THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE STORIES THAT ARB TOLD BT THE FUNNY SEEN OF THE PRESS. Slto and Dreams—Quite Reasonable— Very Likely—Elementary Instruc tions in Cookery, Ktc., Kto. She situ ami dreams of knights of old (Her mother at the washing scrubs). Of maidens fair with lovers bold. And longs for one with wealth untold Whose arms her fragil form might fold. Ami prove the princeliest of hubs; She sits and dreams of knights of old (Her mother at the washtufa scrubs). —Neui York Herald. ENCOURAGEMENT. He— 41 I—l have called to-night to ask—to ask you for your hand." She—"Well (silence while the clock ticks), why don't you?"— Judy. QUITE REASONABLE. "He escaped with his life, I under stand." •'Yes; he couldn't very well have es caped without it."— Washington Star. A SLUR. "She doesn't claim to be a bud, does she?" "Why, crxtainlyl" "What kind—century plant?"— Judge, VERY LIKELY. "Death loves a shining mark," said the minister. "1 guess that's why grandpa wears a wig," suggested Johnnie.— New York Herald. OF TIIE SAME ON NION. Daughter—"Father, Mr. Hendricks is a very bright young man." Father—"He must be. I notice you never have a light in the parlor the night lie calls."— Jury. ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTIONS IN COOKERY. Young Lady "And now, Jane, what's the next thing to do after put ting the meat and potatoes in the stew pan?" Village Girl—"Please, miss, wash the baby."— Punch. TIIF.Y'UE RIGHT. Young Siribuler—"l always give the Qratsvale Journal the refusal of what I write, you know." Unsympathizing Auditor—"And they always exercise that privilege, Scribuler." —Yankeo Blade. SHE DOESN'T WANT IT. Miss Amiable—"That's Miss Hastings. She isn't pretty, but her face grows on 1 you, I think." Miss Sharptongue—"Does it? Well, I should bo very sorry for it to grow on me."— Yankee Blade. VERY STRIKING. "You spent five years in New York, Lord Noodlcby?" "Ya-as." "And what struck you most foicibly in our country?" "My creditahs."— Judge. A BLACK SPEEP. Brown (speaking of Badleigh, who has not led au exemplary life) —"But Badleigh has a bright future before him." Fogg—"Bright? Emphatically; I should say lurid."— Boston Transcript. IT WAS A COLD. Miss Sharpe—"Oh, how do you do, Jlr. Sissy? You are not looking very well." Mr. Sissy—"No, Miss Sharpe; I have a cold or something in me head." Miss S. (calmly)—"l think it must be a cold, Mr. Sissy."— Continent. COULDN'T HELP HERSELF. Watts—"So she refused you, did she?" Dumley—"Yes; said she wouldn't even be a sister to me. That made me mad, and now she's got to be one to me." Watts—"How is that?" Dumley—"l proposed to her sister and was accepted."— Boston Herald. WISE OLD PATER. Cleverton —"Have you any idea how much that dress cost that Miss Swans down had on last night?" Dashaway—"Yes; $125." Cleverton—"How did you come to know?" Dashaway (sorrowfully)—" Her father took pains to toll me tho other day."— Cloak Ilcvieio. NOT THE SAME KIND. "Marie, what arc those things on that tree?" "They're blossoms." "Oh, does tho tree drink?" "No, of course not. What put that m yonr head?" "Why, I heard grandma tell mamma that drinking was putting a beautiful blossom on papa."— Judge. DISENCHANTED. "A great disappointment has fallen on Fickleby." "How's that?" "Before he was married he thought his wife was an angel." "Yes?" "Well, since tlicu. he has found out that she not only is not, but is in no hurry to become one."— Boston Tran script. IN THE WRONG LINE. Enfant Terrible(intently watching Mrs. Scareall, a newly arrived guest, who is unpacking her trunk) —"Well,l don't sec as you've brought any rope at all. " Mrs. Scareall—"Any rope, my dear? Did you want rne to bring a rope?" Enfunt Terrible-" Yes;l've been stand ing here all this while to see the horrible things that Aunt Jane told mamma you'd be sure to bring in the clothes line."