THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE
STORIES THAT ARB TOLD BT THE
FUNNY SEEN OF THE PRESS.
Slto and Dreams—Quite Reasonable—
Very Likely—Elementary Instruc
tions in Cookery, Ktc., Kto.
She situ ami dreams of knights of old
(Her mother at the washing scrubs).
Of maidens fair with lovers bold.
And longs for one with wealth untold
Whose arms her fragil form might fold.
Ami prove the princeliest of hubs;
She sits and dreams of knights of old
(Her mother at the washtufa scrubs).
—Neui York Herald.
ENCOURAGEMENT.
He— 41 I—l have called to-night to
ask—to ask you for your hand."
She—"Well (silence while the clock
ticks), why don't you?"— Judy.
QUITE REASONABLE.
"He escaped with his life, I under
stand."
•'Yes; he couldn't very well have es
caped without it."— Washington Star.
A SLUR.
"She doesn't claim to be a bud, does
she?"
"Why, crxtainlyl"
"What kind—century plant?"—
Judge,
VERY LIKELY.
"Death loves a shining mark," said
the minister.
"1 guess that's why grandpa wears a
wig," suggested Johnnie.— New York
Herald.
OF TIIE SAME ON NION.
Daughter—"Father, Mr. Hendricks is
a very bright young man."
Father—"He must be. I notice you
never have a light in the parlor the night
lie calls."— Jury.
ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTIONS IN COOKERY.
Young Lady "And now, Jane,
what's the next thing to do after put
ting the meat and potatoes in the stew
pan?"
Village Girl—"Please, miss, wash the
baby."— Punch.
TIIF.Y'UE RIGHT.
Young Siribuler—"l always give the
Qratsvale Journal the refusal of what I
write, you know."
Unsympathizing Auditor—"And they
always exercise that privilege, Scribuler."
—Yankeo Blade.
SHE DOESN'T WANT IT.
Miss Amiable—"That's Miss Hastings.
She isn't pretty, but her face grows on 1
you, I think."
Miss Sharptongue—"Does it? Well,
I should bo very sorry for it to grow on
me."— Yankee Blade.
VERY STRIKING.
"You spent five years in New York,
Lord Noodlcby?"
"Ya-as."
"And what struck you most foicibly
in our country?"
"My creditahs."— Judge.
A BLACK SPEEP.
Brown (speaking of Badleigh, who
has not led au exemplary life) —"But
Badleigh has a bright future before
him."
Fogg—"Bright? Emphatically; I
should say lurid."— Boston Transcript.
IT WAS A COLD.
Miss Sharpe—"Oh, how do you do,
Jlr. Sissy? You are not looking very
well."
Mr. Sissy—"No, Miss Sharpe; I have
a cold or something in me head."
Miss S. (calmly)—"l think it must be
a cold, Mr. Sissy."— Continent.
COULDN'T HELP HERSELF.
Watts—"So she refused you, did she?"
Dumley—"Yes; said she wouldn't
even be a sister to me. That made me
mad, and now she's got to be one to me."
Watts—"How is that?"
Dumley—"l proposed to her sister
and was accepted."— Boston Herald.
WISE OLD PATER.
Cleverton —"Have you any idea how
much that dress cost that Miss Swans
down had on last night?"
Dashaway—"Yes; $125."
Cleverton—"How did you come to
know?"
Dashaway (sorrowfully)—" Her father
took pains to toll me tho other day."—
Cloak Ilcvieio.
NOT THE SAME KIND.
"Marie, what arc those things on that
tree?"
"They're blossoms."
"Oh, does tho tree drink?"
"No, of course not. What put that m
yonr head?"
"Why, I heard grandma tell mamma
that drinking was putting a beautiful
blossom on papa."— Judge.
DISENCHANTED.
"A great disappointment has fallen on
Fickleby."
"How's that?"
"Before he was married he thought
his wife was an angel."
"Yes?"
"Well, since tlicu. he has found out
that she not only is not, but is in no
hurry to become one."— Boston Tran
script.
IN THE WRONG LINE.
Enfant Terrible(intently watching Mrs.
Scareall, a newly arrived guest, who is
unpacking her trunk) —"Well,l don't sec
as you've brought any rope at all. "
Mrs. Scareall—"Any rope, my dear?
Did you want rne to bring a rope?"
