SULLIVAN .JSHS) REPUBLICAN.
W. M. CHENEY. Publisher.
VOL. XIII.
Science has discovered that peanut*
are more nutritious than beef.
The Apneho chief, "Red Tail," who
attempted to hold up a couple of cow
boys in New Mexico tho other day, now
belongs to the Improved Order of lied
Men. Ho is dead.
Persia is about to make tho experi
ment of producing its own sugar.
Beet root culturo on a small scale has
already proved a success, and thisyear
the root is to bo cultivated very ex
tensively.
The twelve States or Territories of
South Africa have a population of
about 6,000,000, of whom 1,400,000
are whites. Tho principal State is
Capo Colony, whoso exports last year
were §56,000,000, imports $55,000,-
000.
Some time ago California offered a
bounty of 35 each for coyote scalps.
It was supposed at the timo that there
were not more than 2000 coyotes ia
tho State, but tho claim for bounties
for the last quarter of 1891 already
amounts to 853,000 with seventeen
other counties to hear from.
It is probablo that Norman A.
Mozely, of Missouri, will be the
youngest member of tho next House
of Representatives. He was born on
a farm in 1866, and worked as a farm
hand until 1887, when he had educa
ted himself sufficiently to teach school
and study law. Colonel George B.
McClellan, of New York, who is abont
thirty, will be another of the youthful
members of a House that bids fair to
be noted for the young men in it.
The total number of Scandinavians
in this country is about 1,000,000, but
instead of being distributed through
out tho various States, they are to bo
found almost exclusively in the North
west, observes tho Atlanta Constitu
tion. Norweigans are most numerous
in Minnesota, where the total Scandi
navian body amounts to 250,000,
double tho number of Germans and
eight times more than the Irish.
Swedes are most numerous in Illinois,
where they number more than 90,000
in a total Scandinavian population of
about 125,000. In the city of Chicago
there are more than 10,000 Swedish,
moro than 5000 Norweigan aud more
than 2500 Danish voters. The Danes,
the smallest of tho groups of Scandi
navian voters in the country, are most
numerous in lowa.
Tho Rev. Dr. Reuen Thomas, of
Brookline, Mass., devoted consider
able timo last summer to listening to
other preachers, and as the result of
his experience makes a report strong
ly in favor of written sermons. He
says:"l havo tried to recall the ser
mons which held me at that time and
which have stayed by me since. To
my great astonishment, not ono of
them was extemporaneous. With
one exception, I did not hear a single
extemporaneous sermcn that was
scholarly, with much of intellectual
flavor about it, logically suggestive or
strikingly devout. I did not hear one
sermon in which the proacher used a
manuscript which had not about it a
delightful intellectual flavor, with
logical continuity of thought, devo
tional feeling and much of suggestive
ness." Dr. Thomas's observations
were made among Episcopalians, Pres
byterians, Congregationalists, Luther
ans and Roman Catholics.
The New York Independent says:
There must be something highly valu
able in the use of the bioycle, which
has long passed the stago of "orazo,"
and has become so much the estab
lished order of things as to have ser
iously injured the market for horses.
There is every reason to suppose that
a moderate and rational use of the
bicycle directly contributes to health
—of course the mental strain and pro
tracted over-exertion called for in
racing are an immense tax on tho vital
force. It has long been known that
the violent muscular effort of the
hunted hare, who is coursed to his
death by dogs, produces just as un
natural a condition of the blood as
does a severe infectious fever; and tho
occasional cases of persons who havo
unsound hearts, dying from the extra
efforts of the "cycle," should be a
warning. Dr. Tessie, of Bordeaux,
studied carefully the effect of the
efforts of M. Stephane, whose objeot
was to see how many miles he oonld
ride in twenty-four hours. He ac
complished 385 miles. Ho lost in
Weight fourteen pounds. His food
consisted of five pints of milk, one
pint of tea, ono pint of letaouade, and
three ounces each of ru:n and cham*
pagne, and seven ounces of miut; and
the secretions so changed as to show
that "his body ate itself." Tiiis kin I
of living will do for a "spurt," but
would be ruinous in the louts run.
MY CLOCK.
In tho silence of the night.
