W. M. CHENEY, Publisher.
VOL. VIII.
The French refuso to do honor to Ex
plorer Stanley, because they say bo is a
hero for revenue only.
Birmingham, Ala., has increased in
population 797 per cent, since 1880. If
New York had grown at a like rate its
population would now be ten millions.
The railroad companies of the coun
try are borrowing a great deal of money,
and tho Chicago Sun asserts that they
find less difficulty iu getting it than they
eyer did.
Among the items in the agricultural
appropriation bill is an appropriation of
$2 ,500, to bo used to investigate the
natural history of and remedies for de
stroying the cottonboll worm.
The Washington Star announces the
remarkable fact that the population of
Gettysburg, Pcnu., by tho new census is
3,051, just nineteen less than tho num
ber of Union soldiers killed in the battle
there.
At tho meeting of the National Coun
cil of Education oue of the speakers said
that not twenty-tive years henco he ex
pected to see boys and young men knock
ing for admission into Vassar aud other
young ladies' seminaries.
The Detroit Fret Press boasts that in
case of war with a foreign nation this
government could raise five men to ev
ery one sheliad in the Civil War,and that,
probably, without resorting to the draft.
Financiers say that she could also raise
SSO now easier than sho could raise a
dollar in 1860.
Financier Henry Villard predicts that
in five years there will not be a steam
locomotive on any railway in the United
States, and" that all kinds of machinery
will be driven by electricity. 110 says
that great discoveries aro at hand, and
speaks so positively that ho is supposed
to know just what the discoveries arc.
Says the Detroit Free Pre m: "Soldiers
will drink and soldier* will play cards.
After fighting the idea for a hundred
years Uncle Sam has at last recognized
the fact and opened 'canteens' within the
posts. Tho soldier can now get his beer
at cost, and cards arc furnished him to
play with. He is also to have pool aud
billiard tables, and will have no excuse
for visiting saloons."
A statement of tho debt extinguish
ment of our country since the war never
ceases tSfcbe impressive. It reflects not
only tho growth, but, exclaims the Bos
ton Advertiser , the patriotism aud pros
perity of our people as no other statisti
cal exhibit does. The mere fact is start
ling that twenty-five years ago, less than
a generation, tho public debt was
$2,756,000,000, entailing an annual in
terest charge of $151,000,000, and it is
now only 8921,000,000, and the interest
charge is but $29,500,000.
Advices from Florida to the Atlanta
Constitution state that the excitement in
the phosphate fields is intense. There is
much dissatisfaction over tho news from
Washington that all the phosphate lands
will be classed as mineral lands, aud that
those who have taken homesteads must
give them up. Many persons have been
staking out claims, and wheu the proper
papers come from Washington there will
bo a greater upheaval than Okluhoma
ever saw. Lawyers and business men
have been staking out claims, and at least
6000 ejectment suits have already been
filed. The value of the property involved
is at least $16,000,000, and the home
steaders will not yield to the Government
■without a stubborn fight.
The Milwaukee Wisconsin gives credit
to Sigvald Qvale for leaving $1,000,000,
constituting tho bulk of his estate, to
endow a State hospital for cripples.
But it does not give credit to hiui alone.
It declares that Mrs. Qvale also is en
titled to public praise and gjatitude, be
cause, with full knowledge of the effect
of her act,s!)£ signed the deed convoying
her husband's property to trustees for the
purpose named. And so she is, agrees
the Chicago Times. Sho deliberately
chose to second the humane and
thropic wishes of her husband, whe'n
■he might have defeated them and so
cured much wealth for herself, and to
bestow upon her two sons by a former
marriage. As the adopted citizen who
made the bequest has set a noble exam
ple for native Americans of wealth, so
his wife, also a Scandinavian by birth,
liM set a noble example for native Amer
fctthtin*
SULLIVAN REPUBLICAN.
VILLANELLG.
The rose must die, tho' love says Nol
The flower was thine, the words were mine,
Among the mixta of long ago.
We watched the dying afterglow;
The winds sighed softly thro' the pine—
The rose must die, tho' love says No!
We pledged our love thro' weal or woe,
My lips to thine—thy hand in mine,
Among the mists of long ago.
The waves, with restless surge and flow,
Intoned with harmony divina—
The rose must die, tho' love says No!
We both have suffered—even so;
And mem'ry sighs by love's cold shrine.
The rose must die, tho' love says Nol
Among the mists of long ago.
—Sanborn Gove Tcnncy, in Belford.
A COMPOSITE ROMANCE.
