NDA, PA.
p. B. BART LET,
(Late el t- Hoi'sx, ELMIRA, N-Y.
PROPRIETOR.
The MEANS HOTEL, i-one of the LARGEST
au4 BEST ARRANGED Houses in the country—lt
te ftted up in the most modern and improved style,
nud uo pains are spared to make it a pleasant and
agreeable stopping-place for all,
v 3, n2l, ly
CLARKE, KEENEY,&rO.,
MANL'FACTURERS AND WHOL*BALE DEALERS IS
LADIES', MISSES' & GENTS'
§, ilk anti £assiram Hate
ARB JOBBER* IN
HATS, CAPS, FURS, STRAW GOODS
PARASOLS AMD UMBRELLAS.
BUFFALO AND FANCY ROBES,
S4B BROADWAY,
CORNER OF LEONARD STREET,
HSW ¥s££*
*.CLARK, 1
A £
g. LCBBBBT. )
Our Letter A Family Sewing Na.
Thine, tgith all the new improvements, is the hen,
and cheapest and most beautiful Sewing Machine in
the world. No jther Sewing Machine has so much
capac'ty for a went range of work, including the
delicate and iugejucas processes of Hemming
Braiding, Binding Embroidering, Felling, Tucxing
Cording, Gathering, Ac,, he,
The Branch Offices ars well supplied with S' •
Twist. Thread, Needles, Oil, Ac,, of the very Bask
quality,
dead for a Pamphlet,
THE SINGER MANUFACTURING COMPART.
458 Broadway, Hew York,
Philadelphia Office,
8 10.t fl UNTNUT STREET
IARVE 7 SICKLBK. Agent. ,
vSadt
JV jC w
TAILORING SHOP
Tke Subscriber buying had a sixteen years prae
Kal sxparience in cutting and making clothing
ftw ofsrs his services in this line to the eitisens o
IMmUoi And vicinity.
Theee wiehiug to Fits will And his shop tbe
' ••• te get them.
Jsat, R, (am
lM4ai
gtlrct fturg.
°£W& HiSW ;
OR
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
"There! I declaie if Mrs. Burton has
not got a new cloak !" ex. laimed Mrs.
Waxwell to her intimate friend Miss Viney,
as thej came out ot Church on Sunday.
"I see she has," replied Miss Viney,
quietly.
"I know her husband can't afford it—
she'll be the ruin of him yet,"
"1 suppose they know their own busi
ness best. At any rate it is a blessing
thai you or I are not accountable for her
misdeeds," said Miss Viney, who, though
what is technically termed, "an old maid,"
was not one of that class who have been
styled gossips and b; sy-bodies.
"I don't know about that," returned
Mrs. W. with a dubious shake of tbe head,
"Mr. Burton owes ray husband three hun
dred dollars, and I dou't believe that be
will get his pay if things go on in this way.
That cloak of her's could nt have cost less
than thirty dollars."
"I presume they can afford it, or they
would not have bought it—at any rate they
know best."
"Mrs. Burton is a vain,conceited, proud
woman ; and pride will have to fltll some
day."
"I hope not."
"I hope she'll fall—she'll drop some of
those airs then."
"I never thought she was what might
be termed a pioud'woman."
• "She is, an impudent minx, and the
sooner she is brought down on a level with
her circumstances, the better for her and
the world."
"She has got the reputation of being a
very kind-Learted person, and an amiable
ueighbor."
"I don't care if she has ; she likes to
lord it through the villiage, and I for ouv
won't be ruled by her.*'
"Really I do not understand you ; she is
as amiable and humble as any one need
be."
"Amiable and humble, indeed ! What
did she buy that cloak for then, if it was
not to excite the envy of halt the town,
and make them think she vva somebody f"
"I hope there is no one so silly as to en
vy her," aud Miss Viney cast a significant
glance full lutothe face of her cump nion.
"1 don't for one, but 1 would like to
teach her that she is no better than others
of this world."
"bhe don't profess to be ; she visits the
neighborhood, aud I'm sure there's no bet
ter person in case of sickness than sbe is.'
"That may be "
"When you had the erysipelas, you re
member she waited on you when no one
else would."
