"A '
. V " ' - ' ' "
iF'l
J
JMY BEST GlMS BIG PIE.
EEly Button Hu an Awfol Adrentur
X Christmas Tokun.
Th XlafortnBM Which Attended El At-
(enst to Carry a Big Pi and a XJttle Pie
Sob U a Car Jut to FImm Sla Utt)
01x1, .
ILLY BUTTON'S
best srlrl Is one of
those nice little
"home bodies" who
thinks It must be at
fullv lonesome for a fellow to be
bacehlor. If Billy was making a little
more money he wouldn't be a bacehlor
cinch loncer.
It grieved her tender little soul as
Christmas time approached to think
that Billy would have no homemade
Die. without which there can be no
proper celebration of the day. She
couldn't ask him to her house to dinner
because her father disagreed with
Billy even worse than the pie probably
would. He allowed Billy to oall once
In awhile, but such a formal recogni
tion as a Christmas invitation was no t
to be thought of. So she determined
to make a pie with her own fair handa.
and let Hilly take It home wltn him.
Thus It happened that when Billy ven
tured to make one of those rare visits
to her house he found her standing in
her parlor waiting for him. holding
the pie in both hands and gazing over
its expansive upper crust with a look
that went straight to Billy's heart. It
was an affecting scene.
"Billy," she said, with tears in her
eyes, "take this as a little token or my
love.
It was a very big pie, for the little
girl had kept thinking how much she
loved Billy all the time she was de
signing It, and every time one of his
good qualities occurred to her she en
larged the size of the plate that the
pie was to be baked in. so that when
it was finally executed and baked by
stealth in tee family kitchen It was
about th size of a grindstone, and the
clung bad made a serious inroad up
on the family stock of mincemeat.
Now, Billy loves this young lady to
tiiat extent that he would love tie or
anything else for her sake, but she
couldn't produce a similar effect on
the pie. and he knew it If there is
one thing that Billy can't eat without
dreaming of green dragons with sky
blue tails, that thing is mince
pie. But he wouldn't tell her so; oh,
no! He took the pie and set it on a
table, and then he proceeded to ad
mire it, and to tell her how hollow and
unsatisfactory were all restaurant
pies, and how much he had longed for
just such a great, glorious pie as t.iat.
But he ventured to suggest that it
would be a difficult thing to carry
home. The girl lives in the far end of
Brooklyn and Billy is a New Yorker.
He fell to praising the pie again,
and said that he could hardly refrain
from eating it right then and there.
Then she said she needn't break
Into that pie and spoil its personal
appearance because she had a smaller
one in the pantry that he could have
right away, l'oor fellow, he must
be hungry: he was looking right thin;
they didn't feed him well at his boarding-house.
So she hurried off to get
the small pie, and Billy sat there won-
flerlng whether to lose his girl by re
fusing the pie or to lose his life by eat
ing it. He finally decided that it would
be gross egotism to hold his life of
more importance than his love and
when she appeared with the smaller
pie he was ready for the sacrifloe. He
ate It all and asked If he couldn't keep
fight on and eat the big one; but she
mtled, as a woman always does when
man has complimented her cooking
at the expense of his digestive machin
ery, and told him that his health was
the subject of her eternal solicitude,
and she couldn't on any consideration
allow him to eat more th n one mince
pie after 9 o'clock in the evening.
They occupied the remainderof the
time in wrapping up the large pie so
that It would not give itself away and
make foolish people laugh. Neither
of them were very expert at doing ud
bundles, and their earlier efforts were
opt productive of good results either
lo their tempers or to the pie, but at
last Billy hit upon a great idea. He
put an enormous piece of paper right
Dver the top of the rile, and rolled up
Ihe ends underneath so that the whole
had the desired effect of a gigantic
bouquet, and in that form he bore it
iway.
hen he got on board the L train
there were few people in the car, and
be congratulated hiinself accordingly.
He secured one of thecros seats, and
11 to himself, and as the weight of
the pie was formidable he ventured to
put it down on the vacant seat beside
bim, steadying it against the back.
Then he le.inel hi- head against the
ilde of the car and heaved a sigh of
relief as he settled into a comfortable
position.
He knew that pie which he had
avten was already setting tho scenery
br frightfulnlghtmare pantomimes.but
the big pie had weighted heavier on
lis mind than the little one had on his
itAmai-h aa vat a.n.4 V. ... I
- jvm, atuu 1.110 Clftso WILLI I
ntch he was managing It soothed him '
M6rfulljr. The monotonous rtvttia
f the car wheels came to h5 sleepy
Mrs like a slumber son?, tci before
he knew it he was dozing. He came
lo himself with a start a. the train
lowed at a station, and was just In
iimeto catch his "bouquet" sliding to
ward the floor. He replaced it more
Irmly and afara lay back in his place.
Then It seemed to Billy that an
Utxipether unnecessary number of
eople were boarding the train. And
very body who came in eyed the minoe
lie. Several youn men were par
icularl seijive.
"Ha, ha!1' said one of them, h.
thinks he's fixed that pie to look like i
bouquet, but I can smell the hard cider
Then he poked his cane at the pie,
and his companion barked. This in
sult to his best girl's mincemeat mad
Billy 8 Tlood boil, but somehow
couldn't do anything V resent it.
While he was resolving to get ven-1
geance a big man came along and sal '
down on the pie. Then he arose and
began to abuse Billy for leaving it in
the way. This was adding insult to
injury, but Billy's bashfulnss about
the pie had sapped his courage and hi .
could find no words to reply. Instead, i
he grabbed the unfortunate pie and
hurried into another car. This appear- ,
ed to be full of pretty girls, and they ,
all giggled in unison when Billy cams
in with his load. Every seat was oc- j
eupled, and Billy had to stand up and i
be stared at. The pie was so big that
Billy had to hold tt in both hands, so
he couldn't hold on to the strap. Con
sequently, when the train went round
a sudden curve Billy sat down in a
girl's lap. She stuck a shawl-pin Into
his back, and he arose almost as ab I
ruptly as he had sat down.
