Sullivan republican. (Laporte, Pa.) 1883-1896, March 29, 1895, Image 1
SULLIVAN JSSKREPUBLICAN. W. M. CHENEY, Publisher. VOL. XIII. But ono per cent, of tho eutire pop ulation of this country has been di< vorced. A Minnesota judge has just ruled that a husband is responsible foi slanders uttered by his wife. Tho ninotoenth century will bo end ed with tho end of the year 1900, and aoi at its boginning, as a great many peoplo supposo. The year 1894 in tho United Statea closed with 9800 murders to its debit. "There are not 300 murderers on trial ii.this country at present," signifi cantly remarks tho Detroit Free Press. Lord Ooleridgo and others have formally protested against tho use of ncti-toxine in English hospitals on tho ground that "publio money ought not to bo devoted to experiments in physiology." A Texas judge has declared the anti scalper law unconstitutional. He says that when a railroad company sells a ticket it presumably gets all it is worth, and that a scalper has the same right that dealers in other second hand articles have. W. H. Hnrvey and his wife, Mrs. L. M. Harvey, of Pullman, 111., have been admitted to tho bar of Whitman County. Tho New York Sun shudders to think of what would.happen if they happened to bo retained on opposite sides in the samo case. It may bo fairly questioned, admits tho New York Recorder, whether tho army and navy of Japan are not now equal to those of several of the Euro pean powers, and whether the new Na tion on the Pacific isn't in a command ing position for futuro diplomatic vic tories. The Meade Couniy (Kentucky) Mes senger complains that there are many prominent farmers in that county who take no interest in politics. "Men who own hundreds of acres of land and who aro rated high in their com munities," says the Messenger, "can aW ♦«!] yon who aro the probable can didates on the State tioket." The number of desertions in the French army increases constantly. In a single week lately no fewer than five deserters arrived at Strasburg alone; while at the present time some six hundred French deserters live in Al sace-Lorraine. About the same num ber have taken up their residenoe in Belgium; and Switzerland boasts a still larger contingent. It will be remembered how the tor pedo boat, the Cushing, sneaked into Newport harbor in spito of the fact that a sharp lookout was kept for her ashore with them istance of big searoh-lights. The value of these lit tle destroyers is shown to the New York Sun in despatches from the seat of war in China. The destruction of the biggest ironclads in the Chinese navy seems to have been the result of audacious and successful dashes by these tiny craft. They can finish any thing afloat so long as they are not found out in time. The fish supply in Lake Ontario is substantially exhausted, and the Chi cago Herald announoes that the sup ply in Lake Erie is going rapidly. Fishermen have oaused the fish famine by selling for fertilising purposes the small fish caught in the nets with those of eatable size. The Ohio Leg islature is trying to devise a law for fish protection in Lake Erie, but such legislation praotioally would be use less unless similar laws were enaoted by other States bordering on the lake, and by Ontario. The maguifioent flsh preserves of the United States are not exhaustless, and, unless care is taken for their perpetuation the finny tribes in publio waters will follow the fate of the buffalo. An attractive feature of the Cotton States and International Exposition, to be held at Atlanta, Ga., next Sep tember, will be the reproduction of the World's Columbian Exposition in miniature by G. W. Ferris, the builder of the Ferris wheel. The great World's Fair will be reproduced in its en tirety, complete in every detail, on a scale of l-140th. This makes the Manufactures and Liberal Arts Build ing about ten feet long, and the whole exposition seventy-five feet long. Searohlights will be shown on the battleship and the various buildings, the intramural railway will be seen with oars in motion, tho whalebaQk steamer be seen arriving and de parting, and Lake Miohigan will ap pear in the distance. By electrical and meohanical effects, sunrise, day light, moonrise and the White City by moonlight will appear in succession. YOU NEVER CAN TELL. You can never tell when you sand a word-- Liko aa arrow shot from a bow By an archor blind—be it cruel or kind, Just whero it will chance to go. It may pierce the breast ot your dearest friend, Tipped with its poison or balm; To a stranger's heart in lifo's great mart It may carry its pain or its calm, you