Enfunt Terrible-" Yes;l've been stand
ing here all this while to see the horrible
things that Aunt Jane told mamma you'd
be sure to bring in the clothes line."—
Barker'* Bator.
IMMATERIAL.
"OIJ, you—you —infamous—what shall
I call you?" exclaimed the enraged
kitchen lady.
"Call me wot you please, ma'am," re
plied the imperturbable milkman, whoso
horse had stamped and spattered muddy
water all over her. "Call me wot you
please," he repeated, cordially, as he
gathered up his lines and drove off.
"Th* hain't no rule fur tho pernunci
ation of proper names."— Chicago Tri
bune.
PAYING OFF TNE GROCER.
Doctor Barrowby was canvassing for
the post of one of the physicians to
Bartholomew's Hospital. With a view
to obtaining tho vote of a certain iuflu
ential grocer, he called upon him, and
found him bursting with importance as
he strutted up and down his shop. With
a mixture of insolent patronage and in
sulting familiarity, he slowly approached
the Doctor, and said:
"Well, my friend, what is your busi
ness?"
Barrowby paused, looked him straight
in the face, and said:
"I want a pouud of plums."
Greatly confused, the grocer put up
tho plums, whereupon tho Doctor put
them in his pocket and marched off
without asking him for his vote. — Tid
Bits.
CUTTING IT CLOSE.
A man was selling flowers at the cor
ner of Broadway and Canal street tho
other day when a married couple came
along and stopped a moment to admire
tho roses.
"Will zc laidec haf a bootiful bokay
for ouly ten cents?" asked the dealer.
"I'd like one very much," she replied.
"Well zc bootiful laidce won't get
one!" bluntly added 'the husbaud.
"When a feller has come to New Yorlc
and bought a wagon load of gimcracks
for 'leven children, a present for tho
schoolma'am and a jackknife for the
hired man, aud won't have but two cents
left after buying tickets for home, his
bootiful laidee has got to be satisfied
with snuffing at the weeds along the
railroad track. Come along, Nancy '"—
Ncio York World.
A UNIQUE WELCOME.
While General Grant was President ho
visited Maine, accompanied by several
members of his Cabinet, to formally open
the then American and European Hail
road, running from Bangor to the New
Brunswick line.
Bangor has never been honored by tho
presencs of a "first citizen" before, and
the city was dressed in gala garb to re
ceive him. It so happens that the most
imposing structure in the city is the jail,
1 and it has extensive grounds and shade
trees around it.
When the procession from the railroad
station had reached tho grounds the
General's attention was called to tho
crowning feature of the dccoratious. A
large floral arch had been constructed at
the entrance bearing the inscription:
"Welcome."
"Ah," said the General, much pleased,
"what public building is that?"
"The jail," replied a member of the
committee, and then for the first time
tho blunder of it dawned upon them.—
New York Herald.
Strange Tilings From tho Clouds.
A phenomenon which probably has no
parallel on record was observed in Buf
falo, N. Y., the other day. At 10:30
A. M. Park Policeman Edward Fitz-
Gibbon was standing near the Front
House when, as he at first supposed,
heavy drops of rain began falling, lie
noticed that they fell with unusual forco
upon his hat and clothes, and upon ex
amination he discovered that instead of
rain a shower of small shot was falling
from the clouds. Joseph C. Green, an
other park policeman, uoticed the strange
phenomenon, and these men, together
with Mrs. Buchannan, her sister and
others, were all witnesses of the leaden
shower. The shower lasted for over an
hour, and the people in the neighbor
hood caught the shot in hats and aprons.
Heporters visited the place next day and
gathered a quantity of the leaden rain.
During a thunderstorm the same eve
ning live turtles, some of them as large
as a man's hand,fell on the farm of Adam
Walker, in Coal Creek township, Ind.
No trees were near and they must have
dropped from the clouds. Chicago
Uerald.
Useless Biggin?.
