"A ' . V " ' - ' ' " iF'l J JMY BEST GlMS BIG PIE. EEly Button Hu an Awfol Adrentur X Christmas Tokun. Th XlafortnBM Which Attended El At- (enst to Carry a Big Pi and a XJttle Pie Sob U a Car Jut to FImm Sla Utt) 01x1, . ILLY BUTTON'S best srlrl Is one of those nice little "home bodies" who thinks It must be at fullv lonesome for a fellow to be bacehlor. If Billy was making a little more money he wouldn't be a bacehlor cinch loncer. It grieved her tender little soul as Christmas time approached to think that Billy would have no homemade Die. without which there can be no proper celebration of the day. She couldn't ask him to her house to dinner because her father disagreed with Billy even worse than the pie probably would. He allowed Billy to oall once In awhile, but such a formal recogni tion as a Christmas invitation was no t to be thought of. So she determined to make a pie with her own fair handa. and let Hilly take It home wltn him. Thus It happened that when Billy ven tured to make one of those rare visits to her house he found her standing in her parlor waiting for him. holding the pie in both hands and gazing over its expansive upper crust with a look that went straight to Billy's heart. It was an affecting scene. "Billy," she said, with tears in her eyes, "take this as a little token or my love. It was a very big pie, for the little girl had kept thinking how much she loved Billy all the time she was de signing It, and every time one of his good qualities occurred to her she en larged the size of the plate that the pie was to be baked in. so that when it was finally executed and baked by stealth in tee family kitchen It was about th size of a grindstone, and the clung bad made a serious inroad up on the family stock of mincemeat. Now, Billy loves this young lady to tiiat extent that he would love tie or anything else for her sake, but she couldn't produce a similar effect on the pie. and he knew it If there is one thing that Billy can't eat without dreaming of green dragons with sky blue tails, that thing is mince pie. But he wouldn't tell her so; oh, no! He took the pie and set it on a table, and then he proceeded to ad mire it, and to tell her how hollow and unsatisfactory were all restaurant pies, and how much he had longed for just such a great, glorious pie as t.iat. But he ventured to suggest that it would be a difficult thing to carry home. The girl lives in the far end of Brooklyn and Billy is a New Yorker. He fell to praising the pie again, and said that he could hardly refrain from eating it right then and there. Then she said she needn't break Into that pie and spoil its personal appearance because she had a smaller one in the pantry that he could have right away, l'oor fellow, he must be hungry: he was looking right thin; they didn't feed him well at his boarding-house. So she hurried off to get the small pie, and Billy sat there won- flerlng whether to lose his girl by re fusing the pie or to lose his life by eat ing it. He finally decided that it would be gross egotism to hold his life of more importance than his love and when she appeared with the smaller pie he was ready for the sacrifloe. He ate It all and asked If he couldn't keep fight on and eat the big one; but she mtled, as a woman always does when man has complimented her cooking at the expense of his digestive machin ery, and told him that his health was the subject of her eternal solicitude, and she couldn't on any consideration allow him to eat more th n one mince pie after 9 o'clock in the evening. They occupied the remainderof the time in wrapping up the large pie so that It would not give itself away and make foolish people laugh. Neither of them were very expert at doing ud bundles, and their earlier efforts were opt productive of good results either lo their tempers or to the pie, but at last Billy hit upon a great idea. He put an enormous piece of paper right Dver the top of the rile, and rolled up Ihe ends underneath so that the whole had the desired effect of a gigantic bouquet, and in that form he bore it iway. hen he got on board the L train there were few people in the car, and be congratulated hiinself accordingly. He secured one of thecros seats, and 11 to himself, and as the weight of the pie was formidable he ventured to put it down on the vacant seat beside bim, steadying it against the back. Then he le.inel hi- head against the ilde of the car and heaved a sigh of relief as he settled into a comfortable position. He knew that pie which he had avten was already setting tho scenery br frightfulnlghtmare pantomimes.but the big pie had weighted heavier on lis mind than the little one had on his itAmai-h aa vat a.n.4 V. ... I - jvm, atuu 1.110 Clftso WILLI I ntch he was managing It soothed him ' M6rfulljr. The monotonous rtvttia f the car wheels came to h5 sleepy Mrs like a slumber son?, tci before he knew it he was dozing. He came lo himself with a start a. the train lowed at a station, and was just In iimeto catch his "bouquet" sliding to ward the floor. He replaced it more Irmly and afara lay back in his place. Then It seemed to Billy that an Utxipether unnecessary number of eople were boarding the train. And very body who came in eyed the minoe lie. Several youn men were par icularl seijive. "Ha, ha!1' said one of them, h. thinks he's fixed that pie to look like i bouquet, but I can smell the hard cider Then he poked his cane at the pie, and his companion barked. This in sult to his best girl's mincemeat mad Billy 8 Tlood