He was about to ask her ironi
cally if she wacted him to take that as '
a proposal when the train reached the
bridge, and everybody hurried out In
the confusion umbrellas, canes and
elbows innumerable were punched
through the pie, and it was badly
wrecked when Billy reached the bridge
car. The crowd which had filed out of
the train crowded the bridge car, and
everybody appeared to have heard of
Billy and his pie. Girls tittered and
whispered criticisms about the pieman
as he walked aboard. It seemed an
endless journey across, aud in the L
train on the other side things were no
better. A series of grotesque and
humiliating adventures attended his
progress up town, and when he alight
ed in Harlem he was in a condition
half way between profanity and
hysteria. i
1 he street through which he had to
pass had always been dark, but he
never had known it so black as on this
particuar occasion. He was glad to
have the pie shrouded in this welcome
gloom, but the unusual darkness sug
gested sandbaggers. The fear of these
industrious but inconsiderate people
had no sooner crossed his mind than
he heard whispering voices behind
him:
'Get onto de cove." said one.
'Pipe de blooming bundle dat he's
a-carryin' so careful. Must be full o'
swag."
"Le s do him up," said another.
I'll club de life out of him while vou
collar de boodle. See?"
Billy tried to run and struggled to
get voice enough to howl police, but
before he could do either he felt the
deadly sandbag knock his hat to ever
lasting ruin Hnd then he sank upon the
pavement while the pie was wrenched
from his hand.
A dizziness ctme over him. Ha
closed his eyes. There was a murmur
of voices in his ears. Suddenly hi:
eyes flew open upain and he saw, not
the courtroom, but the interior of
the car on the Brooklyn line. A
crowd of people were staring at him.
and one of them supported the con
ductor, who stood there with his face
covered with mincemeat and the under
crust of the enormous pie around hi
neck.
"Young feller," said the conductoi,
as he wiped the mincemeat out of his
eye, "you'll pay for this. Here I was
trying to do you a favor by waking
you up at the bridge and you slammed
a thousand pounds of chopped dog
down on top of my head."
"I tried to explain that I had been
dreaming on that confounded piece of
pie which I had eaten," said Billy
when he related this story to me, "but
the conductor wouldn't have it 1
spent the night in a cell and paid $10
and costs the next day. I wouldn't
mind the fine if I hadn't broken that
plate. The little girl will surely find
out about it when I have to tell her I
can't return the plate. She wouldn't
have known any other way, for of
course I gave an assumed name at the
st.tion, where I was charged with
drunkenness.disoruerly conduct and as
sault and battery, but"
"Whose name did you give?"
"Why, the first one I thought of,"
Billy replied; "yours, you know.".
Howard Fielding, in Dallas News.
The Point of View.
Sonnet to an American Girl by a Member
of the Chlne-e Leatlon.
Why does my heart permit thy gentle sway?
iu utjo.- my nuei arc in tbv la -e;
How tint hoj hast, alas, like
thy race.
Aud yet I love ttwe; struma though I may.
I may.
mic jarj mui round.
a bmUh
(tray
(But null they
suit)
seem to bid me urge mj
They are not shaped like lovely almond
fruit,
Set in thy face aslant the only way
Tiiat can be right Xhy lro and mannish
walk
Tells of no dwarfin?. waddle causing shoe;
Thy feet are Ion and slender, sad to view.
More like a man's ti.au woman's vet I talk
Of thy dear self from morn till dewy eve
My vows of love, sweet heathen, pray re
ceive. Done into English by Charles Battel
Loo in is.
Cerp.lent Boorish Beauty.
The Moors have extraordinary idea
concerning female beauty. They fancy
an oily skin, teeth projecting beyond
the lips, pointed nails an inch long
and a figure so corpulent that two per
sons putting their arms around the
wuist could scarcely make their fingers
touch. A woman of modern prelen
sions to beauty needs a slave under
each arm to support her as she walks,
and a perfect belle carries weight
enough to load a camel. Mothers are
so anxious to have their daughters at
tain this unweildy size that they make
them eat a great quantity of millet
pudding and drink several bowls of
camel's milk a d.iy. Mungo Park said
he has seen a poor girl sit crying for
more than an hour with the bowl at
her lips, while her mother stood over
her with a stick and beat her whenever
she perceived that she was not swal
'owing. The Moors marry at a very early
ge, and wives are always purchased.
The father of the girl cannot refuse an
offer unless there is some stain on th
young man's character. IX a wife
does not become the mother of a son
she may be divorced by the husband
The mother of many sons is held' in
the highest respeot and Is never suffer
, . - , . -
cd to perform " men! office.
-8s Jy
swassssassswa
MY LOVE AFFAIR
It is a terrible misfortune lur a bov
to fall in love
It was my first case, and it went
.nighty hard with me
I sometimes hare wished that it had
Deen my last.
Bat you would have fallen in lore
just as hopelessly as I did, had you
known Cousin Kate. In all serious
ness and saciedness I make this asser
tion, for she was oue of the most love-
able creatures I ever knew
She was of medium height and as
ht I lithe and graceful as a young willow
tree swaved by the April wind. Her
eyes were well, they were not quite
blue, but of a sort of luminous gray,
like patches of summer blue sky with
the shadow of a cloud's wing upon
them.
And her hair, wh- I can see it yet,
the clinging tresses all tangled np with
sunbeams that played hide and seek
tmong them.
There was a winsome, wistful ex
pression about the red lips and the
curving lines of her dimpled chin that
seemed to have been cast in the mould
of a smile, bo that even when some
body hurt her feelings, and the tears
came in the innocent eyes, the smile
remained on the month and chin.
Cousin Kate came to live with us
because her father was dead, and
think Grandpa was the administrator
or guardian, or something of the sort,
and looked after her property.
bhe was not very close kin, but wf
all called her Cousin Kate, because it
teemed to please her.
she never suspected that 1 was
mitten with her charms, although I
was dreaming about her every night,
and during the day wearing out my
tnife carving many a big cranky "K"
in the magnolias and sycamore trees
'n the hammock.