never can tell when you do an act Just what the result will be; But with ovory deed you are sowing a seed, Though its harvest you may not soe. Each kindly aot Is an aoorn droppod In God's productive soil; Though you may not know, yet the tree shall grow And shelter the brows that toll. You never can tell what your thoughts will do In bringing you hate or love; For thoughts are things, and their airy wings Are swifter than carrier doves. Thoy follow tho law of the universo— Eaoh thing must create its kind; And they speod o'er tho traok to bring you back Whatever went out from your mind. Ella Wheeler Wiloox, in Munsey. HE DKEW TEN THOUSAND. fT 3.45 on the af ternoon of March 6, 1887, the pay ing cashier of the bank, in the city of London, cashed a check for 810,000, drawn by the highly respected firm of Ployd, Qow & Co., oi Fenchnrch street, merchants. It was presented by the manager of the firm. At 3.55 the manager of Ployd, Qow & Co. handed in his books and checks amounting to $20,000. Tne paying cashier looked up as he heard his voice. Ho called some one to take his place and disappeared into the sec retary's room, aud withiu twelve min utes the police were at work on tho case. The check presented at 3.45 was a forgery and tho man who presented it Bomo "buminy," who had made himself up like Mr. Smith of Ployd, Qow & Co. 's. This was not a difficult task. The counterfeit mail was tho same height as the original aud about the same make. Smith had not spoken 100 words to tho cashier during the five years his firm had dealt with the bank. He always woro a blue sorgo offlco coat whatever the weather. He al ways woro a silk top hat, and it invar iably worked its way to tne back of his head before he had worn it three minutes. No one ever saw him at the bank without his gold-riiumed oyeglasses and his tightly rolled umbrella. Smith had a friendly nod for the patrons he knew in a business way, but he seldom spoko a single word to any one. Officers wore tent to every railway terminus; they searched tho hotels and very likely placo for a man to try to chango his clothes. It' the fellow had not some safe hiding place se lected in advance the chances were more than ten to one against his mak ing an escape. In room sof Cremane's private and commercial hotel, which I will admit was not a first-class establishment, but still good enough for a traveler earn ing 320 a week, I read most of the particulars given above in the even iug paper. Tho officials had done their bent to keep tho whole affair dark until some clue was gained, but the roporters had been too many for them. I had como in from my round of calls utterly tired out. Beaching my room, I pulled off my boots, lighted a pipe, sat down with my feet on the bed, and this bank business was the first thing which which caught my eye as 1 glanced over tho paper. I had just finished the article when the night portor came up. "Heard about the bank swindle?" he asked, as ho entered my room, without the preliminary trouble of tapping. "Jußt read it." "Cool chap, wasn't he? And, I say, there are a couple of detectives downstairs now. They say they've shadowod him here, aud they're go ing to search the whole place. They uro on tho floor below now, and will want to come in here in a minute." He had scarcely finished speaking when the mon appeared. I was a head shorter than Ployd's manager. I was thin, while he waa stout, and I was young, while he was middle aged. But those old sleuthhounds oame in on tiptoe, looked at me out of the cor ners of their eyes, and sat down on the edge of my two chairs to question me, the bigger of the two taking the precaution to place his seat between me and the door. It was fully a quar ter ot an hour before they had fin ished, and then they seemed to take it as a personal injury that I hadn't com mitted the crime. Before my visitors left one of them suggested with u wink to his comrade that I might as well bo taken along on general principles, as there was no telling what I would not own up to af ter a week in prison. But the other was not so evil minded. In fact, he took a fatherly interest in my welware and put his hand upon my shoulder pleasantly and compas sionately as he advised me it would be better to restore the money while thore was yet time. I refused to dis gorge, and he went out sorrowing, saying that I had missed a golden op portunity aud that I should like to re pent and wear a convict's suit. LAPORTE, PA., FRIDAY, MARCH 29. 