"I know it, but is one to t>e tyranized
over because she watched a few nights with
me
"llow strange you talk."
"Dol ! Didn't she purchase that cloak
ju-t on purpose to cut a great'figure through
the town and make everybody feci very
cheap ?"
"Now lam r,ure she did not; she had
no 6ucb motive," replied Miss V iney tar
ne?tly.
"1 dou't believe it, then."
"Yes she is just such a woman as that "
"I've seen no one who feels bad about
it but vou."
"but rue! La sakes, I would'nt have
you Lhink I felt bud about it She can
wear what she's a mind to for all me—l on
ly hope she cau't afford it, that s all."
"I think she can ; she has the reputa
tion of being a very economical woman '
"I don't care, but I feel it my duty to
warn my husband to look about his debt.
When things get to be so extravagant
there's no knowing what may happen."
"Mr, Burton is doing a very good busi
ness."
"Nobody knows anything about what
he is doing. All I know is that when
'Square Smith sold him two cords of wood
last week, and carried in the bill, it was
not paid. He actually put the 'Square off'
until some day next week."
With these sage reflections, Miss V.
turned down the street that led to her
home, leaving Mrs. W. to pursue her way
and ponder on the extravagance of some
folks.
CHAPTER 11.
♦'Mrs. Waxwell loved fine clothes as well
as any other woman of nineteenth cen
tury, and this is saying a good deal. But
her husband was parsimonious, and though
she loved nice things very much, she loved
money more, which we take it, amounts to
nothing more than meanness. Mr, Wax
well was a farmer,and welloffin the world.
The advent of the railroad into his native
town had turned everything topsy turvv in
general, and the heads ot the women in
particular —to use classical language of Mr
W. Time was when they were contented
to wear a straw bonnet and calico gown to
meeting ; but now they had to rig out in
silks and satins, with flounces and ferbe
low and all sorts of rigging attached to
them, for all the world like a a clown in a
circus.
Society began to be a little "select." folks
put on airs, and were so "stuck up" that
one couldn't touch them with a ten toot
pole.
In the rise and progress of the village
fince the advent of the railroad* two new
"TO SPEAK HIS THOUGHTS IS EVERT FREEMAN'S RIGHT. " —Thomas Jtffersoa.
TUNKHANNOCK, PA., WEDNESDAY, JAN. 23, 1867
stores had gone into opeiittion, one of
which was conducted by Mr. Burton, an
enterprising y>ung man fiom the great
metropolis, who had brought a wife and a
great many city notions to the -place with
him.
He bad kept his business to himself, and
this bothered and perplexed the gossips.—
His wife had away of attending to her own
concerns —her own business; she had been
brought up where people hardly knew their
next door neighbor.. If she wanted a new
dress or a new bonnet, she never deemed
it necessary to consult her neighbors re
garding iter ability to afford it, or about
the style and material.
I'oor Mis. Waxwell? her star began to
decline. JShe was no longer leader f the
TUN, and her heart was bursting with envy.
Her first demonstration was to h<*r husband,
whom she found 110 difficulty in convincing
that Mr. Burton must certainly be ruitL d
by the of his wife, and unless
he collected bis debt be would be certain to
lose it.
As soon as she had done her washing on
Monday, Mrs, W. made sotne calls and
embraced the opportunity of commenting
pretty freely on that "new cloak " The
women to>d their husband* that Mr. Bur
ton would certainly fail; and before three
days had elapsed there was quite au ex
citement in the village.
The caieful old fanner, to whom, in the
course of trade, be bad become indebted
tor produce which lie to Boston,
began to be alarmed about tiie rumors. It
was ir. the State of New Hampshire, and
at the time of which 1 wiite, the "grab law"
was in active operation ; it may be still
lor ought I know.
One morning, as Mr. Burton returned
from a journey to a neigi boring town,
be found h s stock attached on tbe claim of
farmer Waxwell—and all on account of
tin new cb>ak his wile wore to meeting tbe
preceding Sunday.
