iiiifet ; fpfiid Jllk ail 'ieptio "Hi m B. F. SCHWEIEB, THE OOHSTmrnOI THE TOIOI-AID THE EHOROEKEHT OF THE LAWS. Editor and Proprietor. VOL. XXXIV. MIFFLINTOWN, JUNIATA COUNTY. FENNA., WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 1880. NO. 3b. sums. Ttaer cams a whisper through the wind-blawn leave. That stirred in maie mvlerneath the utm, AoJ flattering breeze and fluttering foliage m m&i To weft i"7 thoughts to dreenland M I Dres-ueJ Of Summer. Tiers came a flood of li jht, a flash of bloom. And r jeee scattered pete's of p jrf ame ; And WiBge of birds end echoes of their song Bore every thought in cadence sweet slong To Summer. There Aimed in splendor fierce a fervent sun. Ana1 sweet May paled, and sighed - " My life is done ; To you. O, Sister Jane, be all I lose And all I fain would tain, if I might choose For Summer !" There stood in meadow-grasses aukle-Jeep, One who awakened from her maiden sleep. And waking, turned to me with smile dinue. And blushing, let her hand clasp close to mine In Summer. And all the golden sunlight rained its gold On tresses bright a-i any ry they hold. And all the fervent splendor of the day Wore fairer splendor than in sky and ray Of Summer. For what is earth if love be not our day ? And what i lore if love care not to stay. An i. staying , seal oar hearts in dreamle a rest? And resting thus who dreamt and is not blest In Summer ? HE CHANCED HIS MIND. "I am a miserable man," said Cyrus Maddux, gloomily, '"and it is best that the world should be nd of my presence. .No one cares for me." "Oh, don't say that, uncle," said Lizzie Silver, beseechingly. "You know I love you. You are the only friend I have in the world, and if you were to die, what would become of me!" "I suppose young Guy Cheevers would console you for my loss," said Mr. Maddox grimly. "At any rate, I don't care. I will end my troubles and sorrows to-morrow at 12- o'clock." And with these fearful words, he strode out of the room, leaving lizzie sobbing, with her curly black head resting on a din. ner plate. 'What's the matter now, Bess? Has the milliner disappointed you in the love of a bonnet?" asked a warm, hearty voice, which was the property of "young Guy Cheevers," as Mr. Maddox called him as that gentleman strode into the room. "Oh, Guy!" sobbed Lizzie, Uncle Cyrus is going to die to-morrow at 12 o'clock." "How do you know?" asked Guy. "He said so." "But how does he know?" "He's going to kill himself." "so as to make himself a true prophet, eh?" asked Guy laughing. "Oh, Guy, don't joke!" cried Lizzie, tearfully. "He will I know he will:" "I doubt it:" said Guy skeptically. "But he tried to commit suicide several times," persisted Lizzie, tearfully. 'Once he tried to smother himself with burning charcoal: but he forgot to stop up the key hole, and 1 smelt the smoke and got some neighbors to break open the door, and save him. Then he tried to hang himself, but the cord broke, and he fired a pistol at himself, but be forgot to put any ball in it, so that failed, and then ' "Gracious:" cried Guy, as Lizzie stopped for want of breath; "what a determined man he must be! Such perseverance de serves to be rewarded- Have you any idea what plan he will try next?" "I'm sure 1 don't know," said Lizzie, mournfully. "Something dreadful, I sup pose." "But what does he want to make away with himself for?" asked Guy wondering IT. Why, he says he is a miserable man, burden to every one, and that life hag no joys for him, and that he is weary or this world-" "And so would like to try the next?" said Guy. "Perhaps he won't find it as pleasant s the one he is quitting. What an unreasonable man he must be! He is rich, talented, healthy, and has a very pretty neice" here, in a moment of ab straction, be allowed his arm to wander around Miss Silver's waist "and what more can he want? Bat some people never are satisfied. It seems he is deter mined to pry into futurity, and it seems a pity to disappoint so laudable an ambition; but duty duty to myself compels me to in terfere. I dislike scandal or excitement. A coroner's jury would cause both, therefore we must balk his Utile game." But how will you do it?" asked Lizzie curiously. "A prudent General," said Guy, haugh tily, "never confides his plans to his army, particularly when that army is of the femi nine gender so excuse me; mum's the word; but rest assured, my dear Elizabeth, that unless your worthy uncle shuffles off this mortal coil in a surreptitious manner before 12 o'clock to-morrow, he will not do it afterward of course I mean illegally. Farewell, till to-morrow. rr.irinT concluded this address, Guy strode off in tragic manner, leaving Liz ue greatly surprised, but still quite reas sured, for in her opinion what Guy could worth doing. Th next morning Mr. JIaddox made nis appearance very saturnine and gloomy, and T; ki f.i wth a mournful air that was terribly impressive. Having finished eating, he then took leave of bis niece in a feeling manner. I am about to leare you," he said, mournfully. -I am about to put end to thU miserable life. I hope that you may ever be happy. fib don't ro." said tazz clinging to him and looking up into his face pleadingly. said Mr. Maddox, firmly. Ky mind is fixed, and nothing you mar say can persuade me to relinquish my pur aay ii f" hlI(r ghaJ not nose. But you, my dear cmiu. u Kprovid'edfor. I intend torn." will, la .the few hour. u - my dear child farewell! "-nd then, after' embracing bis niece fervently, Mr. Maddox rushed from the room frantically and se curely locked himself in his own room, and began to prepare himself for his last journey. "Nine o'clock:" he said to himself, look ing at his watch. Three hours yet. Enough to do all I have to da First, to make my will." The last will and testament of Mr. rv Maddox was evidently not a lone one. as it was finished ia an hour. "Eleven o'clcck!" said Mr. Maddox. "and I have finished. How slow the time passes, to be sure! Now, what shall I do until 12 o'clock, for I am determined not to die until noon " A knock at the door. "Go away:" cried Mr. Maddox. angrily. You can't come in!" "I am very sorry to disagree with you." said a voice outside the door, "but I can come in. I have a duplicate kev here, and if you don't open the door, I will. Mr. Maddox rose and unlocked the door savagely, and Mr, Guy Cheevers walked into the room, carrying an oblong box un der his arm. He placed the box on the table and then took a seat opposite Mr. Maddox and stared blandly at him. "What do you wan't?" asked Mr. Mad dox, fiercely, Don't you see I am en gaged?" "Oh, I know," said Guy, "what you are about to da Don't think that I'm going to interfere; not at alL But before you make your quietus, I wish to ask you a few questions. Have you provided for your niece's future welfare?" "What's that to you?" "Considerable. I am about to marry Miss Silver, so her interests are naturally mine.'' "Then she is provided for, amply." "Thank you for your information. Very glad to hear it. And now, excuse the ap parent impertinence of the question, but where is your will?" "Here," said Mr. Maddox, laying his hand on it. "Suppose you give it to me to take care of?" "Give it to you. Why pray?" 