1895. Tho hotel was thoroughly searched. Those men did their duty ; and I think would havo carried off every soul within the place as a suspicious char acter had not the manager interfered, and the detectives finally withdrew, with at least two pocketbooks crammed with notes. At 10 o'clock I was finishing my third pipe and had long before ex changed my paper for a novel. I was just getting sleepy when a queer thing happened. My bed was in ono corner of the room. I sat on a chair on the left hand side, with my feet across the middle. I had my book on a line with my eyes, and all had been quiet for the last half hour, when suddenly a voice exclaimed: "Well, old man, that must be an in teresting yarn." I bounded to my feet and—Sfcw no one. I looked around the room care fully, peering into every oorner—no one. I slipped toward tho door on tiptoe and opened it with a jerk and saw—no one. Then I turned, and there was a man standing on tho other side of my bed. He wasn't a ghost. lie was mado of blood, flesh and bones like myself. To say I was frightened is putting it mildly. I was scared. I sank right into a chair, with my mouth open and my eyes bulging out, until my visitor laughed outright. "Who are you?" I gasped, faintly. "Well, that's a fair question," he replied. "I supposo you've got a right to ask. For the last three hours, up to a minute ago, I was the man under the bed, and now I'm the man on the bed," and suiting the ac tion to word he lay himself out at full length. He was a 000l hand. I knew human nature well enough to know he had plenty of nerve behind his check. "It wasn't all put on. As he lay there I notioed a revolver in his hand. Then I began to understand. The evening paper had given a por trait of Smith, and I saw this was his double. It dawned ou me all of a sudden that he was the identical chap. "You were under the bed when I came in?" I queried, as we sat looking at each other, and I was wondering how to reach the bell. "Exactly," he replied. "And you heard what tho portor said and tho detectives?" "Every word." "And, to como to tho point, you're the man they want." "I am." "How the dickens did you get here?" "I didn't chooso this abode for its comfort," ho said, "nor for its com pany. I had other plans, in fact. But they misoarried. I dodged into this hotel in searoh of a toinporary asylum, and it looks as I had found a lunatio asylum. Did you ever see 810,000 in one pile? It's a refreshing eight. See here." Ho watched me with piercing eyes, and though he was toying with his re volver carelessly enough I saw he had his finger on the trigger all tho time. He bent over from tho bed ond picked up a bundle oi notes from the floor. "This means a visit to the tailor's, quail on toast with champagne, a long trip to America or tho Continent," and he fondly patted tho money. "So they've got an aocount in the papers, have they? I'd like to read it. Thanks." He skimmed through tho artiole with evident enjoyment, now and then chuckling to himself. The ho said: "Pretty close shave, that. I'm sorry for the caßhior, but supposo he will wriggle out of tho responsibility somehow. Exouse my asking tho question, but what do you do for a living ?" "I'm a traveler in calicoes." "Married?" "No." "Ever been abroad?" "No." "Look here,oldchappie,"he went on with easy familiarity, as he stretched himself on tho bed, "you're giving mo shelter and I'll do you a tain. Hand in your resignation and come with me. It will do you good and, open your eyes. This little pile will do us first class for a year - " •'l'll see you hanged first, you cheeky villain," I shouted. "I'm not making tours with bank thieves and jailbirds. Your trip will ond in pris on, if it Ooesn't start there." "Too peppery, altogether too pep pery for the head traveler to a respec table firm," ho quietly observed. "And do you think I'll be arrested, as jou know so much about it?" "Certainly. I'm going to take you down stairs and hand you over to the police." "That's a lio," he said, as he swung his feet off the bed and stood up. "I don't blame you for refusing a trip to America, but pleaso don't make an idot of yourself in other ways." "How do you mean?" I asked, also getting up and trying to keep my head. "Just look at things straight and you'll see. I'm no ohickeu. Having played for a big stake and won it, I am not likely to let myself bo balked by a kid like you. I'm armed, as you see. You're not, so keep your back hair ou. Even without arms I oould do for you, being the larger of the two." "You cold-blooded scoundrel," I muttered. "No, don't oill names. It's low," ho said, pleasantly. "Let's consider what is your path of duty. I've got the best of the bank. And how many people