He i.ad not lite means to pay, that mo
ment, and while he was consider.ng a plan
to extricate ! iniseif from the dilemma, the
news that his goods bad been attached
spread all over the place. All the credi
tors were in haste to follow the example of
farmer W., for it was "first come, first
served," and in less than two hours a doz
en had fastened upon the stock of the store
to get their dues.
a tremendous result to follow
in the train of the thirty dollar cloak and a
gossipping old wotnan.
"What do you think now, Miss Viney ?'
asked Mrs. Waxwell, a:- they met soon aft
er the storekeeper's disaster had been made
public.
44 1 hope Mr. Burton will bt able to pay
his debts."
" But he won't though, I just know he
won't."
"Probably if they had given him any
notice of their intention to demand the pay
nil nt ot their claims, lie would have been
prepared to m< ct iliern."
44 1 gues* Mrs. B. will not feel so stuck
up now "
44 I hope you have done nothing to bring
about these sad results."
44 But I have; I made my husband sue
his note, and vs hen he put on others fol
lowed. A thirty dollar cloak, indeed !"
"1 am very sorrv you have done this, —
You may ruin Mr, Burton by doing it."
•'That is just what! wanted to do!" aud
Mrs. VYaxwe 1 s malignant expression be
trayed the jealousy she had so locg har
bored.
"You did ii ! it was v-ry unkind and
and ungrateful in you," replied Miss Vin
ey indignantly.
44 Humph!"
44 Any trader would be likely to come
out badly if all Ins creditors pounced upon
lum without giving him tune to collect his
debts." •
44 1 don't believe he bas anything to col
lect."
44 Even your husband, as well off as he
is, might be embarrassed it suddenly called
upon to pay his debts," and Miss Viney
looked significantly at her angry compan
ion.
44 1 doubt it."
44 lie may have a trial," said tlis maiden
lady, and she moved on towards the store.
" What can she mean by that?' thought
Mrs. Waxwell.
Miss Viix-y had some r-roperfy of her
own, and it was all in the bands of farmer
Waxwell. who had, on his own account in
vested the greater part of it in railro id
stock. This was what she meant. She
would claim the three thonsano dollars he
owed her, and a cold chill passed through
her veins as the thought struck her. Far
mer Waxwell was rich in his Imu-es, laud
and slock,all of which yielded him a pret
ty fair income; but lie had not three thou
sand dollars in money, and might cost him
trouble to raise it
"What will people think/"
44 What will people think when I pay
them all. Tiie whole amount is not tnore
than $700."
Just then Miss Viney entered the house.
In a few wods she explained the circum
stances which had led to the sudden strike
among his credi'ora. Mrs. Burton, kind
soul, shed afl <od of tears when she heard
how cruel Mrs. Waxwell had been —sfce
whom she nursed with all tbe tender- ess
of a mother, when all her neighbors fled
from her contagiot^ii'ease!
44 Never mind it. We may expect al
most anything from a medb-r, a gossip and
a slanderer," said Mr. Burton- 44 1 must
start for Boston in tbe noon train if possi
ble."
"Allow me, Mr. Burton, to offer you the
money to discharge tbe liabilities. I have
three thousand dollars in the bands of Mr.
Waxwell."
"You are very kind and I accept the of
fer," replied Mr. Burton, and nexi week 1 '
shall have the means of repaying you. I
assure you that lam worth at least five
thousand dollars,'* in proof of which he
showed her various notes, mortgages and
certificates for stock.
Miss Viney hasrened to put her note in
to tiie hands of the viilag<- iawver for col
lection. Farmer Waxwell was at dinner
when the lawyer, who was a personal ac
quaintance, called upon bim.
44 1 am very %orry to trouble you," said
he, "but lam instructed to collect ibis
note."
"The !" exclaim, d farmer Wax
well.
44 The ugly huzzy f" added Mrs. Wax
well as she perceived Miss Viney's prophet
ic words had been burthened with mean—
lllg.
44 1 beg your pardon, Madam, but if I
understand it rightly, vou publicly boasted
that you brought about all this difficulty,"
said the lawyer.
• -I?'
"Yes, madam, that new cloak did the
business; you set yout hu.-band on, and all
the r at followed, so Miss Viney tells me."