If I waken with affright,
From a dream that's full of terror anil
annoy,
There's a sound that Alls my heart
With a melody of art,
Full of beauty, full of pleasure, full of joy.
'TIs the steady "tlok, tick, tock."
Of my sturdy little clock,
As it sits across the room upon a shelf;
And it says: "Don't be afraid.
For I've olosely by you stayed
While you woro off in tho land of dreams
yoursolf.
••With a steady 'tlok, tick, tick,'
I am never tired or sick.
And I count the minutes over as they fly;
I'm the truest friend you've got,
And I share your ev'ry lot,
And I'm ready to stand by you till you die."
It's a common sort of clock,
But 1 like its lusty "tock,"
And it Alls my soul with courigo by its
song.
In the storm, or cold, or rain,
I hear Its bright refrain,
As it faithfully pursues its path along.
For it tells me to be true
To each thing I have to do,
And, no matter if the world applaud or
scorn,
That full soon must pass tho night,
And tho sweet and precious light
Be unfolded with the coming of the morn.
—Hamilton Jay, in Florida Times-Union.
A DREADFUL HEADACHE.
BT W. J. LAMPTOV.
—jj> * HAD a haad
" i&J nc^e * * se e
nn y especial rea
• B ° n wh y a y°ung
~ ~ U man of good
moral character
habits, who takes
H"(/ (/ \yv> 8 hours' sleep
seven nights in the week should have
a headache, but I did. It was one of
that popping kind of headaches, that
makes one feel ns if his lungs had gone
to his head and they were trying to
expand there about four diameters, at
intervals of a minute. I believe they
call them nervous headaches, but I
fancy they wouldn't be any more
agreeable by any other name. Then
my heart was as heavy as lead, and
once or twice as I walked along, I
really feared it was going to pull loose
from its fastenings and drop down
upon my duodenum, or whatever it is
that the doctors toll us is concealed in
our persons in that neighborhood.
Possibly it was the heavy heart that
gave me tho headache. But no. I
recall now that I was going to see
Kitty, tho one girl in the whole world
that made it any kind of a world for
mo, aud we had a slight misunder
standing. It wasn't tho head that
gave me the heart ache; it was the
heart that gave me tho headache. I
believe I said that I took eight hours'
sleep seven nights in the week. At
this point, I wish to modify that
statement. In tho week past, I had
douo so only six nights, for the night
before the day on which I was on my
way to tee Kitty wo had disagreed
with each other. I ddk't think I slept
at all.
I was going now to sco the young
woman and settle the matter finally,
and though I was a promising young
lawyer ready to make a case for any
body else, I had no papers in this
case, and was goiug empty handed.
I didn't even have so much as my brief
with me.
At the doer Mrs. Miltby—Mrs.
Miltby is Kitty's mother, and a most
exemplary aud motherly soul—met
me, and on the instant started back in
amazement.
"Why, John"—tho always called
me Johu, for she had known me sino«
I was a mere baby—"Why, John,"
she exclaimed, "whatever is tho mat
ter with you? You look like you
were going to have a bad spell."
"Oh, that will be all right in a day
or so," I replied evasively. "I have
a severe headache. Is your daughter
at home?"
"You mean Kitty?" she asked in
surprise.
"Of course," said I. "You haven't
any other daughter, have you?" and I
made believe to smile.
"Oh, I didn't know," she stain
merod.
"Didn't know what?" and I tried to
smile again. "Didn't know whether
you had another daughter or not?"
"Why, to be—certainly 1 know that.
Why, how queor you do talk," she
rattled on half hysterically, and laugh
ing one of that creepy kind of laughs
one dreams of when he hasn't oaten
the right thing for supper. "Ar—ar
■ —you quite sure, John," she broke
put excitedly, "that that headache
hasn't gone to your head?"
It was cruel to tease her, and with
a supreme effort I talked rationally to
her for a few minutes—they seemed
like hours to me, and then she said
she would go and tell Kitty.