have the bank got the best of before? Last year over twenty banks closed their doors in tho face of de positors. Every failure was brought about by some kind of fraud. And don't flatter yourself that you owe a duty to the public. Tho public would let you starve or freeze and not move a finger. You owe a duty to your self. It is to take change of air. And now's your ohanco. . Preserve tho present state of your health, that's my advice, and very good advioe, too." "All of which means," I interpased, "that you will shoot me if I give the alarm ?" "Precisoly." "Then I shan't do eo.'" "I thought as much." He climbed again onto the bed and continued: "I thought I was right when I sized you up. We have now come to an understanding. I've got ono or two favors to ask, but I won't keep you long, and I see you want to goto bed. Ah, thero are your sois sors. I must sacrifice my mustache. Please sit over by the window." He laid his revolver on the dressing table and cut off his fine chestnut mustache. I sat watching him and wondered if I had gone out of my mind, or if, perchance, I was dream ing." 'Ton shave yourself, don't yon?" ho finally askod, as he turned round and faced me. I pointed to my razor and strap, and in barely another moment he stood before me clean shaven. He had sandy hair, while his eye brows were almost red. There was a bottle of black ink on tho table. He dipped hiß handkerchief into it and painted his eyebrows. With tho same fluid he made as neat a black eye as any prize fighter would care to boast, and he was chuckling as he turned to me: "Just one thing more, old man—a suit of clothos. I must get off this blue serge. Perhaps it will fit you. Your oldest suit, please. I will pay cash for it." I handed over a much worn suit. "Rather a tight fit, but it will do," he said. "Here's 825 for it." "I don't want your dirty money," I said, savagely. "Don't be finicky, it's silly. Now, then, to wrap up the money in a news paper, and then I'm off. Look here, my boy, take this 8500; it will make up for any little inconveniences I have caused yon." "I'd starve first." "Oh, como now, you're too good for this world. What are you going to do when I leave the room?" "Kick myself for an ass and then go to bed most likely." "Goto bed without the kicking part. You are a very sensible young man, you may take my word for it. If I'm arrested I'll say nothing about what happened hero. Ta, ta." He reached tho doorway and thon ho turned. "Hero's a present for you," he sang out and threw his re volver on the bed. "Its no use to me, I lost my cartridges getting here. Adieu," and he was gone. I locked the door and sat down. After a quarter of an hour I slipped into bed. The next morning I awoke with a fearful headache. 1 went to my dressing table, apd there, rolled up in a neat parcel, was tho 8500. Did tho man get away? Yes; he walked downstairs and out into tho streets, and the detectives never got a clew of him after that night. About tho money. I returned it to the bank by post, and that part of the business is still worrying the detec tives. I could tell them a thing or two, but I won't. —Boston Post. A Wonderful Stone Saw. A newly devised stone saw that has been putin operation in West Phila delphia is demonstrating extraordinary cutting powers as compared with former processes. It is the invention of an expert stone mason and carver. By tests made with tho saw, using a chilled-iron shot abrader and cutting through tho hardest of all brown stone, known as tho Hummellstown, using a block of stone ten feet by six inches long aud two feet two inches in thickness, tho following results were attained: Tho first cut through was made in one and three-quarters hours, the second, with increased feed, in one hour, and tho third cut, with the full limit of speed, in three-quarters of an hour, which is equal to cutting thirty-three inehes per hour. Four inches per hour has boon considered good work in the ordinary mills of the country with other saws. Thin slabs are also out, leaving no ridges on the face of tho pieces after cutting, although the saw passed through various veins of flint. In the improved saw .is used a lineal or horizontal motion, while in other saws the pendulum motion has been depended on. Further, the im proved has a thinner blade, with thicker teeth, which allows the abrad ing material to fall down botwoen the teeth to the bottom of the kerf.