boil, but somehow couldn't do anything V resent it. While he was resolving to get ven-1 geance a big man came along and sal ' down on the pie. Then he arose and began to abuse Billy for leaving it in the way. This was adding insult to injury, but Billy's bashfulnss about the pie had sapped his courage and hi . could find no words to reply. Instead, i he grabbed the unfortunate pie and hurried into another car. This appear- , ed to be full of pretty girls, and they , all giggled in unison when Billy cams in with his load. Every seat was oc- j eupled, and Billy had to stand up and i be stared at. The pie was so big that Billy had to hold tt in both hands, so he couldn't hold on to the strap. Con sequently, when the train went round a sudden curve Billy sat down in a girl's lap. She stuck a shawl-pin Into his back, and he arose almost as ab I ruptly as he had sat down. He was about to ask her ironi cally if she wacted him to take that as ' a proposal when the train reached the bridge, and everybody hurried out In the confusion umbrellas, canes and elbows innumerable were punched through the pie, and it was badly wrecked when Billy reached the bridge car. The crowd which had filed out of the train crowded the bridge car, and everybody appeared to have heard of Billy and his pie. Girls tittered and whispered criticisms about the pieman as he walked aboard. It seemed an endless journey across, aud in the L train on the other side things were no better. A series of grotesque and humiliating adventures attended his progress up town, and when he alight ed in Harlem he was in a condition half way between profanity and hysteria. i 1 he street through which he had to pass had always been dark, but he never had known it so black as on this particuar occasion. He was glad to have the pie shrouded in this welcome gloom, but the unusual darkness sug gested sandbaggers. The fear of these industrious but inconsiderate people had no sooner crossed his mind than he heard whispering voices behind him: 'Get onto de cove." said one. 'Pipe de blooming bundle dat he's a-carryin' so careful. Must be full o' swag." "Le s do him up," said another. I'll club de life out of him while vou collar de boodle. See?" Billy tried to run and struggled to get voice enough to howl police, but before he could do either he felt the deadly sandbag knock his hat to ever lasting ruin Hnd then he sank upon the pavement while the pie was wrenched from his hand. A dizziness ctme over him. Ha closed his eyes. There was a murmur of voices in his ears. Suddenly hi: eyes flew open upain and he saw, not the courtroom, but the interior of the car on the Brooklyn line. A crowd of people were staring at him. and one of them supported the con ductor, who stood there with his face covered with mincemeat and the under crust of the enormous pie around hi neck. "Young feller," said the conductoi, as he wiped the mincemeat out of his eye, "you'll pay for this. Here I was trying to do you a favor by waking you up at the bridge and you slammed a thousand pounds of chopped dog down on top of my head." "I tried to explain that I had been dreaming on that confounded piece of pie which I had eaten," said Billy when he related this story to me, "but the conductor wouldn't have it 1 spent the night in a cell and paid $10 and costs the next day. I wouldn't mind the fine if I hadn't broken that plate. The little girl will surely find out about it when I have to tell her I can't return the plate. She wouldn't have known any other way, for of course I gave an assumed name at the st.tion, where I was charged with drunkenness.disoruerly conduct and as sault and battery, but" "Whose name did you give?" "Why, the first one I thought of," Billy replied; "yours, you know.". Howard Fielding, in Dallas News. The Point of View. Sonnet to an American Girl by a Member of the Chlne-e Leatlon. Why does my heart permit thy gentle sway? iu utjo.- my nuei arc in tbv la -e; How tint hoj hast, alas, like thy race. Aud yet I love ttwe; struma though I may. I may. mic jarj mui round. a bmUh (tray (But null they suit) seem to bid me urge mj They are not shaped like lovely almond fruit, Set in thy face aslant the only way Tiiat can be right Xhy lro and mannish walk Tells of no dwarfin?. waddle causing shoe; Thy feet are Ion and slender, sad to view. More like a man's ti.au woman's vet I talk Of thy dear self from morn till dewy eve My vows of love, sweet heathen, pray re ceive. Done into English by Charles Battel Loo in is. Cerp.lent Boorish Beauty. The Moors have extraordinary idea concerning female beauty. They fancy an oily skin, teeth projecting beyond the lips, pointed nails an inch long and a figure so corpulent that two per sons putting their arms around the wuist could scarcely make their fingers touch. A woman of modern prelen sions to beauty needs a slave under each arm to support her as she walks, and a perfect belle carries weight enough to load a camel. Mothers are so anxious to have their daughters at tain this unweildy size that they make them eat a great quantity of millet pudding and drink several bowls of camel's milk a d.iy. Mungo Park said he has seen a poor girl sit crying for more than an hour with the bowl at her lips, while her mother stood over her with a stick and beat her whenever she perceived that she was not swal 'owing. The Moors marry at a very early ge, and wives are always purchased. The father of the girl cannot refuse an offer unless there is some stain on th young man's character. IX