Two of the strongest advocates of re
taining sail power on vessels of the new
navy as auxiliary to steam have bee.i
Admiral Walker and Chief Constructor
Wilson. Both have materially altered
their views since observing the experience
of the Chicago while on the squadron of
evolution. Admiral Walker found that
her sails were of no use whatever, except
to steady her in a heavy wind, and for
this purpose fore and aft rig would be
sufficient. The Admiral is of the opinion
that sail power on twin-screw vessels is
simply a useless encumbrance, as the sails
are practically never used, and the rig
ging only furnishes additional resistance
to air, aud is so much additional dead
weight to be carried. The only twin
screw vessels of the new navy with square
rigging arc the Chicago and the New
ark, and it will probably not be long be
fore all their rigging comes down except
the low masts, with tho military tops,
and a simple fore-and-aft rig.— Picayune.
How to Clean a Plaster Cast.
A correspondent of a leading scientific
journal states that a bust or statute can
be most thoroughly cleaned, provided it
has not been painted, oiled or waxed, by
inverting it and filling it with water free
from iron. The water is then allowed to
filter through the plaster. After tho
filtering has been kept up for a sufficient
time, and the outside surface occasionally
washed with water and a solt brush, the
plaster is allowed to dry. It is then
found that all the dust has been washed
out of the pores of the cast, which is
thus restored to its original whiteness.—
New York Commercial Advertiser,
NEWS AND NOTES FOB WOMEN.
Sleeves are very long.
Loose-fitting gloves are the latest.
Many chamois gauntlet gloves are sold
to travelers.
Copper bronze is to be the fashionable
g'tittde of hair this season.
Artificial birds for trimming hats and
dresses are made to cater to peoplo who
are so very humane.
For ladies in mourning, the black
enameled bracelet with a pansy having a
diamond centre in front, has found favor.
Women are now allowed to become
notaries public in New Jersey in accor
dance with the privilege granted by the
Senate.
Children's hats have no wire, no fac
ing, no binding, nothing but a half
wreath of flowers, a crown lining and a
rubber.
Queen Victoria of EngThnd delights in
water color sketching and playing ducts
with her favorite daughter, Princess
Beatrice.
A wide field for selection is afforded in
table cutlery, which is ROW furnished
with handles of china, ivory, pearl,
silver, stag, etc.
Ribbons to hold fans arc fastened to
the shoulders with a bow, and are long
enough to fall nearly to the ground, the
fan being carried in the hand.
The first woman honored with equal
position and pay with men professors is
Ilarrict Cook, of Cornell, who holds tho
chair of history in that university.
For dress lining there is no better ma
terial than linen. It is cheap and durable,
does not cling or split and inakos a bet
ter foundation for a skirt than silk.
Tho gentle wife of the Crown Prince
of England is fond of flno needlework,
dressmaking, playing the zithern, pho
tography, and has a piotty talent for oil
painting. \
A woman was recently sumfuvmp! as a
juror in St. Louis. She took the mnHer
philosophically and nttended court, 01117
to receive the apologies of all conccrnod
in tho blunder.
Last October nine women were ap
pointed station agents on the elevated
railways of Brooklyn, N. Y. They have
been so successful that the maifagement
will appoint more.
Mrß. Peinberton-llincks, of New Or
leans, is at present the prima donna most
the "rage"' in London society. She is a
Creole of remarkable beauty, as well as
the fortunate possessor of u magnificent
voice.
Tho most fashionable garment of the
season is the long cape or "cnmail," per
fectly square at the bottom, reaching
considerably below the waist, high on
the shoulders, and studded with jot
cabuchons.
It is but a few years since sewing was
introduced into the Philadelphia public
schools, but in that time great progress
has been made, and already hundreds of
girls, besides the usual accomplishments,
are qualified to cut and make garments
for themselves, so that they are practical'
dressmakers.
The hangings of Mrs. Andrew Car
negie drawing-room, in New York City,
are old rose with gold. The hardwood
floor is nearly covered with Persian rugs.
The mantle is of onyx and gold with an
onyx-tiled hearth. A beautiful Dresden
vase has a niche all to itself between the
front windows.
Frankfort, Germany, has a remarkable
Miti-matnmonial ladies' club. Ladies of
between twenty and forty years of ago
are alone admissible, and upon election,
with an annual subscription of $5. they
take a vow never to marry. Every
member must attire herself in funer-.-»l
black and forswear novels.
Countess Avmcry do la llochcfou
cauld, of France, is said to be the most
beautiful womer of this century. Het
profile is strikingly like that of Marie
Antoinette, and her hair is of the real
shade possessed By the martyr queen.