— Philadelphia Ledger. He Killed Superstition. The Count de Lesseps never seemed to lose sight of the oducation of his children, even in the smallest detail. One morning at breakfast a beautiful Dresden teacup was broken. "Ah!" cried the Countess, "a disaster! Two more of that set will now be broken. It always happens so." "Are you so suporstitious," asked the Count, "an really to believe that two more will be broken?" "I know it." "Then let us get it off our minds." And, taking up two of the cups by the handles, he dashed them together. The anger and dismay of the Countess proved con clusively that she had not seriously held to her superstition. It also loosened any hold the absurd idea may have had on the minds of the children.—New York Recorder. Lucky For Her. Concealed in candle moulds that had been unused since her grand mother's time, Mrs. White, of Middle town, Mass., found a quantity of bank notes a few days ago.—New Yurie Journal. i SUICIDAL POLICY. TIIK SOUTII HAS CUT OFF ITS NOSE TO SPITE ITS FACE. Cheap Foreign Wool Now Used In the North us a Substitute For Cot ton— Sugar Can Save the Plant ers—Ell Perkins In the South. I have visited several old sugar plan tations in Florida during the lost week. The great freeze which dropped the mercury twenty degrees bolow freezing point from Palatka to St. Augustino has frozen a third of the orange orop and killed all tho old trees. The calamity brings sadness to all Florida. When I asked Judge Hunt, of Palntka, how. ho felt about it ho naid : * "This frost has been a calamity to our State, but it stops with tho orango groves. Overproduction was killing the orange industry and provi dence has como to our rescue. But there is another overproduction in the South in a worse condition than the orange crop." "What is that?" I asked. "It is cotton, sir. Our farmers are now getting 3i and four cent a pound for what we used to get ten cents for, and it is going lower every day. Whon I think how foolish we Southerners have acted it makes me sick. We hail the clianee to save ourselves offeree us and we threw it away. We are now convinced of our own foolishness." "Well, what havo you done?" ] asked. "We could not have done worso," said tho Judge. "We know now that choap wool is a substitute for cotton. That is, cheap cotton was substituted for wool, but now cheap wool is a substitute all over the North for cot ton. Cheap Thibet, Asiatic and Aus tralian wool used to cost from sixteen to twenty-five cents. We Southerners thought it was smart to stab the wool farmers and take tho ten cent tariffofl of wool. Wo did it and now that same wool is being sold to Northern knit shirt and cloth factories for from six to iifteen cents. With six-cent wool tho mills are throwing back our cot ton. Who would not give two cents n pound more for woolen shirts or cloth than for the same things mado of cot ton?" "How much cotton will this throw out of the market?" I asked. "A million bales, sir. A friend of mine who has been in the New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts mills writes mo that 'cheap foreign wool is hurting the South more than the North. It will reduce the demand for cotton a millionbales,' he says, 'and send the price of cotton down to 3$ cents to our cotton farmers.' Then see what idiots wo havo been on the sugar question !" "What have you done?" I asked. "Why, we Southern men voted solidly against the bounty on sugar. Sugar was growing prodigiously in Florida, Southern Alabama, Louisi ana and Texas. It was spreading all along the Gulf of Mexico from Lake Charles to Corpus Christi. It was going up the Brazos. In five years, with tho bounty which Germany kept on till she now makes sixty million dollars' worth of sugar annually—l say iu five years this sugar would have taken 2,000,000 balos of cotton out of our way and put $50,000,000 worth of sugur in its place. Think of it, wo Southeri"'r.» havo cut off tho demand for cotton a million bales iu the North anil increased our product 2,000,000 bales in the South. "What made you do it?" I asked. "Oh, politics. Dog-on silly, idi otic politics. Wo thought we must back the Democratic party, and now they've swamped themselves in the North and made paupers of us in the South." "And what do you propose to do?" . "Why, let us put that wool tarifl back aud let our chenp cotton take tho place of Asiatic wool, and then put that sugar bounty ou again and eend sugar into the cotton fields. Editorials in the papers and prayers in the churches won't save us now. We must quit politics and use our brains!" En PERKINS, Avenues That Arc Open. Free traders, as a proof of tho ben eficial effects of the Walker tariff of 1846, are accustomed to speak ol the number of miles of railroad built dur ing the years from 1846 to 