I. THE I.KTTEIT-CAUNIER'B STORY.
There is one fnmily on my route that
gives me more trouble than all of the
others put together. Not that they ever
complain of me or compel me to walk to
the top of a live story building, but I
can't make them out. I don't usually
bother my head about the people to whom
I deliver mail; there is something so sin
gular about this one family, however,
that I can't help taking particular notico
of them.
They live iu an elegant stone house on
Kenyon avenue, and consist of a middle
aged gentleman, John Godfrey by name,
his maiden sister and his daughter, u girl
of seventeen.
Mr. Godfrey, who is a wealthy rail
road man, has a hard, stern look, and his
sister docsu't appear to be any too
amiable, but the daughter has fairly won
my old heart. She is as handsome as a
picture and she always had a smile for
me when she came to tho door (the
maiden aunt answers my ring now), and
how her face would light up when I
handed her a letter addressed in a round,
manly hand to Miss Neua Godfrey, and
postmarked C .
At first, when she nnd tho servants
stopped coming to the door, I couldn't
understand it, but I have arrived at the
conclusion that the maiden aunt always
takes the mail in order to prevent Miss
Nena from getting her lstters. During
the time Miss Nena came herself I
brought her a letter postmarked C
nearly every day. Since then I have de
livered only two for her, and the maiden
aunt's face has worn such a satisfied look
as she took them, that I am sure tho
letters are from some young man Miss
Nena is in love with, and her father aud
aunt are trying to break off the match.
I met her on the street one day a short
distance from the house, and she stopped
as though to speak to me. She changed
her mind, however, and passed on with
a pleasant "Good morning," but I noticed
that her lips quivered as she spoke. I
think she wanted to ask mo something
about her letters. Poor girl! I wonder
how it will end?
11. THE MESSENGER BOY'S STORY.
Las' night 'bout 7 o'clock I hud ter
take a message up on Kenyon avenue. It
was fer Miss Nena Godfrey, an' w'en I
rung th' bell a young lady coined to th'
door. I axed her if tlier' was a answer
an' she tole me to come iu an' she would
sec. She then went inter the parlor au'
tore open the message, an' we'n she read
it she turned as white as a sheet, an' I
thought she was goin' to faint. Jes'
then the boss came iuter th' room an' ho
said to her, owful stern:
"Wat's the matter I Who's the tele
gram from?"
She didn't answer an'he said: "Let
me see it," but sho turned quicker'n a
flash an' threw it into tho grate we're a
fire was burnin', an' it blazed up in a
second.
Th' old gent started for her, lookin'
awful mad. Jes' then he seed mo an' he
axed what was I waitin' fer. I told him
th' answer. He said tber' wasn't nun
an' fer mo to clear out. I didn't wait
fer him to tell me twice. I'll bet,
though, he talked mighty sharp to his
daughter after I'd gone.
I sees a good many funny things
carryin' round messages,but I never seed
anythin' like that before.
NI. THE TELEGRAPH OPERATOR'S STORY.
Something rather out of the common
happened at our office last evening. The
following message was sent from C :
Miss Nena Godfrey, 193 Kenvon^avenue:
C'ome at once if possible. Willas very low.
DR. OTTOISCHMIDT.
The message was delivered to Miss
Godfrey, and about 9 o'clock the lady's
father came into tho office. The clork
having stepped out for a moment, I got
up to wait on him.
Mr. Godfrey wanted to know if we
had a copy of tho telegram that camo
for his dangliter that evening. I told him
that. I was acquainted with the contents.
He then wanted to know if I would tell
hiui what was iu it. Ho said that he was
not at home when tho message came;
that his daughter had gone out and left
the message for him, but that tho ser
vants had mislaid it.
As Mr. Godfrey is a well known citi
zen I complied with his request. The
contents of the telegram had an entirely
different effect upon him from what I
expected. Instead of being surprised or
shocked, it seemed to make him very
angry. Ho recovered himself quickly,
however, aud with a curt "Much
obliged" he walked out. I wonder who
Wilt is?
rv. THE CONDUCTOR'S STORY.
Tkart wti Mm flnnnnfltfrl
LAPORTE, PA., FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 5. 1890.
with the'acctdent to my train last night
that I did not give to the reporters.
A young lady boarded the train at
R whom I recognized as tho daugh
ter of John Godfrey, one of the stock
holders of the road. She had a ticket
for C , and I noticed when I stopped
at her seat that she was pale and agi
tated. After the accident she was one
of tho first to get clear of the wreck,
and did not appear to be injured.