I used to wish that I were a man
o that I wouldn't have to take those
hateful drenches, and could marry
Cousin Kate and build mo a house on
the high hill that overlooked the river
and the hammock and the ridgy wood
lands beyond. But I was too young,
t could not have her for my own,
nd all I could do was to worship her.
Finally, as in all lovo stories, the
villain appeared upon tho scene. The
villain came in the shape of Dick Tuc
ker, who rode a big grey horse, and
wore calfskin boots and a white hat,
and possessed that fatal gift of beauty
that was demoniac to mo.
Phc-e-ew ! How I hated that man !
He was a clever enough sort of fcl
iow, I suppose; and most people liked
him very well, but I did detest him
' Oh, I a ' Td him in my eight!
j He ties- ie pretending to talk pol-
: itics with Grandpa, and he would sit
and listen to the old man's Indian war
stories for a long while. But 1 no
tice I that when Cousin Kate were out
. with a pink rose in her hair, he looked
like he wanted to eat her with his
black eyes; and he would twist his
black moustache and try to look swref,
i Then I used to go out among the
tea weeds, in the back yard, and get a
stick aod thrash the old locust tree. I
didn't cuss, then, because I was afraid
I of the Good Lord and Grandpa; but I
nsed the strongest by-word that I
could find on the borderlands of blas
phemy; aud every time I'd hit tha
tree I'd grit my teeth and mutter:
"Dogon, Dick Tucker I Dogon,
Pick Tucker! Dogon, Dick Tucker !"
At last he got so he did not stop to
listen to Grandpa, and would go over
and sit by Consin Kate, and talk to
her just as sweetly.
I finally made np my mind that I
would put a quietus on his courting
exploits. Then I proceeded to put mr j
plan into execution.
Dick was proud of his horse, and
be rode with short martingales, and a
curb bit which made the horse arch
his neck and bounce up and down in
fine style as he came galloping up the
lane. Dick always came along about
2 o'clock Sundays, and I knew that he
made his horse do that way to atrtac
Cousin Kate's attention.
I laid my plans accordingly
3.&1 ha! ha! It tickles me now to
think how I salivated him. I got me
a long horn and I loaded it like a gun.
First I put in a whole handful of
fine, light ashes to make the smoke ;
then I put down a charge of little
black pimples; then some more ashes,
and followed with pimples, until
had the horn chuck full.
There was a low place in the road
about a quarter of a mile down the
lane, and a big, green goose puddle
was there.
In the dog fennels that grew In the
fence jamb, I ensconced myself, and I
felt like some deadly assassin gloating
over anticipated revenge.
Hate nerved my arm and concen
trated jealousy strengthened iy heart.
Ah! Cousin Kate!. A few minute
would decide between man and man,
or rather boy Victor or vanquished,
I won! w -take my all on the cast of
that iioi n.
There -i a clatter of hoofs dow
the ruad. Nearer and nearer, near
and neaer, and then I caught a
glimpse of tossing mane and flowing
'ail, high boots, and white haU
Springing up I uttered a loud
" boom !" and I threw the horn at the
horse's head.
There was a snort from the horse, t
yell from the rider, and a splash in the
puddle that sent the slimy water in a
shower from one side of the road to
he other.
A riderless horse went flying down
the lane in the direction from whence
he came "buckity buckity, buckity "
as far as I could see.
But I didn't stop to see much.
Vhether I went over the fence, under
the fence or through the crack I have
never known
I looked haeii one time when I heard
a crash, and I saw the top rail break
with my frauticr pursuer, and he
and. white hat and all.
I paused not in my flight till I reached
the plum orchard, a hundred yards
away, and then I stopped to listen to
Ponchartrain, who had sneaked along
after me, and after I fired on the en
emy Ponch took after the horja and
ran him out of sight, baying at every
jump. He then flew back and made
a dash at Dick, who was trying to
keep him off with Ins hat.
As I plunged into the orchard and
stopped to listen I heard somebody
langhing fit to kill, and looking around
there lay Cousin Kate on the grass,
convulsed with laughter.
She had come down there to oat a
few green plums and salt aud had seen
the whole affair.
She didn't see me, and I slipped ont
and scooted away toward the branch
head, where I stopped and listened to
Grandpa trying to make Ponchartrain
come off.
That settled Dick Tucker's courtship.
tr i i . i v i i t l
So soon as the dot; was called off Dick
got his breath, and of all the cursing
that 1 ever heard, he did it right there.
I didn't blame him.
I was glad of it, for he had always
talked to Grandpa and Cousin Kate
like sugar wouldn't melt in his mouth ;
and I just wanted Grandpa to knofl
him in his true character.
It was late sapper time when I slunk
into the kitchen, and I felt like going
out and eating some green Chiuaber
ies to kill myself.
I just knew that Grandpa was going
to make me know that there was a
hereafter.
But 6trange to say, the old man
looked at me right straight, and then
broke out in a big laugh.
"Why, Kate, I do r'aly believe the
Soy's agwine lo git hearty. I knowed
that Jerusalem oak would do him good.
Go and take your cinders, my son, for
you're gittiu' some blood in your face
it last."
Cousin Kate gave mc a curious look,
and then I saw tho blood rush to ho
face, and she seemed to be choking t
laugh. I felt like crying until she
came and whispered:
"Don't feel bad about it. ne's so
proud and frisky that I wanted to see
him took down just a little bit, any
how." Ah, winsome Kate! long are the davs
since last we met. But when vour
prototype reads this story she will for
give me for mixing np your sweet fao.
with this ridiculous story.
Fitted to be the heroine of a sweetei
story than I can pen, your spirituelle
face shines out like a star among the
broken clouds of these ragged remi
niscences. Montgomery Folsoui.
Gen. Roseerans' Bravery.