"My giacious!"
"And now she wants the money to as
sist Mr. Burton out of tbe difficulty into
which you have plunged him."
"That's plain speaking," said the farm
er,
" But true."
44 1 can't raise the money."
44 Then I must sue."
44 Can't we compromise ?'
44 Burton is worth at least five thousand
dollars; and when he gets a remittance
from Boston, will pay all."
"1 will dissolve my attachment, and be
bound to tile payment of others. • Will
that do?"
"Yes, if Miss Viney will give her con
sent,"
Miss viney did consent —she was a kind
hearted lady—and tbe matter compromis
ed.
"Now, wife," said Farmer Waxwell; as
he put three hundred nollars in his. pocket
which Burton had paid, niiuits thirty dol
lars, " 1 think y.n had better go and buy
one of them ere cloaks. Your envy like
to have got me into one of the worst scrapes
I ever got into during tbe whole ol my
life.
She would not take it; she was too mean
to dress well herself, and too envious to
permit others who were able, to do so in
peace. But she gathered fiora the events
of our story, a healthy lesson of the wisdom
of that inuxmi—"Miud your owu busi
ness."
VALUABLE TABLE LEGS. —A young
man went from New York City to the
West, where he commenced business on
Irs owr. account, and married. His friends
in tbe city were interested in his welfare,
and when a merchant was about to journey
to the place win-re the young man was lo
cated, he was requested to visit the emi
grant, and ascertain how he lived, and what
sort of a woman lie had chosen, his pro—
peels, etc Accordingly the New Yorker
ascertained the residence of his young
friend, and called upon him right early in
the nioruing. He found him in a small,
neat cottage, and just taking breakfast.—
l'he introduction of the New Yorker to
his wilt- was quiet, off-hand and unceremo
nious, and he was requested to l>e seated
and partake of the morning meal. The
young wife had prepared the sieak, biscuit
and cff\e with her own hands, and for a
table had used a. kneading board, over
which a napkin was spread, and the 'board'
placed on her lap. The New Yorker de
clined a seat at the table, and in telling bis
New York friends as to how his vouug
fiiend was liv ing, he described the style as
"magnificent!" and if he weie the owner
of the young man's furniture he would not
take ten thousand dollars J or t e leg* of the
table !"
The following story is told of a Yankee
captain and his mate. Whenever there
was a plum pudding made, by tbe captain's
orders all the plums w re put into one end
placed ru xt to the captain, who after help
ing himself, passed it to tin- mate, who nev
er found any plums in his part of it
Well, after this game had been played for
some time, the mate prevailed* on the stew
ard to place the end which had no plums in
it next to the captain. The captain no
sooner saw the pudding than he discover
ed he had the wrong end of it. Picking
up the dish, and turning it in his 1 ands, as
if merely tor examining the china, he said,
" this dish cost me two shillings in Liver
pool." and put it down again as tnough
without design, with the plum end next to
himself. "I* it posib'e V* said the mate,
taking ujfc the dish; "I shouldn't suppose
it was worth more than a shilling," and, as
if in perfect innocence, he put down the
di*h with tin- plum end n- xt to hirself.—
Ihe captain looked at the mate, tbe mate
looked at the captain. The captain laugh
ed, the mate laughed. 44 1 tell you *hat,
young one," sat I the captain' "you've found
me out, so we'll just cut the pudding lengf h.
wi*e this time, and have the plums fairly
distributed hereafter,"
(9* The '**t case of indolence is that of
a man named John Hole, who was so lazy
that in writing bis name, he simply used
the letter J., and then punched a hole
through the paper.
ADVICE TO SKATERS'
Having been made aware that the ska
ting season in this latitude bas arrived, we
give the following advice to "greenies
1. Never try to skate in two directions
at once. This feat has often been attempt
ed by new beginners, but never successful
ly. It always ends in sorrow.
2. Eat a few apples for refreshment sake
while skating, and be sure to throw tbe
cor-s on the ice for fast skaters to hreak
their shins over. Fast skaters your
natural enemies, and should not be allowed
to enjoy themselves peace.ably,
3. Sit down occasionally, no matter
where—right in the way-of the rest of the
party, if jou want to. There is no law to
prevent a m w beginner from sitting down
whenever be bas an inclination to do so.