'It might become misplaced," explained Guy. I'll keep it myself." said Mr. Maddox, roughly. "Then just leave a memorandum on the table," said Guy, earnestly, "to tell where it is. It will save trouble, perhaps. "Get out!" cried Mr. Msddox, angrily. "Ah, I see:" said Mr. Cheevers, coolly; "in a hurry to begin. "Well, I won't de tain you; but I have a little suggestion to offer." "It is this," said Guy. "Miss Silver in forms me, that you have made several pre vious offorU to cut short your troubles and your breath, and always unsuccessfully. Now it seems to me, you don't go the right way about it. "This box" and here he opened the box before alluded to "con tains seveial 1 tile plans tffat I think might please you. Here's one" and he showed a little steel instrument. "What's that?" asked Mr. Sladdox, curi ously. "This,'' said Guy, "is an article that you can place around your neck like a col lar, then, by striking your hand on the left side of your neck, a sharp spike is driven right into your jugular vein " "But that would kill me!" raid Mr. Maddox, staring. -Well, ain't that what you want?" de manded Guy, sternly. "Now, here's an other," he went on. "Here's a wheel, you observe. You phtcc this bund around your neck, pass it an Hind the wheel, and give it two or three turns; then let go. The re coil will twist your head almost off your shoulder kill you to a certainty. Mr. Maddox stared at him with unfeign- led horror. "Then," went on Guy, coolly, "here's a little package a torpedo. It contains nitroglycerine. You place it in your mouth, snap your teeth on it, and off goes your . head, smashed into millions of atoms." "Good heavens!" exclaimed Mr. Mad dox, fearfully. "What a terrible idea:" "Not at all, said Mr. Guy. soothfngly, "Beautiful invention I quite pride my self on it ecientiSc suicide, you see!" Anybody can take poison, or blow their brains out; but do it scientifically requires real talent. You have it, and I am confi dent you will reflect credit on my inventive skill. "Now," he contmed, confidentially, "if you could use all three of these inven tions at once cut your jugular, garrote yourself and blow your head off, all at once why, I'd thank you." "What!" cried Mr. Maddox, fiercely, "do you think I'm ging to use any of your infernal inventions? Get out of this room, vou cold-blooded villain, before I throw you out of the window:'- But I have a great many more to show you," demonstrated Guy, "and you see I want you to try as many as possible. Well, well!" he added, as Mr. Maddox grasped the poker threateningly, "I'm going. But I'll leave this box here, and before you get rid of yourself, just make a memorandum of what you will use, and leave it on the table, because, you know, there will proba bly be nothing left of you to draw conclu sions from, and so" Here, any further speech was cut short by Mr. Maddox seizing his visitor, and hustlinz him out in the passage. "Well," said Lizzie anxiously to Guy. "I think it's all right," said Guy, grin ning. "Get the lunch ready. Your uncle is all right. He'U be down." And sure enough, so he was; and though he spoke not, he eat most voraciously of everything. "Lizzie," said he suddenly, after an hour's pause, "did you ever see an infernal old fool and an idiot?" "Never, Jhat I know of," said Lizzie. "Why?" "Because, just look at me, and you'll see one," said Mr. Maddox, grimly, and he stalked up-stalrs. t'p to the present time of writing, Xr. Cyrus Maddox Is still alive, enjoying good health;, and he seems to be on friendly terms with Sir. Cheevers and his wife Lizzie. Be probably forgave that gentle man on account of a discovery that he made that the nitro-glycerine torpedo con tained nothing more dangerous than salt, and the other "infernal inventions' were infernal in about the same ratio; but Guy still maintains that when a person is weary of life they should cease their troubles by scientific suicide. Ills Henrys Worth. A stranger with an aggressive hat and a genial flavor of hayseed drew up before Officer Dean on Broadway, Mew York and, put his arms around akimba "Be you one o' ther perlice ?" he in quired. "I be," answered the blue coat senten tious) y. "You're pooty well posted "bout things in general, I 'sped." The officer admitted he did know a thing or two. The stranger looked all the more gratified. "I've kern deown t' York," said he, "C hev an all-fired, bustiu' time. Wot I wont's a little recreashun, see! I don't car"bout slunibUn' 'giu a perfeshunal fistist, but I'd jest like t' buy a slice of a neat little row, whar' a feller kin gouge and bite some and ain't tied down by enny cussed rules. Thar' ain't no ratpits, nor dog-fightin' places 'bout yer,' is thar', whar a little diffikilty could be riz?" The officer told him that he had better get an almanac or indicator, but said that he thought that with tour fingers more of the last whisky he had been drinking he might be easily accommodated. The stranger thanked him heartily and with drew. About four o'clock the following morn ing the same officer found a man tied up iu a knot on the corner of Waverly pla:e. He tried to undo him, and when he had pried the hat back from his nose the stran ger of the previous night emerged. He was quite drunk, there were bumps all over his head, and he looked as if he had been shaved with a buzz-saw. "Thankee, ole fell'r" he said gratefully. "Thankee. Ued a bustin' time. Keeled over a barten'r and got chucked out by four on 'em. Yes, sir, fit four times over, an' Seth Uines kin go hum t' Steuben a feelin good neow. He went to the Jefferson Market Police Court first, though. "Ten dollars," bis Honor said, when he heard the story. 