The famous Gen. Kosecrans, who
was placed on the retired list by the
last Congress, is one of the bravest
men in Washington. Hot all of his
reputation for courage was gaineor-o,j
the battlefield, either, for he is the
only man in the capital bold enough
to walk down the street with Dr.
Mary Walker. Between the eccentric
doctor and the late Kegistcr of the
Treasury there has long existed a
strong friendship. Clerks in Gen.
Roseerans' office had become so accus
tomed to seeing the little woman in
man's attire sitting near their chief's
desk, chatting and laughing with him
most heartily, that they forgot to gos
sip about it. Dr. Mary 'V'alker has a
very sunny temper, notwithstanding
her martyr-like and unsuccessful devo
tion to her hobby, and is besides a
woman of sense and culture. Gen.
Roseerans, gallant old veteran that he
is, has no patience with the thoughtless
persons who ridicule the doctor simply
because her notions of dress do not
conform to the conventional, and has
more than once proved his sincerity
and independence by strolling a block
or two along crowded Pennsylvania
avenue in the mannish little woman's
company.
iTf" PECULIAR FACES. Mrs. Bllls-
doo-"What peculiar faces, Mrs. Bullion,
the Japanese ive the figures they put
upon their wares."
Johrny Bullion (unsolicited) "They
can't bold a candle to the faces my pop
pr puts on when mommer gives him the
bills for them."
Ate ttndek protest. "Well," said
Brown to bis iiely-marrled friend
"so your wife does the cooking. 1 won
der you are aliv? to tell the tale!"
"Ye?," replied the other, "but I am
alive alive and kicking."
ONU J5NIOYS
Both the method and reeulu when
Syrup of Figs is taken ; it is pleasant
and refreshing to the taste, and acta
gently yet promptly on the Kidneys,
4 Liver and Bowels, cleanses the sys
tern effectually, dispels colds, head
aches and fevers and cures habitual
constipation. Syrup of Figs is tba
only remedy of its kind ever pro
duced, pleasing to the taste and ao
cep table to the stomach, prompt in
its action and truly beneficial In its
effects, prepared only from the most
healthy and agreeable substances,
its many excellent qualities com
mend it to all and have made it
the most popular remedy known.
6ynip of Figs Is for sale in 60o
Md $1 bottles by all leading drug
kists. Any reliable druggist who
may not have it on hand will pro
cure h promptly for any one who
wishes to try it. Do not accept
MW atturf4ia. "
CALIFORNIA FIG SYRUP
CQ
BAN FEANCISOO, OAL.
Louisville, xt. nw Teas, v. x
The ceopte at the Worlds
Dispensary of Buffalo, N. Y,
have a Stock-taking time once
a Vdar and what do VOU think
thev do ? Count the number
..
; of bottles that ve Deen re
' turned by the men and women
!;who say that Dr. Pierce's
I !ri-.l-lnn Mfrlira1 Disrnverv or
'Dr. Pierce's Favorite Prescrip-
'tion didn't do what they
said
!it would do.
, And how many do you
ithmk they have to count,
One in ten? Not one in Jive
hundred I
Here are two remedies
one the Golden Medical Dis
icovery, for regulating and in
vigorating the liver and puniy
linsr the blood; the other, the
'hope of weakly womanhood,
'and they've been sold for
years, sold by the million bot
tles; sold under a positive
guarantee, and not one m hve
hundred can say :
" It was not the medicine for
me!"
And is there any reason
why you should be the one?
And supposing you are what
do you lose ? Absolutely
nothing
mm
LAV
POWDER
TTItrMT MrwantrlM. Doe amalL II
fcn thiui on.tt-nlh rt-nt a dnr per hn. lrcvnu mnd
mm mil dim-Mea. If yon runt crt It. we send liy mail
Kt-twid. on pM-k. fee Five $l. AM Id. rmn Sl-30;
na V Exprem paid. Testimonial f n-e. Send etamre or
irao. raJ-mere' 1-uultry i .utile i price .) free with tl.Ot
ruef or more. , n. juumua sk tu. uuaton.
ASTHMA.
Popbam's Asthma
Specino
Jives Immediate relief.
It is believer! to be the
Ket ASTHMA KemeUv
known to hiim:inftv.
Send f,)p a Trial Pack.
age r lic.r.
Mld hv Dnieirlsts.
Sent bv mall, nnttnrifrl-
forl per J!o. Addres-, THUS. 1'OPllAM '-001
uidge Avenue, r hllatlelpui.i.
8'J
713
maet'fl heftotffdl WTV A Static
enotien to cover stfl eq. :na
1IU UHi,Llulei-eirr A' A
T tPftii! I '" ttooo rar.r.nr TnnUarr 1 fin
ISllUHIA krl aVM.tLLY fr 'I W H.t t K to I UU f
it aa TalfJMA lAlaMl Ma.r t'l., T4l'OM. !!.
91. de I.esseps's Interesting Family.
M. ana Aline, de iesseps held a re
ception a few evenings ago, where the
chief attraction was the presence of all
the old man's children, the wo by his
first marriage and the eleven by his
econd. His eldest "boy" is about
fifty-five years of age, and his youngest
child, a daughter, Giai-lc, is four years
old; the age of the eldest child ia
sixty-seven. Comte de Lesseps him
self is now in his eighty-fifth year; he
is rapidly breaking np or down, but
still retains a good flow of animation
for a gentleman never at any time mer
curial. They say the failure of the
Panama Canal has never affected him ;
ha believe that his se' eme is being
victimized by a conspiracy.
An unfeeling bruth. Mrs. Tonntr
husban'l ' Even though you sneer at
at my tea biscuits you have managed to
eat your siiare of them."
Youn:;husband "nul to, my
dear. If there were any left the baby
might get hold of them. They'd kill
uioi."
ometjtino of a lib She Isn't
Doit or Anderson v?rv absent-minded'?"
He "Yes. 1 hat's why !:e never
marrlel. He vent to kiss his sweet
heart's hand once and vaccinated her
instead."