As for myself, I went into the little
parlor and waited. How sweet and
pretty it looked, and how like a sand
stone on a gold setting I felt. Every
thing was as I had seen it so often,
the pioture of her grandpa over the
cottage piano; the frame in which my
picture had been for so many months,
but empty now on the corner of the
mantel; tho largo photograph of
Saint Cecilia looking heavenward, as
we had so often told each other we al
ways felt when we were together ; the
two big friendly chairs inviting each
other to come nearer, which we al
ways sat in when I first came in the
evening, and the snug littlo sofa in
the corner that was always my point
of departure when I told her good
night, and went my way back to my
own cheerloss apartments in a home
less boarding house. I looked at them
all, and as tho drowning man sees all
his sins before hiin, so did I see these
all things twice over,and multiplied by
LAPORTE, PA., FRIDAY, APRIL 12. 1895.
a thousand as the greatest blessings of
iny life. Then I shut my eyes. I
oould not help it. My head felt as if
n dozen sets of lungs had gotten into
it and were doing expansion turns for
' a prize.
j I opened my eyes suddenly at the
sound of a voice.
"Mother told me you wished to sea
me," it suid as chilly as if it had been
left out over night in the frost.
"Ob, Ki—," I began, as I stood up
before her. "I beg your pardon," I
continued, "your mother was quite
right, I did wish to see you."
"I nan scarcely understand why,"
she went on,"after what occurred
last night. Still, yon may be able to
explain and I am willing to listen, at
least for a few minutes, as I have an
engagement," she added, with the
faintest kind of a smile.
It was such a miserably mean little
I smile, I thought, that it was ashamed
to show itself openly.
"Oh, don't let me detain you," I
tried to say with biting sarcasm, but
I only bit my tongue in saying it.
"I shall not," she replied. "When
lam ready togo I will let you know.
Pray, be seated," and she waved mo
to my chair again, taking one of our
"our," think of that—big chairs and
nestling down in it so cozily that I
wanted to throw a book at her.
I really wanted to throw myself at
her, but I had never dared do that,
and this was scarcely an appropriate
time to begin.
"I presume," I said, "your engage
ment is with that Mr. Kilmer and my
presence here is an intrusion."
Kilmer had been the cause of the
trouble the night before, and Kilmer
was such a good fellow generally, that
I couldn't help but wish that he had
died several years beforo with the
cholera or some of the other epidem
ics which visit our shores and carry
away so many excellent people.
"Oh, no," she sail, "no intrusion
at all. At least, not yet. He was
hero this morning and told me ho
would not be around again until 4
o'clock."
She looked up at the pretty brass
clock I had given her. Both its tiny
hands were clasping tho figure throe.
Three-quarters of an hour, aud a
whole lifetime thereafter!
"Isn't it enough that you should
have killed me," I said, "without be
ing so eager to cut me up."
"I was merely defending a friend,"
she retorted.
"And you claim Kilmer ag a
friend?"
"I certainly do. Isn't ho a friend
of yours?"
"Not at all. If ho were, he would
not have interfered with my happiness
as he has done."
"I beg your pardon," she said. "I
didn't know he had."
"Didn't I tell you last night ho was
a scoundrel, intent ouly upon separat
ing us?" I asked hotly.
"And didn't I tell you that I would
permit no friend of mine to bo called
a scoundrel by anyone without resent
ing it to tho utmost?" she replied.
"Jiilt I did call him that," I in
sisted.
"Yes, and what good did it do
you?" she said, stepping to the mantel
and holding out tho empty frarno in
which my picture had formerly been
tho attraction.
"His will take tho placo of the
former occupant?" I said, scornfully.
"His or another's," she responded,
and actually giggled.
A giggle from a girl is dreadful
enough under any circumstances, but
at this time it was positively galliug. '
"Great Scott!" I exclaimed, stag
gering to my feet, "am I then a two
fyld dupe? Are the returns all in?
Have the back counties been heard
from, Miss Miltby?" and I buried my
face in my hands.
I could hear the cl ick of the framo
as she set ft back on the mantel and a
mild sort of a dull thud as she dropped
into the big chair.
"Mr. Kilmer is, at loast, enough of
a gentleman, scoundrel though you
say he is," she said, "not to talk to a
lady as you do."
"Oh, Ki— l beg your pardon, Miss
Miltby," I apologized, "I hope you
will forget that I spoke so rudely. In
deed, I did not mean it."
"I don't see what reason you have
for objecting to Mr. Kilmer paying me
auy attention he sees fit to pay," she
told me for answer. "I have known
him for a long time and he is held in
tho highest esteem by everyone except
you."