'Ten dollars. That's yer flggcr, eh? Squar, I'm a-gittin' inter you, I 'sped. Why, I've had a free fite four times hand runnin', and got licked every shot. Reckon you didn't know that, eh? Squar, the rumpus is cheap at double the money," and he pa.d his fine with a chuckle of intense satisfaction. A Clilnese Tramp. The first Chinese tramp ever seen in Cti ca visited that place a few days ago. He came from the West. There was an un mistakable Celestial air about him, pigtail and all, but the pack fastened on 1 is shoul der betokened the tramp. When the heathen first attracted attention he was en- dcavoring to run the blockade at the depot gate. He had no ticket, and Mr. Moyer declined to admit him to the depot yard inciosurc. "Where is your ticket," asked the gate keeper. "No foolee Chinee." 'But you can't pass through unless you have a ticket." "No foolee Chinee." Officer Evans was summoned to prevent the Celestial from breaking the barricade at the gate. "Where do you want to go ?" asked the officer. "No foolee Chinee." William Dunn came to the rescue. When he asked the almond-eyed man whether he bad any money, the reply was: J J "No foolee Chinee." Then the officials experienced considera ble trouble with him, and as the tain bound East was standing in the yard, Mr. Yanderhey bought a ticket for Frankfort and tendered it to the Mongolian. He de clined to receive it, shaking his head and chuckling : '.No foolee Chinee." Appearances indicated that the foreigner had paddled on foot over the railroad ties from some far Western city and after con sulation with Superintendent Priest, the Mongolian was permitted to resume his pedestrianiMTi on the line of the Central, lie tCAi tti -iip'-.iU the ('ejiot gate in tri uinpu, ta uu a bec-aue East, and made off like a carrier-pigeon, simply remarking: "No foolee Chinee." And they didn't. A Luckless Tramp. Some time ago a tramp got into the fire box of a stationary engine that was being shipped oa a flat car to the 1'aciQc coast from Denver. By tome freak of misfortune to him a careful brakeman closed the fur nace door on him, and the solitary picnick er was alone with his conscience and a few friends that had come along to represent the National Bug Bureau. At first he thought it was a joke, and he laughed a smothered hysterical laugh, but as the hours dragged on and he didn't know whether it was day or night or whether it was the Fourth of July or eternity, he con cluded to attract the attention of the out side world, so he pounded on the inside of his cage till hu arms ached. He might as well have tried to get out of a fire and burglar proof safe with a corkscrew. One day, through curiosity, a railroad boy opened the door of the engine furnace and looked in. The broad sole of an old Imot was turned up at the door, and the brakeman took bold of it and snatched it out. It was followed by an attenuated piece of humanity, that rattled around on the car like an old umbrella. The bystanders reviewed him and asked him if he didn't feel hungry. He said be did feel a kind of goneness in the gastric regions. An old man, who was then acttng treas urer of the Irish Belief fund, took the job of filling bim up. That is the reason why Ireland missed the beneficial effects of the relief fund for several months, Tat a time when the needed it worst. aeneta la Mills. It seems that the introduction of magnets into the great gram nulls of ihc West has worked nnelly. Not only have ttcy cap tured all the stray pieces of iron b.nds,and thus removed the only objection urged agaimt wire-banding harvesters, but they have revealed the singular fact that, of the scraps of iron and steel wl.ich find their way mixed with wh at to the mills, fully one-half are something besides pieces of wire, and a larger proportion of these are of such a nature as to be even more dan gerous to mill macaioery. The magnets gather verthing of this kind with certain- Grihaldis Berne. Cappera is a small narrrow island a great rock in fact, with a few patches of soil here and there of about twenty-two miles in circuit add three or four in width, separated from the northernmost part of Sar dinia as Valentia is from the coast of Kerry by a strip of sea some two and a half miles across. It was once well known to the British sailor, for it lies close to the Maddalena, one of Nelson's stations in the Mediterranean. Tbe only habitations are a few shepherds' huts and Garibaldi's house, situated on the western aide, about three quarters of a mile on the higher ground. It is a one storied building. i. c, a gronnd-floor only, divided into seven plain unadorned rooms: a kitchen with ap pliances any small farmer's wife in England would consider very insufficient; a dining room with a plain deal table, large enough, however, to accommodate a party of twenty-five; a little storeroom; three bedrooms for his children and any friends who may land upon the island; and his own bed chamber and study combined a good sized room with two windows, (one to the east, tbe other to the south) a carpetless boarded floor like the deck of a ship, and whitewashed walls. Its chief articles of furniture are a plain, roomy, iron bedstead, four common chairs, a simple writing-table, an old-fashioned chest of drawers, and a shower-bath. Everything is of the most ordinary kind, but there is no affectation of Spartan simplici ty, and in striking con trast to the modest aspect of the place are a number of things scattered about. On the bed is a splendid counterpane of white cashmere, most exquisitely embroidered fur him in silk by the ladies of Milan; and standing in one comer, as carelessly placed as if they were a bundle of sticks, are sev eral swords of honor, with Damascus blades and hill of gold set with gems, pre sented to him by his fellow countrymen of Nice, Koine, and other cities; but what he prizes far more is a box of tools for culti vating and ingrafting vines, sent him by some friend in England. Flung over the back of the chair is a handsome pom-ho of a rich white material lined with red, the gift of a distinguished Milanese lady. Hung against the wall are a telescope and a