a wife does not become the mother of a son she may be divorced by the husband The mother of many sons is held' in the highest respeot and Is never suffer , . - , . - cd to perform " men! office. -8s Jy swassssassswa MY LOVE AFFAIR It is a terrible misfortune lur a bov to fall in love It was my first case, and it went .nighty hard with me I sometimes hare wished that it had Deen my last. Bat you would have fallen in lore just as hopelessly as I did, had you known Cousin Kate. In all serious ness and saciedness I make this asser tion, for she was oue of the most love- able creatures I ever knew She was of medium height and as ht I lithe and graceful as a young willow tree swaved by the April wind. Her eyes were well, they were not quite blue, but of a sort of luminous gray, like patches of summer blue sky with the shadow of a cloud's wing upon them. And her hair, wh- I can see it yet, the clinging tresses all tangled np with sunbeams that played hide and seek tmong them. There was a winsome, wistful ex pression about the red lips and the curving lines of her dimpled chin that seemed to have been cast in the mould of a smile, bo that even when some body hurt her feelings, and the tears came in the innocent eyes, the smile remained on the month and chin. Cousin Kate came to live with us because her father was dead, and think Grandpa was the administrator or guardian, or something of the sort, and looked after her property. bhe was not very close kin, but wf all called her Cousin Kate, because it teemed to please her. she never suspected that 1 was mitten with her charms, although I was dreaming about her every night, and during the day wearing out my tnife carving many a big cranky "K" in the magnolias and sycamore trees 'n the hammock. I used to wish that I were a man o that I wouldn't have to take those hateful drenches, and could marry Cousin Kate and build mo a house on the high hill that overlooked the river and the hammock and the ridgy wood lands beyond. But I was too young, t could not have her for my own, nd all I could do was to worship her. Finally, as in all lovo stories, the villain appeared upon tho scene. The villain came in the shape of Dick Tuc ker, who rode a big grey horse, and wore calfskin boots and a white hat, and possessed that fatal gift of beauty that was demoniac to mo. Phc-e-ew ! How I hated that man ! He was a clever enough sort of fcl iow, I suppose; and most people liked him very well, but I did detest him ' Oh, I a ' Td him in my eight! j He ties- ie pretending to talk pol- : itics with Grandpa, and he would sit and listen to the old man's Indian war stories for a long while. But 1 no tice I that when Cousin Kate were out . with a pink rose in her hair, he looked like he wanted to eat her with his black eyes; and he would twist his black moustache and try to look swref, i Then I used to go out among the tea weeds, in the back yard, and get a stick aod thrash the old locust tree. I didn't cuss, then, because I was afraid I of the Good Lord and Grandpa; but I nsed the strongest by-word that I could find on the borderlands of blas phemy; aud every time I'd hit tha tree I'd grit my teeth and mutter: "Dogon, Dick Tucker I Dogon, Pick Tucker! Dogon, Dick Tucker !" At last he got so he did not stop to listen to Grandpa, and would go over and sit by Consin Kate, and talk to her just as sweetly. I finally made np my mind that I would put a quietus on his courting exploits. Then I proceeded to put mr j plan into execution. Dick was proud of his horse, and be rode with short martingales, and a curb bit which made the horse arch his neck and bounce up and down in fine style as he came galloping up the lane. Dick always came along about 2 o'clock Sundays, and I knew that he made his horse do that way to atrtac Cousin Kate's attention. I laid my plans accordingly 3.&1 ha! ha! It tickles me now to think how I salivated him. I got me a long horn and I loaded it like a gun. First I put in a whole handful of fine, light ashes to make the smoke ; then I put down a charge of little black pimples; then some more ashes, and followed with pimples, until had the horn chuck full. There was a low place in the road about a quarter of a mile down the lane, and a big, green goose puddle was there. In the dog fennels that grew In the fence jamb, I ensconced myself, and I felt like some deadly assassin gloating over anticipated revenge. Hate nerved my arm and concen trated jealousy strengthened iy heart. Ah! Cousin Kate!. A few minute would decide between man and man, or rather boy Victor or vanquished, I won! w -take my all on the cast of that iioi n. There -i a clatter of hoofs dow the ruad. Nearer and nearer, near and neaer, and then I caught a glimpse of tossing mane and flowing 'ail, high boots, and white haU Springing up I uttered a loud " boom !" and I threw the horn at the horse's head. There was a snort from the horse, t yell from the rider, and a splash in the puddle that sent the slimy water in a shower from one side of the road to he other. A riderless horse went flying down the lane in the direction from whence he came "buckity buckity, buckity " as far as I could see. But I didn't stop to see much. Vhether I went over the fence, under the fence or through the crack I have never known I looked haeii one time when I heard a crash, and I saw the top rail break with my frauticr pursuer, and he and. white hat and all. I paused not in my flight till I reached the plum orchard, a hundred yards away, and then I stopped