Luckily tho engine was not disabled,
tlio accident having been caused by tho
rails spreading just as the baggage car
passed over them,and I determined togo
to C for assistance. I was consulting
with the engineer when Miss Godfrey
touched mo on ihe arm and begged ear
nestly toybo allowed to ride on the en
gine to C . It was a case of life and
death, (he said.
Sho appeared so distressed at the
thought of delay that I told the engineer
to take her with y\im. She was up in the
cab in an instant,and they "pulled out"
at once, so that one of my passengers at
least arrived at C near!;' on time.
V. TNE DETECTIVE'S STORY.
A dispatch was recoived at headquar
ters last evening from 11 , requesting
the department to send a man down to
tho station and arrest a young woman
who was on tho 10:40 express from tho
East. I was detailed for the work.
I waited around the station until near
ly train time, and then heard a rumor
that there had been a wreck down the
road. I investigated and found that
such was tho case; in fact the accident
had occurred to tho very train I was
waiting for. I obtained permission togo
on the relief train, and when we arrived
at the scene of the wreck I commenced
to look around for the young woman.
As I could find no one who answered
to the description sent, I mado inquiries
of the conductor and learned that the per
son I was after had gone up to C on
the engine that brought the news of the
accident to the city. It was after three
A. M. before I got back and mado my
report, und they decided not to do any
thing more about the matter until they
heard again from R .
The accident was a costly one for the
railroad company, but a lucky one for
tho young woman. Had it not occurred
she would have spent the night in the
station house.
VI. THE DOCTOR'S STORY.
For tlio last three weeks I have been
teuding an old schoolmate of mine. His
name is Will Holbrook aud he has been
very low with brain fever. He was at
oue time quite well off, but lost every
thing by an unlucky speculation, and
was forced to accept a clerkship with
one of the firms with which he had for
merly done business. A too steady
application to his duties, coupled with
great depression of mind, brought ou
his illness, which has threatened to ter
minate fatally more than oncc.
I noticed just beforo he gave up how
badly ho was looking, and one evening
when he called at my office he confided
everything to me. The los 3of every
thing he possessed was naturally a heavy
blow to him, but it was nothing in com
parison to what it had brought with it
—the breaking oil of his engagement
with the woman he loved.
Her name was Nena Godfrey, and they
had been engaged for about a year. As
soon as her father heard of the change
in Will's affairs, ho wrote to him, giving
him to understand that ho could no
longer regard him as a future son-in
law. On learning, however, that Miss
Godfrey's heart was unchanged toward
him, Will determined not to give her
up, and to make every effort in his power
to regain his lost fortune as quickly as
possible.
When he was taken sick I hid him
brought to my house, and during his de
lirium, he would keep asking for Nena;
then lie would imagine that she was
with him, and would implore her not to
leave him. Late yesterday afternoon ho
became so much worse, and begged so
piteously for her to come to him that I
sent Miss Godfrey a telegram, and about
eleven o'clock in the morning I was in
formed that she was waiting for me in
the office. I went to her at once.
She attempted to rise as I entered the
room, but sank back on her chair as
though completely exhausted, I at
tributed this to perturbation, and hast
ened to quiet her fears about Will.
She insisted upon seeing him without
delay.
Will seemed to be conscious of her
presence the moment she knelt by his
bedside and took his hand. He became
more composed, and at last sauk into a
doze, still holding her hand. This lasted
until midnight, and then he opened his
eyes and I saw that he would live. Ho
spoke her name in a whisper, and tried
to raiso her hand to his lips. She made
no souud, but gave him a look of love
and tenderness that he understood at
oncc, and ho closed his eyes again as
though hor mere presence was all he
asked. After he had lost himself, Miss
Godfrey looked up at me, and the ex
pression on my face told her the glad
truth. The next instant she had fainted.
I carried her into the adjoining room
and called my wife. She came to my as
sistance at once, and, after we had
worked over Miss Godfrey for a few mo
ments, she opened her eyes and said,
with a faint smile:
"I am sorry to make you so much
trouble, but I think my arm is hurt, and
that is what made tne faint. The train
on which I left R met with an acci
dent, and I guess that I have not cacaped
iioiniiirnd."
On making an examination I found
that her left wrist was sprained and the
forearm considerably bruised. Although
suffering intense pain, the plucky little
woman had managed to keep mo in ig
norance of her injuries until she knew
whether her lover would live or die. I
did everthing for her that my skill sug
gested, and thon forced her to take some
rest. A couch was arrangod for her in
tho room adjoining Will's, and, al*
though she obtained but little sleep—
she was up every hour to look at liim
and ask how he was—her condition this
morning was much better than I had ex
pected.