— Barker'* Bator. IMMATERIAL. "OIJ, you—you —infamous—what shall I call you?" exclaimed the enraged kitchen lady. "Call me wot you please, ma'am," re plied the imperturbable milkman, whoso horse had stamped and spattered muddy water all over her. "Call me wot you please," he repeated, cordially, as he gathered up his lines and drove off. "Th* hain't no rule fur tho pernunci ation of proper names."— Chicago Tri bune. PAYING OFF TNE GROCER. Doctor Barrowby was canvassing for the post of one of the physicians to Bartholomew's Hospital. With a view to obtaining tho vote of a certain iuflu ential grocer, he called upon him, and found him bursting with importance as he strutted up and down his shop. With a mixture of insolent patronage and in sulting familiarity, he slowly approached the Doctor, and said: "Well, my friend, what is your busi ness?" Barrowby paused, looked him straight in the face, and said: "I want a pouud of plums." Greatly confused, the grocer put up tho plums, whereupon tho Doctor put them in his pocket and marched off without asking him for his vote. — Tid Bits. CUTTING IT CLOSE. A man was selling flowers at the cor ner of Broadway and Canal street tho other day when a married couple came along and stopped a moment to admire tho roses. "Will zc laidec haf a bootiful bokay for ouly ten cents?" asked the dealer. "I'd like one very much," she replied. "Well zc bootiful laidce won't get one!" bluntly added 'the husbaud. "When a feller has come to New Yorlc and bought a wagon load of gimcracks for 'leven children, a present for tho schoolma'am and a jackknife for the hired man, aud won't have but two cents left after buying tickets for home, his bootiful laidee has got to be satisfied with snuffing at the weeds along the railroad track. Come along, Nancy '"— Ncio York World. A UNIQUE WELCOME. While General Grant was President ho visited Maine, accompanied by several members of his Cabinet, to formally open the then American and European Hail road, running from Bangor to the New Brunswick line. Bangor has never been honored by tho presencs of a "first citizen" before, and the city was dressed in gala garb to re ceive him. It so happens that the most imposing structure in the city is the jail, 1 and it has extensive grounds and shade trees around it. When the procession from the railroad station had reached tho grounds the General's attention was called to tho crowning feature of the dccoratious. A large floral arch had been constructed at the entrance bearing the inscription: "Welcome." "Ah," said the General, much pleased, "what public building is that?" "The jail," replied a member of the committee, and then for the first time tho blunder of it dawned upon them.— New York Herald. Strange Tilings From tho Clouds. A phenomenon which probably has no parallel on record was observed in Buf falo, N. Y., the other day. At 10:30 A. M. Park Policeman Edward Fitz- Gibbon was standing near the Front House when, as he at first supposed, heavy drops of rain began falling, lie noticed that they fell with unusual forco upon his hat and clothes, and upon ex amination he discovered that instead of rain a shower of small shot was falling from the clouds. Joseph C. Green, an other park policeman, uoticed the strange phenomenon, and these men, together with Mrs. Buchannan, her sister and others, were all witnesses of the leaden shower. The shower lasted for over an hour, and the people in the neighbor hood caught the shot in hats and aprons. Heporters visited the place next day and gathered a quantity of the leaden rain. During a thunderstorm the same eve ning live turtles, some of them as large as a man's hand,fell on the farm of Adam Walker, in Coal Creek township, Ind. No trees were near and they must have dropped from the clouds. Chicago Uerald. Useless Biggin?. Two of the strongest advocates of re taining sail power on vessels of the new navy as auxiliary to steam have bee.i Admiral Walker and