4. Skate over qll the small boys at once.
Knock 'em down. It makes great fun,
and—they like it.
5. If you skate into a bole in the ice
take it coolly. Think how you would feel
if the water was boiling hot.
"6. If your skates are too slippery buy a
new pair. Keep buying new pairs till you
find a pair that are not slippery. This
will be fun for the hardware and fancy
store men. #
7. In sitting down, do it gradually. —
Do not be too sudden; you may break the
ice.
8. When you fall headlong, examine
the straps of your skates very carefully be
fore you get np. This will make every
body think you fell because your skate
wa* loose. Beginners always do, you
know.
9. Wear a heavy oveicoat or cloak till
you get thoroughly warmed up, and then
throw it off and let the wind cool you.
This will ensure you a fine cold that will
last you as long as yrfb live.
By following these rules strictly you
may ham to skate pretty well by the first
of March—if tbe ice don't melt before that
time.
BEAUTIFUL INCIDENT,
A great inundation having taken place
in the north of Italy, owing to an excessive
fall of snow in tie Alps, followed bv a
speedy thaw, the river Adige carried off a
bridge near Vienna, except the middle
part, on which was the house of the toll
gatherer or porter, and who, with the whole
family, thus remained impiisoned by the
waves, and in momentary danger of de
struction. They were discovered from the
banks, stretching forth their hands, scream
ing and imploring succor, while fragments
of thi< remaining arch were continually
dropping into the water. *ln this extreme
danger, a nobleman, who was present, a
Count Peiverini, I think, held out a purse
of one hundred sequins as a reward to any
adventurer who would take a boat and de
liver this unhappy t'amdy. But the risk
was so great ot being dashed against th •
fragment of the bridge, or of being crushed
bv falling stones, that not one of the vast
number of spectators had courage enough
to attempt such an exploit. A peasant
passing along was informed of the propos
ed reward. Immediately jumping into a
boat, he, by strength of oars, gained tbe
middle of the river, brought the boat un
der the pile; and the whole family safely
descended by means of a rope—"Courage!"
cried he; now yon are safe," By a still
more strenuous efior;, and great strength
of arm, he brought the boat and family
safe to the. shore. "Brave fellow !" ex
claimed the Count, handing the purse to
him, "here is the promised recompense," *
I never expose my life for money," an
swered the peasant. "My labor is a suffi
cient livelihood for myself, my wife, and
children, "Give the purse to this poor fam
ily who havo lost all.''
We are indebted to Horace Walpole for
the preservation of this beautiful incident,
He would have been entitled to rr.uch
mon* of our gratitude bad he evinced the
same anxiety to preserve the name of the
illustrious peasait, as be has shown with
regard to'hat of the nobleman who offer
ed the reward. But the title and gold
had fully greater charms for him than the
obscure laborer.
CIGASS. —"When were cigars invent
ed ?" Columbus found the natives of ILs
pauiola smoking "TobaCcos," which was
the original native name for a cigar. A
very old Mexican legen states, that when
the Lord of Life descended to the infernal
regions the devils treated him to cigars.—
In a Philadelphia newspaper, some sixty
or seventy years ago, "cigarros" were ad
vertised as novelty frotn Cuba It was
aloiit the year 1830 that cigars, frock
coats and mustachios came into fashion in
Palis. Previous to that timo tobacco was
onlv "fashionable" in the form of snuff,
while pipes were generallv confined to the
'lower orders, except in Germany,
ry and the South Slavonian countries.
fg~ A wag in Detroit hs been taking
lib rties with the reputation of the Pontine
railroad. He was asked whether he knew
of an accident on that road, and replied.
• 4 Never; but once a middle aged gentU
man left Pontiac for Detroit, and died of
old age at Binghamton—half way!"
M3T A Connecticut Yankee has cleared
hie hnuae of rate by catching one end dip
ping him in red paint. He then let him
loose, an 1 other rats, not liking Lis looks,
•kadaddlad with affrifht
VOL. 6 NO. 24
AETEMUB WAD S TftRBSBIRG MA
tUIEU.