Shortly after daylight some one rang
tho office bell, and when I opened the
door I knew instinctively that the man
standing before mo was John Godfrey.
He stepped into tho office, told me his
name, and usked if his daughter was in
the house. I told him that she was, and
he requested me to send her to him.
Whatever his feelings toward me were
lie did not show them.
I went to Miss Godfrey and informed
her that her father was waiting to see
her. She trembled for an instant, and
then closed her lips over her firm little
mouth and went to him without a word.
I had placed her arm in a sling, and tho
pain and emotion sho had lately under
gone had left their marks on her face. I)
was sure that the sight of her would
move her father to pity.
What took place during tho interview
I did not learn. It lasted for over an
hour, nnd then I was called. I was not
uu prepared for the scene that met my
gar.e. Neua was holding her father's
bond, and Mr. Godfrey's eyes showed
that he had been shedding tears. Neua
turned to me with a happy smile.
"Father has forgiven us," she said.—
Detroit Free Press.
"It's a Shop, Sir!"
I had an experience all my owu in
Lock & Co.'s hat store, in St. James
street, writes Julian Kalpli in un article
on London, published by Harper's
Weekly. The aged proprietor displays
ancient bonnets and caps in his window,
which is kept scrupulously dusty. Not
ing this, I said, "This must be u very
old store indeed."
"Store?" said tho man. "It's no
store at all; it's a shop, sir. I call a
store a place for the sale of a miscellane
ous lot of goods; but this is a shop, sir.
You ought to bo more careful iu your
' use of terms."
If that was rudeness—and I do not
know liow groat he considered his prov
ocation—it was the only rudeness I ex
perienced from any shopkeeper. But I
learned from that incident not to say
store. And beforo I left Eugland I had
swelled my in lox expurgatorius to the
extent that I seldom used the following
words: Guess; yes, sir; glass (fot
tumbler); railroad; horse car; cents; fix;
store; or pad of paper. "Block of pa
per," they said, when I at last got thein
to understand that I wanted a pad.
"Guess" and "fix" are pure American
isms, and are to be used or not as you
waut to attract curious attention or to
avoid it; but the most difficult thing for
many Americans iu England was to
avoid saying "sir" to a stranger who
who addressed them or to an old gentle
man. "Yes, sir," and "no, sir," over
there arc the verbal insignia of a ser
vant.
Mysteries of Amber.
Amber has only recently come to be
understood. The ancients regarded it
as altogether mysterious and even magi
cal, says the Washington Star. They
found that it was rendered electrical by
friction so as to attract light substances,
and our word "electricity" comes from
the Greek name for amber, which was
"electron." A favorite puzzle with them
was how tho insects so frequently found
inclosed in amber came to be so situated.
I have myself seen a chunk of very
transparent amber in which a small liz
ard with five legs was encased, looking
as if it might have been alive yesterday,
though doubtless it had been dead for
thousands of years. The mystery of this
sort of phenomenon is easily enough ex
plained when it is understood that am
ber is actually the fossil gum of an ex
tinct kind of cone bearing tree. In the
process of hardening it imprisoned the
flies and other creatures preserved in the
chunks of it that are found to-day.
Tho finest specimen of amber in Eu»
rope is a cup made of that material, now
at the Brighton Museum, England. Am«
ber now is worth from $2 to SSO •
pound, according to its quality. Th«
, most important uses mado of it is for
meerschaum and other pipes.
A Grateful Pickpocket.
When John Murphy was arraigned at
the bar in the Court of General Sessions
rocently ho had no money with which to
pay a lawyer. The charge was grand
larceny—he had stolen a watch. Law
yer Costello was assigned by tho court
to defend him. Mr. Costello did hit
best for the man, and succeeded in pro
curing a short sentence of two years and
nine months for him.
As he was led away Murphy turned to
the lawyer and said: "I thank you for
what you have done for me. I cannot
do anything for you now, but just as
soon as I get out of prison you shall have
the first yellow clock I get." The yellow
clock is, in the parlance of thieves, a
watch, and Murphy is a professional
pickpocket. — New York Time*.
' A Philadelphia syndicate has just
struck a solid moss of native copper in
1 MitiKi crao.
Terms—sl.2s in Advance; $1.50 after Three Months.
SCIENTIFIC AND INDUSTRIAL.