to listen to Ponchartrain, who had sneaked along after me, and after I fired on the en emy Ponch took after the horja and ran him out of sight, baying at every jump. He then flew back and made a dash at Dick, who was trying to keep him off with Ins hat. As I plunged into the orchard and stopped to listen I heard somebody langhing fit to kill, and looking around there lay Cousin Kate on the grass, convulsed with laughter. She had come down there to oat a few green plums and salt aud had seen the whole affair. She didn't see me, and I slipped ont and scooted away toward the branch head, where I stopped and listened to Grandpa trying to make Ponchartrain come off. That settled Dick Tucker's courtship. tr i i . i v i i t l So soon as the dot; was called off Dick got his breath, and of all the cursing that 1 ever heard, he did it right there. I didn't blame him. I was glad of it, for he had always talked to Grandpa and Cousin Kate like sugar wouldn't melt in his mouth ; and I just wanted Grandpa to knofl him in his true character. It was late sapper time when I slunk into the kitchen, and I felt like going out and eating some green Chiuaber ies to kill myself. I just knew that Grandpa was going to make me know that there was a hereafter. But 6trange to say, the old man looked at me right straight, and then broke out in a big laugh. "Why, Kate, I do r'aly believe the Soy's agwine lo git hearty. I knowed that Jerusalem oak would do him good. Go and take your cinders, my son, for you're gittiu' some blood in your face it last." Cousin Kate gave mc a curious look, and then I saw tho blood rush to ho face, and she seemed to be choking t laugh. I felt like crying until she came and whispered: "Don't feel bad about it. ne's so proud and frisky that I wanted to see him took down just a little bit, any how." Ah, winsome Kate! long are the davs since last we met. But when vour prototype reads this story she will for give me for mixing np your sweet fao. with this ridiculous story. Fitted to be the heroine of a sweetei story than I can pen, your spirituelle face shines out like a star among the broken clouds of these ragged remi niscences. Montgomery Folsoui. Gen. Roseerans' Bravery. The famous Gen. Kosecrans, who was placed on the retired list by the last Congress, is one of the bravest men in Washington. Hot all of his reputation for courage was gaineor-o,j the battlefield, either, for he is the only man in the capital bold enough to walk down the street with Dr. Mary Walker. Between the eccentric doctor and the late Kegistcr of the Treasury there has long existed a strong friendship. Clerks in Gen. Roseerans' office had become so accus tomed to seeing the little woman in man's attire sitting near their chief's desk, chatting and laughing with him most heartily, that they forgot to gos sip about it. Dr. Mary 'V'alker has a very sunny temper, notwithstanding her martyr-like and unsuccessful devo tion to her hobby, and is besides a woman of sense and culture. Gen. Roseerans, gallant old veteran that he is, has no patience with the thoughtless persons who ridicule the doctor simply because her notions of dress do not conform to the conventional, and has more than once proved his sincerity and independence by strolling a block or two along crowded Pennsylvania avenue in the mannish little woman's company. iTf" PECULIAR FACES. Mrs. Bllls- doo-"What peculiar faces, Mrs. Bullion, the Japanese ive the figures they put upon their wares." Johrny Bullion (unsolicited) "They can't bold a candle to the faces my pop pr puts on when mommer gives him the bills for them." Ate ttndek protest. "Well," said Brown to bis iiely-marrled friend "so your wife does the cooking. 1 won der you are aliv? to tell the tale!" "Ye?," replied the other, "but I am alive alive and kicking." ONU J5NIOYS Both the method and reeulu when Syrup of Figs is taken ; it is pleasant and refreshing to the taste, and acta gently yet promptly on the Kidneys, 4 Liver and Bowels, cleanses the sys tern effectually, dispels colds, head aches and fevers and cures habitual constipation. Syrup of Figs is tba only remedy of its kind ever pro duced, pleasing to the taste and ao cep table to the stomach, prompt in its action and truly beneficial In its effects, prepared only from the most healthy and agreeable substances, its many excellent qualities com mend it to all and have made it the most popular remedy known. 6ynip of Figs Is for sale in 60o Md $1 bottles by all leading drug kists. Any reliable druggist who may not have it on hand will pro cure h promptly for any one who wishes to try it. Do not accept MW atturf4ia. " CALIFORNIA FIG SYRUP CQ BAN FEANCISOO, OAL. Louisville, xt. nw Teas, v. x The ceopte at the Worlds Dispensary of Buffalo, N. Y, have a Stock-taking time once a Vdar and what do VOU think thev do ? Count the number .. ; of bottles that ve Deen re ' turned by the men and women !;who say that Dr. Pierce's I !ri-.l-lnn Mfrlira1 Disrnverv or 'Dr. Pierce's Favorite Prescrip- 'tion didn't do what they said !it would do. , And how many do you ithmk they have to count, One in ten? Not one in Jive hundred I Here are two remedies one the Golden Medical Dis icovery, for regulating and in vigorating the liver and puniy linsr the blood; the other, the 'hope of weakly womanhood, 'and they've been sold for years, sold by the million bot tles; sold under a positive guarantee, and not one m hve hundred can say : " It was not the medicine for me!" And is there any reason why you should be the