NEW SERIES, A weekly Democratic . paper, devoted to Pol- ffiPffelj' ies, News, the Arts *' t .®r \ and Sciences Ai*. Pub ished every Wednes- ! day, at Tunkhannoek, Wyoming County, Pa. *, * x ji*/- 1 * M—i 1 ' BY HARVEY SICKLER. - Terms—l copy 1 year, (in advance) ?2 9). not pain within six months, 512.50 will be charged NO pnper will be DISCONTINUED, until all ar roaragos are paid; unless at the option of publisher. ADVEHTISIKTG. - 1 If) lines orl ■ less, mike three \< four f'ro : <rcr s:.r one one square I Square 1.00 5 1,25; 2,2Y 2. c wj 3,0-- 5.0 •2 do. 2.001 2.505 3,251 3.501 4.51.; 6,0 3 do. 3,00; 375 4,75J 5,50; 7,00 9.0 i Column. 4,00; 4 50} 6.50 8,00) 10,00j 15,0 I do. 6 00' 959 10,01-'12.00-17,00 25,0 i do S OOi 7,00 14,00} 18,00)25.00) 35,0 1 do. 10,001 U',oo! 17,001 22,00; 23,00- 44QJ EXECUTORS, ADMIXISTR ATORS and AUDI TOR'S NOTICES, of the u>ual.length, 52.50 OBITUARIES,- "xcetling ton lin s, each ; RELI FGIOUS and LITERARY NOTICES, not of genera interest, one half tne aegular rotes. Business Cards of one square, with paper, So. JOB WORK of all kinds neatly executed, and at prices to suit the times. All TRANSIENT ADVERTISEMENTS and JOB WOKE oust be 1 aid f, r, when ordered. sUtsiufs'.s Jfofirrs. R.R, IiITTIJE, ATTORNEY AT LAW Office on Tioga street, 1 unkl anucuk Pa YirM. M. PIATT. ATTORNEY AT LAW. Of V V fice in Stark's Brick Block, Tioga St., Tun'.c anncck, Pa. CI 140 . TUTTON, ATTORNEY AT LAW, T Tunkhonnock, Pa. Office in Stark's Brick Block, Ttoga street. HS. COOPER, PHYSICIAN A SURGEON • Newton Centre, Luzerne County Pa. PJ?. .T. C- i'>l A' K i I! . PHYSICIAN SURGEON, Would respectfully announce to (lie citizensof Wy tniug. that he his located at Tunkhannoek where he will promptly attend to all caiis in the line of his profession. JTjf Will be found at home on Saturdays cf each week She Biifhlre i)oust, Cf , ' II AIiKISI una, I' KN NA. The under-signed having lately pur- ba-ed the *• BUEHLER HOUSE" property, ha, already - n --aienced such alterations' and improvements as iviii •render this old and popular House pqu 11, if r.ot supe rior, to nnv Hotel in the City of H arris burg. A continuance of the public patronage is refpect fully solicited. GEO. J. BOLTON* WALL'S HOTEL, LATE AMERICAN HOUSE/ TUNKHANNOCK, WYOMING CO., PA. rUIS establishment line recently been refitted an furnished in the latest style Every attention tvill be givcu to th* ecinfurt and convenience of those wjo patronize the HOll-; T. B. WALL, 0-vni r and Proprietor . Tunkhannoek, Septcuii-er 11, 1861. NORTH BRANCH HOTEL, MESIIOPPEN, WYOMING COUNTY, PA Wra. 11. C OUTRIGHT, Prop'r HAYING resumed the proprietorship of the above Hotel, the undersigned will spare no effort to render the house an agreeable place ot sojourn i\;r *ll who may favor it with their custom. IVm. H CCRTRIIIIIT. Jane, 3rd, 1363 Brmflotfl, D. B. BA RT LET, qLate ot the BBRAINARP IIOPSE, ELMIRA, X. Y. PROPRIETOR. The MEANS HOTEL, i- ono of the LARGEST anl BEST ARRANGED Houses in the country—lt 4* fitted tip in the most modern and improved style, and no pains are spared to make it a pleasant and agreeable stopping-place for all, v 3, n2l, ly. M. GILMAIN, IIFMTKT DtNTioTi 3 i '<& ■** v (IT GILMAN, has permnnantly located in Tunk- ' IVI. bannock Borough, and respectfully tenders his professional services to the citizens of this place aud ' arrotm-ling country. ALL WORE WARRANTED, TO GIVE SATIS FACTION. I IT Office over Tutton's Law Offic*, near the Pos Office. Dec. 11, 186 d. lATIIIAL CLAIIAGIIGY ONDUCTED BY HARVY AND COLLINS, WASHINGTON, D, C* In ortcT f 0 faciliate the prompt ad- Bounty, arrears of pay, Pensions and other Claims, due sosdiers and other persons from tihoGovernment r* the United States. The under jwed has mode a.-rangements with the ahovs firm expenen.-e lvn q c ) ogQ p ro ximity to, and daily n ereourso with the department; as well as the ear- j leknowledge, acquired by them, of the decisions ayquently being made, enables them to prosecute taims more.efficiently than Attorneys at a distance, Jnpotsih.jr do All pars >us entitled to claims ofthe Uv- can hive r h .