Mrs. Marianne Stokes, the clever Eng
lish artist, is said to have begun paint
ing when hardly more than an infant,
and if she was ever without a pencil or a
box of paints she would squeeze flowers
on a sheet of paper until they gave up
their colors.
Somo of the well-connected nursegirls
who frequent Central Park, New York
City, wear smart little kangaroo bags
slung over she left shoulder, a la tourist,
containing a flask of sweet milk and a
supply of Graham crackers for the tod
dler's lunch.
The London "lady florists," Mrs. Ar
thur Wellcslcy and Mrs. Herbert Smith,
were employed to decorate Lord Bea
cousficld's statue for the celebration of
the founding of tho Primrose League.
The decorations were said to be particu
larly successful.
A daughter of Congressman Breckin
ridge, of Kentucky, u»>ing graduated
with honors at Wellesley several years
ago, has now taken up the study of law
in her father's office, having in the
meantime taught geometry and algebra
in a Washington school.
Annie Louise Carey, at one time con
sidered among the greatest of coitraltos,
is a large blonde woman in -whose hand
some countenance beams the benevoleneo
of her heart. Domestic affairs and char
ity work now engage the greater >»hare of
her daily time and attention.
A Good Appetite
There Is nothing for which wo it-commend Hood's
Barsaparilla with greater confidence than for low ot
appetite, Indigestion, sick headache and other troti*
bles of dyspeptic nature. In tho most natural way
this medicine gently tones tho stomach, and make*
one feel *Teal hungry.*'
bad lea in Dellcnte Health, or very dainty
and particular at meal*, after takiug Hood's Sr\ra>
parllla a few days, find themselves longing for and
eat In* the plainest food with unexpected relish and
satlufaetiuu. Try it.
Hood's Sarsapai'MM
60M by all druggist*. #1: six for Prepare ! >i;r
by C. I. HOOD Jt CO., Lowell. Mau.
100 Doses One Dollar
Growing; Lettnce by Electric Light. |
, It is now believed that where it is
profitable to grow lettuce under glass for
market, the electric light can be profit
ably used. Wm. Hawson, of Arlington,
Mass., has experimented for one season
ntld feels encouraged to g.i en with it.
The Worcester Co. (Mass.) Horticultural
Society has published an account of what
Mr. Rawson did. One house for forciug ■
lettuce, 200 feet by twenty-four, was i
given in charge of one arc light, active I
till midnight, at a cost of 815 per month.
The crop was advanced in time twenty
per cent. One week's advance in five, j
is a great gain to the market man.
When the electric light was brought to
some perfection, much WHS hoped for it
as an aid in the artificial culture of
plants. Dr. Sicilian's experiments indi
cated some good results, but no attempts
have be en made to apply the principle to
profitable uses. It seems to bo conceded
that plautH can proceed with those 1
changes necessary to healthy plant ;
growth to a great degree under electric !
light, though not nearly to the extent |
they can under sunlight; but the open 1
question is, will they do this to an extent ,
to make its use profitable to the culti- |
vator.— New York Independent.
How Birds Learn to Sins?.
A wren built her nest in a box on a
New Jersey farm. The occupants of tho
farmhouse saw the mother teaching her j
young to sing. She satin frout of tliem j
and sung her whole song very distinctly.
One of her young attempted to imitate j
her. After proceeding through a few j
notes its voice broke and it lost tho tune.
The mother recommenced where tho
young one had failed, and went very
distinctly through with the remainder.
The young bird made a second attempt,
commencing where it bad ceased before,
and continuing the song as long us it i
was able, and when the notes were again |
lost, the mother begun again where it ;
had stopped and completed it. Then
the young one resumed the tune and fin
ished it. This done, the mother sang
over the whole series of notes the second
time with great precision, aud again a
>«ung one attempted to follow her. The
wren pursued the same course with this ;
one as \\«4th the first, and so with the
third and 'ourth, until each of the birds
became a per'ect songster. — Musical Mcs
ienyer.
About 155,000,00P pounds of dynamite
arc manufactured per \L 'r in this coun
try, having an aggregate ;u:irket value
of about *4,500,000. The live hundred
trorkmen employed in this industry re
eivc a total of about $340,000. \
llrazil lias increased imposts five por
ceut.