binooular. both presents from England. These were used by him in the campaign of I860; and on his writing-table, together with a volume of Plutarch and some works on mat hematics, lies a book of har bor plans given to him years ago an a mo ment of need, by the captain of an English ship, in the Port of Canton. On the floor by his bedside there is a tiger skin to step upon; above the head of the bed bangs his mother's portrait, and at the side is a stand on which lie a revolver and a dagger. This dagger is another record of his wife. She always wore it hanging from her waist; and after her death, during the re treat from Home in 184tt, Garibaldi con tinued to carry it in remenbrance of her, until be lost it from his ' side during the fight at Caserta on the 1st of October, 1860. It was found, however, by a Calabrese, who restored it to the General, and since that its place has been by his bedside. Un lets the General rings his bell no one is per mitted to enter his room, with the excep tion only of his son Mcnotti. Ou the walls of the dining room hang some water colors representing episodes in the Montevidean war of independence, a photograph of an incident in the siege of Venice in 1649, and in one corner a Brazilian lance earned by one of his favorite troopers in South America. Outside the door of his room is a Mexican saddle, with stirrups of silver J made in the form of reversed crowns. This was a present from a Mexican friend, and is a record of the battle of Mellaza It was when he used it there that part of one of the stirrups was shot away by a cannon ball A little to tbe north of the cottage stands one of those portable iron habita tions for colonial use sent to Garibaldi from England. lis four little rooms and kitchen are occupied by Bassi his secretary, and opposite to It the mill where the flour for the General's family and household is ground. The household , however, is not numerous. It numbers but three persons an old soldier, a Venetian emigrant, who acts as the General's Orderly, and serves for love not for money; another man who cooks, and a woman u do the washing and tidying-up. The guests at Caprera are re quired to make their own beds. - Tol, reter. Stop That- Once there was a very poor woman who bad an only son. bhe did her best by him and brought him up as well as she could. Whenever he did well she praised him, but whenever be did anything she thought wrong, for instance playing marbles on Sunday, stealing apples from their neich bor's trees, teasing little girls or tying tin kettles to the cat's tail, she used to call out: "You Peter, stop that," in a peculiarly shrill tone. Immediately another voice, sharper and shriller than hers, would cry out : "You, Peter, stop that." It belonged to the yellow parrot who swung in a big basket-work cage on the wall. She had learnt the speech by listen ing to it so often, although she was not a very accomplished parrot, and knew little else besides but "Polly wants a cracker," and "poor Polly." The boy loved his mother, but he was rather a wild, bad sort of a boy. When he was about sixteen years old he left the carpenter to whom be was apprenticed and ran away to sea. However, before be went he wrote a note to his mother, telling her not to worry.that he liked the sea better than sawdust, and that he would come back with a cap full of money some day. Morever, he told her the vessel he shipped on The Jane. The mother wept and prayed, as all good mothers do, while her boy was on tbe sea; but she believed that be was, after all, fond of ber, and she expected bim back, until one day she read in Uie paper that Tbe Jane had gone down in mid ocean with all her crew and cargo. Then it seemed to her that all the light of the world had been quenched. She gave herslf up to miserv and longed to die. Indeed, she wenld have prayed for death had she not feared that this would be wicked. However death spared her, and took in stead a certain cousin who had made a large fortune, and was about to be married to a pretty woman, and who was very, very anxious to live. His death made an heiress of tbe poor widow, and though she cared nothing for tbe money now she had lost her Peter.tbe lawyers made her come over to the reading of the will, and finally per suaded her to settle in the handsome house which was furnished for the poor dead cousin's luture wife. There she lived for several years. Mean while Peter, who had after all been saved from the wreck of The Jane, returned home. He went straight to his mother's cottage. The poor woman had lived a solitary life. When she left her home she had told no one why she went The old furniture she had sold to tee junk man, and had taken noting but her parrot with her, Poor Polly, who had brought tears to her ayes since her boy's departure by screaming out : "You, Peter, stop that I" The neighbors who had lived near the cottage when Peter went to sea weie tone. So Peter beard froru a atranirer that "that the lady that liv l in the third house died last winter, and went bully away. Mother and son mourned each otlur dmd, when only a few miles and hour's j-Hirney by rail lay between them. Peter had come home intending to re turn to the carpenter, and be a good son and a worthy citizen; but his mother's sap posed death upset him. He fell into dis sipated ways; made the acquaintance of a man of doubtful character, who was called Ked Jack, and one day found h mself deep er in the mire of dishonesty than he bad ever intended to go. lied Jack intended to roil a house, and confided his plans to Peter. "It's a old woman that lives all alone," said Jack; "her servants are quite in another building. We can get in by win dow I know of, and get all there is to carry off, as easy as wiuking. If wo make a good haul, we needn't try that sort of a thing again; and what does an old woman want of much, while two fine young fel lows are suffering. At first Peter refused to listen, and re proach his new friend with having fancied he could join in such work; but finally he yielded. His part was to creep in at a window, while lied Jack, who had lamed himself in some past exploit of the sort, waited outside with a horse and cart for his appearance with the booty. The night came. There was no moon in the sky, no stars all was dark and gloomy Jack drovthe wagon as near to the house as