The population of the worid doubles
itself every 360 years.
A new deposit of zinc ore has just
been found near Bloomsburg, Penn.
Tho strawberry contains 90.52 per
rent, water and 9.48 per cent, dry
matter.
The baryta deposits on McKellar's
Island, Canada, are now being worked.
Experts pronounce this to be tho finest
deposit in Americu.
Paint tho tongues of your fever pa
tients with glycerine, says a physician;
it will remove the sensation of thirst and
discomfort felt when the organ is dry
and foul.
The object-glass of the Lick telescope
in California has an area of 1018 square
inches. Tho next largest, that at Pul
kowa in Russia, has an area of only 706
square inches.
To fill up cracks in a boat, melt equal
parts of pitch and gutta perclia iu an
iron pot; thoroughly mix by stirring.
Make up in sticks and melt into the
cracks with a warm iron.
With the view of testing the rapidity
of electric welding, twenty pieces of
one-inch common round iron bars, with
rough ends, were recently welded to
gether by two men in thirteen minutes.
Blacksmiths can start a fire by pound
ing violently a rod of soft iron, first
spreading on the anvil a layer of pow
dered coal dust. This is a good illus
tration of the conversion of force into
heat.
Several of the larger machinery-mak
ing concerns of tho North are so crowded
with work that they are now obliged to
refuse orders. There is a very urgent
demand for electrical machinery, espec
ially.
It is claimed that wall paper can be
made in such a way that the passage of
low tension electric currents will I■. it
moderate 1 warm to the touch, and dif
fuse throughout the room an agreeable
temperature.
The conclusions reached by modern
meteorologists are that cyclones of great
intensity are ascending spiral whirls of
wind having a rotary motion in a direc
tion iu tho northern hemisphere opposite
*.o the movement of the hands of a
watch.
Photography has apparently dis
proved the theories of the old-school
meteorologists who maintained that
lightning never turned back in its path.
Au examination of lightning photography
shows that a flash not only turns back
sometimes, but tangles itself into a kind
of knot.
An excellent thing to soften leather is
castor oil. The leather should first be
washed and softened with warm water
mid then wiped, and while still damp
well oiled and the oil rubbed in. A lit
tle carbolic acid in tho leather will deter
rats or mice from gnawing tho leather.
After the oil is soaked in a finishing may
be given with any of the shoe polishes
now in common use.
Stature of Various Nations.
According to tho investigations of tho
Anthropological Committee of the British
Association, recently reportel, the mean
stature of tho Germans does not rise
above five feet,five and onc-oighth inches;
while tho Swiss average is a little
•rreater, being five feet, seven and four
fifths inches. The English are the tall
est race among men, their average height
being five feet, ten inches, the working
Masses included, outside of which the
average stature would amount to only
ive feet., nine inches. The Norwegians,
however, are, at least, their equals. The
Danes, Dutchmen and Hungarians aver
age five feet and eight inches; the Swiss,
Russians and Belgians, five feet and seven
and four-fifths inches. The Frenchman's
mean stature docs not rise above five feet
and five and one-eighth inches. In Ger
many there appears a decided difference of
•ze between the inhabitants of the South
au ■" those of the North; for example, the
IlatK verians and Bavarians—in favor of
the former. The smallest of all European
nations are the Italians and Spaniards,
who show a mean of only five feet and five
inches. While, as mentioned, the work
ingmon of England evince an average
superiority of bodily size, in France the
othor classes exhibit a mean measure by
nearly an inch exceeding that of tho
laboring population.— Courier-Journal.
Bismarck Caps Ton Moltke's Sentiment
A young lady oue day requested Molt ke
and Bismarck to write u few words iu
her album. The Marshal took up tho
pen first and wrote: "Falsehood passes
away; truth remains. Von Moltko,
Field Marshal." After reading what
Moltke had written, Bismarck took tho
pen and added the following; "I know
very well that truth prevails in tho next
world, but iu tho meantime a Field Mar
shal himself would be powerless against
falsehood in this world.—Von Bismarck,
Chancellor of the Empire."— New York
World.
/ A Farm Without a Whip.
There is a beautiful farm just back of
Ocean Springs, Miss., owned by Mr.
Parker Earie, who, very wisely, allows
no no man on the place to use a whip
on any of the stock. It is said that there
is but one old whip on the farm, proh
ably a relic of some other owner, but
tho old whip is not used, and the farm
does well and the animals work with a
will and never feel the lash. Kindness
can run anything, «van a farm.— iVW
Orleans Picavunt,
NO. 47.