one? And supposing you are what do you lose ? Absolutely nothing mm LAV POWDER TTItrMT MrwantrlM. Doe amalL II fcn thiui on.tt-nlh rt-nt a dnr per hn. lrcvnu mnd mm mil dim-Mea. If yon runt crt It. we send liy mail Kt-twid. on pM-k. fee Five $l. AM Id. rmn Sl-30; na V Exprem paid. Testimonial f n-e. Send etamre or irao. raJ-mere' 1-uultry i .utile i price .) free with tl.Ot ruef or more. , n. juumua sk tu. uuaton. ASTHMA. Popbam's Asthma Specino Jives Immediate relief. It is believer! to be the Ket ASTHMA KemeUv known to hiim:inftv. Send f,)p a Trial Pack. age r lic.r. Mld hv Dnieirlsts. Sent bv mall, nnttnrifrl- forl per J!o. Addres-, THUS. 1'OPllAM '-001 uidge Avenue, r hllatlelpui.i. 8'J 713 maet'fl heftotffdl WTV A Static enotien to cover stfl eq. :na 1IU UHi,Llulei-eirr A' A T tPftii! I '" ttooo rar.r.nr TnnUarr 1 fin ISllUHIA krl aVM.tLLY fr 'I W H.t t K to I UU f it aa TalfJMA lAlaMl Ma.r t'l., T4l'OM. !!. 91. de I.esseps's Interesting Family. M. ana Aline, de iesseps held a re ception a few evenings ago, where the chief attraction was the presence of all the old man's children, the wo by his first marriage and the eleven by his econd. His eldest "boy" is about fifty-five years of age, and his youngest child, a daughter, Giai-lc, is four years old; the age of the eldest child ia sixty-seven. Comte de Lesseps him self is now in his eighty-fifth year; he is rapidly breaking np or down, but still retains a good flow of animation for a gentleman never at any time mer curial. They say the failure of the Panama Canal has never affected him ; ha believe that his se' eme is being victimized by a conspiracy. An unfeeling bruth. Mrs. Tonntr husban'l ' Even though you sneer at at my tea biscuits you have managed to eat your siiare of them." Youn:;husband "nul to, my dear. If there were any left the baby might get hold of them. They'd kill uioi." ometjtino of a lib She Isn't Doit or Anderson v?rv absent-minded'?" He "Yes. 1 hat's why !:e never marrlel. He vent to kiss his sweet heart's hand once and vaccinated her instead." Parodoxicai,. Stern Tarent "1 say, Mr. Softleish?" tJoftlelfrh "Yes, Mr." S ern Parent "You seem to stay arourd a great deal for a man who Is so badly 'gone as you ar." Nature's lilesaad AMlstant. Nothlnuba- ever yet equalled 8t. Bernard Vegetable I'lll. to cure diwase by timuintine torpid liver, kidney-. kln. bowels, promoting healthy dlwtion, nutrition. Keeretlon and ex cretion, purifvhiK the blood, building up de creased vit:il force, removing congestions and counteracting the causes of diaea.se. They literally stand alone. A samnle of the .sr. Itern.inl Vegetable Pills will be sent free to all applicants. Address, St. Bernard, liol i416, New York. The skeleton of the average English man weighs about twenty-five pounds. If cremated, the ashes turn the scale at about a quarter of a pound. Guaranteed nve year eight per cent. First Mortgages on Kansas City property. Interest payable every six months; principal and inter est collected wheu due ana remitted wituout xjieu: . Co., te 'o lender, for sale bv J . H. Kauerleiu Kaunas Cii y. Mo. Write for particulars. The horse that General Grant last used is leaning a comfortable life on a (arm near St. Louis, JI:., where it is tenderly cared for. Deafness Can't Ite Cored by local applications, as they cannot reach the diseased portion of the ear. There Is only one way to cuie deafness, and that Is bv constitu tional remedies, lvalues Is caused by an in Hauied condition of Ihe mucous lining of the Eustachian Tube. When this tuoe gets lu ll allied you have a rumbling sound or In-perfei t hearing, and when It is eniiiely closed, deaf ness is the result, and unless the Inflammation can be taken out and this tube restored to I s normal c-nudlt on, hearing will be destroyed foi ever : nine caes out of feu are caused i.v catarrh, which Is nothing but an inflamed con- union oi me mucous sin laces. We will give One Hundred Dollar- for any case of Deafness (caused ly catarrh) that we cannot cure by taking Hall's Catarrh Cure, hend for circulars, fiee. , F. J. CH fcNEY & CO, Toledo, O. Sold by druggists 7.r cents. Parties in Nova Scotia are maklnz ar rangements with steamship companies or th jc i citation of live lobsters to England. Warm weather often causes extreme tired feeling and debility, and in the weakened con dition ot the system, diseases arising from Im pure blood are liable to appear. To gain strength, to overcome disease, and to purify, vitalize. uiu enricn the blood, take Hood' Sarsaparilla. A stray ca', In Wisconsin carried d't theria into a faTiilr. a id caused the ieath of five children. Timber. Mineral. Farm 1 jinrts and PinM.. In Missouri, Kansas, Texas and Arkansas. MUKlit and sold. Tvler & Co Kansas City, Mb. Joseph Manlove is making moiev running a water farm in Indiana. lie alses only Hah and frogs. CnniTft Khaiiey Cure Tor Dropsy, Gravel, Diabetes, Bright', i rare, Urinary or JAver Diseases, N'erv- tisness, &c. Cure guaranteed. g3i rch Street, Thilad'a. $1 a bottle, 6 or 5, or druggist 1000 certificates o ures. Try It. The operation of cutting diamonds omprises three phases- splitting, sliap g anJ polishing. Jlaffl let ed with tore eyas use Dr. IsaaaTbimp. on 'sEye-water. Drucg-ista sell at SSo. per DJitlj A western cowboy committed sulcid. icause a thirteen-year-old girl refuse' marry him HUMOROUS. Precaution measure. Maria s Inquired Mr. Billus, "what kind ot a girl is this second cousin of yours Uiai coming to visit us?" "I don't know much about