Parodoxicai,. Stern
Tarent "1
say, Mr. Softleish?"
tJoftlelfrh "Yes, Mr."
S ern Parent "You seem to stay
arourd a great deal for a man who Is so
badly 'gone as you ar."
Nature's lilesaad AMlstant.
Nothlnuba- ever yet equalled 8t. Bernard
Vegetable I'lll. to cure diwase by timuintine
torpid liver, kidney-. kln. bowels, promoting
healthy dlwtion, nutrition. Keeretlon and ex
cretion, purifvhiK the blood, building up de
creased vit:il force, removing congestions and
counteracting the causes of diaea.se. They
literally stand alone. A samnle of the .sr.
Itern.inl Vegetable Pills will be sent free to
all applicants. Address, St. Bernard, liol i416,
New York.
The skeleton of the average English
man weighs about twenty-five pounds.
If cremated, the ashes turn the scale
at about a quarter of a pound.
Guaranteed nve year eight per cent. First
Mortgages on Kansas City property. Interest
payable every six months; principal and inter
est collected wheu due ana remitted wituout
xjieu:
. Co.,
te 'o lender, for sale bv J . H. Kauerleiu
Kaunas Cii y. Mo. Write for particulars.
The horse that General Grant last
used is leaning a comfortable life on a
(arm near St. Louis, JI:., where it is
tenderly cared for.
Deafness Can't Ite Cored
by local applications, as they cannot reach the
diseased portion of the ear. There Is only one
way to cuie deafness, and that Is bv constitu
tional remedies, lvalues Is caused by an in
Hauied condition of Ihe mucous lining of the
Eustachian Tube. When this tuoe gets lu
ll allied you have a rumbling sound or In-perfei t
hearing, and when It is eniiiely closed, deaf
ness is the result, and unless the Inflammation
can be taken out and this tube restored to I s
normal c-nudlt on, hearing will be destroyed
foi ever : nine caes out of feu are caused i.v
catarrh, which Is nothing but an inflamed con-
union oi me mucous sin laces.
We will give One Hundred Dollar- for any
case of Deafness (caused ly catarrh) that we
cannot cure by taking Hall's Catarrh Cure,
hend for circulars, fiee.
, F. J. CH fcNEY & CO, Toledo, O.
Sold by druggists 7.r cents.
Parties in Nova Scotia are maklnz ar
rangements with steamship companies
or th jc i citation of live lobsters to
England.
Warm weather often causes extreme tired
feeling and debility, and in the weakened con
dition ot the system, diseases arising from Im
pure blood are liable to appear. To gain strength,
to overcome disease, and to purify, vitalize.
uiu enricn the blood, take Hood' Sarsaparilla.
A stray ca', In Wisconsin carried d't
theria into a faTiilr. a id caused the
ieath of five children.
Timber. Mineral. Farm 1 jinrts and PinM..
In Missouri, Kansas, Texas and Arkansas.
MUKlit and sold. Tvler & Co Kansas City, Mb.
Joseph Manlove is making moiev
running a water farm in Indiana. lie
alses only Hah and frogs.
CnniTft Khaiiey Cure Tor
Dropsy, Gravel, Diabetes, Bright',
i rare, Urinary or JAver Diseases, N'erv-
tisness, &c. Cure guaranteed. g3i
rch Street, Thilad'a. $1 a bottle, 6
or 5, or druggist 1000 certificates o
ures. Try It.
The operation of cutting diamonds
omprises three phases- splitting, sliap
g anJ polishing.
Jlaffl let ed with tore eyas use Dr. IsaaaTbimp.
on 'sEye-water. Drucg-ista sell at SSo. per DJitlj
A western cowboy committed sulcid.
icause a thirteen-year-old girl refuse'
marry him
HUMOROUS.
Precaution measure. Maria s
Inquired Mr. Billus, "what kind ot a
girl is this second cousin of yours Uiai
coming to visit us?"
"I don't know much about her.' an
swered Mrs. Billus. '-except that she
is said to be a quite pretty, and where
are you gome, John?',
"I am going to take that rug irotn
the libary floor and put it down in front
of the big looking-glass,"
t m
TOO MANY FINGERS IN THK FIE.
She "What, you love me? Why, yon
do not know enough about me yet
He (having seen her fa her's rating
in Bradstreet) ,I know enough to love
you and ask you to be my wife."
She "Ah, if you knew all you would
not ask that."
lie "What, Is yonr heart in the
grave?"
She "No, but I bare nine younger
sisters.
A NKW YORK CLARA VERE DE VEBE.
Miss. Van Wirt "No, Lord North
bury, I could never marry you. Your
are not my equal."
Lord North bury "Not your equal 1
Why. the blood of the Flantagenets
couises in ay veins. When your great
grandfather was a pretty Du ch trader,
mine was sitting In the House of Lords."
Miss Van Wirt "Yes, but when
your preat-g rand father was sitting in
the Iloufe of Lords, mine was Duylng
up town lots on Broadway."
Abtful jack. "Why didn't you
write oftener in answere to my letters,
jackf" blie asked, tearfully.
'-Because, dearest," he temarked,
"yours were so long and interesting
that I spent all the time reading thorn.
Poisoned
by Scrofula
Is tae sad story of many lives madi miserable
through no fault of their own. Scrofula is more
espec ally than any other s hereditary disease,
and fur tills simple reason: arising from Im
pure aud Insufficient blood, the disease locates
itself in the lymphatics, which are composed
of white tissues; there is a period of foetal life
when the whole body eonIsts of white tissues.
and therefore the unborn child la especially
susceptible to this dreadful disease. But there
is a remedy for scrofula, whether hereditary
or acquired It Is ilqod's barsaparilla, which
by Its powerful effect upon the blood, expels
every trace of the disease and gives to the vital
fluid the quality and color of health. If you
decide to take Hood a Sarsapar 11a do not ac
cept any substitute.