Chief Constructor Wilson. Both have materially altered their views since observing the experience of the Chicago while on the squadron of evolution. Admiral Walker found that her sails were of no use whatever, except to steady her in a heavy wind, and for this purpose fore and aft rig would be sufficient. The Admiral is of the opinion that sail power on twin-screw vessels is simply a useless encumbrance, as the sails are practically never used, and the rig ging only furnishes additional resistance to air, aud is so much additional dead weight to be carried. The only twin screw vessels of the new navy with square rigging arc the Chicago and the New ark, and it will probably not be long be fore all their rigging comes down except the low masts, with tho military tops, and a simple fore-and-aft rig.— Picayune. How to Clean a Plaster Cast. A correspondent of a leading scientific journal states that a bust or statute can be most thoroughly cleaned, provided it has not been painted, oiled or waxed, by inverting it and filling it with water free from iron. The water is then allowed to filter through the plaster. After tho filtering has been kept up for a sufficient time, and the outside surface occasionally washed with water and a solt brush, the plaster is allowed to dry. It is then found that all the dust has been washed out of the pores of the cast, which is thus restored to its original whiteness.— New York Commercial Advertiser, NEWS AND NOTES FOB WOMEN. Sleeves are very long. Loose-fitting gloves are the latest. Many chamois gauntlet gloves are sold to travelers. Copper bronze is to be the fashionable g'tittde of hair this season. Artificial birds for trimming hats and dresses are made to cater to peoplo who are so very humane. For ladies in mourning, the black enameled bracelet with a pansy having a diamond centre in front, has found favor. Women are now allowed to become notaries public in New Jersey in accor dance with the privilege granted by the Senate. Children's hats have no wire, no fac ing, no binding, nothing but a half wreath of flowers, a crown lining and a rubber. Queen Victoria of EngThnd delights in water color sketching and playing ducts with her favorite daughter, Princess Beatrice. A wide field for selection is afforded in table cutlery, which is ROW furnished with handles of china, ivory, pearl, silver, stag, etc. Ribbons to hold fans arc fastened to the shoulders with a bow, and are long enough to fall nearly to the ground, the fan being carried in the hand. The first woman honored with equal position and pay with men professors is Ilarrict Cook, of Cornell, who holds tho chair of history in that university. For dress lining there is no better ma terial than linen. It is cheap and durable, does not cling or split and inakos a bet ter foundation for a skirt than silk. Tho gentle wife of the Crown Prince of England is fond of flno needlework, dressmaking, playing the zithern, pho tography, and has a piotty talent for oil painting. \ A woman was recently sumfuvmp! as a juror in St. Louis. She took the mnHer philosophically and nttended court, 01117 to receive the apologies of all conccrnod in tho blunder. Last October nine women were ap pointed station agents on the elevated railways of Brooklyn, N. Y. They have been so successful that the maifagement will appoint more. Mrß. Peinberton-llincks, of New Or leans, is at present the prima donna most the "rage"' in London society. She is a Creole of remarkable beauty, as well as the fortunate possessor of u magnificent voice. Tho most fashionable garment of the season is the long cape or "cnmail," per fectly square at the bottom, reaching considerably below the waist, high on the shoulders, and studded with jot cabuchons. It is but a few years since sewing was introduced into the Philadelphia public schools, but in that time great progress has been made, and already hundreds of girls, besides