HEART'S-EASE^
Heart's-ease is better than wealth, you know,
Or than fame or culture; so let ub go
To find the hights where heart's-ease must
grow.
Since we crave it so.
Then we -wandered through many a pleasant
land;
The journey was sweet, hand clasped is
hand;
But we found not the heart s-ease we had
planned
On those hights so grand.
And I asked of one whom I saw below.
Had he seen the flower:' He answered "No;
But I should think heart's-eaae ought to grow
In the heart, you know."
So I looked down Into my heart; behold!
It was full of heart's-ease, yellow as gold;
As much as the happy heart could hold;
So my love I told.
And into his heart be looked to see.
It was full to the brim as full could be
Of purple heart's-ease in me!
How dull were we!
"But I don't like yellow," I murmured lowj
"I like purple better; don't you?" O, no!
"I do like yellow." ho said; and so
We exchanged, you know.
I carry his heart's-ease in my hand;
He carries mine; do you understand?
Each is safer; better than wo had planned
Is heart's-ease land.
And this is the moral I've pointed so;
If the sweetost of heart's-ease you would
sow,
In somebody else's heart let it grow,
If you'd like to know.
—Alice W. Rollins, in Independent.
HUMOR OF THE DAY.
A freak of fashion—The Dude.
Rough on the old man—His wrinkles.
If all flesh is grass ni'iuimies must bo
hay.
A fur rug should always bo laid down
side up.
Sickness is Nature's way of saying—
"l told you so."
Who are the coutractlng parties? Glrli
that lace.— Kjrnch.
Othor game is losing grouodf but tho
deer always keeps up his lick.
A joke is never good until it is cracked,
and not always then.— Washington Star.
"Is your cook French?" "No; Ameri
can. Sort of Pan-American."— Harper'i
Bazar.
When the green man comes to town
and, drops his yellow metal he departs
very blue.— Puck.
All things come to him who waits; so
he shouldn't kick if bad luck comes
amongst them.— Puck.
Black—"Say, White, can you tell me
what alligators eat?" "White—"All
live ones do, I believe."— Life.
The woman who is cold to all but gold
ought to have the arctic circle for an en
gagement ring.— Boston Gazette.
How doth the little busy bee
Improve the passing hours
In gathering up the sweets of life.
And dodging all the sours!
—Puck.
Tourist—Do wc stop here long enough
for luncheon? Brakeraan — AVe do, un
less you insist on eating a whole sand
wich.—Life.
First Mate —"Well, sir. things are go
ing smooth now, sir." Captain—"Yes.
hat is because several of the sailors have
Teen ironed."— LippincolV*.
A flirting woman can cause mora
trouble to mankind than a devastating
army, but she is very much nicer than
the devastating army, after all.—Somer
ville Journal.
There's Another Leap Year Coming—
"Why don't the youug men marry?"
queried her youug sister. "I suppose
they arc not asked," absently replied the
bride of 1888.— Puck.
Hostess—"Mr. Feejee,let me help you
to some of the roast beef." Reformed
Cannibal (with a wistful, retrospective
sigh)—"No, I tank you. Me vegetarian
now."— Chicago Tribune.
"What are you reading, my dear?"
asked a member of the Chicago Literary
Society of her daughter. "The autobio
graphy of Thomas Jefferson,ma." "Who
wrote it?"— New York Sun.
"I'll be a sister to you, John," said she,
And then he rose and kissed her.
"I've always felt I'd like," said he,
"To have an elder sister."
—N» io York Sun.
Medical Professor in Charge of the
Dissecting-Room—"Gentlemen, may I
ask what you did with the subject when
you retired?" Medical Student—"We
laid it on the table."— Burlington Free
Press.
First Kentuckian—"How did Colonel
Strutter get his military title, do you
know?" Second Kentuckian—"Yes;
when he was a young man he used to
drill holes iu a quaity."— Detroit Fr«*
Press.
Pay-day I with gold was glad,
Sunday still I chinked my "tin;"
Monday 1 but silver had,
Tuesday blew my nickel in;
Wednesday my last ' 'copper" spun,
Thursday borrowed on my "brass;"
Friday, when I got a dun,
Iron pierced my soul, alias!
—Pvck.
"Tho cruiser Philadelphia made nine
teen knots an hour. By the way, per
son, what is your best time?" The Chi
cago minister thought a moment. "My
best I think was sixteen. But then
three of them had never been married
before, and, of course, their inexperience
caused tome little delay."-— PhiUultlphln
Twm.