' 'But I have known you quite as
long as he has," I contended.
"Which is hardly a reason for act
ing as you are now acting," she said.
"Does he love you?" I asked, and I
could feel a thousand throbs in my
head at once.
"I presume nrft," she replied, smil
ing. "If he does, he has been too
modest to say so."
"Do you love him?"
"That is my own affair," she an
swered, freezingly.
I threw my hand quickly to my
side, for, as I live, I thought that in
stant that my heart would certainly
break looso and drop down. I think
if I oould have stepped on a scale that
moment with it in my bosom, I would
have weighed a ton.
"It is not altogether yours," I said
with a gasp.
"No?" and the interrogation point
ran up into her eyebrows and arched
them sharply like a spear-point, it
seemed to me.
"No, and I want you to so under
stand it." I was growing desperate.
"I have some rights which I propose
to see are respected and I shall not
stand like a post and be dumb as
one."
"And what rights have you, pray,
that I should respeot them?" she
asked so sarcastically that it felt as if
I had stepped across tho path of a out
ting hailstorm.
"The right lmvingjmy claim
heard beforr i -illlowed and
thrown ont of court," I responded,
dropping into shop talk without know
in* it.
"Have you ever presented your
claim?" she inquired with judicial
dignity.
Had I? That was the question. Had
! 1? For years I had known Kitty Milt
by. We had grown up from child
hood together. We had gone to sohool
together. For mcnths I bad loved
her. By day she was ever in my
thoughts, and by night her spirit
tilled my dreams with music. I had
given her my heart without the ask
ing, but I had never asked for hers.
It didn't seem necessary. I thought,
of courso she knew I wanted it. Now,
I was brought face to face with the
facts. Had I ever presented my claim?
Well, I had not. At least, not with
tho formality wliioh my training as a
lawyer demauded that I should.
"Oh, Kitty, Kitty," and I almost
cried from the reaction. "I love you
more than all tho world, and I want
you as much as I want the world ; for
you are the world to mo. Now, will
you say that my claim has not been
presented?"
It doesn't make any difference what
I alio said, or how sho said it or whether
| luy arms were on the mautelpip'.e, or
! whero they were; and it is *" ,nody'n
j business how much that nr. i Kilmer
! had to do with bringing me to a real
i izing sense of my situation, or why ha
! and Kitty smiled when 1 told him it
was all right.
I think Kilmer is tho best fellow in
tho world, and so does K j ,cy, with ono
exception.
When I ' it tho house Mrs. Miltby
met me in i ie hall.
"Here's . sovereign remedy for the
headache, John," she said, handing
mo a bag of herbs, "I've used it for
forty years, and it never fails."
"Oh, that's all right, moth—Mrs.
Miltby," said I; "I guess I'm cured
of that kind of headache forever," and
if she hadn't stood in the door as I
went down tho walk, I'm sure I should
have jumped clean over the gate, and
acted in a manner utterly unworthy
of my dignity as a rising young
lawyer.
It was fi p. m., and Kitty had not
missed her engagement at 4, because
by that time it was permanently set
tled.—Detroit Free Press.
United States ot South Africa.
Recently in tho Imperial Institute,
London, at a meeting presided over
by tho Prince of Wales, Dr. Jamison
gave an aocount of the rush of prog
ress witnessed in South Africa, and in
dicated that all signs tended to the
federation of the vario.vs colonies un
der the name of the United States of
South Africa. In no part of the world
is history made so rapidly, Dr. Jami
son declared, as inthecountry stretch
ing from the Cape of Good Hope to
Lake Tangenyika, several thousand
milos nortliward. Tho area now un
der the control of British colonizing
influence equals that of the whole of
Europe. Besides gold in large quan
tities, coal and iron ore, those primal
requisites of civilization, have been
found and are under prospect of rapid
development. In tho last three years
nearly 2000 miles of telegraph lines
have been established, and three dif
ferent lines of railway, from as many
points of the compass, aro opening tip
the splendid country. Tho colonies,
together with the quasi-independent
Transvaal Republic of the Boers, to
bo federated, would number some
eight or nine members, and tho racial
problem, as regards the native Africans,
has so far not presented itself. Tho
natives have not been vested with tho
ballot, nor is it likely that the young
confederacy will, for tho next ten or
twenty years, troublo itself with tho
attempt of considering tho subject.—
Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph.