the usual accomplishments, are qualified to cut and make garments for themselves, so that they are practical' dressmakers. The hangings of Mrs. Andrew Car negie drawing-room, in New York City, are old rose with gold. The hardwood floor is nearly covered with Persian rugs. The mantle is of onyx and gold with an onyx-tiled hearth. A beautiful Dresden vase has a niche all to itself between the front windows. Frankfort, Germany, has a remarkable Miti-matnmonial ladies' club. Ladies of between twenty and forty years of ago are alone admissible, and upon election, with an annual subscription of $5. they take a vow never to marry. Every member must attire herself in funer-.-»l black and forswear novels. Countess Avmcry do la llochcfou cauld, of France, is said to be the most beautiful womer of this century. Het profile is strikingly like that of Marie Antoinette, and her hair is of the real shade possessed By the martyr queen. Mrs. Marianne Stokes, the clever Eng lish artist, is said to have begun paint ing when hardly more than an infant, and if she was ever without a pencil or a box of paints she would squeeze flowers on a sheet of paper until they gave up their colors. Somo of the well-connected nursegirls who frequent Central Park, New York City, wear smart little kangaroo bags slung over she left shoulder, a la tourist, containing a flask of sweet milk and a supply of Graham crackers for the tod dler's lunch. The London "lady florists," Mrs. Ar thur Wellcslcy and Mrs. Herbert Smith, were employed to decorate Lord Bea cousficld's statue for the celebration of the founding of tho Primrose League. The decorations were said to be particu larly successful. A daughter of Congressman Breckin ridge, of Kentucky, u»>ing graduated with honors at Wellesley several years ago, has now taken up the study of law in her father's office, having in the meantime taught geometry and algebra in a Washington school. Annie Louise Carey, at one time con sidered among the greatest of coitraltos, is a large blonde woman in -whose hand some countenance beams the benevoleneo of her heart. Domestic affairs and char ity work now engage the greater >»hare of her daily time and attention. A Good Appetite There Is nothing for which wo it-commend Hood's Barsaparilla with greater confidence than for low ot appetite, Indigestion, sick headache and other troti* bles of dyspeptic nature. In tho most natural way this medicine gently tones tho stomach, and make* one feel *Teal hungry.*' bad lea in Dellcnte Health, or very dainty and particular at meal*, after takiug Hood's Sr\ra> parllla a few days, find themselves longing for and eat In* the plainest food with unexpected relish and satlufaetiuu. Try it. Hood's Sarsapai'MM 60M by all druggist*. #1: six for Prepare ! >i;r by C. I. HOOD Jt CO., Lowell. Mau. 100 Doses One Dollar Growing; Lettnce by Electric Light. | , It is now believed that where it is profitable to grow lettuce under glass for market, the electric light can be profit ably used. Wm. Hawson, of Arlington, Mass., has experimented for one season ntld feels encouraged to g.i en with it. The Worcester Co. (Mass.) Horticultural Society has published an account of what Mr. Rawson did. One house for forciug ■ lettuce, 200 feet by twenty-four, was i given in charge of one arc light, active I till midnight, at a cost of 815 per month. The crop was advanced in time twenty per cent. One week's advance in five, j is a great gain to the market man. When the electric light was brought to some perfection, much WHS hoped for it as an aid in the artificial culture of plants. Dr. Sicilian's experiments indi cated some good results, but no attempts have be en made to apply the principle to profitable uses. It seems to bo conceded that plautH can proceed with those 1 changes necessary to healthy plant ; growth to a great degree under electric ! light, though not nearly to the extent | they can under sunlight; but the open 1 question is, will they do this to an extent , to make its use profitable to the culti- | vator.