1860. They tell us it was the time of tlfe opening up of the great West. They might aa well say that the discovery of gold in California was the result of the Walker tariff. Those very things which they cite—viz., the building of many miles of railroad and the open ing up of the West —show the reason why the panic was delayed until 1857 instead of following on the heels of tariff reform, as did the panio of 1893. In the years following the Walker tariff, men who were thrown out of employment went into the unde veloped West as miners or as pioneers; they found work in the construction of railroads. While these avenues of employment wore open the panio was warded off. In these present days of tariff reform our workingmen have no suoh refuge, but tramp our streets searching for work. These have been the only avenues recently open to thein. Know It Now in London. It is now apparent to tho country at large that the Democratic Adminis tration at Washington is merely bung ling through an attempt at govern ment, and that oharaoter and brains are thoroughly lacking, as well as proper appreciation of public sonti meut. Tiie true hypocrisy of this Ad mistratiou threatens now to bo fnlly exposed duriug tho last two years of it< curious existence. Horucastle's (London) Monthly Ciroular. Termß--••1.00 in Advance ; 51.25 after Three Months. FARMERS AS BOOKKEEPERS. Must. Attend Commercial Colleges to Supply Income Tax Information. While tho American farmer is busily engaged in making a statement of the valuation of his property and his stock, so as to bo ready for tho incomo tax collector, who is as necessary an evil in this country under tho policy of free trade as he is in England, it may console tho American farmer to learn that his brother farmer in Eng land has been receiving a little gift in tho shape of a revised circular con cerning the incomo tax in that coun try. There tho tax is payable on January 1, a sort of New Year's gift which the farmer is compelled to disgorge as his tribute toward free trade. There the farmer has the option of being taxed at a rate of six cents in the pound upon the actual value—that is, tho rental value—of his land, although he may decida to bo taxed as an ordinary trader upon his average profits during three preceding years. In the latter case an examination of his accounts during that period is necessary, so as to show the farmer's exact position. During his leisuro moments tho farmer here, as well as in England, should take a course in bookkeeping, if he is not alreidy an expert in that necessary branch of busiuess. Wo are not aware of tho exact form in which the farmers must mako their returns in this country, but in England a blank balance sheet is prepared and distributed for tho farmers to fill out, requiring many items and particulars which the average farmer could only furnish as an estimato, and many others which it would be impossible for him to furnish unless ho were an expert bookkeeper. Should the farmer desiro to appeal against the amount of his taxation, the timo wherein he can appeal or lodge a claim for tho repayment of a portion of his tax is very limited. The tax collector, however, is allowed at least six months wherein to consider such claims and make repayments, so that if the farmer bo compelled to pay un justly any amount in excess of what tho law properly demands, he may mako up his mind that fully a year will elauso before he secures any re fund. These aro a few of the incidents of an income tax, which is and must be always a necessity and part of a policy of free trade. Carlisle In 1892. Carlisle in 1895. Their " Vantage Ground." Both Fresident Cleveland and Mr. Wilson have described tho present Democratic tariff as merely a "van tage ground" from which to wage furth er attacks upon the protective sys tem, aud they pledged themselves to continue to "shell the camp of monop oly" the moment that Congress reas sembled. "Shelling the camp of monopoly," in Democratic phraseol ogy, means closing the workshops and factories —in brief, to wage war upon the industrial and agricultural pur suits that are the bedrook of the coun try's wealth and welfare. A Stormy Tyip. Couldn't Stomach It. The leaveu (of tarif reform) didn't have timo to work and soured on the stomachs ol the people.