he dared, and Peter crept out of it, and after some search, found the house Jack had mentioned. All was dark; but Peter thought it best to make sure that no one was stirring. Softly he crest around the garden, peep ing and listening, and at last stepped upon the low back porch, npon which the win dow opened, through which be was to make . his way. As his foot touched it a board creaked and suddenly a voice cried out in his can "You, Peter, stop that," Peter stood still as though suddenly petrified. Again came the cry : "You, Peter, stop that." The-chisel Peter held fell from his fin gers. He uttered a low groan. "Don't do that. Don't do that. Peter, don't do that," repeated the voice. Poor Peter fell upon his knees. He felt sure that it was a supernatural warning. Pale, trembling, miserable, be crept back to Jack, who sat in his wagon. "Help me iu. Jack,' he said. "I've seen a ghost. I can l go back to that house again." Jack was superstitious, like all people of his class, lie struck the horse with the whip and away they rattled through the dark village, as tiiough Sa'.an was after hem, Daylight, however, restored Peter's senses. He ventured near the bouse in the afternocn and saw what he bepun to think he should see his mother's great yel low parrot swinging in a cage upon the porch. "It was PoU that called to me," thought Peter. "Some one has bought the poor bird. Well, the saved me from doii.g what I'd have been sorry for for 1 wasn't born a thief :' Then he knecked on the kitchen door, and being answered by a servant in a prim cap and apron, began as follows: "Miss, by your leave, I'd like to know if whosoever owns that parrot would like to sell her. You see, she used to belong to mother, and the old lady has gone to heaven, and I'd like- -" But there he stopped, for out of the house came rushing the old lady herself and flung herself on his neck. "lou, Peter, stop that!" screamed Polly. But Peter could not stop crying. Bad as he had been, be loved his mother. From that time be became an exemplary individ ual, though to be sure.there was i:o reason for his being otherwise, for he had all he needed withont being dishonest. And the old lady who never guessed whit had brought her son back to her lived happr ever after. "Hollerln' doss the Business.' They were holding an outdoor ward meet ing the other night in Detroit, Michigan, and a speaker bad just commenced to warm up to his work when a straneer with all his worldly "duds" in an old sheepskin on his back, boots gone, hat going and a dyed-in-the-wool tramp air about bim, halted on the outskirts of tbe crowd. Tbe speech soon caught him and he began to applaud. At the end of etery sentence be clapped his bands and roared like a foe horn. No matter whether the speaker 'hit 'em' or not, the stranger never failed to come down with tbe applause, and he car ried a good share of the crowd with him. After tbe speaker bad finished, and while he was wiping his heated brow, the tramp approached him and said : "That ere speech was one of the liest I ever heard in my life." "Ah! I'm glad it pleased you." "Pleased me! Why it lifted me right off'n my feet! I tell you, you're a born orator, and 1 just wish 1 could stay in this town and bear you make a speech every night." " 1 es, I wish you could. "But I shan't, I'm on my way West. I shall, however, think of your speech a hun dred times a day. I can feel the electrici ty of it yet, and say, can't you lend me a half a dollar to help me on?" "W hy, I don't know vou. hy should I lend you half a dollar?" "Oh, come now, don t try to nde any high horse over me; you know how loud I hollered, and you know as well as I da that if I hadn't put in my best licks you'd have fallen as flat as a shingle! You are a great orator, sir, and that was a great speech, but if you don't know that holler ing is what does the business, you d better bang right up." Tbe orator pondered over the matter for a few seconds, an: then probably con cluded that the reasoning was sound, as he passed over tbe money. Do (Jews Drink Laser; The pleasure of a party of gentlemen who went on a picnic excursion a few days ago, was seriously marred by the repre hensible conduct of a cow, which came up behind the tent while most of the party were off in a boat to catch fish for chow der, and tbe rest were asleep, and not only ate up a balf-tushel of potatoes that had been peeled and sliced in readiness for the pan, but epened a box and drank seven bottles of lager all that remained of a case. At least IhXL was the story told the fisherman when they returned, by the stay at home portion of the party. There was quite an animated discussion as to whether or not a cow would be likely to stopper lager beer bottles up and return them to the case after emptying them, and it was finally decided that a cow which would take bottles out of a case and open them would not be very likely to cork up and re place them when through. The virtue of a man ought to be meas ured, not by hit extraordinary exer tion, bnt by his everyday conduct. A Lowe Weddlne; To sr. Some months after the close of the war a gentleman, residing in Texas, overtook on Uie road one day a well dressed ex-sol dier. The soldier was accompanied by a pretty, neat looking girl of apparently about eighteen years ot age. She carried a bundle in her hand. The soldier stopped to ask directions about the road. The gen tleman found the stranger was a Confeder ate soldier returning to bis home in Texas with his wife. He invited the strangers home with him to dinner. The soldier a fine-looking Texan told his story. His home, he said, was on the Neuces. He belonged to Johnson's army, and had gone through all the varied fortunes of a soldier been once wounded, and twice a priso ner. In one of his various wanderings be had met and fallen in love with the daugh ter Of a widow residing in the northern part of South Carolina, The widow's hus band had fallen at the battle of Manassas. The widow, from competence found her self reduced almost to want. When the war closed our soldier went to the bouse of his intended ruDlher-in-law and for a month worked with all his might, mending fences and putting the farm in the best order he could; then, thinking it time to see about matters at home, and his old mother in Southern Texas, of whom he had not heard one word