Education ol Military Hoars.
Tho education of military dogs in
the German army proceeds as follows:
First ho is put through a general
course of training, having for its ob
ject to teach him prompt obedience to
command and signals; then he is
taught to run errands with certainty,
BO that he may go from the advance
patrols back to tho rear divisions and
return at the word of command, and
that he may keep up communication
between stationary divisions and posts;
finally he is taught to bo vigilant and
make known the approach of any
stranger to the post. Training to fit
them for search after tho missing is
not usually required. It would have
a result only in rare cases—oxcept in
the use of dogs by sanitary corps, di
visions of volunteer nurses, etc., to
whom in case of war specially trained
dogs will be assigned—but would
rather lead the dogs to expose them
selves uselessly to danger and get lost.
Even this, however, sometimes enters
into the course of instruction, when
individual dogs show themselves especi
ally fitted for it and the teacher pos
sesses great aptness in in. 'easing on
the dog his duties in this directton.
Native Country ot Indian Corn.
We believe that both the Japanese
and Chinese claims to have known our
so-called Indian corn for a thousand
years or more, bnt this does not in
any way invalidate the story of its
American origin. It may have been
carried from this country to Japan
either by some person or in an aban
doned canoe; and, in fact, there are
various ways in which an ear or a fow
grains of oorn might have reached the
Eastern Nations. It was certainly cul
tivated here and used for food by the
prehistorio races of this country more
than one or two thousand years ago,
because the oharred and dried grains
of Indian corn, beans and pumpkin
•eeds are found in many of the ancient
ruins of the homes of a people who
lived here long before the Indians ap
peared, or what we call the "red
men" began to roam over the Western
plains.—New York Sun.
BRAZEN MENDACITf "
EXPORT STATISTICS FALSIFIED
BY A FRKK TRADK OKU AN.
The Claim That There Was a Fall
ing Oft In Kxports l.ast Year Re
futed by the Figures—A Guin
Instead of a Loss.
Recent statistics show in a very striking
way the disastrous effect of our high tariff
on the export trade in American products.
Official reports published rocently by the
United States Treasury Department show
that during 1894 there was n large falling oil
In our exports to Germnny of agricultural
implements, sowing machines, manufactures
of ootton and Hour, and a falling off of more
than fifty per cent, in our exports to Ger
many of seeds, butter, beef products and hog
products.—New York Herald.
We do not know whether the failure
of tho popular loan ochcmo has so
Bonred the stomach of Mr. James Gor
don Bennett that ho has cabled to his
editors to resort to deliberate false
hoods iu the columns of his papers,
but the foregoing is the most bare
faced and brazen piece of mendacity
that wo have evot seen published on
the equivocating, shifty, ovasivo and
un-American editorial pago of the
New York Horald.
We take the exports of tho United
States, as published by tho Bureau of
Statistics of the Troasury Department
for 1894 and for 181)3, giving tho
values of tho above mentioned articles
exported to Germany in each year, as
follows:
EXPORTS TO GERMANY.
i Values. *
Articles. 1804. 1893.
Agricultural imple
ments $536,443 $379,437
Sowing machines.. . 228,120 378,198
Cotton manufac
turers 177,687 126,863
Flour 875,852 1.477,130
Seeds 908,330 1,309,400
Uutter 108,841 7,730
Beef products:
Canned beef.. . 486,860 559,935
Salt orpick'.cm. . 505.897 320,940
Hog products:
Bacon 1,054,867 484,692
Hams 180,270 79.182
Fresh and pickled
pork.. . 197,55 a 70,937
Lard . 8,707,398 6,112,063
Totals. . ..$13,968,123 $11,306,807
The foregoing is a list of tho articlos,
mentioned by tho Herald, that shows
"a large falling of! iu our oxports to
Germany." Tho values are taken
from a report by Mr. Wortliington C.
Ford, Chief of tho Buroau of Statistics
of tho Treasury Department. The
"largo falling off" of tho Herald's im
agination is an actual increase of $2,-
0<i1,316.