-n i>r .p-rty attea le 1 jftlaohbylmg on me aud ent.u ; tio<r tbem to my caro HARVEY SICKLER. WaklMMtk.nf I '' * Oollim, TO GO, OR NOT TO GO, The following parody is one ot tho most unmerci ful satires of the kind we have seen for many a day Many "exempts" will testify to both its poetry and truth, Tha fellow who wrote it should be furnished with a life exemption from military service, To go, 01 not to go; that's the question- ; Whether it pays best to suffer pestering By idle girls and garrullous old women. Or to take up arms against a host of Rebels, And by opposing, get killed—to die, to sleep, (Git eout) and in this sleep to say wc "sink To rest by al 1 our country's wishes blest." And live forever— (thats a consummation Just what I'm after.) To march, to tight— To tight! Perchance to die; aye, there's the rub! For while I'm asl'-ep who'd take care of Mary And the babes,when Bill h in tho lower ground Who'd feed 'em, hoy ? Thore's the respect I have for them that makes life sweet ; For who would bear the bag to mill, Plow Dobbin s?t the wheat, dig tutors. Kill hogs and do all sorts of drudgery, It I'm fool enough to get a Rebel Bullet on the brain ? Who'd eiy for me ? Would patriotism pay my debts when dead? But Ob 1 the dread of something after death; That undiscovered fellow who'd eourt Mary, And do my lluggin'—that's agony, And makes me want to stay at home, ' Specially as I ain't mad with nobody. Shells,and bullets made cowards of us all, And blame my skin ifsno l tin' steeds, And p*>rup and circumstance of war, Are to be compared with a featherbed, And Mary by my side. LIABLE* Select § torn, A HOUSE WITH ALL THE MODERN CONVENIENCES Nehctr.iab Pollard was an army contractor, lie furnished pork for the western depart ment, and of course he got rich by it. At the end of two years of that kind of business, he found himself worth half a million. People b' gan to call him Mr. P<.liard, in stead of "old Pollard," and "Miah," and sleek men in white neck cloths, called on him with long subscription papers. Mrs. Pollard had discovered her import ance some time previously. Dry goods clerks held the doors open for her now, who 1 three years before would have seer. | ur p ad< zen parcels in the mud, and shut the skirt of her dress into the door forty times, without coining to the rescue, She wa= con sulted about sewing societies, and appealed to in bohulf of Foreign Missions, at.d Bible Societies, and Sanitary Commissions, and her opinion was quoted among her frteuds a we quote from the statute book. Mrs. Pollard awoke suddenly to a knowl edge of the tact that it illy became their al* tercd circumstances to five in a one story wooden house, in a remote part of the city, i with none of the conveniences and imprnvc | stents. They owed it to tho children, to in habit a house with all the modern converi 'ences and see something of the world* Nthennah figured his looked wise, and coincided. So a house was taken. It would be tedious to reiato ail the par : ticulars ot the furnishing, much of which was done by contract. The house was large and commodious. There was a library, conserv atory, parlor, drawing-rooms, dining-halis, and a model kitchen. It was heated with a furnace, lighted with gas ; there was a dumb waiter, spring locks, hot and cold water ; in short it was a house with all tho modern oonveniencies. The library was stocked by a stationer who received orders, to be sure the books were well bound, and mostly in red backs ; the conservatory was filled by a florist, and Mrs. Pollard stipulated only that there sbo'd be plenty cf hollyhocks and poppies. When all was ready the family moved in. Mrs. Pollard sailed about the grand rooms like a queen ; but her husband looked abso lutely frightened as he surveyed the premis es. "By golly, Peggy !" he exclaimed, "if