her.' an swered Mrs. Billus. '-except that she is said to be a quite pretty, and where are you gome, John?', "I am going to take that rug irotn the libary floor and put it down in front of the big looking-glass," t m TOO MANY FINGERS IN THK FIE. She "What, you love me? Why, yon do not know enough about me yet He (having seen her fa her's rating in Bradstreet) ,I know enough to love you and ask you to be my wife." She "Ah, if you knew all you would not ask that." lie "What, Is yonr heart in the grave?" She "No, but I bare nine younger sisters. A NKW YORK CLARA VERE DE VEBE. Miss. Van Wirt "No, Lord North bury, I could never marry you. Your are not my equal." Lord North bury "Not your equal 1 Why. the blood of the Flantagenets couises in ay veins. When your great grandfather was a pretty Du ch trader, mine was sitting In the House of Lords." Miss Van Wirt "Yes, but when your preat-g rand father was sitting in the Iloufe of Lords, mine was Duylng up town lots on Broadway." Abtful jack. "Why didn't you write oftener in answere to my letters, jackf" blie asked, tearfully. '-Because, dearest," he temarked, "yours were so long and interesting that I spent all the time reading thorn. Poisoned by Scrofula Is tae sad story of many lives madi miserable through no fault of their own. Scrofula is more espec ally than any other s hereditary disease, and fur tills simple reason: arising from Im pure aud Insufficient blood, the disease locates itself in the lymphatics, which are composed of white tissues; there is a period of foetal life when the whole body eonIsts of white tissues. and therefore the unborn child la especially susceptible to this dreadful disease. But there is a remedy for scrofula, whether hereditary or acquired It Is ilqod's barsaparilla, which by Its powerful effect upon the blood, expels every trace of the disease and gives to the vital fluid the quality and color of health. If you decide to take Hood a Sarsapar 11a do not ac cept any substitute. Hood's Sarsaparilla Sold by all drueelsts. 1 : six for . Prepared only by C. I. HOOD 4 CO., Lowell. Mans. IOO Doae One Dollar Floored. The Duchess of Sliam- ccMl(ly-'Oiir Engll-h girls are more at true' I veto men than your American girls." JUJss Manhattan "How is It then that your men s em to prefer American wlvesf" Tfce Duchess "The exp'anMon in those exceptional cases is simply that the Ilnmeo needs money. " ilisi Manhattan '-Then how is It that American millionaire don't marry some of your English Juliets 1"' One Thousand Dollar. I will forfeit the above amount. If I fall to prove that Floraiilexiim isthe best medicine In existence for uyspepsia. Indigestion or Bilious ness. t is a certain cure, and atlords Immedi ate relief, in causes 01 Kidney aud Liver i.'o it- Idaint, Nervous lwbility and Consumption. lor:ii!exioii builds up the weak system and cures where other remedies fail. Ask vour dniKUist lor It and get well. Valuable book TIiuiks Vorth Knowing," also, sample 1k, tie sent free: all cliarxes prepaid. AsVire i ranklin Hark 88 Warren Street iew YCrk. Mrs. Jacob Benton, of Lane tster' X. IT., gas been an invalid for over fiv years. During that time she has learned to speak and write firs language Tt Tea Ever Saeealatef invMMin aeniiwj as tnelr nsmfl kn1 a1- dretui wll receive information that will Wl to a f .rtu-ie. HenJ. Uevrim S xwourity BuUdintf, Kanaaa C nr. .uu STOLE A CRAVB. Cortrals't Tough Stortee Missouri Regiment. Capt. O. D. Evans of reorla was a nember of the Grand Army committee which inspected the soldier's home the other day, says the Quincy Whig, and while reminiscencing with a party of friends told a couple of stories to explain the manner in which the Eighth Missouri infantry gained the reputation of beingr the biggest thieves in the army. On one of their marches they passed a plantation and in a sort of a lean-to against a cabin close to the road an old necrro woman was cooking corn pone and bacon. Just as the head of the regiment got abreast of the shanty auntie went Into the house for something or other and one of the boys slipped into the lean-to on a foraging expedition. He examined the stove and then called out disgust edly : 'Boys, here's some might? .rood grub, but it isn't half cooked." "Hold on a minute: we'll helo vou." was the response, and he was ioined by a couple of his comrades. Then they picked up the stove, bacon, corn pone, and all. dumped it into a wagon, piled in some wood, and went on, bound to have some "might p-ood grub" when it was cooked. Ihey did not confine their thievinc propensities to things to eat On an other occasion the Eighth Wisconsin was camped some distance balnw Mnmphis on the bank of the river, and, one of their number havlnff died. they dug a grave in which to bury him. While the Bndeers were attanri- ng to the funeral services the Mis- Bourians came down the river in a transport and landed to give Christian burial to a comrade who had suc cumbed to a wound received in a skirm ish the day before. They found the new-made grave, buried their dead in it. nnd left In a few minutes the Wisconsin boys came along with re versed arms and muffled drums, and. seeing the little mound of fresh earth, one of them exclaimed: "By-George, somebody has stole our grave." And they dug a new one. It was the Eighth Missouri which is eaid to have created the basis for 1 story credited to half the regiments in the service: They had been in camp several days at some place in Tennessee when an nraged farmer complained to the colonel that his men had robbed him ot half hia chickens. "How many chickens did you have?" asked the officer. "Fifty." "And how many were taken?" "Twenty-eight" "Then my men didn't have anything 'o do with your chickens, my good sic ou are on the wrong traiL" "But I know they did." "Oh, but I know they didn't If -hoy had they would have taken every blamed chicken on the roost" WON'DElia OF SCIENCE Ldy "Do you take inttautan ous photograph?" Photographer "Yes, madam; lean photograph a humming-bird on th lnz, or a swallow in its flight," Lady "I want my baby's pi Hurt Jitken." 