DrnCiU'HR Can't In- Cured
Hy local applications,as they cannot reach the
ilisciiM'd portion of the ear. There In only one
«vay to < urtMluafuesH, nnd that is hy constitu
tional remedies. Deafness is caused by an iu
llnmcd condition of the mucous lining of the
Eustachian Tube. When this tube Kets in-
Hnined you have a rumbling sound or imper
fect hcHriuK, and when it is entirely closed,
deafness is the result, und unless the' inflam
mation can Irj taken out and this tube re
stored to lis normal condition, hearing will In/
destroyed forever; nine cases out of ten are
caused by catarrh, which is nothing hut an in
flamed condition of the mucous surfaces.
We will uive One Hundred Dollars for any
ease of deafness (caused by catarrhMhat we
cannot cure by taking Hall's Cutarrh C'uro.
Send for circulars, free.
F. J. CHKNEY & Co.. Toledo. O.
Sold hy ,."M\
TUB longest bridge in the world is the Lion
bridge, Sungang, China.
If afflicted with sore eyes use Dr.lsaac Thomp
son's Eye-water.Druggists sell at ~'.V. p* r bottle
ONE ENJOYS
Both the method and results when
Syrup of Figs is taken; it is pleasant
and refreshing to the taste, and act*
gently yet promptly on the Kidneys,
Liver and Bowels, cleanses the sys
tem effectually, dispels coids, beao
aches and fevers nnd cures habitual
constipation. Byrup of Figs is .he
only remedy of its kind ever pro
duced, pleasing to the taste and ao»
ceptable to the stomach, prompt in
its action and truly beneficial ID its
effects, prepared only from the most
healthy and agreeable substances,
its many excellent qualities com
mend it to all and have made it
the most popular remedy known
Syrup or Figs is for sale in 500
and 81 bottles by all leading drug*
gists. Any reliable druggist who
may not have it on hand will pro
cure it promptly for any one wbo
wishes to try it Do not accept
any substitute.
CALIFORNIA FIG SYRUP CO.
SAN FRANCISCO. CAL.
UmVtLIE, KY HEW YORK. ft. P.
NY N U—WI
mm m ABOUT Kami Ten ne FINK
it | ■ CLIMATE nnd (JURAT RKSOURCKH IS
118 1 KNOXVILLK bENTINF.L; dally 1 mo..
A lie.: weekly 1 year, 91; sample* -V'.
lif ITAII Do yon want n W inch *
Mf A I l-H you like story Pai>ernt Sent
If Ml Will lOc, (silver I to the VI AM A X.
Alllance,o., for 4 mo*. Trial Subscription. The beat
Semi-monthly Story Paj»er published. It will alac
tell how to enrn ihe \V\TI'M ra-'ll*.
■j ay CCUCD CURED TO STAY CURED
||J% | rCf Clft We want tne name and ad
aressot every sufferer in the
&ICTUMA U.S. and Canada. Address
110 I nillH I.HoroHHajos, M.D.j iJulUlo.N.'l
m MOM BY INriilfKKN*.
ft- S l'or 25c. a mo-page i>ooic, experUmc i
of a practical poultry raiser durln :
VHr 2years. It teaches now to detect
7? and cure diseases; to teed for ejfj*
f or r n t(4*uutK; whlcu fowuti
►ave for breeding, Ac., Ac. Address
DOOK I'll*. Ho UN K, IH4 Leonard sr., S. Y. fit y
Firiicinii ,ol| \ w.moßßis*
ItllwlUll Wmtlilngtou, I).« .
■Successfully Prosecutes Claims.
LatePrincfpal ExAtnintr X r S. Pension Bureau.
3 vihiu luat war, 15 adjudicating utt,v ilut*.
fF
The 1890 rccorti for British lifeboats
dhows a saving of 555 lives besides ret
elling twenty-seven vessels ftom destruc
tion.
FITS Plappeil free by I>R. Kuiifs GREAT
NKHTK liKS-roHßii. No nts afier lirst day's UH«.
Marrelaua cures. Treatise aud Serial bottle
tree. Dr. Kline, 101 Arch ht.. Phlla,. I'a.