this ere haint a little too fine for us ; I feel like a cat in a strange garret ! yes, by golly ; like two cats ! There's adi zen things here that 1 don't know the names of ! What's them gi!t things stuck up in the corner, with the bare legged children with goose wings on their backs !" "Rand sakes, Mr. Pollard ! them's corni sit es, and the pijgens is angels and youl' oblige m*: by calling me Margaret in future." "Why, I didn't know that was your name!' cried Mr. Pollard in wonder. "Peggy is the vulgar for Margaret, sir." "Sho ! wall I declare ! live and larn." "Do take your feet oil lrotn that ottoman and don't lean youi head against the paper hanging. Like enough it's greasy, "Shouldn't wonder. Pork packing is rath era greasy business." "Mr. Pollard, if you'll never allude to your business again, I'll be thankful. It's vulgar to bring home your shop with you." 'Why who has brought one home ?" "Do be more careful, Mr. Pollard ! you've smashed the varnish off from that teaty tete, and now you're a bobbing your head against the chanticleer." "I'll go to bed ! that's what I'll do, and see if I can't have some peace, I bain t allowed to tuch nothing here." tTO SPEAK HIS THOUGHTS IS EVERY FREEMAN'S RIGHT. "—Thomas Jefierson. TUNKHANNOCK, PA., WEDNESDAY, JAN. 25 1565 Mr. Pollard pet his threat into execution, bit Ins wife followed him clorely up the stairs. "Mind the stair carpet, Mr. Pollard—there I hemmed *it !" cr cl she, as Nehemiah caught his foot in the binding, stumbled, and fell thump entirely to the foot cf thestair, ' reaking the hall glass, and tearing his coat shirt entirely of? lie picked himself up with a muttered ex pletive, and gained his chamber. The servant had already lighted the gas, and opened the register. "Creation !" cried Mr. P., "it's hotter than the tropics. How do ynu fix this darn ed thing. Peggy, to cool it off ! ' "I don't know," cried his wife, "I'll ring for Jane." "The deuce you will," said Mr, Pollard glancing at his scant attire, "you go to bed— I'll manage it. I'll set the sink over the hole, and that'll keep the beat out. All right.'' Tut out the gas," said his wife from the bed. "Put out the dickens ! ' cried her husband, angrily—"here I've bio wed and blowed till I'm fit to but, and the confounded thing dances away the faster ! I can't snuff' it out neither ! I wouldn't give a taller dip fur a million of these jiggers !" "Turn it off," advised Mrs. Pollard. "Turn it, indeed ! whore 11 you turn it to ? I wonder ? Ha ! I've done it ! I've switch ed it out with my sleeve !" "Wall, don't git into bed with yonr hands smutty ; wash tip' there's hot and cold wa ter you know. Such a convenience." "debitor Amnion ! I've took the skin iff fr< m that hand ! Why the water's biling ! I'll try the cold —Z'.-uiid-! how it smarts !" and muttering to himself, Mr. Pollard com pleted bis ablution and got into bed. Sometime in the night Mrs. Pollard awoke. Sue felt chilly at, ! damp." She put out her hand and felt only water. "The lord of mercy !" screamed she. "Wake up Miah ! there's a flood ! it's got dear, up in'ihe chamber, and we shall all be droundid to rhalli ! git up and light a light!" "What in creation is it !" cried he, dash ins about in the. van attempt to find his clothes. "Ah ha! it's just struck me. I didn't fix that water spout right after I washed my hands! I remember I couldn't stop it from running. Confound the conven ience ! And there aid't no matches nor can die ! Wall, I can find my way : I'll go down to the kitchen and get a pail and Lai! vs out ' lie reached tho top of the stairs safely, took a step forward and brought up in the hail below on his head, which felt as if a whole c >lton factory had sent up its niach'- nery inside of it. Directly he ice >v. red himself, and proceed ed on his way. He went into tlie kitcnen, found the pail, and turned to go back. The door was fa t. II- pulled and kicked it with all his might, he only wasted his strength, Thou