Hood's Sarsaparilla
Sold by all drueelsts. 1 : six for . Prepared
only by C. I. HOOD 4 CO., Lowell. Mans.
IOO Doae One Dollar
Floored. The Duchess of Sliam-
ccMl(ly-'Oiir Engll-h girls are more at
true' I veto men than your American
girls."
JUJss Manhattan "How is It then
that your men s em to prefer American
wlvesf"
Tfce Duchess "The exp'anMon in
those exceptional cases is simply that
the Ilnmeo needs money. "
ilisi Manhattan '-Then how is It
that American millionaire don't marry
some of your English Juliets 1"'
One Thousand Dollar.
I will forfeit the above amount. If I fall to
prove that Floraiilexiim isthe best medicine In
existence for uyspepsia. Indigestion or Bilious
ness. t is a certain cure, and atlords Immedi
ate relief, in causes 01 Kidney aud Liver i.'o it-
Idaint, Nervous lwbility and Consumption.
lor:ii!exioii builds up the weak system and
cures where other remedies fail. Ask vour
dniKUist lor It and get well. Valuable book
TIiuiks Vorth Knowing," also, sample 1k, tie
sent free: all cliarxes prepaid. AsVire
i ranklin Hark 88 Warren Street iew YCrk.
Mrs. Jacob Benton, of Lane tster' X.
IT., gas been an invalid for over fiv
years. During that time she has learned
to speak and write firs language
Tt Tea Ever Saeealatef
invMMin aeniiwj as tnelr nsmfl kn1 a1-
dretui wll receive information that will Wl
to a f .rtu-ie. HenJ. Uevrim S xwourity
BuUdintf, Kanaaa C nr. .uu
STOLE A CRAVB.
Cortrals't Tough Stortee
Missouri Regiment.
Capt. O. D. Evans of reorla was a
nember of the Grand Army committee
which inspected the soldier's home the
other day, says the Quincy Whig,
and while reminiscencing with a party
of friends told a couple of stories to
explain the manner in which the
Eighth Missouri infantry gained the
reputation of beingr the biggest thieves
in the army. On one of their marches
they passed a plantation and in a sort
of a lean-to against a cabin close to
the road an old necrro woman was
cooking corn pone and bacon. Just as
the head of the regiment got abreast
of the shanty auntie went Into the
house for something or other and one
of the boys slipped into the lean-to on
a foraging expedition. He examined
the stove and then called out disgust
edly :
'Boys, here's some might? .rood
grub, but it isn't half cooked."
"Hold on a minute: we'll helo vou."
was the response, and he was ioined
by a couple of his comrades. Then
they picked up the stove, bacon, corn
pone, and all. dumped it into a wagon,
piled in some wood, and went on,
bound to have some "might p-ood
grub" when it was cooked.
Ihey did not confine their thievinc
propensities to things to eat On an
other occasion the Eighth Wisconsin
was camped some distance balnw
Mnmphis on the bank of the river,
and, one of their number havlnff died.
they dug a grave in which to bury
him. While the Bndeers were attanri-
ng to the funeral services the Mis-
Bourians came down the river in a
transport and landed to give Christian
burial to a comrade who had suc
cumbed to a wound received in a skirm
ish the day before. They found the
new-made grave, buried their dead in
it. nnd left In a few minutes the
Wisconsin boys came along with re
versed arms and muffled drums, and.
seeing the little mound of fresh earth,
one of them exclaimed: "By-George,
somebody has stole our grave." And
they dug a new one.
It was the Eighth Missouri which
is eaid to have created the basis for
1 story credited to half the regiments
in the service:
They had been in camp several days
at some place in Tennessee when an
nraged farmer complained to the
colonel that his men had robbed him
ot half hia chickens.
"How many chickens did you have?"
asked the officer.
"Fifty."
"And how many were taken?"
"Twenty-eight"
"Then my men didn't have anything
'o do with your chickens, my good sic
ou are on the wrong traiL"
"But I know they did."
"Oh, but I know they didn't If
-hoy had they would have taken every
blamed chicken on the roost"
WON'DElia OF SCIENCE Ldy "Do
you take inttautan ous photograph?"
Photographer "Yes, madam; lean
photograph a humming-bird on th
lnz, or a swallow in its flight,"
Lady "I want my baby's pi Hurt
Jitken."
1'hotofrapboe "Yes, madam,
'lelitt'e fellow ready, and I will
are the chloroform."
Get
pre-
Albany, Oregon bas a pnmpkla weigh
ing 104 pounds.
FOR FIFTY YEARS.
ific S. S. S. has
Swifts Speci
Considered
medicine.
For over
fifty years,
it has been
curing all
gorts of b'ood
trouble from
a ordinary
Mr. Henry V.
Wast Va-. ey! no oon"u'" "'"
"of tcroful. by S. S. S.. on. of
the most wonderful on record. H
ad the disease of the worst type
all his life until he was 32 year, of
ase. and his whole youth was em
b"tt.red by It. Of course h. had
all sorte of treatment, but nothing
benefited him permanently until
he took S. S. S. which cleansed the
poison from his eystem. and cured
him sound and well."
oimDle to the
worse types
r
Cold in me tirau "
It is an Ointment,
nostrils. I rice, our-
THF POSITIVE CUKI
vr v KRirrnrntil. ss Vum
How Does She Manage It.
Just how the fashionable woman
Who appears night after night clad in
a tulle drees, kid gloves and slippers,
and a pearl necklace, manages to es
cape pneumonia must ever remain a
problem to vex and bother the doctor
land philosopher. These lovely creat
ures are certainly endowed with great
endurance, wnatever may be said of
their sense. Perhaps, as Carlyle said,
"Vanity is warmer than down, and
'pride rivals the robe of ermine." But
to get at facts, the question was put to
a pretty little creature, who never read
a line of the sage. "I don't feel cold
at all," she said, "in evening dress.