1'hotofrapboe "Yes, madam, 'lelitt'e fellow ready, and I will are the chloroform." Get pre- Albany, Oregon bas a pnmpkla weigh ing 104 pounds. FOR FIFTY YEARS. ific S. S. S. has Swifts Speci Considered medicine. For over fifty years, it has been curing all gorts of b'ood trouble from a ordinary Mr. Henry V. Wast Va-. ey! no oon"u'" "'" "of tcroful. by S. S. S.. on. of the most wonderful on record. H ad the disease of the worst type all his life until he was 32 year, of ase. and his whole youth was em b"tt.red by It. Of course h. had all sorte of treatment, but nothing benefited him permanently until he took S. S. S. which cleansed the poison from his eystem. and cured him sound and well." oimDle to the worse types r Cold in me tirau " It is an Ointment, nostrils. I rice, our- THF POSITIVE CUKI vr v KRirrnrntil. ss Vum How Does She Manage It. Just how the fashionable woman Who appears night after night clad in a tulle drees, kid gloves and slippers, and a pearl necklace, manages to es cape pneumonia must ever remain a problem to vex and bother the doctor land philosopher. These lovely creat ures are certainly endowed with great endurance, wnatever may be said of their sense. Perhaps, as Carlyle said, "Vanity is warmer than down, and 'pride rivals the robe of ermine." But to get at facts, the question was put to a pretty little creature, who never read a line of the sage. "I don't feel cold at all," she said, "in evening dress. Just before dressing I bathe my neck, arms and shoulders in glycerine and rose water, and after drying with a coarse towel, I have my maid rub me down with alcohol. 1 don't need thie at all, but I do it to please papa. 1 think, however, it is a good idea, for my flesh never gels goosey, and this is my second teason, aud I haven't had a cold yet.- Then I always wear a warm wrap in the carriage, and when I get home I take a warm bath aud go to bed." ew York Star. Takiko ms temperature. The orator had talked for half an hour. "Oh, enme on; let's go," said Bag ly. "Wait until be gets warmed up to his subject " whispered Bailey. An hour later B: gley sal': "Well he's warmed up now; let's go." "Can't you wait until the man cools down some?" Money Invested In choice one hundred dol lar building lots In suburbs of Kansas City will pay from Ave hundred to one thousand per cent, the next few years under our plan. eah and ." per month without Interest con trols a desirable lot. Particulars on applica tion. J. li. B-iuerlem & Co Kansas City, Alo. Ti e r&mous Adel-berg srotto on the roid to Trieste, Italy, was r ceutlv ex pl ret7, wuen disc very was ma 'e of two ther grottos a d a number of rorridnrs couufiiuiiicaung with the pnnci;.lo grot- 10. II 11 pi 11 re curei.uariiii(cel by Dr. J. B. Mayer, S31 Aicti St., i'hll'a, l'a. Kase at occe, no operation or de lay from business, attested by thou sands ol curet after others tail, advice tree, send for circular. At bltka, Alaska, the shortest d u in ti e year, D cember 21, Is oniv six hours long, t'e sun rial: cr at nine and tetiins at three. The longest dav. une 21. a eighteen hou-s, the sun riaiuir at three aud setting at nine. FITS : A3 Fits siopped rre oj Dr. KMne'i'lrnaC hrve Kevtorer. faaFitaafter Drat day's use. Mar velous cure. 'II emue aod N-Ou trial oottia (raa it tltuuea, fceDdioUr. kitne.sol Area at. fuua.,fa, It has been suggested that a rood wav to rid a town ot moths would be to set up a powerful e'ectric licht on the out skirts. The moth has jr. Instinctive fondness for light, and esDeciallv the electri 3 light. J-ee Wa's Chinese Headaehe. rhiro In effect, nuick aud misitiva In act!,... u..,t prepaid on recelptof il per bottle. Allele.' & Co 5! Wyandotte St., Kausas City, Mi. Shb got a skbvakt. Husband (married one year) "Why, Etta, what has become of your wedding ring?'' it wore it out." H usbaud "iiow could you wear it out?" Wife "Doing tbr. housework." Did yon ever go within a mile of a soap fae ton t If so y..u know wh it material thev m iii soap of. liolibn s' Electric Soap factory is as iiimu wiur as a euair lactory. Try It once Ask your grocer for It. Take no Imitation. A writer 'n the London spectator thlbks that if parrots could be made to breed in eap'lvity, the parent birds might teach their young to talk, jii8t as the canaries teach their accomplishment 10 w eir utue ones. An Extended Popularity. Bkown's Bron chial Ti.ociiEShave for many years oeen tne most popular article in use for relieving Courtis and Throat troubles. k k John Hanson Craig, of Danville, Ind. , weighs over 600 pounds Fraaor Axle Urease. Don't work your horses to death with poor axle grease; tbe Frazer is the only re liable make. Use it once, and jou will have no other. A new toy for children Is a plain sheet ot paper on w Lich the figure of some Dlmal has been traced wii h an Invisible and tire-proof solution. The paper is set on lire on the edge, and it burnsaway. leaving the figure intact. Oklahoma tJu'rte Boo a vid Ma Man sent anywhere o., Kansas City. Mo. u receipt ol oucts. Tyler A woman in New York City furnish es love letters at $1 apiece. Wpmin Her Diseases an! Their Treat ment " a valuable Illustrated book of seventy two paues sent free, on re.