he remembered that all the doors in the house had SPRING IOCKS, and h.Y had H'.'G* lee ted to take out the key when ho came In, so, of course, b'-t was a prisoner ' Pollard was mad. It was hal enough to be washed through with a prospect of get ting immediately dried, but. to stand there on the cold floor in a January night, with no garment but jis robe do imd, was a little too much. 110 hallowed and kicked an l banged among the poL- and kettles and tin pans, lie shout ed murder and thieves at tho top of his voice and kn-eked his worst cort* wretchedly against the rat ge. Maddened by the pain,he seized the potter, and flew at the grated windows, through which he s >on made a hole largo enough to shout murder out of. * In a moment a policeman's ra'tle was heard : and directly quite a force of "stars ' congregated outside the window. "W hat's the row ?" queried a policeman. "What do you mean by kicking up such a rw this time of night ? ' Pollard threw a kettle of apple sauce at his head, -but the grating prcveuted its tak ing effect. "Desperate fellows inside there," muttered the-policceman," "It's best to be cautious, we might get into difficulty"' "Let me out or I'll be the death of the whole of ye !" roared Nehetniah, .linking des perate, "I'll shoot every mother's son of ye!" "Pollaul ! Pallard ! Miah !" called Mrs Pollard, from the entry, "do come ! in the world is the matter 1 The house is full of thieves and murderers ! I've heard 'em polling for an hour." "Let 'em yell and be blasted ! I'll be the death of the whole of'em if you don't let tne out of this !" "Don't kill anybody ! It's wicked ! re member the commandment !" entreated Mrs. Pollard, "Open the door!" roared a policeman from outside. "Open it yourself!" cried Nehetniah. "What are yot .do ig in there ?" "None of your i-usiness !" said our hero "Burst it in," commanded the police ; and after a short struggle, the door flew from the hinges, and the light of a bull's eye penetrat ed the place. "That's the villain ! seize him !" said the leader, "on with the bracelets I never mind what ho says ! We'll shtfw him and all others of his style, that he cannot break into peo ple's houses and steal with impuuity." "I tell you I am in my own house !" thun dcnid Pollard, "and I'll beat the brains out of the whole of you, if you don't make your selves skeerce ! Peggy ! Peggy ! come and help me!" Tito kitchen door flew open, and Peggy's yellow flannel night-cap appeared, "Oh, lordy !" cried she, "I can't come in afore all these men w;th my night cap ou Wait a minnit till I fix my head." Nehemiah had seized a long handled fry ing pan, and was laying about him with a will. The leader of the police began to see tire point. He brought the lantern to bear on the face of our friend. "I beg your pardon; Esq. Tollard, it was all a mistake." E-q, Po'lard, laid down his weapon, and the two shook hands. "It's all owing to this confounded house," said Nehemiah. "1 don't know no more about the new-fangled thing than the man in the moon. But. I've got some first rate cog nac in the cellar. You'll keep dark, Mr. Police." "Upon honor, squire." Mr Pollard had the locks taken off his doors and tha water pipes removed the next day. He lias lived tn his own house nearly a now, but he carries a "tallow dip" to bed with Itim, and washed his hands and face at the kitchen sink. A FABLE FOR THE YOUNG, Two springs which issued from the same mountain, began their course together ; one of tbem took her way in a c ilent and gentle flowing stream, while the other rushed along with a noisy and rapid current. "Sister," said the latter, "at the rate you move, you will probably be dried up before you advance much farther, whereas, for myself, I shall probably become navigable within two or • hree hundred furlongs, and after distribut ing commerce and wealth wherever I flow, 1 shall mafcstically proceed to pay my tribute to the ocean. So farewell, and pa'ien'ly submit yourself to your fa'e !" Iler quiet stster made no reyly ; hut calmly descended to the meadow below, and patiently proceed ed on her way, sho increased her strength by numberless little rills which she co'lected in her progress, till at length she was enabled to rise into a considerable river ; while the proud stream who had the vanity to depend solely upon tier own sufficiency, continued*,! shallow brook; and was glad at last, to be helped forward, by throwing herself into the arms of her desntsed sister. How MUCH do We Work. Who ever thought of making such a calcn -1 it ion ?