In agricultural implements tho
"largo falling off" was a gain of $157,-
00(). In sewing mnchines the "lorge
falling oil" wa5,£150,072, due in great
part to tho very much lower price at
which Bewing machines are now sell
ing owing to the expiration of patents.
In cotton manufactures the "large
falling off was an increase of $50,824,
which is very remarkable when wo con
sider that Germany bought from us in
1894 over (>3,000,000 pounds moro
raw cotton than sho did in 1893. In
flour tho "large falling off" was sGl)l,-
278 because Germany bought more
wheat from Argentina aud made her
own flour under her policy of protec
tion to her home industries.
In our exports of seeds to Germany
the "falling off of more than 50 per
cent." was less than 50 per cent., but
tho Herald forgets to stato that tho
protection on seeds was reduced 50
per cent., so that wo sold less when
the markets of the world were open to
us, and the samo was the case with
flour. But look at tho "falling off of
more than 50 per cent." in our exports
of butter to Germany, which woro
only $7730 in 1893, and increaso to
$108,841 in 1894, a gain of nearly
1400 per cent.
Then again, tho "falling off of more
than 50 per cent." in our exports of
beof products resolves itself into an
increase of $111,882, our shipments
of canned beef being lighter, but of
srlt or pickled beof $185,000 more
than in 1893, leaving the net gain in
our beef export trade at $111,882, as
above stated.
Still farther the "falling off of more
than 50 per cent." in Germany's pur
chases of American hog products ie
represented by an inorease of $3,892,-
913, which was exactly a gain of 50
per cent, iu this branch of our trade,
every article of bacon, hams, fresh and
pickled pork and lard being iu greater
demand than in 1893.
As tho Herald was correct in noting
'" . y
CUCKOO"
Terms—tl.oo in Advance ; 81.25 after Three Months.
smvller exports of sewing machines
and flour to Germany last year, the
writer of the article cannot bo excused
on the ground of an ignorance of ad
dition and subtraction. Wo must as
sume, therefore, though we do so with
regret, that tho article was a cheat,
pure and simple, tho deliberate con
coction, as they siiy in Paris, d'un
monteur a triple etago. It is worthy
of the attention of Mr. Jutues Gordon
Bennett.
Democratic Papers Complain.
"Indexes of prosperity. The re
turn of good times shown by the news
papers. Circulation up, more adver
tising. "
The foregoing is a copy of some
headlines in the New York Times of
February 22. As they did not appear
on the editorial page there might be
some semblanoo of truth in tho news
that they convey. If so we aro heartily
glad to know it. The newspapers can
not bo as prosperous whilo tho free
trade ruin and wreckage policy is in
effect as they were under protection.
Even tho Now York Herald had to
complain that every private industry
was being injured by tho party it
helped to place in control of our Na
tional Administration. With the res
toration of protection the Democratic
newspapers everywhere will return to
prosperity.
Measured by the Wnsro Scale.
•.ig November IMoqes '
"Dun's Review"
I \ lj&
poo; I \ \ SWT:
?Vi
Wilson a Dead Letter.
The appointment of Professor Wil
son to the office of Postmaster-Gen
eral was, without any exception, by
far the wisest official action that Pres
ident Cleveland has ever performed.
The tool that the President used in
wrecking American industries and
ruining American labor has now been
laid aside upon u shelf where it will
bo harmless. The master mechanic in
the art of destruction will never find
another tool so ready, so willing or so
well molded to the shape of his hands,
nor will ho ever again have tho occa
sion to use one. Wilson is now a dead
letter in his own department.
What Free Trade Does,
Hard on Hop Growers.
Tho reduction in the duty on hops
resulted iu our importing over 500,000
pounds moro hops last year than in
1893, and in our exporting 2,700,000
pounds less to those foreign markets
of the world that were supposed to be
waiting for them, England iu partic
ular being specially desirous to avoid
buyiug them, as sho took 2,80'J,0J0
pounds less than in 1893
The Great Li-eck- -s.
Mr. Cleveland's party has done all
it could to wreck the industrial sys
tem of the country. Why should tho
people expeot it to do less for their
financial system ?
NO. 27.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ABE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PBESS.
Too Quiet —Xo OH to i rouble—Part of
the Player's Uniform—Liocatlux
the Hullet—Warned In Time, Kte.