- .5
$Jt •*
Co#YMrcM*r 1090
lit the train
of diseases that follow a tor
pid liver and impure blood,
nothing can take the place
of Dr. Pierce's Golden Med
ical Discovery. Nothing will,
after you have seen what it
does. It prevents and cures
by removing the cause. It
invigorates the liver, purifies
and enriches the blood, sharp
ens the appetite, improves di
gestion, and builds up both
strength and flesh, when re
duced below the standard
of health. For Dyspepsia,
" Liver Complaint," Scrofula,
or any blood-taint it's a posi
tive remedy. It acts as no
other medicine does. For that
reason, it's sold as no other
medicine is. It's gicarantced
to benefit or cure, or the
money is refunded.
JoHKS&Hia
For Internal and External Inf.
atop* Pain, Cramp*. Inflammation In bo<!r or llmh,
like inas-lc. OuronCroun. Anthma, Colli*. Catarrh, Chol
era Morbus. Plarrlura. Rheumatlnm, Neuralgia, Lnma
ba«'k, St iff Joints and Strain*. Full partlctfar* free. Price
»>ost-i>a•< 1. L.S. JOHNSON dt CO.. Boston. Maaa.
tfONALD KENNEDY,
Of Koxbury, Mass., says
Kennedy's Medical Discovery
cures Horrid Old Sores, Deep-
Seated Ulcers ot 40 vcar.s'
standing. Inward Tumors, and
every disease ot the skin, ex
cept Thunder Humor, and
Cancer that has taken root.
Price, $1.50. Sold by every
Druggist in the United States
and Canada.
XJENU YOXJH ~^V
Koal l«« -l'rir«M| KFKK VN IMITIOWKY \
pn Jjlwhed, at tho n-iMjtrkablv pilj-o /
It give* fcnglii*h wonlnu'lih the (iortnaa
It I* Invaluable to <lermunt» who are not * \
thoroughly familiar with English, or t.> Y J
American* who wish to learn German J
Address with SI.OO,
HOOK PI K. HOIS, 131 l*«»n*rt Ht.. N*w York UU
N Y N U-i«
WKAK, N" ttuvous, WHUTCHED mortals get
well an«l keep well. Health Helper
IllUla tells how. Suet*. a year. Sample co**/
free. I) R. .1 . 11. J» YK, Alitor, Buffalo, N. Y.
FRAZER G A *f E
uuri' in I'Hk ttOKtuUllfcHWt
tw -ict tno Genuine. Sow KverywOera.
r^^ssMNDpi^gr]
I Fra«», Stwl Drop For* In**. Steel Tuhlnir. A«y«»t»hlc Hall ■ ■ I
1
S I »: I STRICTLY HIGH GRADF IN EVERY PARTICULAR. \O%O >
( 1 Send tlx cents in stamps tor our 100-page Illustrated Catalogue d 1 1
r taiT'ue fhEE Gun$ ' R ' fles " Revolvers, Sporting Goods ol All Kinds, etc. ji
) fIOIITV a^- Mreß^j
"When slovens gel- Hdy they polish Hie
PKnH-nms of the p&nsV-When
tired of cleaningup- jnl
Two servants in two neighboring houses dwelt,
But differently their daily labor felt;
Jaded and weary of her life was one,
Always at work, and yet 'twas never done.
The other walked out nightly with her beau,
But then she cleaned house with SAPOLIOc
■ OISO'B REMEDY FOR CAlAßßtt.—Best, iiftstest to use.
JP Cheapest. Kelief ts immediate. A cure la certain, tor
Cold in the Head It has no equal. __
01 nt inrnt, ot which n small particle Is applied to tho
nostrils, l'ricc.aoe. Sold by dnurplsts or s«>nt by mail.
HI Address. KT. HA/KLTIMK, Warren, l*a. ■■
e A CHICHCSTER-8 iHQLIoj, RED CROSS OtAttOKD 81*10 A
rENHNRONkb * r\\»\iS '%
YMK ORIGINAL AND GCKUINI Tlw omtj KalV. »«r«. M mux, Mil Kl>i ▼
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boar* m»|*4 with bl«»* ribbon Tak« ao «(hfr bM. mU .
*ll pliu to pjmbwil twin, ~lsk I" immmrrn* maltrMh ». PtX.
4*. fa lump* f*T parttriiara, teattaabiala, and ••RelTef IWr U«lr«,* «* M*r» »• T--^
lU.no* T,..lnmUl. »w h r <r. CHICWHTIH CHI«IC»i C« ****■
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