Just before dressing I bathe my neck,
arms and shoulders in glycerine and
rose water, and after drying with a
coarse towel, I have my maid rub me
down with alcohol. 1 don't need thie
at all, but I do it to please papa. 1
think, however, it is a good idea, for
my flesh never gels goosey, and this
is my second teason, aud I haven't
had a cold yet.- Then I always wear
a warm wrap in the carriage, and
when I get home I take a warm bath
aud go to bed." ew York Star.
Takiko ms temperature. The
orator had talked for half an hour.
"Oh, enme on; let's go," said Bag
ly. "Wait until be gets warmed up to his
subject " whispered Bailey.
An hour later B: gley sal': "Well
he's warmed up now; let's go."
"Can't you wait until the man cools
down some?"
Money Invested In choice one hundred dol
lar building lots In suburbs of Kansas City will
pay from Ave hundred to one thousand per
cent, the next few years under our plan.
eah and ." per month without Interest con
trols a desirable lot. Particulars on applica
tion. J. li. B-iuerlem & Co Kansas City, Alo.
Ti e r&mous Adel-berg srotto on the
roid to Trieste, Italy, was r ceutlv ex
pl ret7, wuen disc very was ma 'e of two
ther grottos a d a number of rorridnrs
couufiiuiiicaung with the pnnci;.lo grot-
10.
II 11 pi 11 re curei.uariiii(cel by
Dr. J. B. Mayer, S31 Aicti St., i'hll'a,
l'a. Kase at occe, no operation or de
lay from business, attested by thou
sands ol curet after others tail, advice
tree, send for circular.
At bltka, Alaska, the shortest d u in
ti e year, D cember 21, Is oniv six hours
long, t'e sun rial: cr at nine and tetiins
at three. The longest dav. une 21. a
eighteen hou-s, the sun riaiuir at three
aud setting at nine.
FITS : A3 Fits siopped rre oj Dr. KMne'i'lrnaC
hrve Kevtorer. faaFitaafter Drat day's use. Mar
velous cure. 'II emue aod N-Ou trial oottia (raa it
tltuuea, fceDdioUr. kitne.sol Area at. fuua.,fa,
It has been suggested that a rood wav
to rid a town ot moths would be to set
up a powerful e'ectric licht on the out
skirts. The moth has jr. Instinctive
fondness for light, and esDeciallv the
electri 3 light.
J-ee Wa's Chinese Headaehe. rhiro
In effect, nuick aud misitiva In act!,... u..,t
prepaid on recelptof il per bottle. Allele.' & Co
5! Wyandotte St., Kausas City, Mi.
Shb got a skbvakt. Husband
(married one year) "Why, Etta, what
has become of your wedding ring?''
it wore it out."
H usbaud "iiow could you wear it
out?"
Wife "Doing tbr. housework."
Did yon ever go within a mile of a soap fae
ton t If so y..u know wh it material thev m iii
soap of. liolibn s' Electric Soap factory is as
iiimu wiur as a euair lactory. Try It once
Ask your grocer for It. Take no Imitation.
A writer 'n the London spectator
thlbks that if parrots could be made to
breed in eap'lvity, the parent birds
might teach their young to talk, jii8t as
the canaries teach their accomplishment
10 w eir utue ones.
An Extended Popularity. Bkown's Bron
chial Ti.ociiEShave for many years oeen tne
most popular article in use for relieving Courtis
and Throat troubles. k k
John Hanson Craig, of Danville, Ind. ,
weighs over 600 pounds
Fraaor Axle Urease.
Don't work your horses to death with
poor axle grease; tbe Frazer is the only re
liable make. Use it once, and jou will
have no other.
A new toy for children Is a plain sheet
ot paper on w Lich the figure of some
Dlmal has been traced wii h an Invisible
and tire-proof solution. The paper is
set on lire on the edge, and it burnsaway.
leaving the figure intact.
Oklahoma tJu'rte Boo a vid Ma
Man sent anywhere
o., Kansas City. Mo.
u receipt ol oucts. Tyler
A woman in New York City furnish
es love letters at $1 apiece.
Wpmin Her Diseases an! Their Treat
ment " a valuable Illustrated book of seventy
two paues sent free, on re.-etiit of 10c.. to cover
j:hitaPa"Ug'etC' AdJ,ess' r- - Bo
After forty years of immoral ,n ;
the wuters of the pool or Echoschaclit
not far from Hermannstadt. several
numati uouies nave beeu brought to
suiiace in a fciate of
vatinri.
perfect pres r-
$1,000 REWARD!
The above reward will be paid for proof of
JfM0,?".1 '8 6AEOLTNG0IL or better
TATlilledycore;yASr W0
JOHN UOOUE,Hee'y,
Merchant's Gargling oil
Loekport, N. Y V. 8. A.
BEECH AM 'SPILLS
ON A WEAK STOMACH.
25 Cents a Box.
OP ALL DRUCCISJTS.
a record enjoyed by noother
Wonderful.
8. a. s.
IS
PURELY
AND
IS HARM
LKtS
TO TH
MOST
DELICATE
CHILD.
Smith, of Bjalmont.
of sorofula and
blood poison.
jjttmrrtT'Ciric CO.. ATLvrr. 4.
Easiest to use.
certain, for
nt, of wblrh a small partle.e Is sppl.
Be? e M by dnitrstst or ent by stall.
ed to tna U
r-jRi JO'S
St Wew York. Price SO cta.1
3d
The Cod
That Help to Cure
The Cold.
The disagreeable
taste or the
COD UYER OIL
is dissipated in
COWS
or Pure Cod Liver Oil with
HYPOPHOSPHITES
OF IJMB .AJSTI3 BODA.4I
The patient suffering from
CONSUMPTION,
nnorniTi. foi gh, told, or
WATIf DISEASE, mar takv tli
reraMy with as much satisfaction as be
would take milk. Physicians are prescribing-
It ereryirhere. It is a perfect Ulna,
aad a woaderful llesh prodaifr. Tnhen other
FOR FIFTY YEARS 1
MRS. , WINSLOW'S
SOOTHING SYRUP
hn been nw. hf mothers for their children
while Teetltinfr far over Fifty Yer. It
tot tie tiie 01 Jlfl, ftoftetis the jrum. ally
all pain, cure wtnd colic, ana la the best
retuvlv for diarrhoea.