— New York Independent. How Birds Learn to Sins?. A wren built her nest in a box on a New Jersey farm. The occupants of tho farmhouse saw the mother teaching her j young to sing. She satin frout of tliem j and sung her whole song very distinctly. One of her young attempted to imitate j her. After proceeding through a few j notes its voice broke and it lost tho tune. The mother recommenced where tho young one had failed, and went very distinctly through with the remainder. The young bird made a second attempt, commencing where it bad ceased before, and continuing the song as long us it i was able, and when the notes were again | lost, the mother begun again where it ; had stopped and completed it. Then the young one resumed the tune and fin ished it. This done, the mother sang over the whole series of notes the second time with great precision, aud again a >«ung one attempted to follow her. The wren pursued the same course with this ; one as \\«4th the first, and so with the third and 'ourth, until each of the birds became a per'ect songster. — Musical Mcs ienyer. About 155,000,00P pounds of dynamite arc manufactured per \L 'r in this coun try, having an aggregate ;u:irket value of about *4,500,000. The live hundred trorkmen employed in this industry re eivc a total of about $340,000. \ llrazil lias increased imposts five por ceut. DrnCiU'HR Can't In- Cured Hy local applications,as they cannot reach the ilisciiM'd portion of the ear. There In only one «vay to < urtMluafuesH, nnd that is hy constitu tional remedies. Deafness is caused by an iu llnmcd condition of the mucous lining of the Eustachian Tube. When this tube Kets in- Hnined you have a rumbling sound or imper fect hcHriuK, and when it is entirely closed, deafness is the result, und unless the' inflam mation can Irj taken out and this tube re stored to lis normal condition, hearing will In/ destroyed forever; nine cases out of ten are caused by catarrh, which is nothing hut an in flamed condition of the mucous surfaces. We will uive One Hundred Dollars for any ease of deafness (caused by catarrhMhat we cannot cure by taking Hall's Cutarrh C'uro. Send for circulars, free. F. J. CHKNEY & Co.. Toledo. O. Sold hy ,."M\ TUB longest bridge in the world is the Lion bridge, Sungang, China. If afflicted with sore eyes use Dr.lsaac Thomp son's Eye-water.Druggists sell at ~'.V. p* r bottle ONE ENJOYS Both the method and results when Syrup of Figs is taken; it is pleasant and refreshing to the taste, and act* gently yet promptly on the Kidneys, Liver and Bowels, cleanses the sys tem effectually, dispels coids, beao aches and fevers nnd cures habitual constipation. Byrup of Figs is .he only remedy of its kind ever pro duced, pleasing to the taste and ao» ceptable to the stomach, prompt in its action and truly beneficial ID its effects, prepared only from the most healthy and agreeable substances, its many excellent qualities com mend it to all and have made it the most popular remedy known Syrup or Figs is for sale in 500 and 81 bottles by all leading drug* gists. Any reliable druggist who may not have it on hand will pro cure it promptly for any one wbo wishes to try it Do not accept any substitute. CALIFORNIA FIG SYRUP CO. SAN FRANCISCO. CAL. UmVtLIE, KY HEW YORK. ft. P. NY N U—WI mm m ABOUT Kami Ten ne FINK it | ■ CLIMATE nnd (JURAT RKSOURCKH IS 118 1 KNOXVILLK bENTINF.L; dally 1 mo.. A lie.: weekly 1 year, 91; sample* -V'. lif ITAII Do yon want n W inch * Mf A I l-H you like story Pai>ernt Sent If Ml Will lOc, (silver I to the VI AM A X. Alllance,o., for 4 mo*. Trial Subscription. The beat Semi-monthly Story Paj»er published. It will alac tell how to enrn ihe \V\TI'M ra-'ll*. ■j ay CCUCD CURED TO STAY CURED ||J% | rCf Clft We want tne name and ad aressot every sufferer in the &ICTUMA U.S. and Canada. Address 110 I nillH I.HoroHHajos, M.D.j iJulUlo.N.'l m MOM BY INriilfKKN*. ft- S l'or 25c. a mo-page i>ooic, experUmc i of a practical poultry raiser durln : VHr 2years. It teaches now to detect 7? and cure diseases; to teed for ejfj* f or r n t(4*uutK; whlcu fowuti ►ave for breeding, Ac., Ac. Address DOOK I'll*. Ho UN K, IH4 Leonard sr., S. Y. fit y Firiicinii ,ol| \ w.moßßis* ItllwlUll Wmtlilngtou, I).