-etiit of 10c.. to cover j:hitaPa"Ug'etC' AdJ,ess' r- - Bo After forty years of immoral ,n ; the wuters of the pool or Echoschaclit not far from Hermannstadt. several numati uouies nave beeu brought to suiiace in a fciate of vatinri. perfect pres r- $1,000 REWARD! The above reward will be paid for proof of JfM0,?".1 '8 6AEOLTNG0IL or better TATlilledycore;yASr W0 JOHN UOOUE,Hee'y, Merchant's Gargling oil Loekport, N. Y V. 8. A. BEECH AM 'SPILLS ON A WEAK STOMACH. 25 Cents a Box. OP ALL DRUCCISJTS. a record enjoyed by noother Wonderful. 8. a. s. IS PURELY AND IS HARM LKtS TO TH MOST DELICATE CHILD. Smith, of Bjalmont. of sorofula and blood poison. jjttmrrtT'Ciric CO.. ATLvrr. 4. Easiest to use. certain, for nt, of wblrh a small partle.e Is sppl. Be? e M by dnitrstst or ent by stall. ed to tna U r-jRi JO'S St Wew York. Price SO cta.1 3d The Cod That Help to Cure The Cold. The disagreeable taste or the COD UYER OIL is dissipated in COWS or Pure Cod Liver Oil with HYPOPHOSPHITES OF IJMB .AJSTI3 BODA.4I The patient suffering from CONSUMPTION, nnorniTi. foi gh, told, or WATIf DISEASE, mar takv tli reraMy with as much satisfaction as be would take milk. Physicians are prescribing- It ereryirhere. It is a perfect Ulna, aad a woaderful llesh prodaifr. Tnhen other FOR FIFTY YEARS 1 MRS. , WINSLOW'S SOOTHING SYRUP hn been nw. hf mothers for their children while Teetltinfr far over Fifty Yer. It tot tie tiie 01 Jlfl, ftoftetis the jrum. ally all pain, cure wtnd colic, ana la the best retuvlv for diarrhoea. Twenty-five Centa a Bt tie. -VASELINE- FOR A OXE.nni.hAR BIl.I.Mtns by Ban we will dellT. t. free o. all chanrea, to any perns the Unit d states, ail ot the fouowuis artlcta. Gain fully jacka :s One twooonee bottle of Pure Vaaellne, 10 One twcout.ee hoitle of Vaaellne Pomade, - IS" One jar of Vaseline Co!l S'mam. .... - 1 One . . k of Vanellse Camj-hor lee. - ... ID" One Cake of Vajteline soap, nnacenteri, Cne ake of VawliM Soap, exqnlattely aoeated.B Oo (wo-punoe bou of Whit Vsanllna, - - a Or for pttrntoor ar-tmp any rtnoir arUeU at tkt rH named. On no account e ptmaAmi to acnes from ynvrdrumist any Vaseline or preparation Utmfnm ttnlna labelled tcitK oxr naaie. beeaum yoa will na tat'nly reewtf ve an Imitation wntan ham Httlm ornovaimt t beaehreuBk IH. !'., -H rmt tit., N. V. I prescribe and tally en dorse Big J as the only specific for the certain cur of tbls dineaaa. O. If. IN U RA H A If . It. D, Amsterdam, N. y. We bare sold Blf U toa many years, and It uaj riven tba bast of sa;ia faction. IX. B. DTCTTK CO. Chlrmfo. I:", S!-Mf. RcldhT Hi-nrr1 Urt aaly by tba OlnanaatiJ 'rt4'C'r-., A XMAS HEALTH GIFT (Exerciser Complete $8) la Best or Au. Cmcvuui Faac. Books: For "An Ideal Coraplexioa A Complete rhysical Development." mills jacts. "Health Strength la rnviicai mitore," 40 111, - eta. Chart i 39 tils for Dumb Sells A Pulleys. eta. Ad. 1N0. E. O0WO S Vocal A Physical Culture school, 116 Monroe St ChiCigS FRAZER AXLE GREASE KKST IX THE WU1U.U. It wearing quilitle are unsurpassed, act ally outlasting t o boxes of auy other bnnd. I uecl4 W 7-lT THIC QiiSU- fUK SALK BIT DEALERS UKN Kit ALLY. CRATEFUL COMFORTfNQ. 'MFORTlNQ. COCOA BREAKFAST. Hy a thorono-b kn.iwmi rn r k. ..., i- wtalcu (torern the operations of digestion and autre tkm, ana by a careful application of the fine proper ties of well-eelected Cocoa, Mr. Epps has provided our breakfast tallies with a delicately flavoured bev erage which ma. nave us Biauy heavy doctors' oil la. lllaoy the Judicioiu use ot ucb articles of diet that aoon.utution may be gradually built np nnt.1 strung enough to resist ever, tendency to disease. Hundreds of subtle maladies are floating around nt ready to attack wherever there is a weak point W e may escape many a fatal shaft by keeping our selves well fortllle.1 with pure blood ud a properly nourished frame." "cei .Service OaaeMe. Made almply with bollln water or milk. SoU l.hJa'CV,n1 "" b Urooers, labelled thus: A.Ha.s V CO., Hixn-eopauUo Chemists, -. 1-OMK). KMtl.Su. NEW LAW CLAIMS. Ap,7MilQRtETeiiSCi Attorneys. MIA f St Washlartea. I. C. branch OIBcea. Cleveland. Detroit. Chlcage. PATENTS! instnKwooa rvesj l Inventere. Write at ouoe roe hand -book ot la formation. J. B. CKALI.K A: CO., Wa.hiostoa, !.!, THE BEST BROODER Cver tnTvntti for ralft'nn chicks; only $.1. AridrtM Ci. rt. S IS tii t-.K. ardmton. O., or c4 cmar. I'eiiiiiajt-.uifv Arithmetic. snort-tiai.O.ctc tuorou luoroiitfnlv taught hv uiir r- Bry-mt'a ttl rgf, 457 Haip st HuftaUx N. Y ft Successfully Prosecutes Claims. Lt Principal fcximinerlj.S " nl B JrTTS I iyn in lit, war, u .11,, yrym nj MlAf ITS STOPPED FREE ID! KLINE'S GREA Tl.sit.a t. D.-a 3 for ail nAia NmK in,...,. h,.M Jnr Arrtm Affectum, jr,- Fui.m. -t. I !2i.rri!T"'C2??r P caanw a b r-OT.lrad. en4 nim.. f 1 1 - I . . . araii-iad Da. KLINK. 931 Arch SL, Pii.?Tuurr'a. DflllilT KNrFv rosmvEt.TKtteEi.trf ColiJeei n H,rr Aniherst. and ..tUr WW ,f - ? 'r"''"in,,' ,nJ ""sines, men evc.y- Itox 2407. ttilla , Pa. PATENTS I.KHMtNN. Doss Ycur EAD-ACHE? Are You Kervousl BROW nCCIT7Cfi iA U OLLIttil GUARANTEED CURE Trial ilULSH QnmniMmA sXM tS) v1 a. .1,1 m BILL leVior"- w"n-n. Roys, tvry-pernTmeniiTf- k-1 r,rm wan' VJ0,ut ner'- ns v b 1 a I1K.HALD 1 0c.BiL. HS ' i t , v trrati',n"' '"'rayrti"