Twenty-five Centa a Bt tie.
-VASELINE-
FOR A OXE.nni.hAR BIl.I.Mtns by Ban
we will dellT. t. free o. all chanrea, to any perns
the Unit d states, ail ot the fouowuis artlcta. Gain
fully jacka :s
One twooonee bottle of Pure Vaaellne, 10
One twcout.ee hoitle of Vaaellne Pomade, - IS"
One jar of Vaseline Co!l S'mam. .... - 1
One . . k of Vanellse Camj-hor lee. - ... ID"
One Cake of Vajteline soap, nnacenteri,
Cne ake of VawliM Soap, exqnlattely aoeated.B
Oo (wo-punoe bou of Whit Vsanllna, - - a
Or for pttrntoor ar-tmp any rtnoir arUeU at tkt rH
named. On no account e ptmaAmi to acnes from
ynvrdrumist any Vaseline or preparation Utmfnm
ttnlna labelled tcitK oxr naaie. beeaum yoa will na
tat'nly reewtf ve an Imitation wntan ham Httlm ornovaimt
t beaehreuBk IH. !'., -H rmt tit., N. V.
I prescribe and tally en
dorse Big J as the only
specific for the certain cur
of tbls dineaaa.
O. If. IN U RA H A If . It. D,
Amsterdam, N. y.
We bare sold Blf U toa
many years, and It uaj
riven tba bast of sa;ia
faction.
IX. B. DTCTTK CO.
Chlrmfo. I:",
S!-Mf. RcldhT Hi-nrr1
Urt aaly by tba
OlnanaatiJ
'rt4'C'r-.,
A XMAS HEALTH GIFT
(Exerciser Complete $8)
la Best or Au. Cmcvuui Faac.
Books: For "An Ideal Coraplexioa
A Complete rhysical Development."
mills jacts. "Health Strength la
rnviicai mitore," 40 111, - eta. Chart i
39 tils for Dumb Sells A Pulleys. eta.
Ad. 1N0. E. O0WO S Vocal A Physical
Culture school, 116 Monroe St ChiCigS
FRAZER
AXLE
GREASE
KKST IX THE WU1U.U.
It wearing quilitle are unsurpassed, act
ally outlasting t o boxes of auy other bnnd.
I uecl4 W 7-lT THIC QiiSU-
fUK SALK BIT DEALERS UKN Kit ALLY.
CRATEFUL COMFORTfNQ.
'MFORTlNQ.
COCOA
BREAKFAST.
Hy a thorono-b kn.iwmi rn r k. ..., i-
wtalcu (torern the operations of digestion and autre
tkm, ana by a careful application of the fine proper
ties of well-eelected Cocoa, Mr. Epps has provided
our breakfast tallies with a delicately flavoured bev
erage which ma. nave us Biauy heavy doctors' oil la.
lllaoy the Judicioiu use ot ucb articles of diet
that aoon.utution may be gradually built np nnt.1
strung enough to resist ever, tendency to disease.
Hundreds of subtle maladies are floating around nt
ready to attack wherever there is a weak point
W e may escape many a fatal shaft by keeping our
selves well fortllle.1 with pure blood ud a properly
nourished frame." "cei .Service OaaeMe.
Made almply with bollln water or milk. SoU
l.hJa'CV,n1 "" b Urooers, labelled thus:
A.Ha.s V CO., Hixn-eopauUo Chemists,
-. 1-OMK). KMtl.Su.
NEW LAW CLAIMS.
Ap,7MilQRtETeiiSCi
Attorneys. MIA f St Washlartea. I. C.
branch OIBcea. Cleveland. Detroit. Chlcage.
PATENTS!
instnKwooa rvesj
l Inventere.
Write at ouoe roe
hand -book ot la
formation.
J. B.
CKALI.K A: CO.,
Wa.hiostoa, !.!,
THE BEST BROODER
Cver tnTvntti for ralft'nn chicks; only $.1. AridrtM
Ci. rt. S IS tii t-.K. ardmton. O., or c4 cmar.
I'eiiiiiajt-.uifv Arithmetic. snort-tiai.O.ctc
tuorou
luoroiitfnlv taught hv uiir r-
Bry-mt'a ttl rgf, 457 Haip st HuftaUx N. Y
ft Successfully Prosecutes Claims.
Lt Principal fcximinerlj.S " nl B JrTTS
I iyn in lit, war, u .11,, yrym nj MlAf
ITS
STOPPED FREE
ID! KLINE'S GREA
Tl.sit.a t. D.-a 3
for ail nAia NmK in,...,. h,.M
Jnr Arrtm Affectum, jr,- Fui.m. -t.
I !2i.rri!T"'C2??r P caanw a b
r-OT.lrad. en4 nim.. f 1 1 - I . . .
araii-iad Da. KLINK. 931 Arch SL, Pii.?Tuurr'a.
DflllilT KNrFv rosmvEt.TKtteEi.trf
ColiJeei n H,rr Aniherst. and ..tUr
WW ,f - ? 'r"''"in,,' ,nJ ""sines, men evc.y-
Itox 2407. ttilla , Pa.
PATENTS
I.KHMtNN.
Doss
Ycur
EAD-ACHE?
Are You
Kervousl
BROW
nCCIT7Cfi iA
U OLLIttil GUARANTEED CURE
Trial
ilULSH
QnmniMmA sXM tS)
v1
a. .1,1
m
BILL leVior"- w"n-n. Roys, tvry-pernTmeniiTf-
k-1 r,rm wan' VJ0,ut ner'- ns
v b 1 a I1K.HALD
1 0c.BiL. HS
' i t ,
v trrati',n"' '"'rayrti"