« . ■Successfully Prosecutes Claims. LatePrincfpal ExAtnintr X r S. Pension Bureau. 3 vihiu luat war, 15 adjudicating utt,v ilut*. fF The 1890 rccorti for British lifeboats dhows a saving of 555 lives besides ret elling twenty-seven vessels ftom destruc tion. FITS Plappeil free by I>R. Kuiifs GREAT NKHTK liKS-roHßii. No nts afier lirst day's UH«. Marrelaua cures. Treatise aud Serial bottle tree. Dr. Kline, 101 Arch ht.. Phlla,. I'a. - .5 $Jt •* Co#YMrcM*r 1090 lit the train of diseases that follow a tor pid liver and impure blood, nothing can take the place of Dr. Pierce's Golden Med ical Discovery. Nothing will, after you have seen what it does. It prevents and cures by removing the cause. It invigorates the liver, purifies and enriches the blood, sharp ens the appetite, improves di gestion, and builds up both strength and flesh, when re duced below the standard of health. For Dyspepsia, " Liver Complaint," Scrofula, or any blood-taint it's a posi tive remedy. It acts as no other medicine does. For that reason, it's sold as no other medicine is. It's gicarantced to benefit or cure, or the money is refunded. JoHKS&Hia For Internal and External Inf. atop* Pain, Cramp*. Inflammation In boost-i>a•< 1. L.S. JOHNSON dt CO.. Boston. Maaa. tfONALD KENNEDY, Of Koxbury, Mass., says Kennedy's Medical Discovery cures Horrid Old Sores, Deep- Seated Ulcers ot 40 vcar.s' standing. Inward Tumors, and every disease ot the skin, ex cept Thunder Humor, and Cancer that has taken root. Price, $1.50. Sold by every Druggist in the United States and Canada. XJENU YOXJH ~^V Koal l«« -l'rir«M| KFKK VN IMITIOWKY \ pn Jjlwhed, at tho n-iMjtrkablv pilj-o / It give* fcnglii*h wonlnu'lih the (iortnaa It I* Invaluable to Y J American* who wish to learn German J Address with SI.OO, HOOK PI K. HOIS, 131 l*«»n*rt Ht.. N*w York UU N Y N U-i« WKAK, N" ttuvous, WHUTCHED mortals get well an«l keep well. Health Helper IllUla tells how. Suet*. a year. Sample co**/ free. I) R. .1 . 11. J» YK, Alitor, Buffalo, N. Y. FRAZER G A *f E uuri' in I'Hk ttOKtuUllfcHWt tw -ict tno Genuine. Sow KverywOera. r^^ssMNDpi^gr] I Fra«», Stwl Drop For* In**. Steel Tuhlnir. A«y«»t»hlc Hall ■ ■ I 1 S I »: I STRICTLY HIGH GRADF IN EVERY PARTICULAR. \O%O > ( 1 Send tlx cents in stamps tor our 100-page Illustrated Catalogue d 1 1 r taiT'ue fhEE Gun$ ' R ' fles " Revolvers, Sporting Goods ol All Kinds, etc. ji ) fIOIITV a^- Mreß^j "When slovens gel- Hdy they polish Hie PKnH-nms of the p&nsV-When tired of cleaningup- jnl Two servants in two neighboring houses dwelt, But differently their daily labor felt; Jaded and weary of her life was one, Always at work, and yet 'twas never done. The other walked out nightly with her beau, But then she cleaned house with SAPOLIOc ■ OISO'B REMEDY FOR CAlAßßtt.—Best, iiftstest to use. JP Cheapest. Kelief ts immediate. A cure la certain, tor Cold in the Head It has no equal. __ 01 nt inrnt, ot which n small particle Is applied to tho nostrils, l'ricc.aoe. Sold by dnurplsts or s«>nt by mail. HI Address. KT. HA/KLTIMK, Warren, l*a. ■■ e A CHICHCSTER-8 iHQLIoj, RED CROSS OtAttOKD 81*10 A rENHNRONkb * r\\»\iS '% YMK ORIGINAL AND GCKUINI Tlw omtj KalV. »«r«. M mux, Mil Kl>i ▼ UdlN, wk l>rug*ie< tar f%irk—t?r I itngUih iHmmond Jrmmd \m Rrd i.vm ' y boar* m»|*4 with bl«»* ribbon Tak« ao «(hfr bM. mU . *ll pliu to pjmbwil twin, ~lsk I" immmrrn* maltrMh ». PtX. 4*. fa lump* f*T parttriiara, teattaabiala, and ••RelTef IWr U«lr«,* «* M*r» »• T--^ lU.no* T,..lnmUl. »w h r