—Nobody, till an industrious French man recently took up the subject ; and he has sot down and made an accurate estimate ofthe part of our several lives employed npont actual labor. Tie takes his subject at the age of seventy-two. Allowing eight hour? on an average, lor sleep, that deducts at once twenty-four years. F> r dressing and undressing, on rising and going to bed, wash ing and shaving half an hour daily, makes one and a half years. Then two hours daily for meals, count up s'x years. Love making according to his calculation, will average one hour daily, or three years. Fur society, idling, and amusement, three hours more, up to childhood, the accidents and diseases of mature age. ani like causes, will deduct two hours on an average, making six years. So that, in conclusion, one hale hearty man of seventy two years, has, in fact, not been able to employ in the positive occupation of in dustry mere than twenty two and a half years ! IMPORTANCE of FAMILY COURTESY Family intimacy should never make broth ers and sisters forget to be polite and sympa tnizing to each other. Those who contract thoughtless an d rude habits towards the member of their own family, will be rude and thoughtless to all the world. But let the family intercourse be tiue. tender, and the manners of all uniformly gentle and consider ate. and the members of the family thus trained will carry into the world and society, the habits of their childhood. They will re quire i*i their associates similar qualities ; they will not be satisfied without mutual esteem and the cultivation of tho best affec tions, and their own character will be sus tained by that faith in goodness which belongs to a mind exercised in pure and high thoughts. One in the Queen city of tho Wist writes : Two years ago I came to Cincinnati to engage in business, and soon obtained the assistance of a German partner, by name Bar ney. Finding in a short time that the mud dy water of the Ohio was not as palatable or healthy as it might be, I bought a porous stone filter and sent to the store. I told Barney to take it down in the cellar and keep it filled with water until wanted. A few days after, I asked Barney to "bring up that stone jar from the cellar." Said he, "I cannot." "Why not ?" "I gave the ashman silence this morning to carry it away ; fori had poured fonr pails of water in it, and it leaked so that I knew you would be glad to get rid of it." la Uiucoln Insane. There is one pjint in Lincoln's recent message that certainly evinces positive insan tity. W2 refer to that portion where he reckons the national debt as a part ofthe na tional wealth. This is simply mistaking poverly for riches, and it seems that no man in a sane mind could do it. It is the same kind of an error a man would make, who, after mortgaging his lattd, should add the money burrowed to the full value of hia land, and to determine how much he was worth and thus cams to the fastounding conclusion that he had got rich by running in debt ! Either Lincoln is stark mad, or else this is his latest joke ! GETTING THE EVES OPENED. — The New York Times, Republican, thus discourses on taxation. We are glad those who have help ed to bring the trouble on the country are getting tneir. eyes opened about the crushing load of debt the Administration is heaping upon us. The Times says—"Our taxes are stretched almost to the