A strange wan nod with curious eyea
A store that did not advertise,
AH ho was passing by it;
Invitod ill, ho .shook his hond;
"I thought it wag to let," ho said,
"It looked so very quiet."
—Printers' Ink.
NO OIL TO TROUBLE.
Mrs. Banks—"How do you manage
to keep your cook?"
Mrs. Brooks—"We keep the kero
sene can bid."—Life.
HIS SHAPE.
Mrs. O'Hoolihan—"An' is yure oold
mon a square policemon?"
Mrs. Gilhooly—"No, ho do bo a
roundsmen."—Syracuse Post.
TART OP THE PLAYER'S UNIFOKM.
Trivyet—"lt's a hair-raising busi
ness !"
Dicer—"What is?"
Trivvet—"Football."—Detroit Free
Press.
WARNED IN TIME.
Junior—"So you didn't propose to
her, after all?"
Weed—"No; and I'm not going to.
When I got to her house I found her
chasing a mouso with a broom."—
Puck.
LOCATING THE BULLET.
"And you say your father was
wounded in the war?"
"Bad, sir."
"Was lie shot in the ranks?"
"No, sir; in the stummick!"—At
lanta Constitution.
WHERE BREVITY IS A BLESSING.
Tho Professional Lecturer—"lsn't
it funny? They frequently pay mo
as much for a short lecture as for a
long one."
Ilis Friend—"l should think they'd
pay you more."—Chicago Record.
AT THE TEA.
He (breathlessly) —"I can't get you
any tea this minute, Ethel. It seems
to have run out."
She—"Never mind. Hand mo that
empty cup and siucer from the man
tle. It'll do just as well."—Yalo
Record.
A CHIEF AMONG MEN.
Hungry Huwkins—"An" what did
der doctor down to der hospittle say
was do matter wid yer?"
Weary Raggles—"He said me liver
wouldn't work."
Hungry Hawkins (admiringly)
"Shake, old man, shake! Yer one of
us down to tho de werry core, ain't
yer?"—Puck.
A FAMILY JAR.
At last she had rebelled—mildly.
"They tell me you lead a double
life," she said, looking straight into
the eyes of tho confused man beforo
her.
"Me?" lie gasped.
"Yes, you. I heat that when you
are away from home you are as pleas
ant and good natured a man as can he
found anywhere."—lndianapolis Jour
nal.
AN ALIBI.
"What time of night was it you saw
tho prisoner in your room?" asked the
defendant's attornoy in a recent suit.
"About 3 o'clock."
"Was there any light in the room
at the time?"
"No, sir. It was qnite dark."
"Could you see your husband at
your side?"
"No, sir."
"Then, madam," said the attorney
triumphantly, "please explain how
you could see the prisoner and could
not see your husband."
"My husband was at the club, sir."
—Philadelphia Call.
A MAN'S PERVERSITY.
"Did you mail that letter I gave
you?" asked Mrs. Junius,
Her husband hesitated.
"Well, there," Mrs. Junius cried,
raising her hands and eyes in the air,
"I always have thought that those ar
ticles iu the papers about husbands
not mailing letters for their wives
were just got up for jokes and were
put iu the papers every year because
all the jokes for that year had been
used once aud they had to begin all
over again but I do declare that here
is the very tirst letter I havo written
to uia Biuco wo were married I mean
of course since you and I were mar
ried and not ma which would be ab
sorb and it' you haven't gone and car
lied it around iu your pocket all the
week and I suppose worn it iuto shreds
if not lost it altogether and ma won
dering aud wondering what has be
come of us and why I don't write or
at least send her a postal card which I
suppose really we ought to do part of
the time and to save postage for we
have got to economize in starting out
else when we grow old and come to
die we won't have a cent to live on
aud now you horrid mau I suppose
I'll have to forgive you bnt hand me
back that letter instantly."
As Mrs. Junius with a lueky slide
reached second and the umpire pro
nounced her safe, Mr. Junius passed
out a letter.
"Why, that's not mine," exclaimed
his wife.
"No," returned Mr. Junius, "it's
from your mother. I mailed yours
the day you gave it to me."
And noticing that his wife was about
to make a dash for third he went out
in the shed after the kindlings, wink
ing to himself softly as he did BO.—
Rockland Tribune.