for over two years, he pre pared to return home, but it was hard to leave bis sweetheart, especially when he was unable to perceive when he could make money enough to return for her. She set tled the matter by saying she was going with him. So one morning they were mar ried, and started for Texas on foot, with knapsacks on their backs, and without a single cent of m"ney. "But," said the bride, "we found peo ple very kind. We made friends all along the road; we were never turned off at night; we always got plenty to eat, and the people would often make us little pres ents of money. We would frequently over take a wagoner, who would give us a ride as far as he was goining our way. When we came through New Orleans we had to get passes to cross the nver. The North ern General noticed that my shoes were nearly worn out, whispered something to oae of his aids, who went out and came back with a pair of shoes, and the General asked it I would oblige him by accepting them. I have them on now. "When we left he shook hands with both of ns, and said we were a 'plucky young couple.' When I get to my husband's home I shall hare traveled over sixteen hundred miles and most of it on foot. I would not take anything in the world for my trip. I have found everybody so kind and good." The jm-.n; husband looked into his wife's bright face and smiled, as though he thought he saw there the reason why every one was so kind. "But were you not afraid to come so far with a wild Texan ? ' some one asked. "Oh, no!" was the smding reply. "I always liked the Texans they make such brave, good soldiers." "You have indeed proved that you liked one of them." After dinner the gentleman had his car riage brought around, and carried them a day's journey homeward. As we shook hands with the bride, all wished ber a pleasant journey. "Oh, never fear that," she answered. "I am almost home a hundred miles or two isn't much. I am happy as a queen." A Cooked" Witness. It was a suit for a divorce, down in Ken nebeck County, Maine. The husband, a surely, mean faced, ferret eyed, beetle browed man, who kept a village store, and sold Hoespecker's Bi iters and some other things, wanted a divorce from his wife. They were both in court. Tbe woman was sickly looking, and very likely, had been driven into hysterics by the brute who called himself her husband. The principal witness for the libellant was another beetle browed, ferret eyed, mean vi gaged fellow, who tended store for the latter, and board ed in his family. And this witness had been cooked" had been "done up brown" by both his employer and his employer's lawyer. It was plain to be seen that he answered by rote, that the words be spoke bad been put into bis mouth by another. When the attorney for the wife came to question this witness, after his own lawyer had done with bim, he said to him, with a smile, the whole meant for the jury, of course. "You've got your lesson pretty well, haven't you, sir ?" "1 hain't got no lesson!" "All right. But let us see: You say, if I understand you, that Mrs. B has a very retaliating disposition ?" "Yes sir, that's what I said." "Well, and how did she retaliate? Give us an instance." "Why," grunted the witness, with a stupid look, "I ve teld lots em.' 'ics, and now I want you to tell me one. Tell me, and the jury, if you please, a marked case of her retaliation." "M3 I've told you once, she was al- wsvs relaliatin'." 'Exactly ; but we want a particular in stance, so that we can judge of its real m.-nL. Now look. Did you ever see the litellant in this case your employer kiss his wife?" "Yes, sir?" the man answered quickly. "And what did the wife do on that oc casion?" "She retaliated, immejitly!" "That will da You niay go down." The council for the libellant would have called the witness back, but tbe judge whispered to him something which nobody else heard, but which caused him to let the witness go. The dirvorce was not decreed. BecoilecUu "When I was a youngster," remarked Mr. Smiley, as he stood gazing at the bill board, "they used to have 'cars vans.' Them were to some purpose. I remember old 'Bets,' the first elephant that ever crossed the Atlantic. They used to travel with her in the night and show her next day in the tavern bam. She was a sensi ble old critter. She didn't try to make an acrobat of herself and balance cm the top of a cider barrel. Not much. She took all the peanuts and cookies and wiped the fel lows across the face who gave her plug to bacco. She tended strictly to business. but I wsa speaking ot 'caravan.' They always had their show in the tents and not on the fences with colored pictures. Lions and tigers and monkeys and rhinoceroses used to interest the boys then without any perversion ot the Scripture quotations such as they have now-a-days. I'd give a nine pence to see such a show agaia, but I never shall." And turning away from the deceitful pictures, with a sigh, just as the head of the circus procession came in sight, tbe old gentleman hobbled after the "mas sive golden car of Melpomene' three-quar ters of a mile, bought a ticket to the big show and paid seven little boys into the nde snow. He that cannot forgive others breaks me uriugs over wuicn uo must pass ders. Recently a green looking specimen of humanity, evidently tresh from tbe harvest fields of Cranberry, strolled into the Metro politan drug store, at Oil City, Pa, His hair was long and well bleached by the weather; his skinny, pimpled face was about the coif of a red cow. He wore a very broad brimmed, twenty-five cent straw hat ; had on a colore d jean shirt, and over his shoulder a single suspender held in place a pair of blue duck pants, or overalls. His large shoe s were worn red, by con tinuously coming in contact with the stub ble in the hayfieid, and were open at the tops and in the Iocs, exposing to view a thick pair of home knit, woolen stockings. The whole make Tip was saturated with perspiration, which at once g-iva It a pecu liar odor and au appearance not altogether lovely. ltb a vacaut look he bashfully sidled up to the counter and accosted Win Cowell, who was in attendance, with : "I've bearn tell 'bout love powders. Did you'ns ever hear tell on 'era ?" "Oh, ye9," replied Win, "I've frequent ly heard of them," at the same time won dering what in the world the lovely crea ture before him