extremely." "New loans cannot meet one-half of our daily ex penditures." "There is a limit even to the power of this nation in bearing a public debt." "Of the crushing of]the rebellion there can be no doubt, but it may be gained through the destruction of the public credit. "We are spending perhaps four times our income." Major General Benjamin F. Bntkr has been removed by the President from the position of commander of the Army cf the James and the Department of Virginia anil North Carolina, and ordered to report at Lowell, Massachusetts The official docu ment in the case directed him to turn over his command to "the person named by Lieu tenant General Grant as bis temporary suc cessor." General Ord, lately in charge of the Twenty fourth corps, has succeeded tern oorarily to the important position. /j y"I have always been astonished." said Miss Smith, "at the anxiety of young ladies for beaux, but I never pitied a female more than when Mis-s Mountfathers left my school. Se*einj her gazing toward the skv, I asaed her what brie was looking fi-r. "That beat.," said she, "which is told of as being set tn the cloud—l wish he'd come down, Appropos : said Miss Jones, I want no humpbacked . man ; the beau up there is "bent.** OI.D SONG, — There's tin oily time coming, boys' An oily time coming, There's an oily time coming boys, Wat a little longer. We may "strike grease,"' or we may not Stocks go to par or go to pot, la this oily tiutc coraining, "Well," not "wholes," sh ril light mankind, The perfume shall be stronger, An l "derricks" shall supplant "harpoons," Wait a little longer. (Chorus)— Oh, there's an oily time corting "Why is it," said cue of our school marms to a young scape grace who had caus ed her much trouble by bis bad conduct, "why is it you behaved so well when you first came to school, ann are so disobedient now ?" "Because," said young hopeful look ing up into tho tea-hcr's face. "I wasn't much acquainted then." A young lady of aristocratic birth, who eloped not long since from the county T.imorick, with her father's groom, ha.s been discovered residirg with him in the city of Cork. She stnbornly refuses, however, to return to her family, who are in great afflic tion. Her fortune, when she comes of age, will be ten thousand pounds sterling. - A TM.E OF WOE.—I clasped her tiny hand in mine, I ciasped her beauteous form ; I vowed to shield her from the wind, and from the world's cold storm. She set her beaute ous eyes on me, the tears did wildly flow.and with her little lips she said "Confound ycu ! let mo go." "HARD TACK," —In Dauphire, France. make bread but once in six months,and bake it with the refuse of the fields. In the win ter it bee itnes so hard that they cut it with an axe. and soak it fur twenty four hours be fore they can eat it. JG3T Anti-Bbolition State Rights Asso ciations have been formed at Newfield, New York, and at Hillsborough, Ohio. The Country Gentleman says that scraping the horns, of oxen on the inside will make them curve outward, or yice versa. srtsr 11 You're a man of figures," as the mathematician said to the dancing master. — Lad'es patch their laces for economy and their faces for beaut}'. JJ2ST Why does a sculptor die a horrid death 1 He makes faces and busts. £2T Why is a cow's tail like a swan's breast ? Because tt grows down. JS3T" The only ever-lasting people on earth are the shoo makers. TEBLM S: S2.OOPEXI ANNUM DECIDEDLY COOL. A lad}', who had a somewhat Bacchanalian spouse, resolved to frighten him into temper ance. She therefore engaged a watchman,for a stipulated reward, to carry "Philander" to the watch-house, while yet in a stato of in sensibility, and to frighten him a little when he recove r cd, In consequence of this ar j rangement, he woke up about eleven o'clock, and found himself on his elbow. He looked around until his eyes rested on a man sitting by a stove and smoking a cigar. "Where am I ?" asked Philander. "In a medical college,'' said