My wife'* a exceediagly practycal wo
man I luv her muchly, however, and
humor her little ways It's a recktis
falsehood that she benpecks me, and the
young man in our naborhood who said to
me as I was distendin my diafam with a
gentle cocktail at the village tavern—who
said to me in these very langwidge, "go
Lome, old man, oolesa you want another
teapot throwd at you by B. J.," probly
regrets bevm sed so. I said, "Betsy Jane
is my wife's front name, gentle youth, and
I permits no person toalood to her as B.
J. outside of the family circle, of which I
am it principally myself Your other ob
servations I scorn and disgust, and I must
polish you off." He was an able-bodied
young man, and, removin his coat, be in
quired if 1 wanted to be ground to powdet f
I said yes, if there was a powder grindist
handy, nothing would 'ford me greater
pleasure, when be struck me a painfu
blow into idt right eye, causin me to make
a rapid retreat into the fireplace. I had'nt
no idea that the enemy was so well organ
ized. But I rallied and went for him in a
rather vigoris style for my time of life. •
His parents lived near by, and I will sim
ply state that fif een minutes had only
elapsed after his first hit, when he was tar
ried home on a shutter. His mamma met
the solium procession at the door,and aft:r
keerfully looking over her offspriog. she
hdd, "My son, I see how it is disiinctually.
! You've been foolin around a thrashin ma
cheen. You went in at the place where
tbey put the grain into the thingamyjiffand
and let the horses trud on you,did'ut you,
my son ?" The peo of no livin orthur
could describe that disfortunit young man'a
sitawation more clearer. But I was sorry
for him. and I went and nussed him till he
got well. His reglar original father had
oeen sent io the war I told him I'd t>e a
fu. her to him myself. He smilta sickly
smile, and said I'd already been wuss than
two fathers to him.
A wealthy bachelor having had one
or two lawsuits lor breach of promise, now
replies to any young ladv who wishes a
few minutes private conversation, "No, you
don't madam. It cuts nie to the heart to
be compelled to boubt the honorableness of
your intentions, but that sort of thi.ig is
played out. My rule is imperative, and if
yon have any business with me it must be
transacted in the presence of two witness
es !"
A California farmer has a cow that will
permit no one to tuilk her who will not sing
while performing that operation If the
music ceases she becomes restless, and will
break away, unless it is resumed; but
while the singing progresses, she remains
perfectly docile. She does uot seem to
care so much for the quantity of the music,
provided the quality is sufficient.
A Boston clergyman ir. preaching against
tilling hoops, says he cannot shut his eye
to the abomination any longer.
If he had kept his eyes shut how would
he have known there was any abomination
about them, lie must have gone one eye
on it.
A miserly old farmer who had lost one
of his best hands in the midst of hay mak
ing, remarked to the sexton as he was
tilling up the grave ; "It's a sad thing to
lose a good mower at a time like this; but
after all poor Tom was a great eater.'*
"My friend, how long have you been
married?" said a Yankee to a young Ger
man.
" Vel, dis is a ting vot I seldom don't
like to talk about, but veo I does, it seems
so long as never vas.
A gentleman having asked how many
dog days there were in a year, received
for an answer, that it was impossible to
number them, as every dog htid his day.
Never despise counsel from wbift , ve r "
quarter they reach yon. Remember that
the pearl is keenly sought for in spito, ot~
the coarse shell which envelops it.
A man in Maine applied for two gallons
of mm for "medical purposes. For what
medical purposes?" inquired the agent.
"For raising a barn." was the reply.
Quilp thinks it father remarkable that
while several thousands feet are required
to make one rood, a single foot, properly
applied, is often sufficient to make one
civil,
A fop is like a new set of knires and
forks yon can't put him to nothing useful
without taking away all bis polish.
Whv is it easy to break into an old man's
house ? Because bis gait is broken and
his locks are few,
W The Philadelphia Mint fa producing
about two million pieces of the aew fives
par month.
Tt has been asked, "IFhen rain falls,
does it ever get np again ?" Of morse U
I dam—fa due tins*.