—Birmingham (Ala.) Age-Herald. That's so, and thoy spewed it up at once. It was too nauseous to digest and it will never again be tasted. NO. 25. THE DRAMA OF THE ROSE. * Once I was white as any sn«>w that fulls From the fur skies, with storm and suu light blended; Until that day when stood a hero splen did Before the Hon in the ltoman stalls. Then, when the beast's loud roaring shoo! the walls And cheer on cheer in thunder tones as fended, A woman's hand, all white and undo fended, Plucked mo and cast me fr m their coro nals. He caught me—kissed me—held me to hif heart; A momentary glitter in the air— A roar of voices! * * * Well he played hi? part! And I—prono with him, but vigorouf there, Caught on my petals, scented by the south. The red rain dripping from the lion's mouth —Frank M. Stanton, in Atlanta Constitution HUMOR OF THE DAY. No man ever traveled to fame on a pass. When a man is bis own enemy he can't help winning tho light.—Ptiok. "There goes an old flame of mine!" as the sun said when the comet camo into perihelion.—Puck. Dentist —"What are the last teetb that come?" Brilliant Student— "False teeth, I guess."—Life. Example is stronger than precept; but precept is expected to do a gieat deal of example's work—Pack. His love, he said, was like the sea. Tho maiden nnswored quick She thought that he was right in that Because it miwle hor sick. —Life. Of courso wo don't know what it » to pass a night iu the tomb, but we have slept iu a spare beilroom. -Atchi son Globe. "So Mr. Onedge is averse to musio?" "I should say so. He won't even use rubber bands in his office."—-New York Mercury. "I see you have a glass eye, Pat. "Yes, yer'aniK r ; but it's a swindle, sir. I can't see nuthin' out ol it." - New York Mercury. We often hear men complaining of their hopes being dissipated, and as a rule that's just what ails tho complain ant.— Richmond Dispatch. "When will man be able to fly?" in quires an exchange. Just as soon as he has been a trusted bank cashier for eight or ten years.—Troy Press. This world would be a happy world And men would all bo brothers, If people did themselves one-half That they expect of others. —Boston Courior. Mr. Smith is an estimable and ami ablo but harmless gentleman who during his lifetime lias starved his brains to feed his whiskers.—Syracuse Courier. Mrs. Bacon—"lt is terrible down nt your boarding house. You can nevei get any hot water." Mr. Bacon "Only wo have soup, my dear."— Statesman. A clergyman named Fiddle refused to accept tho title of D. D., because, as he said, ho didn't want to be called tho Bev. Ichabo Fiddle, D. D."—New York Mercury. "How could you conscientiously toll Miss Elder that sho is tho only woman you ever loved?" "It is a faot. Com "pared to her, the others wero mere girls."—Boston Budget. Bagley—"That pawnbroker bowed to your wife; does he know hor?' Brace—"l presume he feels that he does; he has seen her picture so often inside tho case of my watch." Blinks (meditatively)—" What a greedy world this is; the great ma jority of people, always after money." Hardup (sadly)—" Yes; and a long way after it, too.Buffalo Courier. "Your new servant girl is very pious, I hear?" "Yes. If she was as careful about tho crookery as she is about the ten commandments she would be a jewel."—New York Press. "So Rusher has got a job at last, eh? I wonder is it that one with the sleeping car company?" "I guess not. At least he told me he'd struck a comfortable berth."—Buffalo Courier. Primus—"Dalton'ssight has become strangely affected, poor fellow. He sees everything double." Secondus— "By Jovel I'm glad you mentioned it. I owe him a pound, and I'll tender him this half sov."—Tit-Bits. "Dear me," said Mr. Meekins, "it seems so absurd for men to be con stantly talking about their wives having the last word. I never object to my wife having tho last word." "You don't?" "Not a bit. 1 always feel thankful when she gets to it." An Irishman recently applied for an enlistment in a United States army re cruiting office. "Do you know any thing about drilling?" asked the offi cer. "Oi do," answered Pat. "It's twelve an' a half cints a yard at anny av th' dry goods shtore*." -London Globe. I Kate—"l want, to tell-Aunt Susan about my engagement, but I don't know whether I can trust her or not. I don't want it to get out just yet." Edith- "Trust her? Of course you can't. You know she makes no secret of her age, and a woman who will tell her age will t«ll anything."—Bostou Transcript. The Reprehensible Small Boy. There are somo smart boys in Mas< sachusetts. The Massachusetts school law does not permit the schools to be kept unless the thermometer registers above forty-flve degrees in the school room. Under this law one school in Worcester has had many half holidays. Finally the teacher disoovered a six year-old boy pocking the thermometer with snow below the bulb.--New Haven Journal and Courier.