could be driving at. "Wall," continued greeuey, "1 reckon as how you'ns hain't got none of 'em, has ye?" Certainly, we keep them constantly n stock," replied the affable druggist. "How dew ye sell 'em?" Twenty-five cents p?r box." "How many on 'em in a box?" "Four powders in each box." "Wall, now; ain't that rather steep ?" "The component ingredients of the pow ders, which render ihem efficacious in over coming the propensities and passions of the opposite sex, placing them wholly in your power, and subservient to your own will, are vegetable productions, from the sun kissed shores of Greenland, imported at great expense, and it must be apptrent to you that at the price asked " "all, I don t keer bout heann any more o' that. If these 'ere powders will do the business 1'ui willin' to 'low tew shiliin's, tcough I reckon, that's tarnal high. But I'm bound to get even." "Shall I put them up for you?" "Ya-a-s, I guess so." Win then went to his prescription desk and in a few minutes returned with a little box containing four small powders in pa pers. "You must be mighty careful," said he, "aliout giving those. Half of one of those powders is a dose," "Never you mind, responded the young man. "I'll give 'er 'nough if I have to give them all at once." He tiitn fished a twenty -five cent silver piece out of his leather pockelkoo. placed it on tbe showcase and walked out. When he had gone. Cowell remarked: "That's a irelty good price for sugar." Ailvire Gratia. Make not baste Co be rich, exhorted the clergyman, and then went home and invert ed bis quarter's salary in "fancy" stocks Never be idle : always have something n your hand, said the glove dealer. Never use tobacco in any form, as the father remarked when he to k the quid out of his mouth and put the pipe in. Count ten before you speak. This is peculiarly applicable to caucus usae ex cept that it might st"p the streams of elo quence that now make the American cau cus so edifying. Never leave that till to-morrow which vou can do to-day. l'ut iu all the loafiBg you can to-day ; you may not get a chance to-morrow. "IH as I do, can't you ?"' These are words that are continually being acted out. If you follow another's example he will presently turn about and complain that you are spin? him. Some folks are hard to ! satisfv. Keep off the grass ! This is addressed to lawn mowers on the Common, and they do it pretty effectually. Never say dye! The barber will over look it in you, however, if you say it to him. When a man advises you to take some patent remedy, make sure that he isn't its proprietor or an undertaker. Never take offense. It will be consider ed cow-yard-ly, however, if you take a fence when a Texan steer is looking at you between his born-. "Never drink intoxicating spirits of any kind, my boy," said a fond father; "then you will never care for them when you are a man." "Why didn't grandfatter tell you about that whem you were a boy i" re plied the youngster, glancing at his sire's ruddy nose. "Look not upon the wine when it is red.' It is suspected that Solomon was interested in the champagne trade. Never speak ill of another. If you can't say a gool word say nothing. And the man who said this went out the next morn ing, and lo and behold ! his acquaintances had every one of them lost their power of speech. And he marveled greatly. Jones says that he h&s always made it a point to obev his parents. When be was young they advised bim to keep away from the water. "And if you will believe it, he says, ''I haven't allowed a drop of water to come near me for ten years except what was necessary for bathing purposes, you know." crieca are good for the eyes. It was not the fly that said this, but the spectacle dealer. Tks Willows at St. Helens. The willow which overshadows the first Bonaparte's grave is the second planted since the interment of the Emperor, and is 26 years old. Vt illows at St. Helena, it would appear, rarely attain a greater long- evitv tbau 30 years, and shoots are care fully preserved for planting. Tbe ex -Empress Eugenie brought away some young shoots and a few violet and geranium plants from the tomb, some for presentation to Her Majesty the Uueen, and some for her self and her friends. This floral rultun I has been going on for nearly sixty years. Writing to Lord Bat hurst, immediately after the interment of Napoleon, Sir Hud son Lowe said: "1 shall cause a railing to be put around the whole of tbe ground, it being necessary even for the preservation of the willows, many sprig of which have already begun to be taken by different in dividuals who went down to visit the place after the funeral." This is the incident which, as Mr. Forsythe has w ell pointed out, was afterward so ludicrously yet so miievolently distorted byAntommarchi, who described Sir Hudson Lowe as turning pale and foaming at the mouth with rage when he witnessed tnis "spontaneous manifesta tion of feeling. " "Hudson, " as the Italian surgeon styled Sir Hudson Lowe, endeavor ed to check the "manifestation of feeling" by "anger and threats;" but the guilty were numerous, 'and of all classes of people and he could not, therefore, punish. When a new History of Political Lying comes to be written (and is not tbe time almost ripe for such a publication ?) a spe cial volume should be devoted to the vari ous narratives of the captivity of Napoleon L Tbrt Carthoslas) Monks. There is a growing probability that the ! Carthusian monks will come to America if they are driven from Fiance. The order has been settled at the Grand Chartreuse for eight centuries and emigration will be a hard process. The seat of the monastery is among the foot hills of the Alps in the southeastern part of France, near Grenoble. The scenery is said to be grand enouch to rival the Yosemite. The order was found ed in 1084 by St. Bruno, wKo was born in Cologne of a noble family, named Horten faust. He displayed a rare precocity, and in early yoath was sent to France to com plete his studies After a brilliant career as a student he returned to Cologne and entered sacred orders. While employed in preaching, the archbishop of Uht im called him to tbe head of one of his di ccea schools. He early resolved to quit the world and consecrate himself entirely to God. He was obliged to defer this project several years, and it was only when he