the cigar smok er. "What a doing there ?" "Going to be cut up." "Cut up—how comes that " "Why, you died yesterday, while drunk, and wc have bought your carcass anyhow from your wife, who had a right to sell it, for it's all the good she could ever rnhke out cf you. If you are not dead, it's no fault of the doctors j and they'll cut you up, dead or alive." ' You will do it, eh ?" asked tiie old sot. "To be sure we wiii—now—immediately," was the resolute answer. "Wall—lo k o'' here, can't you let U3 have something to drink before you begin." On the Mobile and Ohio Railroad near the Tennessee line, there lived a mer chant who also kept a Post-office, and of an evening his store wtuld be full of his custom ers, eager to hear him r£ad the new?.—. While reading the paper to them one even ing, he came to a paragraph as follows : "Owing to the large rumber of emigrants travelling westwatd, coin will probably com mand a very high price." One old gentleman at this point interrup ted hitn, and wanted to know what emigrant meant. The merchant stopped reading, and after studying fur some time answered, "Well, my friend, to tell you the truth, I don't know, but I believe they are an animal be tween a"pcssu-n and a coon— anyhow they're death on corn !" — fr'-flC*. Theodore Tilton was not very gal lant to the Ci.icgo ladies in his address there lately. Ho said there were more ways of recruiting cur army than one. There were two soldiers once in Grant's army,lying beneath their blankets lucking up at the stars in a Virginia sk} . Says, Jack : 'What made you go into the army' Tom ?" "Well," replied Tom, "I had no wife and I loved war. What made you go to the war, Jack ?" "Well," he replied, "I had no wife and J loved pcco, so I went to the war." He doubled nut that among the fair faces ho saw before him, many had contributed to sweii the rands of the army i:i both ways.£s A droll story is related of an honest old farmer, who, in attempting to drive home a buil, got suddenly hoisted uv: r a fence. Re covering himself, he saw the animal on the other side of the rails, sawing the a>r with his head and neck, and pawing the ground The eood old man looked steadily at him a moment and exclaimed : —"Darn your apoli fjies, you needn't stand there you 'tarnel critter, bowin' and scrapin'—you did it a pur pose, darn your curly pictur ?" "To be a woman of fashion is one of tho easiest things in the world. A late writer thus describes it: Buy everything you don't want, and piy for nothing you get; smile on all mankind but your husband ; be happy everywhere but at home ; neglect your chil dren and nurse lap-dogs ; go to church every tunc you get a new dress." —. "Harry," said a young lady on the seat be fore us at the theatre, "how I should love to be an actress." "An actress, Henrietta ? why Oh, it must be so nice tube made love to in such pretty words every evening !" "V hat are you about with my microscope, George ?" ''l've been shaving, father, and I want to see if if there are any hairs in the lather yet." "If I was a sheep, Pat," said a farmer to his hired man, as he observed the sheep lying in a shady position, "I would lie on the other side of the fence, where it is warmer."— "Throth, thin," was the reply, "if ye had been a shape, ye would have had more sine© nor ye have now." JET "lljw do you like me now," as ke a belle of her sponso, as she sailed into the room, with a sweeping train of muslin follow ing her. "Well," said he, "to tell you the truth, it is iwopssiblo for me to like you any longe; car A man once advertised his property for sale, and concluded his advertisement with, "A never failing stream of water be fore the door." Very true —his property was seated on the Delaware river. Old Gentleman (affectionately) —"My son, why do yon chew that filthy tobacco ?" Precocious Youth (stiffly)— 1 "To get th# juice out of it, old codger !" YOL. 4 NO. 24
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