was offered the arc hiepisc opal chair of Kheims that be accomplished it. He fled, and joining six companions in Paris, departed for Grenoble, where he hoped to find a re treat, and also a protector and friend in Hughes, the bishop of Grenoble. The bishop pointed out to him a frightful de sert, the lair of wild beasts, surrounded by immense forests and mountains covered with snow.' Thus he described the locali ty to which, after divine guidance in a dream, he conducted St. Bruno and his companions on the eve of the feast of St. John, and where the chapel of St. Bruno now stands. Bishop Hughes obtained the gift of the desert to Bruno, and assisted in building the first monastery on the spot where is now the chapel of Our Lady of the Cloister. " The forest by which the monastery is surrounded was seized by the republio and the monks now pay rent for it. The value of the timber cut annually in it is set at $t0, 000. It is a curious rule of the order that the members shall go to bed at 6 o clock in the evening, rise at 11, go to bed again at 2 and rise again at i o'clock in the morning. Each monk spends the greater part of his time in his cell, and has only one hour each day for recreation. Once a week all walk out together, and during a portion of the year all eat together, but in silence. On fast days they have one meal of bread and water; erdinaruv they live on vegetable diet, their meals being thrust into their cells through a bole in the wall. Between the village and the mon astery is the J'ourroirie. the working place of the monks, whence is sent all over the world the delicious C hartn-ue liqueur, the secret of whose preparation St. Bruno is said to have discovered, and which has been kept Inviolate by bis successors, who regard it as they do the episcopal trusts they assume. The herbs of which the liqueur is largely composed are collected by the monks in the fields on the left bank of the river Guiers. The delicate perfume from the liqueur betrays the neighborhood of the laboratory before the visitor reaches the structure a vast bmlding that gains a pr.soauke appearance from the tiny grated windows that pierce iH walls. The lower windows illuminate the vast cellars in which the liqueur is "aging" in enor mous casks. As these monks are industri ous and rich, and so charitable and self sacriticing that they have even won the praise of Victor Hugo, it is possible that France will think tw ice before getting rid of them. A rious Wertdlng 4-ks. There was a triple wedding in jest in I A vet a, Colorado, a week or two eince. The parties were F. I). 31c Holland, Deputy Sheriff of Huerfano county: E. A. Palmer, agent of the lenvcr and Kio Grande railroad, and another gentleman whose name was not priuted, but he is a sawyer and has a big sawmill somewhere. The young ladies were Kate Lewis, Addie Patterson and Laura Paterson of Laveta. The gentlemen were visiting the ladies and running out of small talk one ot them pro posed to the three giddy girls to have mar riage ceremonies in fun, of course. I hey thought it would be splendid, and paired off accordingly. A messenger was sent for a third party to help carry out the jolly game and all went merry till he came. He was W. A. Totlelmire, a very innocent looking man in appearance. He was told what was wanted, and nothing loth, he officiated at that lamiiy alter. When the ceremonies were over one of the girls said it was tl e jollicst joke she ever saw played. 'Joke,'' said Totfelmire, '"its no joke. I'm a Justice of the Peace, and you're all fast marriedr" Then there was a chorus of screams and faints. The girls had never dreamed of getting married in earnest. The gentle men, it appears, did, and they played it finely. They had hoodwinked the girls with nutriment. What was to be done. The first thing to do was to get the gentle men of the party out of that house and they went without further ceremony than a pressing invitation to leave given by the old folks who lived there and did,ut know what was going ,on in the parlor. The three men went lo their respective homes crestfallen. It was not half as funny as they anticipated, for they imagined the girls would give in when they found out how they had been married by stealth. Divorce is the only remejy that can be ap plied unless they finally conemde to stick, and one at least ought to stick out of three. One of the girls is said to be engaged to a young man who is digging a pile of gold for her at San Juan, and the affair is a little bit "rough" on her and her betrothed miner. The others might make a virtue of necessity and carry out the joke. A Clsvsr Trick. The Japan Mail describes a clever trick which was being exhibited by a native jug gler at Joshida basiii. Tbe performance lakes pi ice in a small room alutit twenty six feet long and twelve feet wide, half be ing allotted to spectators, who are admit ted on payment of the moderate fee ot two rents. The "properties" consist of a deal table anil a sword, etc After tbe usual soul-stirring flourish on a drum and a sam isen, a man and woman appear from behind a screen, the man binds the woman s bead in a cl'Jth, and she then kneels down close to the table, and sideways to the spectators. The man then draws the sword, makes a vislent blow at the woman s head,she falls forward, arms extended and Limbs twitch ing. He then bavng first wiped the sword on a gory-loosicg piece of rag takes up, (apparently) the woman's head, wrapped in the cloth, and places it on the table. To all appearance it is a human bead, the eye lids and features have a convulsed motion; presently the eyes open in a dreamy sori of way, and to the accompaniment of the ever lasting samisen, the head sings a mournful song. A curtain is interposed between the sudience and the performers, and when again drawn back the woman is disclosed quietly seated alongside the man. When it is recolected that this all takes place with in about three feet from the spectator, and that the "properties'' are of the simplest description, some idea may be formed of the wondorf ul excellence of the performance, which has excited attention. 'I Bass," said a little sis yesterday, "if Dod was here now he'd make a lot o'folks. Tis awful dusty to-day." i ; 5s i ,1; s I jaayuu win m win IM lunrounfe -J i
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers